Act One: Beginning
Cosmos and Chaos stood in the vast expanse of the empty land. A shimmering light had begun forming a temple as they stood there.
"My warriors, you have dome a fine job. You have fought many battles, died munerous times, and had your memory rewritten. But through these last few cycles, you have manged to keep your personalities. For that reson, I must leave you. Good luck, and farewell..." Cosmos addressed her warriors, tears glistening in her eyes.
Chaos gently laid a hand on her shoulder.
"They'll be fine, Cosmos," he said.
"But what if the maninkins are mean to them? Or they can't get along with the other warriors?" Cosmos asked.
"They're not little kids you're leaving at school, Cosmos. They can take care of themselves."
"I know." The Goddess of Harmony looked back toward her headquarters as the door materialized, finishing the temple. "I can't help but be worried about them."
"Come, Cosmos. It is time."
Chaos and Cosmos went and stood in the center of the large circular room. Beneath them, a circle appeared. In a flash, they were gone. In their place stood a stone with words carved into it. The warriors all feklt their gods leave them, and confusion befell all of them when nothing happened.
-A week later, Harmony HQ-
"A week since Cosmos left, and we're still here," Firion said. He didn't look up from his plate.
"At least we get to spend a bit more time together," Cecil responded.
The Warrior of Light chose that time to enter the room, with a medium-sized box in hand. He set it on the table, reached in, and pulled out the most disturbing thing Cecil had ever seen. As the Warrior of Light set the figurine on the table, he could feel the terror creeping into him. It only stood about two feet, yet there was no mistaking the sensation coursing through Cecil's body. The little humanoid figure had a blue jacket, red pants, and brown boots. A whit beard hid half of his face, and hung to his belt. On his head was a ponited, red cap. In his left hand was a lantern.
"This is Fudwick," the Warrior of Light stated.
That's nice and all, but why te hell's he here? Cecil thought.
"Oh, you got a gnome. Is he for the garden?" Firion sounded absolutely excited.
"Of course. Now, I need to find the proper place for him."
The Warrior of Light left the room. Firion and Cecil stared at the gnome.
"Wel, I guess there's a new member in our family," Firion said.
"I'm not sure I like him."
It was all Cecil could come up with. No way was he going to ever tell anyone about the terror he felt whenever he gazed upon a garden gnome. Firion laughed.
"Cecil, you just met him. At least he can't go around yelling. Or cut you off whenever you try to talk to him."
If Cecil didn't know any better, he'd say Firion's voice held an edge of irritation. But, that was for another time. There were more pressing matters at hand.
"He's got this look in his eye, Firion. He's not to be trusted."
Firion laughed at him once again.
"Even if that's so, the Warrior of Light isn't going to get rid of him. Once her makes a decision, nothing will get him to change his mind. Fudwick is here to stay."
Firion stabbed another piece of his pancake, and lifted it to his mouth.
"But Firion-"
"Cecil, we can't get rid of him." Firion pointed the fork at him as he spoke. Cecil leaned forward, taking the pancake off the fork as Firion continued speaking. "Do you want the Warrior of Light angry at you?"
"Well, no..."
"Then there's nothing to discuss. And don't eat my pancake."
Firion got back to his food as Tidus ran in. The blond ran over to the fridge, yanking the door open and grabbing some of its contents. He returned to the table, frowning when he saw Fudwick.
"Who's the gnome?" he asked.
"Fudwick. He's going to be in the garden."
"Ah. Anyway, careful if you guys go swimming. There's some really freaky things in the water."
Tidus began preparing himself a sandwich as he continued talking.
"Anyone else notice that in this short week the gods have been gone, weird stuff has been going on? I mean, first the moogles opened a mall. And they've got everything there! The Chaos guys have been leaving us alone as well. It's fine, I guess... just a little strange. Now our leader's buying garden gnomes!" Tidus began eating his sandwich.
"What concerns me more is the fact that we haven't been sent home yet," Firion said. He got up and began putting away the things Tidus had used.
"Perhaps there's something we still must do here."
"Cecil's right." The Warrior of Light's voice came from the doorway, startling the two. "There's probably a reason we're still here. We just haven't found it yet. Once we do, we can all go home."
