My most profound thanks to SamRosinenbomber for allowing me(with permission of course) to write a short fic in her universe. If you have not read her stories of postwar hijinks of Hogan and crew, go do it now. You've been missing out. And this probably won't make a ton of sense if you don't know the universe with Lizzy and the rest.

Also thank you to my ever-willing beta readers. And those I bother with ramblings about plot. I originally had the idea for a short funny scene and it wouldn't work as per factual info from my good friend River. So in discussing it all with her, it morphed into all this. Thanks River! Unless everyone thinks this sucks, then it's all my fault.

Newkirk wasn't actually sure how he had ended up agreeing to watch the Stephenson girls. Thinking about it, he wasn't sure he HAD agreed to watch the Stephenson girls. Mrs Stephenson had knocked on his door and blurted out something about her sister and hospital and pregnancy and something vague about water breakage which made him feel just a touch faint to think about and he'd agreed to whatever she was asking in hopes that she wouldn't elaborate further on the pregnancy stuff.

Now he was looking at the two girls who stared blankly up at him. "Uhh… well..."

"Ida!" Lizzy came flying at top speed into the room and attached to her friend. "Can you stay and play? Daddy, can Ida play? Can we have a tea party? Will you make proper tea and then Ida and I can have a real tea party and please say it's okay, daddy!"

Suddenly Newkirk found there were more awkward things than having two girls staring at him, and that was three girls all staring at him and he agreed again, without really understanding what he was agreeing to. It was a very very bad habit to develop. He thought he had learned better in the military(His Majesty's Royal Air Force… ahem).

He cleared his throat over the happy squealing noises. "You have to behave though!" He was roundly ignored as both young girls took off up the stairs, sounding more like a small herd of elephants than two small four year olds. Letting out a soft sigh, he turned to head back to the laundry room and nearly ran into Inez, the older girl. "Oh! Oh… well, 'ello."

"Hello Mr Newkirk." Inez gazed somberly up at him.

He fidgeted a little. "I don't suppose you'd want to play tea party, would you?" He suddenly cleared his throat. "I mean, with the girls, not that I want to play tea party."

"No sir. I have to write a report." She showed him some books and papers tucked under her arm.

"Oh, okay. Then you do that." He nodded and she still stood there looking at him until he realized he should show her a place to do the schoolwork. He started towards Hogan's office where there was a desk and stopped. Hogan's desk was probably a bad idea. Who knows what sort of stuff would be on it. Police work and confidential paperwork… knowing Hogan, probably underwear too. "Would the kitchen table be a proper place for schoolwork for you?"

She nodded and followed him into the kitchen and settled down at the wooden table. Inez seemed to have a system of where all the books and pages went and she already had a pencil to write with so he stopped watching her and got the kettle out to heat some water. After a moment of silence, he frowned and went to the stairs. "What are you girls doing?"

"Nothing Daddy!" came from Lizzy's room followed by a lot of giggling. Giggling was always a bad sign.

He sighed and went up the stairs and poked his head in her doorway. "Love, I don't think Schultzie likes wearing dresses."

"He doesn't mind." Lizzy was tying a bright ribbon on the patient cat. She picked him up and settled him next to the little table and began getting out her tea set. "When will our tea be ready?"

"Soon." Giving up on his battle for the cat's dignity, Newkirk returned to the kitchen. If the cat wasn't going to raise any fuss, neither would Newkirk. Inez was still writing on her paper quietly and so the Englishman busied himself getting out the canister of tea and his own teapot.

He was rinsing the teapot with hot water when there was a soft click and Inez made a little noise of dismay. "I broke my pencil." She held up the pencil with no point to him.

"Would you like me to sharpen that?" Taking the pencil, Newkirk flicked a knife into his palm and carefully sharpened it. It only took a moment and he held out the pencil as he slipped the blade back up his sleeve. "There you go, love, all fixed."

She was staring at him. "Where did it go?"

"What? The pencil? It's right 'ere?" He showed it to her.

"T-the knife." She pointed at his empty hand.

