The Third Peril
Disclaimer: This, the third installment of 'A Series of Queer Events' belongs to us. The characters and certain plot elements do not.
A/N: And here we are! The third installment
of A Series of Queer Events! We'd like to thank Gypsy Rosalie for reviewing last story THREE TIMES! Now, that's dedication! Plot Murderer #1 will now speak with the recap:
Howdy, fellers! As you know,
the Baudes and the Quags have been accused
of mass murder at Crapshack Manor. When Mr.
Poe came to check on them with his reindeer
sleigh, they escaped with him to who knows
where. The villains, Olaf, Esme, and
Carmelita, escaped on a snowmobile and sent
the good guys on the run.
Back to you, Plot Murderer #2.
Alright then, I've written Chapter One! Enjoy!
Chapter 1, Are We There Yet?
Lemony Snicket Land was known for brutal,
hellishly cold winters. And this winter was
especially so. It was the day after Christmas
and in the city of Dirty Bastard, everyone was
out going to the After-Christmas Sales.
Everybody that is, except for six people who
were flying above the city in a sleigh pulled by
reindeer.
The three Baudelaire children and the two
Quagmire children had been through quite
an ordeal the past few days, there had been
killings, betrayals, blood and cops. They had
become fugitives from the law. The three
Baudes were orphans. Their parents were killed
in a planned train wreck on the children's
first day of school. Since that day, they had
encountered their parents' murderer, the
wicked fop, Count Olaf, a tyrant who had tried
once to get their enormous fortune and
succeeded only in kidnapping the children's
new friends, the Quagmires.
The two Quags were also rich, but were not
orphans. They had tried to help the Baudes but
were snatched away and kept in a sewer for
days.
Each of these children had a talent and a
lover. I will list these stats now:
Violet Baudelaire
Age: 14
Talent: Inventing
Lover: Duncan Quagmire, Note: Has not yet
actually been racy to him or anything else
that would signify love-making
Tolerance: Very low
Klaus 'Chubs' Baudelaire
Age: 12
Talent: Researching
Lover: Isadora Quagmire, Note: Very
passionate, had sex in Count Olaf's office
Tolerance: Very high, Note: Tolerence is far
from high when one doesn't call him Chubs
Sunny Baudelaire
Age: 10 months
Talent: Biting, Note: Has four mutant sharp
teeth
Lover: Count Olaf, Note: They were apparently
very close. He betrayed her countless times and
she still wants him. Go figure
Tolerance: None, Note: Has been known to
scrape faces off
Duncan Quagmire
Age: 13
Talent: Journalism, Note: He never mentions
this talent due to the author's laziness
Lover: Violet Baudelaire
Tolerance: Limitless
Isadora Quagmire
Age: 13
Talent: Poet
Lover: Klaus 'Chubs' Baudelaire
Tolerance: Regulated , Note: Can get pissed if
you touch Chubs
Arthur Poe
Age: 500
Talent: Banker: Coughs a lot, if that's a talent
Lover: Wife of which you all purposefully know
very little about
Tolerance: Boundless, Note: He's very boring
Anywho, these people were on the run. Well,
not Mr. Poe, the police just thought that the
kids had kidnapped him.
"Mr. Poe?" piped up Violet, saying the first word
in a day, "Where are we going, anyway?"
"Ah! I was wondering when you'd ask that!"
said Mr. Poe before breaking into another of
his random coughing fits, "If you would look
below us, you will see that we are in Dirty
Bastard!"
The kids did look down and the Baudes were
pleased to see that they were in their home
town. "By Jove!" exclaimed Chubs, "It has been
such a long time since I have seen our home
turf!" "Beedebe!" said Sunny, which meant, in
her baby language, "I'm not that happy. I
hated living here! It's much more fun being a
wanted murderer!"
"So," began Violet, "are we going back to our
mansion?" to which Mr. Poe replied, "What?
Heavens, no! It was demolished anyway!"
"WHAT?" gasped all the Baudes. "There,
there," said Duncan, patting Violet on the
back, "things haven't gone all down south
yet!" "Why was it demolished?" asked Isadora.
"Some Japanese company bought the land and
is going to build a crane factory where your
house used to be."
"So where are we going?" asked Violet. "To my
secret, Poe Cave!" exclaimed Mr. Poe excitedly,
"It's on the other side of town from here. There,
we will be safe from the police. I also have
bowls and bowls of my special Poe Custard!"