The Warrior of Light went over, grabbed Fudwick from the table, and walked off with his gnome. The three in the room loked at each other, shrugged, and continued what they were doing.
-Same time, Chaos HQ-
The living room was empty, save for a few warriors. Sephiroth, Gabranth, and Ultimecia were on the couch, flipping through the channels. Emperor Mateus was sitting in a chair at the window, reading a book. Kuja came in, holding a paper and pencil.
"Does anyone need anything at the store?" he sighed.
"My makeup's running low," Emperor Mateus answered.
"Strawberrry Champagne scented shampoo," Sephiroth said.
"Nothing." The other two on the couch spoke up at once. Kuja added the items to his list and floated out of the room.
There was silence, then. Filled only with the sounds the people on-screen got out before the channel was changed again. Then, Emperor Mateus spoke up.
"Not now, Johnny. I'm reading." He turned the page and sighed. "I said not now."
"Mateus, are you feeling all right?" Ultimecia asked.
"I'm fine. It's Johnny who doesn't feel all right."
Ultimecia looked back at the television, not about to argue with him.
"Dammit, Johnny. Fine!"
Emperor Mateus stood after marking the page in his book. They could hear him mumbling to whoever Johnny was as he went down the hallway.
"He's been talking to this Johnny character an awful lot lately," Sephiroth remarked once he was certain the Emperor was out of hearing range. "Do you think he may be losing his mind?"
"I certainly hope not. What good is he to anyone if he's crazy?"
"Not at all." There was once more silence for a few minutes. "You tink we should go bother the warriors of harmoony again?"
"Nah. It'd be too boring now. And there's really no point to it, anyway."
"Or, we could attempt to get along with them. If we're going to be stuck here, with them, we might as well." Gabranth had finally spoken up.
"You're right, I suppose. How hard could it be?" Sephiroth spoke to no one in particular. "Golbez and Gilgamesh do it all the time."
Just then, the catchy and familiar theme for NCIS came on. Sephiroth immidiately turned his attention to the television.
"This one's good," Ultimecia remarked. "Have you seen it yet, Gabranth?"
"I can't say that I have..." was his only response before getting caught up in the show, despite it just starting.
"Then, this is what we shall watch."
-The next day, Harmony HQ-
"This is so boring! Is there really nothing on in the morning?!" Cecil yelled, throwing the remote down onto the couch.
"Cecil, calm down," Kain said. "You rented that movie last night. Why don't you watch that?"
"I already have. It wasn't half as good as the commercials made it seem."
"...I see. Well then, perhaps there's something else you could do?"
Cecil was about to reply when the Onion Knight came in. He finished stretching and stared at Cecil.
"How was your movie?"
"Horrible. A complete waste of gil." Cecil sat on the couch with a loud 'plop' and ceased to move.
"At least you didn't buy it." The Onion Knight smirked at Cecil's misfortune.
"... and that's when he swooped in and saved her from the vicious zombie plant." Tidus's voice came from the hall seconds before he did. Vaan followed close behind.
"Tidus, where did you find that book?" Vaan asked.
"In the library. Where else? Oh, morning, guys!"
"Good morning." Vaan turned his attention back to Tidus as they went into the kitchen. "Seriously, though. You choose the wierdest things you can find, don't you?"
"Not all the time." Tidus laughed and opened the freezer. "What the hell? No Eggos?"
"You ate them all, remember?" Cecil called from his spot on the couch.
"If Rosebud asks, I'm at the store, all right?"
"Don't stay too long. You know how he tends to get."
Tidus smiled then, before running out to the store.
Once he was there, he went straight to the frozen food section. A few minutes of looking, and he found what he wa looking for. There were plain, strawberry, chocolate chip, and blueberry. Seeing no real reason why he couldn't get all of them, he went ahead and got four boxes of each. He went to the counter, careful not to drop his food, and set them down in front of the moogle working there. The moogle ran them through.
"That'll be 160 gil, kupo."
Sighing, Tidus pulled the gil out of his pocket and put it down in front of the moogle.
"I was also told to get this to you, kupo."
The moogle held out a small vial, which Tidus took. He looked at the moogle, about to ask what it was, when the moogle spoke again.
"It came in a box, kupo. There was a note with it. It said it was for you, kupo."