"Oh bugg….bug bites." Newkirk corrected himself quickly. "It's nothing. Just a trick." He didn't suppose a father type person should be producing knives out of thin air. Plucking up her rubber, he showed it to her and vanished it. "Now you see it, now it's gone." He produced it with a flourish. "And it's back." He handed over the pencil and rubber. "Just a little trick."

From her wide eyes, he didn't think she was buying the casual dismissal. "Thank you for sharpening my pencil."

"Quite all right." He turned back to the teapot, finishing the hot water rinse. There was a thunder of little feet coming down the stairs as he dumped tea leaves into the pot. "No, Lizzy, it's not ready yet."

"Did you put the water in? Is it really hot? Ida brought her dolly so we need another cup." Lizzy climbed onto a kitchen chair while Ida went to look at her sister's school papers. The two girls whispered to each other as Lizzy leaned on the kitchen table with her elbows, beginning to slide further up onto the table trying to look across at the schoolwork as well.

"Lizzy, don't climb on the table." Newkirk eyed her until she slid back down into the chair.

"Daddy..." Lizzy exchanged a look with Ida. "Mrs Stephenson always makes us a treat when we stay with her."

This made Newkirk pause. Looking carefully at Lizzy showed him that totally innocent face that could mean she was being purely truthful or lying through her little baby teeth. "Does she then?"

"Uh huh." Lizzy nodded but stuck her finger into her mouth which told him she was making up stories.

Before he could say anything, Ida spoke up. "Mr Newkirk can't bake us treats! He's a boy! Only mommies bake things."

Now he had to produce. "That's not true, boys can cook too." He bent to look at her. "My friend LeBeau has a restaurant and he cooks all the food there. And I cook dinner and things here. Even Co… Sheriff Hogan can cook." He straightened up. "I'll make biscuits for you girls."

"Yay!" Lizzy and Ida's cheering made him feel a little bit as if he'd been snookered but it was too late now. And making up a batch of biscuits wasn't the hardest thing in the world. Sure, the last batch had been rejected by even Bruno, but this time Newkirk was certain they'd come out right. At least, Bruno probably wouldn't bury them. He sighed and turned the kettle off as the two girls imitated elephants going upstairs again and rummaged in the cabinet for flour and sugar. He would make the tea once the biscuits were done.

"Are you going to set the oven on fire?" Inez's voice made him jump. "Every time my father tries to cook, the oven catches on fire."

"Cor… no, the oven will not catch fire." He hoped not. It would be terribly embarrassing if it happened now. And last time was Hogan's fault anyway. Who stored oven mitts inside the oven?

"They're awfully black." Lizzy frowned at the biscuits.

Newkirk set two on her plate. "They're just a bit brown on the edges. Eat your biscuits."

"These are cookies not biscuits." Ida picked one up and examined it closely.

"In England, they're called biscuits." Newkirk stacked them up nicely. "You 'ave tea and biscuits." He eyed her when she started to reply and she tasted her biscuit instead. Apparently it tasted okay because there were no more objections.

Lizzy had eaten one already, sneakily taking two more when she thought Newkirk wasn't looking. "Daddy, can we take some upstairs?"

"Sure." Feeling very fatherly, he ignored her taking one more.

"Ida is a guest, Daddy, so can we have real teacups?" Lizzy was determined to sneak yet another cookie but he took the plate to put aside out of her easy reach.

"You can use my teacups but only if you promise me most solemnly to be very careful with them. No 'orseplay."

Lizzy came off the chair and stood in front of him with her hand held over her heart. "I solemnly promise not to play with any horses."

"That's not what…" He gave up. "Good enough." Retrieving the most delicate pieces of dishware left in the house, he handed over the two teacups. "I'm only giving you four sugarcubes. You can have two cups of tea each that way. No more sugar." His stern declaration went mostly unnoticed as Lizzy took off for her room at top speed with teacups and Ida in tow.

"Okay Daddy!" floated back from the staircase. Once again the herd of elephants went up the stairs.

He sighed and placed the lid on the teapot. Leaving it to brew, he started back to the washroom to check on the laundry and then stopped at the door to look at Inez. She was back to writing on papers so he supposed she was fine.

