Dark clothes and gloomy air.
It will always hard for haru to attend funeral since she will always hate the smell of death. There's some kind of uneasy feeling about them, and it made her chest tightens and feel sick.
But today was different.
the funeral was still the same as ever. Black clothes. Gloomy air. White lilies. Haru was starting to get sick when her gaze met a pair of beautiful dark brown eyes. It was someya, her long-life crush that she barely talk with. she cannot get away from his tall figure. Black suits and white shirts will always great for him, and she cannot deny that funeral clothes are actually a perfect fit for him. She knew she stare long enough when her colleagues tapped her on the shoulder,
"Haru, are you okay?"
"Ah, sure. I'm okay" she smiled and started looking at the dark sky. "I think it's going to rain soon, should we stay in the house?"
Her colleagues nodded and they entered the now almost empty house. There's still some people left in the house and it was better than being outside and showered in rain, she thought. She looked for an empty seat and sit quietly, before she realized that it was someya that sits in front of him, eyes empty and folded hands.
Someya looks so depressed that haru cannot believe what she saw in front of her. The wide smile of his that she used to see is now completely gone. The dark brown eyes that used to be sparkle is now coloured black and gloomy.
What happened?
there are so much questions on her mind, but she cannot find one that is a good enough explanation for this. She tried to reach him out, maybe, maybe if she reached out and tell him that she was his old friend and she can help... maybe someya will be better.
But that was only a dream.
For that her words cannot be true.
xxxxx
The next day was a big shock for haru. She was prepared for her next photoshoot when her manager told the new plan for today.
"What is it?" haru looked at the pile of paper. It was a new schedule that planned pretty suddenly. "A... marriage photoshoot, really?" She throw a confused look at her manager.
"I'm so sorry, but you really should consider it since they pay the high price"
Haru creased her brows, "that's not the problem! What i meant the problem is who is going to be—" her words snapped out. She stared at the proposal long enough, and read them over and over again.
Someya.
Her photoshoot partner is her dearest someya?!
"What is it? Are you going to agree then?" Her manager smirks, i bet he knew this all along. "Shut up, it's not because of someya is famous, you know" she stared at the name sadly.
'But more importantly because he is a very dear person to me'
xxxxx
Haru's heartbeat is uncontrollably fast and she tried many times to calm down herself by looking at the mirror.
The dress is really pretty and all sparkly, it colour is pastel and that is just what she likes. The flower corsage is decorated pretty nicely with white lilies and baby breath and she cannot ask for a more beautiful arrangement than this. And the last is her hair, which is done beautifully into little curls that made her short hair looks really ethereal, and it was also perfect.
The only thing that is not perfect is her red blush on her cheek. Which is growing more and more reddish than before.
"My Goodness, haru!" She yelled at herself. Just then, a soft knock shocked her, she turned her head back and found someya was already opened the door.
He looks just perfect. The grey metallic tie and the grey suits matched perfectly to his black brownish hair. He smiled and approached her slowly, "are you done? Your manager asked me to pick you up"
Haru blushes spontaneously, making her face hotter than ever, it is as her brain was boiled to the top. "I'm so sorry to have you pick me up!" She bowed apologizing, before someya stopped her, "ah, no need to apologize okay? I'm just doing my things" he laughed a little and continue to walk, "now, shall we begin?"
The smile and laugh was fake. It clearly shows that. But why? Why does it felt different? Why does no one see them except haru? Haru feel happy just because she can do the photoshoot with her long-life crush but this is not what she wants. Eventhough someya was saying it was okay and did great through the whole photoshoot,someya was making mistakes a lot of times, like zoning out or tripping.
Haru didn't know if this is just someya she doesn't know about (since she haven't meet him for a long time) but she can sense it that something wrong is happened.
"Someya... are you okay?" Haru grabbed his hand tightly. She knew she is shy, but deep down she felt that she just need to do it. Someya shocked at the sudden gesture and smile, "i'm okay" turning his face close to her, somehow someya can feel her worried and warmth that reflects on her innocent face. "Don't put that kind of face" he laughed.
And for the first time, haru saw his genuine smile.
