The Ties That Bind (and Gag)
"C'mon, boys, I want this done pronto, before any more damage can be done!" snapped Joker. "I've already got five hits and that's all I can take right now!"
"What on earth are you talking about?" demanded Edward Nygma, turning away from the computer screen to glare at him.
"Says here – five hits," retorted Joker, pointing to the screen.
"A hit is when somebody visits your page," said Jervis Tetch. "It's a good thing."
"Boy, I got a lot to learn about this internet," said Joker, shaking his head. "And only five visits to my page? What the hell am I doing wrong? I should have broken the damn thing by now!"
"Broken the internet?" repeated Jonathan Crane. "That's virtually impossible."
"Which means on the internet, it's just impossible," said Joker. "Y'know, 'cause the whole thing is virtual."
Tetch, Nygma, and Crane shared a look. "Joker, perhaps you should stop making jokes about something you don't understand…" began Tetch.
"Hey, I understand it plenty!" interrupted Joker. "I know all about the trending and the Facetweet and the Instabook..."
"Then why did you call us all over here?" asked Nygma.
"Because, nerds, I need someone with nerd-skills to do a nerdy thing," retorted Joker. "And I ain't a nerd, and you guys are, so that's why."
"Did you really need all three of us?" asked Crane.
"Well, I didn't know which one of you was the nerdiest," said Joker, shrugging. "So I just called you all, and you can fight it out amongst yourselves. But not literally – that would just be creepy to watch. Like watching a buncha girls fight, but without it being hot…"
"Joker, can't you just tell us the reason you wanted us to set up an online dating profile for you?" asked Nygma. "Does Harley know about this?"
"Harley is the reason I'm doing it," snapped Joker. "That ungrateful little brat has run off sobbing to her plant pal again just because we had a teeny tiny bust up…"
"Meaning what exactly?" asked Crane.
"Meaning I shoved her outta a window," said Joker, waving his hand. "Not even a very high one at that! Anyway, her plant pal has insisted on creating an online dating profile for her, so she can get out there and get over me as soon as possible. I need a profile in order to join the site and spy on her activity. I also need you boys to hack into her messages. Normally I can do my own hacking, of course, just ask those hostages!" he chuckled. "Oh wait, you can't, because I hacked them all up into tiny pieces!"
"That's not what hacking means in this context," retorted Nygma.
"Though I do wonder why computer terminology is so aggressive," said Tetch, thoughtfully. "Hits, hacking, crashing..."
"There's probably a fascinating psychology paper in the violent tendencies of the technologically proficient, but I'm more interested in why exactly you want to hack Harley's messages," said Crane.
"To see if she's set up any dates with anyone," retorted Joker. "So I can hunt them down and kill them. And then I can do a little more hacking of my own!" he chuckled.
"Is that your idea of showing you care?" asked Crane, dryly.
"It's my idea of punishing guys for trying to get their hands on my property," growled Joker. "So don't get any ideas, nerd!"
"You probably wouldn't have to go to such extreme lengths if you just showed Harley that you care about her," said Tetch. "The way normal people do."
"Which in your case would be, what?" asked Joker. "Brainwashing them and making them dress up in Alice in Wonderland costumes?"
"Actually, I think you'll find that my attempts to woo Alice were very traditional," retorted Tetch. "Flowers, romantic carriage rides through the park, expensive dinners…it was only after she refused me that I was forced to take extreme measures…"
"Well, I'm sorry, Tetchy, but I ain't a traditional kinda guy," said Joker. "Harley knows that, and she shouldn't have become involved with me if she wanted some fawning, swooning doormat."
"There's a huge difference between showing somebody you care and being a doormat," said Nygma.
"Oh, don't try to lecture me about relationships, Eddie," sighed Joker. "You've never had one. Anyway, Harley's always showing me she cares, and she's a doormat. Ergo, being a doormat is showing someone you care."
"That's not how logic works…" began Nygma.
"You know, you should be more grateful and appreciative to Harley," interrupted Crane. "She does so much for you."
"That makes her a sucker," retorted Joker. "And why should I be grateful for a sucker?"