When he returned from laundry work, having moved clothing to appropriate machines, answered Lizzy's query about the state of the tea twice and folded most of the dry clothing except for the shirts which would need ironing(with starch for Hogan's collars, how HAD Newkirk ended up doing all the ironing in the house anyway?), he found Inez frowning at a book and the tea brewed a bit too strong.

"Lizzy! Tea's done!" He waited until he heard the elephant stampede begin before he got out the strainer. Lizzy brought her teapot in and he poured the brewed tea in and topped it off with cool water to make sure it wasn't too hot for the children to drink. Lizzy took the teapot and Ida held the little sugarbowl while Newkirk put 4 sugar cubes into it and refused Lizzy's suggestion of 6 even when she implored on Schultzie's behalf and sent them up the stairs to have their tea party.

"Inez, would you care for tea?" He pulled out the other two teacups.

"No thank you, Mr Newkirk." She smiled at him. She seemed like such a nice little girl. "I don't like tea." Well… then there was that.

"Everyone should appreciate a proper cuppa." Newkirk tried not to frown as he prepared his own cup.

Inez watched him before replying. "My father says that only girls drink tea."

"Your father is a right…" swallowing back the comment before it could escape, Newkirk smiled instead. "A right thoughtful man, 'e is." He took a breath. "In England, everyone drinks tea."

"Oh." Inez thought a moment and then looked at her book and papers. "Can you help me with this?"

Perking up, Newkirk settled into the chair next to hers. "I'm sure I can give it a good whack. What bit is sussing you up?"

"Ummm." Pointing at a passage in a book, she held out the paper to him. "I'm supposed to write a history essay about this part."

"Oh, I always did love 'istory lessons. It's interesting to learn about 'ow things came to be, don't you think so?" Newkirk was fairly confident with schoolwork. He hadn't gone to very much formal school himself as a child but he'd learned more than most teaching himself where the schooling had stopped. History was interesting and he'd spent many a night with a book of it while traveling from one stop to another on the circus trains and wagons. A quick perusal of the chapter made him frown though. "I don't rightly remember any of this..." He looked at the front of the book and froze. Of course it would be American history. "I don't… well I don't know a lot of American 'istory but I can try helping. What part is giving you trouble?"

"The Revolutionary War." Inez flipped a few pages to a particular chapter in the book.

"Which war would that rightly be, then?" Newkirk was rifling his brain trying to decide which war would meet the description.

"It's the war of Independence from the evil British empire and the unjust king, of course!" Inez read from her report. "The good and just American revolutionaries fight for a long time and finally make the redcoats go back to England." She beamed happily. "That's as far as I got but it's got to be two pages long."

Newkirk felt his eye twitch. "Let's just look and see what the textbook says, shall we? I think you've got a few bits just a tad wrong there." He picked the book out of her hand and started reading the chapter. Five minutes later his eyes had narrowed. "Well isn't that a bit of rubbish. This is all wrong." He closed the book and set it aside. "Let me tell you how it really 'appened then and we'll work on that report."

By the time Mrs Stephenson had returned, full of details concerning a new nephew, thankfully short of messy bits Newkirk would rather not hear about, all of the schoolwork was finished and Lizzy and Ida were both asleep on the couch while Inez was listening to the radio with Newkirk. Her girls had sleepily thanked him when prompted by their mother and she ushered them out.

"Thank you again, Mr Newkirk, I do hope they were not much trouble for you." The lady was all smiles as they left.

"Oh no, no trouble. Anytime." Newkirk waved. "Good night." He shut the door feeling very accomplished. Lizzy had come to cling sleepily to his leg. "Well my love, I think it's time for bed for you."

She raised her arms to be picked up. "Where's Dad?" Her head tilted over to lay on his chest as he carried her up the stairs. "Wanna wait up for Dad."

"No, Lizzy, 'e needed to stay overnight at the station." Putting her to bed was easy considering that she was almost asleep before he reached her room. Tucking her blanket around her, he found her favorite stuffed bunny to put under her arm and kissed her gently. "Good night, love."

"Night Daddy."

