(Note: Hope you all like this new story. This takes place at the very last of the last episode of the 3rd season "Don't Look Back". I do not own or have any affiliation with The Last Ship).
Chapter 1
A Light In The Darkness
Thomas Chandler stood beside the berth in his quarters on the Nathan James, looking down at the pile of his meticulously folded uniforms, having just placed the last piece into place beside his cover on the bed. He reached down, running his hand over that last piece, as if saying goodbye for the last time to a dear friend who had died; a friend who had served him well; a friend, whose honor he felt he had betrayed with his final act that day in the plane. He clenched his jaw and stood up, for no matter how he felt about himself, he had a duty to his children, to be the father that they deserved, the only parent they had left. He blinked back the moisture in his eyes as he thought about his dad, who had given his life trying to protect his grandchildren, when their father had not been there for any of them. He felt another wave of guilt wash over him, a wave of frustration that he could not go back and change any of it.
He had packed his duffle bag in preparation for his departure from the Nathan James. He looked into the mirror where he could see his reflection, in his civilian clothing. He had never been in civilian clothing aboard the Nathan James. He felt almost as though he was not in his own skin. For a moment, he had a memory of Sammy when he was just a little boy, about 4 years old, running down the hall in the middle of the night, crying in fear after awaking from a nightmare. He remembered how Sammy had run right into his arms, screaming "Where is me, Daddy? Where is me?"
He felt his stomach tighten with the memory, suddenly having the quite unfamiliar feeling of fear and uncertainty about where the real Tom Chandler really was at this moment. Would he ever have that confidence and certainty again? He did not know the answer, but one thing he knew for certain; he would have to fake it. He could not appear to be weak in the eyes of his children. They needed him now. Somehow, he would have to find himself again, but at this moment he had no idea how.
He heard the door to his quarters being opened and he looked up to see Sasha. She looked at him in his civilian clothing, noticing the pile of uniforms on his bed. The look of total disbelief in her face was apparent when she almost yelled at him, "Tom, what are you doing? Put your uniform back on! You can't leave. The ship needs you. These people need you!"
He snapped back, "My children need me, Sasha. Mike has the ship and he still has you."
She said, "Tom, you have not even gone to see Kat. She has been crying all night."
Tom felt a pang of guilt, but he gave her his excuses about how he could not face telling Kat about how he had not been able to save her dad, how he had not been there for him or for any of the long list of crew members who had all lost their lives. He had been their commanding officer and yet could not save them. The last name on the list of those lost was a name he almost whispered with a hitch in his voice as he said, "I was not even there for... her, for Rachel... when she needed me."
Sasha blinked, suddenly realizing from the pain in his voice, that there had been a very special bond between Rachel and Tom. He had obviously loved her.
She shook off her almost speechless reaction. "Tom, this is not like you, no matter how much you are feeling about your own guilt. Tex gave his life to save you and Kat needs you to see her now! If you had been killed, and Tex was the one who had survived, and he was the last one to see you alive, do you really think Tex would leave Ashley and Sam crying all night, without going to them? Would you want Ashley to go through that, Tom?"
Tom looked down, shaking his head, waves of more guilt shaking him to his core. He looked up, realizing how selfish and cowardly he had been not to have gone to Kat. He thought of Tex and how his last words had been, "You are a good man."
He shook his head trying to get those words out of his head because he was not a "good man," having done what he did in the plane. Still he owed it to Kat to go to her and give her some comfort. He knew Sasha was right and he was humiliated that he had not done that immediately. He thought of how this just showed that he was no longer the man he had always thought he was.
He put on his cover, picked up his duffle and started to walk out, but he had to stop and placing his duffle bag on the floor, he turned to Sasha, looking deep into her beautiful eyes. He knew he could not just leave her standing there. She looked at him, her blue eyes flashing and filled with such hurt and disbelief. His heart skipped a beat and a warm feeling of love for her washed over him. He rushed to her and he reached up, unable to stop himself from caressing her face, as he pulled her to him and he kissed her deeply. The kiss was full of all the fire and passion that he had been so careful to keep under wraps from her and the other members of the crew. He knew he would always love her and he did not want to leave her. He wanted her to know that he still wanted her in his life, but he had no idea where his life was going, not yet.
Sasha returned his kiss with all the love and hunger she had so long had to control within herself. She kissed him back with all the passion that was in her, but then, the pain she felt that he was actually going to leave the ship and leave her behind became overwhelming and she pushed back from him, not understanding how he could be doing this. She looked into his troubled eyes and caught his almost instantaneous look of surprise and the deep hurt at her rejection, before he was able to recover himself and hide it from her.
