The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters has driven off. Well I did invent one character, but that's just to torture him. So, he doesn't count. If you've read a few other of my stories, you know he deserves it.
Poovey Driver
Ulysses George Lee looked at his watch. "I can't believe today of all days my car is in the shop! Damn those foreign cars and their expensive foreign parts that have to be flown in from all over the world!"
"The Tunt Corporation desperately needs this acquisition slash merger of Hawk Flight Railways," Mr. Lee grumbled. "The railroad industry is in enough trouble. Damn planes. Nobody wants to take a train anymore when they can fly!"
He absently adjusted his red tie. "There's no getting around it. I'll have to take a taxi. Good thing my secretary called up one of those personal driving agency services. Ah, here it comes now."
A large black car with the words HI RIDE in bright pink on the side of it drove up. "Not my first choice but any port in a storm…" Mr. Lee grumbled as he got in.
"Where too Mac?" Pam asked. She was wearing a Poovey Farms Racing hat, her hair in a ponytail, earrings, a low cut grey checkered shirt and a grey flannel vest with the American Flag sewed on it.
"YOU?" Mr. Lee shouted. "What the devil are you doing here?"
"Conducting the London Symphony Orchestra," Pam remarked. "What the hell do you think I'm doing? Hey! It's you! Ugly!"
"That's Ulysses George Lee," Mr. Lee glared at Pam. "And you still haven't answered my question. Why are you driving a taxi?"
"Because the Figgis Agency pays little more than shit," Pam remarked. "Gal's gotta pay the bills somehow."
"I thought that's what you were doing when Ms. Tunt pays you for whatever depravity she cooks up," Mr. Lee remarked.
"Not as much or as often as you'd think," Pam said. "So where are you going?"
"If I wasn't so late I'd say out of this cab," Mr. Lee groaned. "But since I am, 43rd and Main. And step on it."
"Roger dodger old codger," Pam grinned. "Strap in and strap on! Phrasing!"
"See here Ms. Poovey I…" Mr. Lee began.
VRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOM!
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" Mr. Lee shouted as Pam zoomed away.
"So where do you want to go?" Pam asked as she drove.
"Away from you!" Mr. Lee shouted. "But my destination is 43rd and Main in the financial district! WHICH I TOLD YOU NOT EVEN TWO MINUTES AGO!"
VRRROROOOMM!
HONK! HONK!
"SHARE THE ROAD ASSHOLE!" Pam shouted. "Okay 43rd and Main! Is it a nice area? Because I've never been there."
"You've never been to the location where I need to go?" Mr. Lee groaned. "This does not bode well."
"Chillax!" Pam waved. "I've got the GPS on. Oh wait, no I don't. Hang on."
VRRRRROOOMMM!
"WATCH THE ROAD!" Mr. Lee screamed.
"Relax! We barely scratched that parked car," Pam waved as she finished fiddling with the GPS. There we go. 43rd and Main! We're on our way!"
VRRROOMM!
HONK! HONK! HONK!
"Huh," Pam blinked. "I could have sworn it was this way."
VRRRROOOMMM!
HONK! HONK! HONK!
"Or maybe it's this way?" Pam said as she turned around.
HONK! HONK!
"HONK YOURSELF ASSHOLE!" Pam made a fist.
VRRRROOOOM!
"WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING YOU YUPPIE PIG!" Pam shouted. "IN FACT, I'VE SEEN PIGS DRIVE BETTER THAN YOU!"
"I believe it," Mr. Lee groaned.
VRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOM!
"If I wanted a ride with Mario Andretti I would have called him up personally!" Mr. Lee screamed as Pam did a tight turn around a corner.
"Lucky for you, you get me at a quarter of the price!" Pam said cheerfully.
VRRRROOOOM!
HONK! HONK! BEEEEEEEEEEEEP!
"Okay I didn't know they were doing construction on that street," Pam said. "Don't worry! I know a shortcut!"
VRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" Mr. Lee screamed as Pam did a slight drift down the road.
"Relax! We're fine!" Pam said. "We're not even close to being in an accident."
"I almost had an accident back here," Mr. Lee groaned. "I wanted to ride in a taxi, not the General Lee!"
"Hey I get compliments on my driving all the time," Pam told him. "Usually I get a note on my windshield saying Parking Fine."
"Just get me to 43rd and Main!" Mr. Lee shouted. "Preferably alive!"
VVRRRRRROOOOOM!
"SPEED UP IDIOT! SPEED UP!" Pam snapped. "Damn it! This guy is going only a few miles an hour and his lights are all on! In fact, it looks like everyone's lights are on in this lane."