He shut her bedroom door and headed off to prepare for bed himself. He was indeed a very good father figure. If he felt just a little bit smug, then well he deserved to. Newkirk felt he was doing quite well at this whole 'father' and 'neighbor' type life.

Mid-afternoon the next day, Hogan was home, finally awake and drinking coffee and complaining about how Newkirk had brewed it.

"It's not that I'm ungrateful for hot coffee and I do appreciate that you brewed it up for me and everything, but you do realize we're not in Germany anymore and you don't have to use a sock in the pot, right?" Hogan was still sipping at the cup although he made a face each time at the taste.

"Ha ha. Very bleeding funny, sir. Next time maybe I should put a dirty sock in it just so you'll appreciate me efforts more." His smirk made Hogan sigh and continue drinking the coffee. "I think you should just drink proper tea instead."

"You would." There was a knock at the door and Hogan got to his feet quickly. "I got it." He rather gratefully set the cup on the table to leave behind as he wandered out to the front door. Another louder knock sounded just before he reached the door and he called out. "Coming!"

When he opened the door, he found a very angry looking Mrs Stephenson standing there and automatically backed up a step. "Hello… is something wr..."

"Where is Mr Newkirk?!" snapped out Mrs Stephenson.

Now Hogan always stood by his men, throughout the war, in the stalag and even in the face of the Gestapo. He would put himself between them and harm whenever possible. But even Hogan had a strong sense of self-preservation.

"I'll get him." He retreated quickly, poking his head into the kitchen. "Hey Newkirk, someone at the door for you." He then disappeared before Newkirk could ask any awkward questions like 'Will I be at risk of bodily harm if I go to the door?' If he wasn't asked, he couldn't lie.

Hogan moved to the living room, near the hallway entrance so he could hear but wasn't right in the line of fire. He watched Newkirk amble to the door cheerfully. "Oh 'ello, Mrs Stephenson. Don't tell me someone else 'as broken water!"

Her eyes narrowed and she stepped into the doorway to shake a folded paper under his nose. "MISTER Newkirk." Her clipped tones made it clear how angry she was. "Did you tell my daughter Inez to write this monstrosity of a history report?"

Backing up half a step carefully, Newkirk eyed the paper. "I did 'elp Inez with a 'istory lesson last night… yes. I didn't write it for 'er or anything though, I just checked it for spelling afterwards."

"You… you… YOU..." Mrs Stephenson closed her mouth and visibly forced herself to calm. "You told her that our Revolutionary heroes were..." She quickly unfolded the paper to quote. "That they were 'ungrateful rebels too cheap to pay the rightful taxes placed on them by good King George'?"

Hogan swallowed back a cough at that. He might have to step in front of Newkirk after all.

Newkirk suddenly was wringing his hands a little. "Well, yes perhaps I went a bit overboard but… I had good intentions." He took a breath. "You see, that textbook just 'ad everything wrong and I thought that..."

"You thought? You most certainly did not think. Inez's teacher sent home a note!" Now Mrs Stephenson advanced another step. "My daughter was called unpatriotic!" Another step. "In class!"

Newkirk was now looking directly into the very angry face of an American housewife and he distinctly looked as if he would have preferred the Gestapo. "I'm sorry… but… it was all wrong..." he said quietly. "I can go talk to 'er teacher and straighten it all out, 'onestly. I didn't mean for Inez to get into any trouble."

"You'd better straighten it out." Mrs Stephenson thrust the note into his chest. "Or I'm coming back here and straightening you out."

"Yes ma'am." Newkirk was so shaken up that he stood there for a long moment after she had left, front door still standing open.

Hogan came over and closed the door quietly. "You okay?"

"Yeah… sure..." Newkirk read the note in his hand. "I'd better get up to the school." He turned around and blinked as he tried to think. "You can watch Lizzy, right?"

"Of course. Would you rather I go up and explain?" Hogan did feel rather bad now. Newkirk had so far been rather popular with the neighborhood mothers and this was his first experience having one of them angry at him.

"No, bugger that. I'll just go set the teacher straight and explain things." Newkirk mustered up a smile. "No big ruckus, I'm sure." He pulled on a jacket and smoothed a hand over his hair. "I'll just explain where their textbooks got things wrong. Be back in a tic."