"Well, just imagine your life without her," said Tetch.
"Yeah, a dream!" sighed Joker. "No nagging brat begging me for sex, no incompetent dolt messing up my schemes with the Bat, just peace and quiet and good times! My life would be better without her. It would always have been better without her, and it always will be better without her."
"If you think that, then why do you even want her back?" asked Nygma.
"It's the principle of the thing, Eddie – I can't expect you to understand," retorted Joker. "Or any of you, having never had a woman. See, a woman is a possession. Not a very valuable one, but one you've invested some energy into, and put some part of yourself into, if you get my drift, and you don't wanna have all your time and effort wasted. And you especially don't want some other guy getting his grubby hands on your stuff. You'll understand when you all grow up and finally get a girlfriend. Which is to say, never!" he chuckled.
"Joker, you can't treat a woman as an object…" began Tetch.
"Why not?" demanded Joker. "She's mine, I made her, and I can do what I want with her!"
"I certainly hope some other men have messaged Harley," growled Crane. "And that she's gone on dates with them, so she can see that every man isn't a disgusting, self-absorbed creep with no respect for her feelings."
"Aw, rookie mistake, Johnny," said Joker, shaking his head. "See, women don't have feelings. They're like children, or animals, or Batman. You just need to learn how to handle them, make them obey, and then they'll do whatever you want. And if they put one toe outta line, like Harley, you show them the penalty for disobedience, and make the punishment so bad that they won't do it again. Couldn't be simpler. In Harley's case, I'm gonna go on a murderous rampage slaughtering a bunch of lonely men, and it'll be all her fault. That should have her crawling back here on her knees."
"But I thought Ivy was the one who set up the profile," said Nygma. "Wouldn't that be more like punishing her?"
"No, slaughtering men wouldn't be punishing Pammie," snapped Joker. "That's like her favorite past-time! Her punishment comes when Harley comes crawling back to me. Honestly, keep up!"
"Well, the profile is done," said Nygma. "And here's a list of the men who've messaged Harley, along with their addresses. Her password seems to be 'Ih8puddin,' so just put that in anytime you want to check her messages. And now if everything seems satisfactory, we'll just go…"
"Yep, that's all I needed," said Joker, shoving him out of the computer chair and ushering them all toward the door. "Now you losers can go back to wasting your lives doing whatever it is you do. Bye, nerds!"
"The joke's on him," muttered Nygma. "I put that he was interested in men on his profile. If that doesn't make the news and punish him enough, nothing will!"
"He can never be punished enough," growled Crane. "Did you hear the vile, disgusting things he said about that angel?! His property indeed! That woman has ten times his strength, and she'd be much better off without him!"
"The Joker would be much worse off without her, though," said Tetch, thoughtfully. "I wonder if he knows that."
"Of course he doesn't!" snapped Crane. "You heard him! Life would be a dream without her!"
"I think it would be a dream that would very quickly turn into a nightmare," said Tetch. "And there's probably some way to make him realize that."
"How?" asked Crane.
"Well, using our brains, of course," said Tetch. "Therein lies the answer to everything."
"You two do what you want – I've got work to do," said Nygma.
"Riddle emergency, is it, Edward?" asked Crane, dryly.
"I just have better things to do with my time than thinking up long, complicated ways to teach Joker a lesson," retorted Nygma.
"Oooh, sounds like cowardice to me," murmured Crane.
"It's not cowardice!" snapped Nygma. "I'm not afraid of the Joker!"
"Of course not, Edward," said Crane. "It's not like I'm an expert at recognizing fear or anything…"
"Oh, you think you're so smart?" demanded Nygma. "Fine, I'll show you! I'm going to construct a virtual reality program and lure Joker into it! A virtual reality program which will have scenarios like Harley never existing, or Harley dying suddenly, or Harley dumping him to be with someone else! And then he'll see what his life would be like without her, and he's the one who'll be crawling on his knees begging her to come back! All right?"
He stormed off without waiting for a response. "Who knew Edward could be so easily manipulated by reverse psychology?" asked Tetch, staring after him.
"Well, it was an easy guess," said Crane, shrugging. "He's really not very bright."