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Two days. That's how long I've been in here. I haven't left my room in two days. I have yet to get out of bed today. I haven't said a word to anyone in over three days. I know exactly what's wrong with me. My depression is getting the best of me, again. When it does I just shut down entirely. I stopped talking to people outside of the guys and Katie, sometimes even Mrs. Knight on a good day. Even then I don't talk much.
I no longer want to be a doctor. My brain is screwed up enough; I don't want to look at anyone else's. I even stopped singing. It became a challenge, which is crazy being I've been singing for years. I'm the reason we came back to Minnesota.
I'm also the reason my mom won't talk to me. Dad was gone by the time I was three, but I had always hoped I could count on my mom, you know? I mean she's my mom for crying out loud. I knew something was up the second we got back to Minnesota and she wasn't there to greet me at the airport. When I got home she took one look at me and said 'What the hell have you done to my son?'
After that I moved in with Mrs. Knight. She always was like my second mother. I was just glad she cared enough to take me in. I don't know who else would.
"Logan?" A voice called from outside.
James. I'm closest with him, always have been. He's why we were in L.A. It was his dream to be famous. I had to go and ruin it just like I ruin everything else.
"I'm gonna come in, okay?" He said. The door slowly opened and I could sense that James was watching me. I didn't meet his gaze though, that's something else I don't do. I never know who to trust anymore, so I don't look at anyone. I've had my eyes locked on my wall clock all morning. There's a crack down the middle of it from yesterday when I had another meltdown.
I ran into my room and sank to the floor. Sobs were violently coming out at an uncontrollable rate. The worst part is I don't know why I'm crying. It just… happened.
I wanted to die. Just curl up in a ball, go to sleep and never wake up again. I needed away to make the pain stop. I looked up and saw the clock on my wall. All I needed was something sharp… that's it.
I stood up, removed the clock from the wall and threw it hard down to the ground. I heard it crack and bent over to pick up one of the pieces.
I chose the biggest one I could find out of all the shattered bits. I held it up to my bare wrist knowing in my head how wrong this was. I also knew how much pain I was in. Before I could do anything I heard my bedroom door fly open and I felt a large pair of arms wrap themselves around me. I knew immediately that it was James.
I tried to fight my way out of his grip. I had forgotten that he and Carlos were over. I didn't want his help. No matter how much I knew I needed it. James somehow found a way to get my legs out from under me, causing to fall the ground with him behind me. With that I lost it. I sobbed and sobbed for an hour until I fell asleep. Kendall and Carlos had heard the commotion and were standing in the doorway, not knowing what to do. I couldn't blame them; I wouldn't know what to do either.
It was then I realized I'd finally lost my mind… that scared me more than anything.
"Hey Logan." He said. He waited a minute before saying anything else. "Still not talking, huh?"
I nodded.
He came in and sat down next to me just like always. Something about him seemed different though today. Almost sad and scared like a lost little boy. I can tell he's thinking about yesterday. I think he's worried about me.
Yesterday was wake up call for all of us. It told us that I was far from okay. My mental health is suffering greatly, I know that. But I don't know what to do about it… none of us do.
"You should've seen Katie's face after you fell asleep yesterday," He says to me. "She looked like she saw a ghost. I don't think I've ever seen her so scared before."
"That's what I do, James… scare people and cause problems." I muttered. My voice is weak and raspy from lack of using it lately.
James turned and looked at me sharply, surprised by my sudden reply. I know that I don't talk much. I'm okay with it. It's gotten easier. When I do talk I always end up either hurting someone or scaring them more than I already have.
"You don't scare me, Logan." James says, pulling me in for a hug.
I laid my head down in his lap and let him run his hands through my hair. I don't flinch at the touch like I normally would. Instead today its feels comforting, like a warm bed on one of Minnesota's harshest winters days. We just stayed there for a while in complete silence until James spoke up.
"I heard a new song on the way over here. It reminded me of you. You wanna hear it?" He asked.
I nodded again.
"Okay, here it goes."
"The day's last one way ticket pulls in,
We smile for the casual closure capturing.
There goes a downpour
There goes my fare thee well."he sang.
I couldn't remember the last time I heard James sing, I missed it more than I remembered.
"There's really no way to reach me
There's really no way to reach me
There's really no way to reach me,
Cause I'm already gone"
I realized now why the song made James think of me. The chorus perfectly explained the state I'm in. No matter how hard anyone tries these days, its impossible to get through to me.
"There's so many words that we can say
Spoken upon a long distance memory
This is my hello
This is my goodness"
A small tear makes its way down my face. I can't help but cry at the fact that James has cared enough to stick around all this time. He's truly the greatest friend anyone could ever ask for. He continues to sing and I keep listening, not wanting him to stop.
"Maybe in five or ten yours and mine will meet again
Straighten this whole thing out
Maybe then honesty need not be feared as friend or enemy
But this is the distance
And this is my game face.
Is there really no way to reach me?
Am I already gone?
So this is your maverick
And this is Vienna."
James finishes his song sighs deeply. For the first time in months I looked up to meet the gaze of my friend. His once vibrant hazel eyes now looked dull and worried. I couldn't help but feel like it was my fault... because it was. He had tears in his eyes and small frown spread across his face.
I sat up and gave him a bone crushing hug. He began to cry and I simply tightened my grip on him. I pulled away and lifted his chin to meet my gaze.
"Everything's going to be okay." I told him. "Maybe not today... but one day I will get better and be okay again. Understand?"
James nodded.
"I've missed you Logan." He said to me.
"I missed you too." I said pulling him back in for another hug.
Yes I'm broken. But I have people who love me enough to stick around and help. James found away to reach me... and I can't thank him enough for it.
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Peace Love and :) ~B