The children weren't exactly pleased to find
out where they were going. Then again, they
also weren't pleased when they fell out of the
sky. Here's what happened: in the streets below
them, a group of Dirty Bastard's Board of
Security spotted the reindeer sleigh. "Holy
Guacamole!" exclaimed Chief of the Guard,
Wimbeldon Sausagepot, "There's a sleigh with
flying reindeer up there! Dirty Bastard is
under attack! Shoot them down!"
And that's just what the guards did. Suddenly
a hail of active grenades surrounded Mr. Poe's
sleigh. "What the hell is going on?"
screamed Violet as the entire back end of the
sleigh was lit aflame and several of the flying
reindeer died disgustingly hidous deaths,
"Well," Chubs began to explain, shouting so
that he could be heard over the explosions,
"clearly, someone on the ground doesn't like
us, and we're going to pay for it with our lives.
Hold me, Isadora!" Isaodora complied and
wrapped her arms around her chubby wubby
Chubsy.
Finally, the sleigh was so severely damaged
and so many reindeer were dead that they all
began to fall, crashing down towards the
streets below.
"
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
!" screamed the
falling heroes.
"
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
!" screamed the
people on the street, as they saw the flaming
projectile coming down towards them.
And then, of course, the falling ones hit the
street right in the way of an oncoming taxi.
"Ohhh!" groaned Sunny, as she crawled out of
the flaming wreckage. What she said meant,
"That was horrible. How are we even alive?"
"Does that matter?" asked Violet as she and
the others scrambled out as well, pulling with
them the last scorched remains of their
luggage. From the driver's window of the taxi
that I mentioned earlier, a little Chinese kid
with a Yankees baseball cap looked out saying,
"Wow! Holy smoke! Crash landing!"
"Movie Reference!" said Sunny. The passenger
door of the taxi opened and a woman looked
out. This woman was wearing a black garbage
bag and had her hair all grizzled where it
was frizzled; she called to the children and
the fatass, "Baudelaires! Quagmires! Fat
Coughing Guy! Come into my magical taxi
of dreams and wonders!"
"Let's not go inside." Said Duncan worriedly,
"Please?" said the woman, "I have candy and
a puppy!" "Well, that settles everything!" said
Chubs, getting to his feet, "We're going in
there!"
Reluctantly, the others followed him into the
taxi where the crazy lady sat, "Wait one
measly minute!" shouted Chubs in a voice of
extreme ferocity, "There's no candy in here!
Nor is there a puppy! What the hell do you
think you're playing at?"
The crazy lady though ignored him, saying to
the kid-driver, "Short Round, step on it!"
"Okey-dokie Crazy Lady and company, hold
on to your potatoes!" With that, he swung his
cap around to the back of his head. "For
crying out loud, there's a kid driving the car!"
realized Isadora. Just then, the kid put his
pedal to the metal and the taxi began its
journey along the roads of Dirty Bastard.
"So," began Mr. Poe to the Crazy Lady, "who
exactly, are you?" "My name is Kit Snicket. I
believe the Baudelaires met my brother."
"Indeed we did," said Chubs, "Jacques, you
mean?" "Yes."
"He's dead you know."
"I know."
"Part of me wants to laugh at you because of
it."
"You're a Dirty Bastard."
"Isn't that the name of this city?"
"ARGHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Chubs glowered as he won his comeback
contest.
"Anyway," Kit continued, "I'm picking you up
because of your parents. And your parents too,
Quagmires."
"Our parents?" asked the two Quags, "Yes,"
replied Kit, "you see, both the Baude and the
Quag parents served in a secret organization
called ZYK."
There was a sudden hushed silence as shock
descended on the kids. This silence was broken
by Sunny singing, 'Secret Agent Man' at the top
of her lungs, this meant, "Awesome! That
means I can be the female James Bond!"
"What do those letters mean?" asked Violet, to
which Kit replied, "I can't tell you, it's
essential to the plot that you don't know. What
I can tell you, though, is why you're here. I'm
taking you to the Hotel Plot Twist, on the Ritzy
side of the city. Once there, you will be
provided with your full mission."
"Wait," said Isadora slowly, "if our parents
were in this secret organization, then where
are they now?" "That," said Kit, "is the mystery
that we're trying to solve."
COMPLETE SILENCE AS…
THE CURTAIN FALLS
A/N: How'd you like that? Try figuring out what ZYK stands for! As a matter of fact, I should start trying to figure that our as well. The reason that we've kept the Quag parents alive will be figured starting in this story. And of course, Mr. Poe is going to do some awesome things in the course of this story. But, you'll have to wait till next week.
Update Coming Next Friday!:)