Hogan lost his encouraging smile and raised a hand to object but Newkirk was already closing the door behind himself. "Oh that's just going to go so well."

"Where's Daddy going? Who was yelling?" Lizzy had appeared, hugging her stuffed bunny. Apparently the shouts had been loud enough to get her attention even up in her bedroom where she'd been playing. "Is Daddy okay?" Her voice had gone a little shrill.

Hogan hurried to pick her up and comfort her. "Oh, no no, Daddy is just fine. He just has to go up to the school and talk to one of the teachers. That's all."

"Do you promise?" Lizzy hugged his neck tightly. Hogan knew she was extremely sensitive to anything she might hear as fighting.

"Yes, I promise. Newkirk is just going to have a talk with one of Inez's teachers about some homework he helped her with. It's no big deal at all." He snuggled her with a big smile. "In the meantime, let's go work in the kitchen. I will need you to help me though. Can you help me get ready for supper?"

"Uh huh." Looking reassured, Lizzy kissed his cheek soundly. "What will we have for supper?"

"Uhhh well, how about we have potato and hash patties?" Hogan felt confident in making that. It was easy and if he remembered correctly, there was leftover beef in the refrigerator. Plus he liked it and Newkirk didn't hate it. Lizzy usually liked anything she could help cook. "You can stir all the stuff up. How's that?"

With Lizzy's enthusiastic agreement, Hogan began to pull items out while she rummaged in the lower cabinets for mixing bowls. Sometimes Hogan really enjoyed this new 'dad' thing. Lizzy was never any trouble at all.

He amended that inside his head as several prior incidents immediately came to mind. Lizzy was slightly less trouble than running a secret sabotage operation inside a German POW camp during the war.

Slightly.

Then Lizzy beamed up at him when she found the right mixing bowl and Hogan couldn't help but smile back and feel that warm fuzzy feeling inside his chest.

Lizzy was way more lovable and worth all the trouble. No doubt.

Hogan was back in his office working on some paperwork when the front door closed loudly. He and Lizzy had done all the prep work for dinner and then he'd sent her upstairs to play. Getting up, he went to check and found Newkirk pacing the living room.

Despite the evidence of Newkirk's anger, Hogan elected to try a positive approach. "Hey, back already? Did you get everything straightened out?"

Newkirk whirled at his voice. "OH yes! Yes, I bloody well straightened everything out! These…. these Colonists are all ruddy crackers!" He advanced on Hogan and then twisted to pace away again. "Do you know…. do you KNOW what that git had the nerve to tell me? She said that I was wrong and that her textbooks had all the facts that anyone ever needed!"

"Well, it is..." began Hogan only to be cut off.

"Needed! Facts! It's a load of propaganda, it is! A load of codswallop, if you ask me! Cor! I was about chuffed at her and I tried…. tried mind you! Tried to show 'er where it was wrong but no, she wants to teach only this half arsed pack of lies. I could bloody bodge up a better set of lessons without even giving half a chance and I gave me welly keeping me temper, I did!" ranted Newkirk. His pacing sped up as he gestured wildly.

Hogan watched and worried that he'd somehow lost his ability to understand basic English. Anytime Newkirk got overly worked up about something, good or bad, he had a tendency to drop back into his native speech. It was supposed to be English but it was British English and to Hogan, it sounded similar to Swahili.

He waited until Newkirk seemed to have wound down or perhaps simply run out of breath. "Well look, you do have to see that here in America, you'd expect to see the American version of things." Newkirk was glaring at him but Hogan couldn't tell if it was anger at him or if he was just still angry in general. The Englishman was slow to cool off when he threw a fit. "It's not a big deal, it's not like the textbooks are actually wrong."

That had an immediate effect. "Not bloody wrong?" Newkirk began to stutter in anger.

"Well yes, we did win the war and from our side, that's how it happened. I know that you probably got taught a little different version but..." Hogan saw his friend's face darkening and trailed off. "Now, don't go getting all mad..."

"That may be 'ow you Americans get taught but my daughter is not learning such utter rubbish." said Newkirk.

