Author's Note: Ok so this is my first oneshot:) It's a bit sad and does contain triggers. If the mentioning, action, or description of self-harm will set off your depression please do not read this.
Ok. I better not get any crap in the reviews about the fact that there is self-harm in this story. Remember: You've been warned!
Thank you so much for reading! Please review! It means so much to an author when we get reviews, so please!
R&R!
-Jilly
There was a faint whir, a click, and then a spark. An orange flame flickered to life at the end of the lighter. It flashed dangerously as it cast its glow around the dimly lit toilet and caused the walls to come alive with shadows.
Dan stared thoughtfully at his reflection in the mirror that hung above the sink. The writhing luminescence that danced across his face caused the lines that had formed from his furrowed eyebrows to appear deeper. He considered that maybe his inner feelings of fatigue had finally worked their way onto the surface of his skin, but he eventually shoved the thought aside. It must have been a trick of the light that made him look as if he had aged a decade overnight.
He gripped the lighter that he held tighter and took a shaky breath. He wondered vaguely if it was possible that the flame was sucking all the oxygen from the tiny bathroom before he mentally berated himself. It was not the lighter that was making it hard to breathe, it was the goddamn depression that had wrapped itself around him. The sadness suffocated him daily and made him feel so weak. His only respite came with the tiny temptress that he held in his hand. The lighter was the only thing that made him feel strong.
With the lighter in his hand, Dan was in control. He could punish himself for feeling so weak all the time and for thinking thoughts that he knew he shouldn't be allowed to think.
He cleared his head. He wasn't about to let his thoughts head in that direction again.
He rolled up his sleeve and glanced at the array of markings that adorned his forearm. The most recent one had started to lose that constant sting that he had come to rely on and he hastily lowered the lighter, eager to create another blemish to add to his collection.
Dan watched with a sort of morbid fascination as the seductive flame lapped at his skin. He hissed at the sensation.
Hush.
His skin reddened as the fire licked at his older burn marks. His hand shook but he held the lighter in place. He needed this. He deserved this. He shouldn't be allowed to love someone who would never love him back. Tears welled in his eyes.
Hush. Hush.
The flame caressed, kissed, and sucked. It bit into him, forming a blister, like an angry lovebite atop the remnants of his old wounds. But Dan didn't mind. The flame was the only one who would ever show him any affection. He would never get it from the person he wanted the most. The tears began to fall.
Hush. Hush. Hush-
"Dan? What the hell do you think you are doing?"
The flame went out and the lighter clattered to the floor. He hastily shoved his sleeve down before turning to face Phil who was standing in the doorway.
"Phil, I-" he stopped. He didn't know what to say. Dan squinted through the hot tears and looked at Phil, seeing the accusations in his eyes.
The object of his sorrow, pain, and love had just caught him burning himself and Dan didn't know what to say. For the first time, Dan didn't feel relieved after burning. Instead he felt suffocated again, but this time it was guilt rather than sadness that restricted his breathing.
"Dan?" Phil whimpered as he bent down to pick the lighter off the bathroom tile. "What were you doing with this?"
"N-Nothing." Dan lied through his teeth. "I was gonna have a smoke."
"We both know that is a lie. You don't smoke. You think it's disgusting."
Dan hesitated. "I changed my mind."
Phil stepped closer and grabbed Dan's arm. He yanked up the sleeve on his jumper to reveal the large red blister and the scars left from old burns. Despite the roughness of the gesture, Dan still felt a ripple of pleasure when Phil's skin came in contact with his own.
"You did this to yourself." Phil muttered.
It wasn't a question and Dan saw no way out of the situation. His secret was out and his scars were no longer hidden. There was nothing more he could do. He nodded his head and offered a tired and resigned, "Yes."
They stood facing each other in silence for a moment. Dan searched Phil's face for a reaction. Would it be Anger? Confusion? Sadness?
He wasn't sure.
Then Phil's expression twitched. His eyes flashed up to meet Dan's for a moment. Slowly, he set the lighter on the counter by the sink, then spun on his heels and walked out the door.
Dan crumpled to the floor and curled up into a ball on the cool tile floor. He clamped his hands over his mouth to stifle the sound of the sobs that wracked his body, but made no move to wipe away the tears that were streaming down his face. He hadn't known what to expect from Phil, but he had been sure that he would have cared enough to intervene instead of leaving him on the bathroom floor with the lighter still on the counter beside him.
Dan had been self-harming, and practically begging for someone to save him from himself, and Phil hadn't cared. He had been indifferent.
Dan loved Phil. He loved Phil more than anything in the entire world and Phil didn't give a flying fuck whether Dan burned himself until he was blistered beyond recognition.
A sob escaped through his fingers and the sound reverberated off the walls sounding more like a garbled choke.
Suffocating.
He crawled over towards the counter and searched blindly for the lighter. Eventually, Dan's fingers came into contact with the familiar metal and he snatched it up, already craving the relief that came with the dull throb of the burning. His fingers fumbled with the lighter. They were heavy and numb and couldn't seem to work properly. Eventually, he heard the familiar whir, click, and spark.
Phil.
Dan was gay for Phil
Dan loved Phil.
But he could never tell him.
Phil wouldn't love him back.
Phil.
Then the flame was against his skin again. It blistered, burned, and stung. The tears fell harder.
Hush. Hush. Hush. Hush-
"Dan. Put it down."
The lighter clattered to the floor for the second time that day. And for the second time, Dan looked into Phil's eyes. This time they were a raging sea of emotions, each feeling threatening to overpower the next. Phil crouched down so that he was sitting beside Dan.
"I'm sorry that I left you here all alone." Phil muttered. "I had to get this from my room." He pulled a blue lighter from his pocket and turned it over in his fingers. Phil pulled up his own sleeve to reveal his own network of burns and scars. He traced their outlines with his finger tiredly before looking back up to meet Dan's gaze. "I used to burn myself when I was in high school. You know I wasn't a very popular kid..." He trailed off. "Sometimes it helped to burn. For me, it seemed like a way to get relief from everything that was going wrong in my life, but it wasn't really relief. A couple sessions of therapy taught me that and eventually I got better. I haven't burned since, but I've kept the lighter."
Dan stared blankly at Phil.
"Dan? Do you want to get better?"
No. He didn't want to get better. He wanted to keep punishing himself for feeling the way he did. He needed to keep hurting. So he lied. "Yes. I want to get better."
"Then I'll help you get help." He picked up the Dan's lighter and popped the lid on the trashcan in the corner of the bathroom and threw both his and Dan's lighter in. "After all, that's what friends do."
Friends.
That's all they'd ever be. Dan squeezed his eyes shut to stop the new wave of tears that threatened to spill over. Phil pulled him into a hug and Dan whimpered into the embrace.
Dan tugged Phil closer and kept crying into Phil's shoulder, his breath hot on Phil's neck. He knew he didn't deserve Phil. He shouldn't be allowed to even love him, and for that Dan believed that he should be punished.
He would dig through the waste bin to find his lighter later, but for now, Dan wanted to hold the boy he loved.
Even if the boy would never love him back.
"Hush."
Author's Note: I have a thing for sad oneshots:) They're my favorite so I just had to write one! Please REVEIW! And check out my other phan story "Unrequited" :)
-Jilly