With firm resolve, he readjusted his cover, picked up his duffle bag and unable to trust himself to speak, left his quarters without another word. He was reeling from his reaction to Sasha's rejection of his kiss, for he had come to the realization that she could no longer respect, nor love him. She had made it abundantly clear how she felt about him. He was no longer the man she had once loved. He now knew that he would have to deal with the loss of her love again and that hurt him to the core of his being. He, however, understood perfectly why she could no longer love him. He knew he did not deserve her love and it was just the way it was, another thing he would have to learn to live with.
As he stepped into the P-way, he headed to the stateroom where he knew Kat was quartered. He had one last duty to perform before he left the ship.
A few minutes later, he stood outside the door of Kat's stateroom. He took a deep breath and steeled himself for what was to come. He knocked on Kat's compartment door. He was surprised when Andrea opened it. Their eyes met and Andrea said, "Captain, I am so glad to see you are here."
She stepped aside so that he could step into the modest stateroom. Kat was lying on the lower bunk, curled up on top of the blanket. When Kat saw Tom, she sat up, her eyes red and swollen. She stood up and ran straight into his arms, burying her head in his chest. He instinctively held her close, running his hand up and down her back in a comforting manner as he had so often done with Ashley. In tears, she said, "I knew you would come…, I knew you would come, Captain…..Sasha kept telling me you would come…..but you didn't come….all night…. I...I….waited...I really needed you…. I needed to know.…to know...Sasha told me what had happened on….the plane…..I know you had to make sure your children were okay..….Are they okay, Captain?"
At this point, Tom was feeling like a jerk. Andrea gave him a look of gratitude and signaled that she was leaving. He knew she would come back later. He helped Kat sit down on her bed and he sat down in the chair that was close to the bed. He said, "Yes, Kat, my children are both safe, thanks to your dad."
He looked down, collecting his words. Then, looking directly into her eyes, he said, "Kat, I am so sorry that your dad died while trying to rescue me. I only wish it had been me instead of him."
His voice broke and tears filled his eyes. "It was my fault that he was even there. I should never have allowed him to participate directly in the rescue of the children. He would not have been in that position, if I had not given my permission for him to do so….It was only because of his sacrifice that I am here right now…" His head dropped down, his chest heaving. Kat was out of her bed and kneeling beside him placing her head on his chest and holding on to him as they both cried. She reached her hands up to his shoulders trying to comfort him.
She sobbed. "No…..Captain…..Don't ever say that…..It was not your fault…..My dad told me he was determined to find a way to save you, that they were going to kill you, if our guys did not find a way to get you away from them…..He told me that you had risked your own life every time you went on a mission with them and that you would have risked your life for him if the situation was reversed.
Kat continued, "The last thing he said to me before he left was, 'Kat, the Commodore is worth risking my life for. There is much more left for him to do and if I have anything to do with making sure he survives, then I have to do it. God willing, I will also survive, but if I don't, I want you to never forget that I will always love you more than life, baby girl, and your mother also knew I loved her. Kat, no matter what, if anything happens to me; I want you to get to know the Commodore. He is a good man.'"
This conversation stabbed at his heart, but for the most part, he felt the guilt for not coming to see Kat last night of his own accord. He raised his head and he suddenly became aware that Sasha had slipped into the room at some point, very quietly. His eyes locked with hers in mutual understanding. He gave her a look of gratitude and he nodded his head once letting her know it. She gave a slow nod back meeting his eyes, her own eyes misty as she gave him a soft smile. She had obviously heard most of the conversation between him and Kat.
Kat lifted her head from his chest and seeing Sasha, she reached for her. Sasha took her hand in comfort and she and Kat sat down on her bed. Kat said to Tom, "I have been trying to tell Sasha that my dad's death was not her fault. She told me that it was all her fault that my dad died because she had missed the second shot that would have killed the other pilot….Captain...you have to tell her it was not her fault. She does not believe me."
He looked at Sasha in disbelief. He had only been thinking of himself and his guilt, not realizing that anyone else might also have been feeling they were responsible for Tex's death. He said, "Sasha, of course it was not your fault, I did not know what you, Mike and the Team, including Tex had planned, but you certainly stopped Shaw and the plane from leaving. The plane was a moving target and it was amazing that you even got one of the pilots. It was in no way your fault. You all, including Tex had to move on the circumstances as they presented themselves, once the plan was put into action. We always have unexpected things that happen."