Someya puts her hand on top of her head and brushed her hair that fell to her side of her face. "But thank you" he smiled, the kind of sad smile that you met when someone finally reach out to you after a long time. Yeah, it was that kind of lonely smiles.
"If you put that kind of worried face..." someya is getting closer and closer to her face. Haru's breath stucked to her throat. Her head feels spinning around. She felt that she is going to passed out anytime. The only thing that keep her conscious is someya's warm breath that sweep her face and his gentle hand below her chin, "that urge me to kiss you, you know"
What happened next is she close her eyes and feel his lips is already touch her. It was long, sweet, and endearing. She can hear her manager told them to stay in that pose but somehow it sounds so far away. It is as feel as they're in different dimension.
Before finally someya breaks the kiss, haru is finally back to her present body and feel a warm grip on her hand.
"I'm sorry" someya smiles again, and that ends the photoshoot session of that day.
xxxxx
That night, haru clearly cannot sleep. She tried several times to change her sleep position, but that cannot help with anything. It was already 23:00 am and she cannot even close her eyes, so she decided to just open her phone and tell her bestfriend what happened today. She knew she will sound ridiculous, but who cares? Someya is her long-life crush and she cannot think of any other reason as better than that.
She was still in a halfway of typing when a big loud ring close her chatroom. It was from her manager. She picked it up and lazily asked her, "what is it? This is in the middle of the night, you know"
There was a long pause before her manager eventually speaked out, "we- we have a bad news" her voice turns into sobs, "someya—someya, we heard the news that he's gone"
Haru froze.
"What do you mean he's gone?" Haru tried to break the ice. She cannot believe what she just heard. "You know you saw him today with me doing the photoshoot right?"
There was a long pause again, "yes, we know but— after that..."
"After that what?!" Haru lost her patience. "Please tell me that you're kidding"
Her manager sobs, "no haru... it's not"
Haru felt her body goes numb. She felt chill run down her spine. After that, the manager cuts the line and tell her to calm down first before heading to the hospital where someya was taken care of.
Haru, without thinking, quickly took her red jacket and headed down to the hospital. It was 23:45 pm with a heavy snow, but haru doesn't care. All she needs to know is that everything is a lie and that someya is alive.
That's all she needs to know.
Without considering twice, she run to the emergency room and almost crash to everything that stopped her. There was several people there, including her manager, but no one really knows how is actually someya condition right now. The place where someya was taken care of is closed by a red curtain, which means that he's now probably in critical state. And it means that he's probably not dead yet.
Hell, he cannot be dead now, haru wished.
"Haru, please calm down yourself" her manager held her by her shoulder, while trying to distract her.
"How can i calm? Someya is there!" Haru screams at her manager, there was so much question and worry in her mind, she actually didn't know how to calm herself. "Please tell me he's alive" Tears began running down her face.
Suddenly a doctor exited from the red curtain and approached her. Her heart beats goes wild and all she can think now is someya, "which one of you is someya's family?" No one nodded, except his manager that came interrupting. "I'm sorry, i'm his manager here"
The two went walking and that's it when haru saw the curtain slightly opened. Someya was there, eyes closed and one of the doctor actually do the cpr things, a pump on the sternum and breathing by the ambubag. The sight was horrible enough to give haru a trauma. Someya was there, but his face was so pale and motionless.
What is happening?
haru turned his look and stare at the manager who's still talking with the doctor. She can read some of the word that consist 'dying' and 'ventilator' and it scares haru so much. "Manager, please tell me what is actually happening? Please?" Haru asked to her manager, pleading for some explanation.
Her manager looked down to the floor, "i was just talking with his manager on the office and we just got the news from one of the fellow who entered someya's changing room that he's unsconcious. We didn't know what actually happened... but apparently it was a suicide"
Haru felt weak at knees. Suicide? That cannot be right. For someone as lovely as someya... for someone who's just kiss her yesterday...
But that also explain all his weird acts and sad looks. Haru tears began streaming down to her face. She stared at someya, who seems still unsconcious.