"Thanks, I guess. So what is it? Some kind of bath supply?" Tidus examined the vial as he said this. He concluded that it was full of some kind of light red liquid- he refused to say it was pink.
"That's what the note said, kupo."
"All right. So how much for the-"
"It's a gift, kupo."
Tidus smiled and thanked the moogle again. He slipped the vial into his pocket so that he wouldn't lose it, picked up his bag, and left the store.
Once he got back to headquarters, he had a few hours before they all set off to look for a way to try and go home. The others had gotten back before him, and didn't seem too happy with his delay. The pained grimace on his face immediately set Firion into worried mode. He ran over, held him by the shoulders and looked into his eyes.
"Tidus, what happened? Where are you hurt?"
"I'm fine, Firion. Nothing I haven't felt before." Tidus smiled before frowning again. "I'm all sweaty, and need to take a bath."
"You didn't answer my question. You're not going until you've answered it."
Tidus sighed. He really hated it when Firion was persistent like this.
"Ran into a manikin of my dad. We got into a fight, and now my ass hurts. Good enough explanation for you?" Tidus walked past Firion's slightly shocked form and headed for the stairs.
"Um... Tidus?" Tidus turned back to look at Firion, who had looked back at him. "Why does your-"
"Let's just say that I didn't know that was possible. Not sure I wanted to find out, either."
Not willing to give any farther explanation, Tidus went up the stairs. There was a brief silence, then Cecil broke it.
"I knew he was Angela," he simply stated.
"Hm? No, he's still Tidus."
Cecil sighed. And Bartz's voice from right behind them startled the two.
"You realise that that's the twentieth thing Tidus has had sex with in the last two weeks?"
"What?" Firion was clearly shocked to hear this news- it was writtnen all over his face.
"He beat my record? That little slut!" Cecil yelled.
Firion and Bartz both stared at him.
"But, wait." Firion attempted to change the subject. "I thought manikins only existed for fighting. Why would one, especially one of his father,-"
"Tidus attracts strange things, Firion." Bartz interrupted. "There was also that mutant dog, and the octopus, and the giant bird, and the-"
"We don't need the entire list, Bartz. But are you sure it's twenty?" Firion was staring at Bartz in a way that made Bartz a bit nervous to answer.
He counted in his head before answering.
"Yeah. I'm sure."
Firion looked at Cecil, who still seemed quite angry.
"Cecil, what's got you so angry?"
When Cecil didn't say anything, Firion spoke agian.
"I know you like being the whore, Cecil, but -"
"I will not be upstaged by a whore with mutant lungs, Firion!"
"Mutant... lungs?" Firion could honestly say that he was confused.
"You ever notice how long that little bitch can stay underwater? Much longer than any normal person, I assure you."
Lightning came in then, gave the paladin a confused look, and went to the couch to catch up on her television-watching.
"Though, technically, Tidus still isn't as much of a whore as you are. I mean, it's not even people!" Bartz laughed at the end of his statement, stopping only when Firion glared at him. "Oh, come on. It's true. All of his lovers are monsters."
"That's still not something to be so amused about. This is a very sertious matter, Bartz, and-"
"Oh, come on. Lighten up. You know me. I laugh abiut almost everything."
"If you cut me off again, I will show you something you can't possibly laugh about."
The smile on Firion's face was one you'd expect to find on an angel. Bartz looked at Cecil in confusion. Cecil simply shrugged. A scratching noise came from the window, and Cecil turned to see what it was.
There, standing on the other side of the window, was Fudwick. That familiar wave of terror washed over him again, and he could barely talk when he turned slightly toward Firion.
"Firion. Do... Do garden gnomes usually move on their own?"
Firion lokoed at him before answering.
"No, not usually. Why?"
Not trusting his voice, Cecil ponted at the window. Firion turned to look, but Fudwick vanished into the fading sunset. Firion looked back at Cecil when he didn't see anything. Concern filled his eyes, and he gave the only advice he could think of.
"You should get some rest, Cecil."
Cecil sighed in defeat- he never could argue with Firion- and turned to go to bed. At the door to the room, he turned and bid the others goodnight. Firion and Bartz joined Lightning on the couch to watch a movie.