Kat said, "It is also not your fault, Captain. I so wanted to speak to you about what was happening when my father died….Did he die right away?...Oh God….Captain….was he in great pain…..was...he choking?...Did he suffer?…...All night, I could not stop myself from just thinking about what he must have gone through… Did he say anything? Captain...You were with him…...Did he know you were with him?...Please tell me…..I can take it…..I just need to know", she sobbed.
Tom realized how selfish he had been. Of course Kat needed to know as much as he could tell her about that night. He was sick at the realization that he was responsible for having left her to imagine throughout the long night about what terrible things her father might have suffered before he had died. If it had not been for Sasha he would have left the ship without even speaking to Kat. He felt like such an unfeeling heel for thinking only of himself and his feelings and nothing about her, not to mention Sasha who had thought that she was responsible for Tex's death.
Tom spoke softly, while looking into Kat's eyes with true sympathy and regret. He reached over and took both of her hands in his. He told her how Tex had saved him, how there was so much action going on at the moment Tex came into the cabin, that neither of them had realized he was hit until her father collapsed into his arms. Tom explained how he had died almost immediately after he collapsed... He had not choked or felt pain. He told her how he was holding on to him when he took his last breath.
Kat asked him again, if he had said anything before he died.
Tom looked down and said, his own voice cracking with emotion, "He looked directly into my eyes and said, 'You are a good man.'"
They all sat there in silence.
Kat said tearfully, "That was the last thing he said to me as well, Captain. Thank you so much for coming to me and letting me know what actually happened. I can finally breathe easier knowing this. I don't know what is next for me,... but at least,... I know he did not suffer….. I was really worried about that."
Tom said, "Your dad was one of the finest and bravest men I have ever known, Kat... You can be very proud of him. He has saved many lives and I will never forget him. I have to leave the ship now to be a parent to my children who have lost their mother and their grandfather, but I want you to know that you will always be welcome to come and stay with my family, if you need a place to live or until you know what you want to do with your life from now on. I want to keep track of what you are doing. I am not sure of exactly where my family and I will end up right now, but I would be honored if you feel that you would like to stay with us until you get back on your feet and are ready to go on with your life. My daughter Ashley is only a little bit younger than you are. I will make sure that Sasha and Mike will know where we are going to be. In any event, will you keep contact with me, Kat?"
Kat said, "Thank you, Captain. I will make sure I keep in contact with you. I do not know what I am going to do now, either, but just to know that you care what happens to me takes a huge weight off my shoulders and I have orders from my father to get to know you."
Tom rose from his chair and both Kat and Sasha stood as well. Kat embraced Tom again and he held her and comforted her. He said, "Now, little one, try to get some sleep, but make sure you eat something first. I can have Bacon bring you something. I will be in touch soon."
He looked at Sasha and she reached out and touched Kat's shoulder, "Kat, I will go get you something to eat with some hot chocolate. I have to speak with the Captain, before he leaves the ship and will be back before long."
Both she and Tom left the cabin.
Once outside the cabin, Sasha and Tom just stood for a moment and looked at each other. Then, he dropped his duffle bag to the floor and they fell into each other's arms. He could feel her softness pressed into his chest and down the length of his body. She could feel his rock-hard abs pressed into her body and she longed to be able to have the closeness she remembered from years ago. All this time, since she had joined the Nathan James, she had dreamed of the feel of him against her naked body, as it had been so long ago, but which seemed, in a way, just yesterday.
He was having a similar reaction to the feel of her body pressed so tightly against him. They kissed each other as if they would never have another chance to be together. Sasha so wanted to keep him here. She did not want to be parted from him. Finally, he had kissed her because he wanted to kiss her and she had reciprocated. When they broke from the kisses, Sasha said breathlessly, "Oh Tom, please don't go. You can still change your mind. Go to Mike and tell him you have changed your mind. We all need you here. Please Tom. I don't want to lose you."
He looked down at her and into her eyes. "Sasha…...Sasha…...I have to go. Don't you see? My children have no one now. I am the only one they have. They saw their mother die in front of them. They saw their grandfather murdered in front of them and they thought that their father was going to be killed. They were kidnapped because of who I am. I can't let them be in that kind of danger. I have no choice, but to leave."
She responded, "Tom, at least you don't have to leave the Navy. You could do something where you do not have to go on missions. You could still make a home for your children. I could help you with that."
"I am too well known. You have said it yourself", he said in desperation. "My children could still be kidnapped."