Did someya really want to end his life?
xxxxx
After a few minutes, someya is finally announced as coma and he needs to be taken to the intensive care unit. There was several cables and a ventilator attached to his body and the whole sight is just... horrible. Haru always hates hospital, but hospital never makes her scared as this.
"He cannot breath on his own because of the pills he has taken before when he's trying to take his life, but he's definitely still there. He might be in coma but i think he's struggling for his life" said the doctor.
Haru stared from the distance, looking at someya's motionless body.
And she thought that, 'is he really struggling for his life?' Because... suicide is pretty much the end of everything for him. Suicide means that he has no way out, and he's ready to lose to everything he has been through. She might didn't know what is it that conflicts in someya's heart but... she just wants him to come back again and solve whatever it is that is bothering him. And she's ready to help him anytime. Hell, she wants to help him even if someya said no.
Haru regrets all her doubts. All her doubts from the very first beginning when she saw him in the funeral and when doing the photoshoot. If only she could be brave enough, approach him and ask him what is bothering him. Someya might be saved. He might be opening his heart for her. He was kissing her for her being worried, and she's pretty sure that someya just need someone to be his last resort.
Haru rubbed her tears and went to sit beside someya. She holds his hand tightly, and apologizing, "oh someya, i'm so sorry. I wish... i wish that i have the courage to ask you what happened before" she said with her teary eyes.
" you know, i love you from the very first time we met. It was already several years ago but that feeling was still the same, and i was so shocked when i met you in the funeral. I was captivated and both at the same time, speechless. You looks so sad and different, i wanted to ask you things... but... i have no guts. And then we met again and still, I didn't have the guts. Instead you kiss me and that was when everything i thought that maybe... maybe this is the beginning.
I'm so sorry i didn't have the courage to ask you before, i wish i could. That's why right now... i just want you to be alive and please, you didn't have to lose to this. I will help you, i promise you. Whatever it is... please, just open your eyes.
I love you"
Haru sobs and sink her head down to someya's chest while holding his hand tightly.
That was when suddenly someya's hand is moving slightly. Haru shocked and looked to someya's face, to found that a pair of brown eyes are looking actually to her eyes. His brown eyes are looking very sleepy, but it was the same kind of beautiful as before.
"Someya!" Haru stands up quickly, she went from shocked to totally speechless. She stared for a few seconds before finally realized and said, "s—should i—call the doctor?"
Someya shakes his head, and pulled haru's hand, as if he's saying to her that she need to get close to him. "Mm-hm" someya mumbles, then cough.
Haru placed her chair near someya's and sits down. She've never been this relieved. "Do you need anything?" She asked, while trying to rub her tears.
Someya shakes his head again, "no. I just need you here"
His words are pinching her heart. There is this unpleasant pain in her chest that makes her want to cry again. So she did, and she tried to hide her face, "why?... why did you do this?" Haru sobs.
Someya was gone silent for a few second before finally replied,
"I... don't deserve this life"
haru stopped crying, then hold his hand tight. "Why?"
"There's just so much mistakes i made in this life" someya looking at the ceiling.
Still sobbing, haru confronts his saying, "but that's not true if you just giving up... i mean mistakes are made to be fixed. You deserve this life. You deserve all the happiness in this life"
"I love you, someya. Maybe i'm a little too late, but i love you. And I want you to be alive. You have me, and other people who can help you. Your life is not over and I want you to remember that i want to bring that beautiful smile again as much as I want you to be alive!" haru almost scream at the top of her lungs. Apparently the pain was too much for her. The pain of imagining how hard it must be for someya to makes him think that he doesn't deserve this life... it was unimaginable.
Someya widen his eyes looking at haru. He smiles faintly, then tears began welling up on his eyes.
haru hugs him tightly. She didn't think about shy or anything again. All she wants to do is feeling someya—the guy she loves, being alive. The way how his chest rising up and down, the way how his hair touch her neck, the way how someya's breathing tickles her nape... she needs him. She needs the warmth that coming out from his body.
They are hugging to each other long before finally haru let him go. The two of them looking at each other, before finally someya smiles widely and said,
"I love you too, haru. I always do"