"THAT'S BECAUSE YOU DRIFTED US INTO A FUNERAL PROCESSION!" Mr. Lee shouted. "Which is where I will probably end up!"
"Oh," Pam said. "That explains the hearse up front. Okay I'll just gonna pull out here."
"YOU'RE GOING THE WRONG WAY!" Mr. Lee shouted.
"It's a shortcut," Pam said. "I'm trying to save you a few bucks!"
"I KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!" Mr. Lee snapped. "Whenever someone says that they are trying to save you money, that means they are doing the exact opposite! I work in finances! We invented that expression!"
VRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOM!
"Okay I know another shortcut," Pam said as she made a hard turn. "Hang on!"
"Like I have a choice?" Mr. Lee moaned.
VRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOM!
"Whoa!" Pam whooped. "We actually got some air on that one!"
"Who runs this driving service? Satan?" Mr. Lee snapped. "Because I'm in the cab from Hell!"
"Drama queen!" Pam rolled her eyes. "Uh oh, this is a one-way street. How did that get there?"
"How did I end up here?" Mr. Lee groaned.
"Okay according to the GPS," Pam checked the guidance system. "We go down tenth and main and turn left here…"
VRRROOM!
"I didn't know there was a bridge there," Pam blinked. "Learn something new every day."
"I learned I need to update my will," Mr. Lee groaned.
"Okay we'll go down this street," Pam said. "This should do it."
VRRRRROOOM!
"MOVE IT ASSHOLE!" Pam shouted. "ANYTIME TODAY! ANYTIME TODAY!"
HONK! HONK! HONK!
"Okay that road is blocked off," Pam said. "They should really put those in GPS services. We'll go this way."
HONK! HONK! HONK!
VRRRROOM!
"Okay we'll go this way instead," Pam remarked.
VRRRRRRRRROM!
HONK! HONK! HONK! HONK! HONK!
"GET OUT OF THE WAY! ROAD HOG!" Pam shouted.
HONK! HONK! HONK!
"OH, NOW YOU SPEED UP? ASSHOLE!" Pam screamed.
HONK! HONK! HONK! HONK!
"Seriously," Pam snapped. "Nothing but idiots and maniacs on the road!"
"And I had to get in a car driven by both of them combined!" Mr. Lee groaned.
"Hey! You don't know me," Pam said.
"I know enough!" Mr. Lee snapped. "I also know you made the wrong turn again!"
"No, we're going the right way," Pam said.
"We're going through a drive through!" Mr. Lee snapped.
"I know!" Pam said. "I'm hungry. You want anything?"
"Yes!" Mr. Lee groaned. "An ambulance."
"I mean to eat," Pam said as she pulled in. "It's my treat."
"Oh, what a joy," Mr. Lee groaned.
"Welcome to Fatso Burger!" A voice from a clown head spoke. "Home of the Big Fatty. What can I get you?"
"Yeah I'd like two Fatty Dawgs with the works," Pam said. "Hold the onions. A side of cheesy tots with extra cheese. Two large root beers. Hey, Ugly? You want anything?"
"No. You might want a stomach pump," Mr. Lee groaned.
A few minutes later…
"Okay now I know I can make a turn here," Pam said with her mouth full as she ate her second hot dog. "Hang on? Another one-way street? Where the hell do these come from?"
"This is how I die," Mr. Lee groaned. "This is how I die!"
"Okay hang on!" Pam said.
"Like I have a choooooooooooooooooooooooiiccccccccccccceee!" Mr. Lee screamed as Pam did a hard turn.
VRRRRRRRRRRROMM!
SCREEEECH!
CRASH!
"Wow, lucky for us I just missed that car crash," Pam looked in the rear-view window.
"You caused that car crash when you cut that driver off!" Mr. Lee shouted.
"Hey, if people don't know how to drive around me they should get off the road!" Pam snapped.
"I am going to die," Mr. Lee moaned. "I am going to die!"
VRRRRRROOOM!
HONK! HONK! HONK! HONK! HONK!
"You know I used to drag race for the Yakuza," Pam told him. "Won a lot of races too."
"That explains your driving skills," Mr. Lee groaned. "Where the hell are we?"
"I don't know," Pam looked at the street. "Looks like Compton."
"COMPTON?" Mr. Lee shouted.
"We're not actually in Compton," Pam checked the GPS. "Just a neighborhood that looks like it. A bad part of Compton."
VRRRROOOM!
HONK!
