A/N: New Years resolution: start writing again.

I'm sorry for a few things. 1. This is going to start out depressing. 2. I cannot guarantee that updates will be regular. 3. Apparently, I decided that Renji is not capable of retaining consciousness.

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach. Tite Kubo does. I just toy with the characters a bit.

Renji Abarai felt like he was suffocating. It wasn't an unfamiliar feeling these days, and he had discovered a simple way to treat it. