The Secret
DISCLAIMER: I don't own a thing, everything is with their rightful owners, no money is made of this.
It was hard to pinpoint when exactly Remus's secret was discovered. Perhaps when Remus started to get tangled in his own elaborate lies, when the others found the first continuity errors. Maybe it happened when Sirius stumbled across the moon calendar in Remus's bedside drawer, or when James woke up one night and thought he could hear a distant howling.
The problem was, Remus concluded one foggy morning as he dragged himself back to his dormitory, that he had befriended the two smartest boys in the entire school. Peter was not the problem - he was naive, he could be fooled. But James and Sirius-
He hated lying to his friends, the best, the only friends he'd ever had, but Remus simply couldn't bear the idea of them looking at him the way others had when they had found out. He knew it was cowardly, but he couldn't help it - he was so happy, and he couldn't risk this precious feeling. It was too much to ask. He'd been so lonely for so long and he never wanted to feel that way again.
.
"You look dead on your feet, mate," James said and shoved a steaming cup of tea towards Remus with a sympathetic grin when he, two days after the full moon, had finally found the strength to leave his bed.
"Yeah, that's pretty much how I feel," he muttered and gave his best to return James's smile.
"How's your mum?" Peter asked quietly.
With a jolt of his stomach, Remus caught Sirius and James simultaneously rolling their eyes at the question. They knew.
He suddenly felt very cold. He tried to conceal his shaking hands by gripping his spoon very tightly and tucking in like his life depended on it, even though he felt more sick with every spoonful.
They knew.
He barely noticed the encouraging pat on his shoulder one of his friends gave him when they got up. Throughout the day, Remus sat motionlessly on his chair, staring ahead blindly, not taking notes, barely even listening. Even the teachers noticed - the only time he woke up was when McGonagall planted herself right in front of his desk.
"Mr Lupin. Lupin, I'm talking to you!"
"Yes," he stuttered, startled, and looked up at her anxiously. "Sorry, Professor. What was the question?"
She sighed. "Mr Black, I'm afraid your poor work attitude is starting to rub off on Mr Lupin."
Sirius, his chair tipped back and his desk demonstratively lacking notes, parchment or even his textbook, threw her a tired look and gave back languidly: "Apologies, Professor. Didn't do it on purpose."
"The incantation, Mr Lupin," McGonagall demanded.
"Um… Fera… Fera Verto?" Remus stammered.
She gave a curt nod, the dissatisfied line around her mouth still not quite gone, and divided them into pairs. Remus was relieved to end up with James, a Transfiguration genius if ever there was one. Usually he was paired with Peter and while both James and Sirius were done within seconds, Peter ended up blowing up whatever they were working with, set it on fire or transformed it into the wrong thing.
He stared at the desk, far too absent-minded to transform his mouse correctly. From time to time, he threw James a stealthy look (or at least he hoped to be stealthy), trying to figure out what he knew.
His friend, having transformed the mouse at the first try, of course, threw him a smile - just as encouraging as he'd been this morning. Did Remus really look that bad or did he suspect what he'd been through two nights ago?
What worried the young werewolf even more, though, was the way Sirius was looking at him - or rather, not looking at him. Yes, Sirius, loyal to the core, would probably be less shocked about the fact Remus was a werewolf and more about the fact he'd lied to them. And now he seemed very cross with Remus.
They knew.
Remus clutched his wand and stared at the table top.
.
It was almost ten when he came back from the library, his essays all done, even though he doubted he'd written anything sensible. When he found all three of them sitting on Sirius's bed, the one next to Remus's, he realised that something bad was upon him.
"Sit down, Remus," Sirius ordered, his tone unusually serious.
"What's this, an interrogation?" Remus gave back aggressively as he sat down on his bed, feeling cornered.
"No need. It would be an interrogation if we wanted to know something."
"But?"
"We know already," James answered, his tone much calmer than his best friend's.
Remus felt the muscles around his jaw tighten, but he didn't say anything.
"We're not stupid, you know," James went on, slight hurt in his voice now. "If you disappear every month at the full moon and come back in the morning all scratched and bruised, we're bound to figure it out eventually."
"Well, Peter would have kept on swallowing your lies, I suppose," Sirius added drily.
Peter threw him a look, but didn't fight back. He never did.
Remus remained silent - what was there to say, anyway? There was no way to defend himself - he was a werewolf and he had lied to them.
"How old were you? When you were bitten, I mean?" James asked quietly.
"Five," Remus answered, staring at his feet. "My father had insulted him - his name's Fenrir Greyback. I suppose he wanted to kill me, but well… he didn't."
"You could have told us!" Sirius blurted out angrily.
"Yeah. Because that's such a good idea," Remus bit back, still not looking up. "Oh hey, by the way, if I should ever vanish at night, I'm off to turn into a monster that kills everything in its path."
"That's not an-"
"Give him a break, mate," James muttered.
"No, why would I? We're supposed to be his friends and it's been almost two years and he tells us rubbish about his mother being ill and what not!"
"Yes, you're my friends. But would you be my friends if I'd told you?"
"Yes!" The answer came without hesitation from all three.
Remus's gaze finally left his battered shoes. "Seriously?" he asked softly.
"Yes," James gave back, Peter nodded and Sirius shrugged. "'s not like it's your fault."
A warm, fuzzy feeling spread out in his stomach and his fingers, clenched to a fist all day, finally relaxed.
"You've got a bloody low opinion of us, Remus," Sirius muttered.
Remus shrugged and ran his hands through his brown hair. "It's got nothing to do with low opinion, it's just… I never met anyone who didn't mind. I mean I'm... dangerous."
James grinned. "Sorry mate, it's just… doesn't make much impression if you say it like that."
"It's serious, James," Remus answered sharply. "I mean it. If anyone ever comes across me, I'd probably kill them. I'm not myself, I don't even remember it afterwards, what I do in those nights… there's nothing. Except for the things I've wrecked."
"We've read about werewolves, Remus, we're not stupid," Sirius gave back. "Why do you think we never followed you to the very end?"
"You followed me?" Remus repeated incredulously. "You knew… knew what I am and you followed me?" He was on his feet before he knew it. "Are you insane?"
"Whoa, calm down," Sirius said, raising his hands. "We just wanted to know where they're taking you."
"You- I could have killed you. You're bloody second-years, do you really think you could take on a werewolf-"
"Keep your voice down," James interrupted sharply, but Remus went on like he hadn't heard.
"How do you think I would have felt, if I'd come to my senses and I'd… I'd killed one of you?"
The three shrank a little, even Sirius had the decency to look ashamed.
"Promise me you won't do that again," Remus ordered quietly. "Not ever."
They nodded and Remus sat down on his bed again. "Thank you," he added in a whisper, facing the red velvet curtain.
"For what?"
"For not looking at me like I was disgusting."
"Yeah, sometimes I'm not too sure about disgusting," Sirius said, and went on, trying to mimic his friend rather unsuccessfully: "Professor, I think my essay is too long, and I know we were supposed to hand it in tomorrow but I'm already finished…"
James and Peter burst out laughing and a grin spread on Remus's lips.
"Shut up, Sirius."
"Oh no, James, don't do that, Professor Dumbledore said we're not allowed in the forest-"
Remus grabbed his pillow and threw it after Sirius, missed though and hit James instead who promptly reached for his wand and sent Sirius's pillow flying towards him.
Sirius, howling with laughter, let Peter's pillow follow and went on: "Sirius, stop that, that's against the rules, we'll be in trouble…"
"Shut up," Remus repeated, trying to sound angry, which was sort of ruined by the laughter fighting his way through his voice.
Five minute later, pillows, robes, socks, books and a Gryffindor scarf were soaring through the air.
And Remus was convinced that people like James and Sirius ought not be granted a wand for their own safety (James had accidentally transformed Peter's alarm clock into a porcupine that went rampaging through their dormitory and Sirius tried to help, but did even more damage because he was laughing so much) and that, clearly, he had the best friends in the world.
If you enjoyed this story, have a look at "Of Train Rides, Making Friends and the Founding of Rome", "Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs", "Friendly Advice" and "Eulogy" on my profile as well!
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