"HEY! DON'T CUT ME OFF ASSHOLE!" Pam shouted. "OH YEAH! I'LL SHOW YOU!"
VRRRORROOOM!
SCREECH!
BANG! BANG!
"THEY'RE SHOOTING AT US!" Mr. Lee screamed as he crouched down in the cab. "They're actually shooting at us!"
"Don't worry," Pam took out a gun from her purse. "I borrowed Archer's gun! We'll be fine!"
"Isn't that the man that's in a coma?" Mr. Lee shouted.
BANG! BANG!
"WATCH THE PAINT JOB ASSHOLE!" Pam snapped as she shot back.
BANG! BANG! BANG!
"See you gotta shoot back or else they won't respect you," Pam said. "That got them to chill out. Well that and I shot out one of their tires! HA!"
"I'm in Hell," Mr. Lee moaned. "I'm in Hell! And Satan is a taxi driver!"
"Technically I'm not a taxi driver," Pam said. "The HI RIDE people really don't like that saying. As well as actual taxi drivers. We prefer to be called Service Drivers."
VRRRRROOOOM!
BANG! BANG! BANG!
"JUST DO ME A SERVICE AND DRIVE OUT OF HERE!" Mr. Lee screamed as another shootout occurred.
"Hang on!" Pam said. "I'm taking another shortcut!"
"THAT'S HOW WE GOT INTO THIS MESS IN THE FIRST PLACE!" Mr. Lee shouted. "AAAAAAAAHHH!"
Several minutes later…
"Okay I think we lost them," Pam said as she drove down a different road. "Unfortunately, I think we're also lost."
"Of course, we are," Mr. Lee moaned.
"I know there's a turn somewhere around here," Pam said as she finished one of her drinks. She threw her cup out the window.
SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECHH!
CRASH!
HONK! HONK! HONK!
"You just caused another car crash!" Mr. Lee shouted as he looked behind them.
"Prove it!" Pam grinned. "Okay I think I know which way to go!"
"That will be a first," Mr. Lee groaned.
"Hang on!" Pam made a hard turn.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" Mr. Lee screamed.
HONK! HONK! HONK! HONK!
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!
SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH!
CRASH!
"Three car crashes," Mr. Lee groaned. "And two shootouts. That must be some record."
"Not really," Pam shrugged. "You should see the stats in New York! Here we go!"
VRRRRRRRROOOOM!
BEEP! BEEP!
"SHARE THE ROAD ASSHOLES!" Pam shouted.
"It's like I'm riding back in the wild west," Mr. Lee groaned.
A bit later…
"I think this GPS isn't working right," Pam said as they drove on a highway. "It says we're close to Riverside Road. I don't see any Riverside Road."
"WE'RE NOT EVEN IN LOS ANGELES ANYMORE!" Mr. Lee shouted. "Turn back! Turn back! I'm late enough as it is!"
"Oh, we're in Riverside County," Pam realized. "My bad. Okay I'll take this turn and everything will be fine."
"I seriously doubt it," Mr. Lee groaned.
"By the way the tolls are on me," Pam said. "I won't charge you extra for that. Actually, I think this car has one of those automatic things so we should be okay."
"I doubt we will be okay ever again," Mr. Lee groaned.
BUMP! BUMP! BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!
"OW!" Mr. Lee shouted as he hit his head on the roof.
"Sorry," Pam said. "Damn potholes."
BUMP! BUMP! BUMP! BUMP! BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!
"I've been on safari dirt roads that didn't have as many bumps," Mr. Lee groaned.
"Looks like there's more construction on this street," Pam said. "Let's try going down this road."
"Let's try pulling over and calling an actual taxi!" Mr. Lee shouted.
"Relax! I've got this!" Pam said.
"No, you don't," Mr. Lee groaned.
BUMP! BUMP! BUMP! BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!
SPLAT!
"AAAH!" Mr. Lee shouted as several cheesy taters flew onto his suit.
"Ooh sorry dude," Pam apologized.
"My dry cleaner is going to love this story," Mr. Lee looked at his suit.
Another hour later…
"Just let me out," Mr. Lee moaned. "Let me out! I don't want to die here! I just don't want to die here!"
"Hang on I see a sign," Pam said. "Welcome to Arizona. Huh. Must have made a wrong turn."
"Just drop me off in the desert!" Mr. Lee groaned. "I'll take my chances with the coyotes!"
"Hang on!" Pam made a hard turn. "I know another shortcut!"
"Forget the damn merger," Mr. Lee wept. "I just want to live! I WANT TO LIVE!"