She said, "We could get security for them, Tom. We can work something out. You are not the only well known person who has children."
"Sasha, I have to go now. I am not the leader I once was. I have betrayed everything I believe in. I have to learn to deal with what that means to me as a person."
She said, "Tom, you are human, not a god. Making a mistake does not condemn you to suddenly being unable to lead. You would tell that to any of your officers who had made a serious mistake."
He said, "Sasha, I have to hold myself to a higher standard. I have to leave the ship now. I don't know how long it will take me to get myself through this with my children. I want you in my life, but I am no good to you now. I need to find out who I am now. I can't ask you to wait for me to find out. Sasha, I love you, but I can't ask you to love me because the man you fell in love with is not the man I am now. I will let you and Mike know where we will be living. I hope that one day I will again be a man you could love, but for now…."
Sasha, now furious interrupted him. "Tom, you are the most stubborn man I have ever met. I don't understand how you can stand here and tell me you love me and yet I am not supposed to love you, at least not for now….. You have just suffered a huge shock, one of many, I might add, any of which would have broken any other man. Now that you have finally made an error which, in your own eyes alone, makes you think that I could not possibly want or love you. Tom, you will get through this. It does not mean you have to push me away."
Tom hugged Sasha to him. "I don't mean to push you away, Sasha, because I do love you. It's just that…..I just don't know that I am worth waiting for."
That did it. Sasha pushed herself away from him and she slapped his face with all of the strength she had. He was stunned with the force of her fury. His face was on fire with the sting and the mark of her hand was clearly visible. He stood there speechless, looking into her angry, tear filled eyes. She was not finished. "Damn you, Thomas Chandler! Don't you ever say something like that to me, do you hear me,... never again! Now just go, if that is what you want to do… Leave me…. Leave your ship…... Leave all of the people who care about you, but don't you ever tell me you aren't worth waiting for, because…., because…. I will always love you…..I have always loved you and nothing on this earth will ever change that!"
He said, "Sasha," but she put a finger up to his lips, stopping him.
"I am not finished," she said. "You better decide pretty soon about whether you meant what you said about wanting me in your life because no matter how much I want you in mine, I will not wait forever, Tom. I moved on once before and I can do it again, if you don't care enough about me to make a move."
She reached up and ran her hand gently over his jaw, as she lost herself in the azure blue of his eyes. His breath was taken away by the love which shown from the blue pools of her eyes. "Goodbye, Tom, be safe," she whispered before turning and walking away.
Tom watched her until she disappeared when she turned a corner in the P-way. He placed his hand on his burning cheek, where he could still feel the sting of her anger. He smiled to himself, thinking that his feisty Sasha had just left her brand on him again, as sure as he was still standing there. He put on his cover and headed for the bridge where he knew Mike was waiting for him to take his leave of the ship and go through the departure ceremony. He would think long and hard about all that Sasha had said to him, but this was not the time to do that. His children had to be his first concern. He knew that this was about all he could deal with at this moment in time. He had to find a way to give his children a stable home, and he would be damned to hell if he would ever let them go through again, anything like what they had just endured, not as long as he still drew breath.
Forty five minutes later, Captain Thomas Chandler was saluting his long time friend Captain Mike Slattery saying, "Permission to leave the ship for the last time."
Captain Slattery returned his salute and said, "Permission granted,"
Tom turned and saluted the American Flag flying from the top of the ship, for the last time. As he looked up, he saw Sasha standing above him at the railing of the second level deck, facing him. She stood defiantly, straight and tall, her hair blowing in the wind. He could see the glint of tears in her eyes, as their eyes met one last time before he turned away from her and the ship to walk down the gangplank. Mike led the three salutes to him "Hip Hip Hooray," as he walked away. Mike yelled out afterwards, "DON'T LOOK BACK!"
Tom did not look back, though not to do so was one of the most difficult things he had ever done. He could feel their eyes. He could feel her eyes and he could still picture her standing there at the rail of his ship. It was an image he knew he would hold close to his heart until they would meet again.
{ NOTE: It has been a while since I have written anything and this is my first Tom/Sasha story. Please let me know if you like this chapter and if I should write more or just leave this as a one shot. Reviews always mean a great deal and I would love to know what you think about this. I was so unhappy with the ending of the season 3, when Tom did not go to Kat. It seemed so out of character for him, no matter how much pain he was in. I also wanted Sasha and Tom to speak to each other about what happens to them in the future. He cared enough to kiss her, but I can't believe she just let him walk out that door.}