A large group of teens made their way across the Hogwarts grounds, from the Quidditch pitch. The Gryffindor Quidditch team had just finished practicing for their upcoming game with Hufflepuff and they all felt fairly confident about their chances at winning. Everyone on the team was eager to get back to the Great Hall for some dinner. Everyone except our favorite boy wizard.
"Come on Harry! Stop lagging behind, you'll miss dinner," yelled Harry's best friend Ron.
"I'll be there in a bit, I've got to polish my Firebolt," Harry replied as he hurried off to the broom shed.
"I swear, the amount of time he spends polishing that broom, almost makes you think he's in love with it," Ron commented to his sister Ginny as they left Harry behind and traversed up to the castle.
Harry walked slowly into the broom shed. He had been waiting all day for this moment, finally, to be alone with his Firebolt. He gingerly picked his broom up from its place in the shed. Carefully sitting down, he opened his Broom Care kit and began to polish his Firebolt.
Harry did this every day. And sometimes, he'd say what he thought his broom was thinking; expressing for it what it itself could not say.
"Oh Harry, you are the best. I love you so much. Please Harry-" Harry said in his 'broom' voice.
"No, Firebolt, my darling, it can never be," Harry sighed as he gazed at the wood of his broom; it was long, glistening, and hard.
"You're driving me mad Harry, you always ride me and caress me, but I want it to be my turn to ride you," Firebolt pleaded with Harry.
"People will try to tear us apart though, Firebolt, they won't understand our love!" Harry tried to reason with his beautiful broom.
"Then let us have at least one time together," Firebolt whispered.
Harry tried to reason with himself, tell himself that it wasn't right; they shouldn't be doing with this. But he couldn't resist his broom any longer, he wanted it and he couldn't deny it any longer. Harry slowly undid his pants and slipped them off. Bending over seductively he turned to his Firebolt. "I'm ready, baby," he said with his voice full of lust.
Harry picked up his Firebolt and caressed it down its long, hard wood. Then when neither of them could take the suspense any longer, Harry brought his broom around and sodomized himself with it. "I've waited so long for this!" Harry cried as his one and only love finally made sweet, sweet love to him.
The pleasure built, and built for them both, it seemed it would explode. Suddenly, just at the worst moment possible, Ginny walked in the broom shed's door. She stood there in horror, staring at Harry with a broom up his butt, Harry stared back, too shocked to move out of his compromising position.
"What are you doing?!" Ginny finally shouted when she regained her senses.
"Look Ginny, I could try and lie, but I'm done lying about who I really am. The truth is that I am in love with my broom. You can try telling me how crazy I am, but it won't help. I'm in love and I'm tired of denying it!" Harry said passionately as he and Firebolt adjusted themselves so they weren't in such a bad position. Now Harry sat, without pants on, with his arm around Firebolt.
Ginny blinked several times. "But- what?" she was too stunned for words.
"I'm sorry Ginny, but that's how it is, now if you excuse me, I'm going to put my pants on and go up to the castle for dinner," Harry said as he reached for his pants.
Ginny nodded and backed out of the broom shed slowly. That was, in fact, the most awkward moment in Ginny Weasley's life.
Harry quickly dressed. "I'm sorry my darling, I have to go. No, don't cry, it won't be for long," Harry gave Firebolt a quick kiss and ran off to the castle.
When Harry got to the Great Hall, it was already abuzz with what Ginny had seen.
"Did you hear? Harry's a Queer!" "More than a queer! He's downright LOONY!" "How is it even possible to sodomize yourself with a broom?" "Wouldn't that be awkward?" "He told Ginny he's in LOVE with it!" "It's the most ridiculous thing I've hear all year!" "I know some wizards are kinky, but-"
Harry ignored them and sat down next his best friends in the entire world, the two people he knew would stand by him through anything. "Hello mates!" Harry said cheerfully to Ron and Hermione.
"Harry, is it true?" Hermione asked as gently as she could.
"Course it's true!" Harry said as he dug into his mashed potatoes.
"Eeeuggh, that's gross Harry! How could you do something like that?" Ron said in disgust as his face turned a nice shade of green.
"Ron!"Hermione said dangerously.
"So what, Ron? So what, if you think it's gross! It's who I am and you better get used to it!" Harry said angrily, banging his fist on the table.
"I'm sorry, Harry, but we can't," Hermione said softly as she and Ron stood up from the table.
Harry stared at them in shock. "Do you know who I am?" Harry asked threateningly.
"Oh dear," Hermione muttered.
"I'm the BOY WHO LIVED! My parents are DEAD! I defeated VOLDEMORT when I was a BABY! I faced Voldemort in FIRST YEAR! I am the YOUNGEST seeker since MY DAD, WHO IS DEAD! I killed a BASILISK!" on and on and on, Harry rambled off every deed he'd ever done.
By the time Harry got to "I FOLDED your LAUNDRY yesterday, Ron!" the whole school was at attention, listening to Harry whine about who he was, and what he's done.
A soft cough came from the teacher's table. Dumbledore stood up, with his blue eyes sparkling, "Harry, would you please follow me to my office?" he asked Harry, who was just shouting about how he learned how to brush his teeth all by himself because his parents are dead.
"Of course, Professor," Harry said, glaring at Ron and Hermione as he followed Dumbledore out of the Great Hall and up to his office.
By the time Harry had reached Dumbledore's office he had calmed down a great bit and wasn't rambling off about himself any longer.
"Have a seat, Harry," Dumbledore said as he went around to the other side of the desk.
Harry sat down facing Dumbledore. "Yes, sir?" He asked in his best do-gooder voice.
"Harry, it's come to my attention that you've been having a sort of- affair, with your Quidditch broom," Dumbledore said as he cleaned his half-moon spectacles on his sleeve.
"Yes, I can't help it! I'm in love!" Harry sighed at the thought of Firebolt, all alone in the broom shed.
"This is normal Harry; I myself went through a three year phase where I was in love with a skillet named Samson. But, we eventually have to let them go, we're not the same. Now, I'm not telling you to break it off yet, but keep in mind, your friend's and school mates will not treat you kindly. They will brand you a freak and they'll call you 'Broom Fucker' for the rest of your life," Dumbledore said sadly, not wanting to crush Harry's dreams of true love.
"But, how can I deny who I am? I love Firebolt, with all my heart, I can't stand the thought of us being apart," Harry whined, getting dangerously close to telling Dumbledore who he was.
"I know Harry, but think, how will Firebolt be treated by the other brooms? How will you be able to go to parties together without getting punched? No one is going to accept Firebolt, she-" "Firebolt is a he," "My apologies, HE will be an outcast, in both your world and his. If you cut it off now you can save yourself some much un-needed grief," Dumbledore explained slowly.
"But, Ginny saw me with Firebolt, there's no way I'll be accepted by them anymore," Harry said sniffling.
"Well, Harry, this is where the Dark Lord comes in," Dumbledore winked.
In the Gryffindor common room, everyone sat in awe, listening to Harry's story.
"So, there I was, polishing my broom, when Voldemort walked in! 'I'm going to ruin your life, Harry!' he said. 'How is that possible? You already KILLED my PARENTS!' I told him. He laughed and all of a SUDDEN (!!) he performs the imperius curse on me and makes me fuck myself with my BROOM! He kept me under the spell until Dumbledore got me up to his office and was able to destroy the curse!"
"HURRAY!" yelled his house.
Harry regretted denying his love of Firebolt, but it ended up being the right choice, for his schoolmates were planning to burn them both at the stake.