"Maybe it's this turn here?" Pam blinked. "Is that the Grand Canyon?"
"HELP!" Mr. Lee rolled down the window. "SOMEBODY HELP! SOMEBODY! ANYBODY!"
"Relax!" Pam said. "Enjoy the scenery."
"It may be the last I ever gaze upon," Mr. Lee moaned.
"I know a shortcut!" Pam said.
"WHEN WILL THIS NIGHTMARE END?" Mr. Lee moaned. "Oh my God I think that is the Grand Canyon!"
"It is pretty," Pam said.
"WATCH THE ROAD! WATCH THE ROAD!" Mr. Lee shouted.
"Whoops!" Pam realized she drifted into another lane.
HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONK!
"UP YOURS!" Pam snapped at the other driver.
"WATCH THE ROAD! WATCH THE ROAD!" Mr. Lee screamed.
"Huh?" Pam noticed something in the road. "SQUIRREL!"
SCRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH!
CRASH!
The car crashed into a tree. "Jesus H. Chrysler," Pam groaned. "We're in the middle of a frickin' desert and I had to crash into one tree! What are the odds?"
"WHY DID YOU CRASH INTO A TREE?" Mr. Lee screamed.
"I didn't want to hit the squirrel," Pam pointed. "Damn thing. Probably did that on purpose. Laughing its furry ass at us. Good thing we had our seat belts on huh?"
"THERE IS NOTHING GOOD ABOUT THIS RIDE FROM HELL!" Mr. Lee screamed as he managed to get out of the car. "I MISSED MY MERGER! I WAS NEARLY KILLED SEVERAL TIMES! AND I HAVE GOD DAMN CHEESY TOTS ALL OVER MY FIVE THOUSAND DOLLAR SUIT!"
"So, you're not gonna leave a positive review on the rating?" Pam blinked.
"WHAT DO YOU THINK?" Mr. Lee shouted.
"Yes?" Pam asked hopefully.
"TAXI!" Mr. Lee screamed.
"Like you're gonna get one out here," Pam waved. "I'm sure the highway patrol will be along sooner or later. In the meantime, you want a brewski? I've got a cooler in the back."
"Are you kidding me?" Mr. Lee snapped. "You really think drinking a beer is the best thing you can do right now?"
"You're right," Pam said. "This second root beer is still cold. Ooh! I have some fudgy pops in the cooler too! That means I can make a half decent fudgy pop soda! What?"
The following day back at the Figgis Agency…
"Any-who," Pam said to Ray and Lana in the bullpen. "Long story short I'm not affiliated with HI RIDE anymore."
"How did you get fired from your job after only one customer?" Ray asked.
"It's not my fault!" Pam snapped. "That bitch Ugly had it out for me!"
"After you got him lost," Lana looked at her. "In Arizona!"
"The damn GPS was faulty," Pam protested.
"Got involved in a few shootouts…" Ray added.
"Only two," Pam waved. "I had Archer's gun."
"Oh, that makes things much better," Ray groaned.
"Apparently there's also some stupid rule about leaving food stains in the cars," Pam shrugged. "Okay that part was my bad. But come on! I didn't deserve to get fired over that!"
"That and you crashed the car," Lana added.
"They only knew about one crash," Pam said. "I was kind of involved in about three or four.
"One is more than enough!" Ray said. "Especially with your driving Ms. Demolition Derby!"
"Hey! I'm a great driver!" Pam snapped. "Nobody got hurt! Not even the damn squirrel. That guy Ugly was just being a drama queen!"
"You're lucky that he didn't press kidnapping charges against you," Ray said.
"On the plus side I did see part of the Grand Canyon," Pam shrugged. "That was pretty cool. So, it wasn't a completely wasted trip."
"The way you were driving it sounds like you got wasted before your trip," Ray remarked.
"Only a couple of shots of bourbon," Pam waved. "Lucky for me the cops didn't give me a breathalyzer test."
"You will not believe what happened!" Cheryl stormed in.
"Try us," Ray said. "We're gullible."
"My idiot head of the board of directors never even showed up to that stupid merger!" Cheryl said. "And for some reason he had the gall to blame me for it!"
"Really?" Pam gulped.
"That idiot Ugly lost my company millions of dollars and that Hawk Flight railroad thing ended up merging with a rival train company," Cheryl grumbled. "And he had the nerve to blame me! Well I showed him! I cut his salary in half! And I took away his company car! He's gonna have to take a taxi to work!"
"Irony," Ray remarked. "Just irony!"
"Does he need a driver?" Pam asked. Everyone looked at her. "What?"