"Lizzy is American. Her family was American and her history is American and she lives in America." said Hogan with some heat. He barely shut his mouth before he said too much.

Apparently his silence didn't matter. Newkirk's anger dropped for a split second as he gazed at Hogan, showing pure hurt before the mask slammed back up. "I see. The only thing around 'ere what isn't American is me."

"I don't mean it like that." Hogan's words were in vain as Newkirk stormed back out. He knew the Cockney. He would stomp and be angry and eventually come back calmer. He sighed and went to the kitchen to get dinner started. By the time Newkirk returned, they would be ready to eat and a good meal should finish settling his temper.

Newkirk hadn't gone far. As much as he would have preferred storming off through the neighborhood, he really didn't want to make a spectacle of himself. So instead he'd gone on the porch and slumped against the house wall, ignoring the chairs.

He was already feeling foolish. It was ridiculous to think that the British(proper) version would be taught on this side of the pond. It didn't make it feel any better to know that he was surrounded by Yanks who all thought of his home country as bad guys who had oppressed their oh-so-righteous ancestors.

Sitting on the wooden floor of the porch, he watched the quiet neighborhood and tried to not feel sullen. Sometimes it was hard to be the only Londoner. The neighborhood was almost exclusively American so he was one of the only Europeans… actually one of the only non-Americans, exactly as he'd shouted earlier. He was alone in a sea of Colonists. It wasn't enough to be on the lower bit of the ladder back home, being Cockney and poor. No, he had to be considered the same on this side as well, for being English. The teacher had even called him a 'Limey' which was hardly the first time he'd heard the term but was the first time it hadn't been followed with 'bastard'.

Despite himself, he snorted softly in amusement. He supposed it wasn't so bad here. Some days it was just a bit of too much that he put up with every joke or snide remark to keep the peace and not make any fuss. Newkirk did spend the occasional day sitting in LeBeau's restaurant having shared griping sessions about being European living in the States. LeBeau's main complaints were regarding what Americans considered tasty food.

The front door opened up and he looked over to see Lizzy peeping out at him. "Daddy?"

"Yes, love?"

"You're not gonna go away, right?" Her wide eyes looked worried and suddenly Newkirk felt a wash of shame. He simply hadn't considered that she would be able to overhear any of his ranting.

"Of course not. Come 'ere." He held out open arms and she rushed into them. Lifting her into his lap, he cuddled her and kissed her head over and over until she giggled. "I would never leave you, Lizzy."

She wriggled around until she could gaze at him solemnly. "You were yelling really loud."

"Well I was really mad." Taking a breath in, Newkirk let it out and then stroked her unruly curls. "Sometimes people get really mad and they yell. I get mad sometimes and I yell. But that doesn't mean that I'm going to leave. It doesn't mean that I'm mad at you." He kissed her face again. "I love you very much. And if one day I got really mad at you, I would still love you just as much. There's nothing that you could do to make me stop loving you, love." He smiled. "Because I love you whole lots and lots and lots. No matter what. Even when I'm mad. Even if I shout."

She hugged him around his neck tightly. "No matter what?" Her little voice made him blink at the sudden moisture in his eyes.

"No matter what, Lizzy. Always." He hugged her back until she loosened her hold and settled back to look at him again. "So you're okay?"

"Uh huh." Her finger went into her mouth and she still looked worried. "Daddy?"

"Yes love?"

"I broke one of your teacups."

He sighed heavily. "Okay."

"You still love me right?"

"Let me think about it." He pretended to be considering it.

She pouted at him. "Daddy! You said no matter what!"

"Oh I did? Well, then I guess I still love you even if you broke one of my teacups then." He was hugged again. "I'm sorry I was shouting earlier."

"That's okay Daddy. You get awfully shirty sometimes."

Hogan's head came up at the peal of laughter from the front porch. He guessed by that sound that he didn't have to worry about Newkirk's fit of temper anymore.

End Fic

Thank you again to SamRosinenbomber for borrowing your AU and if this is great, it's all due to her great characters. If it sucks, it's all my fault for failing to use them well.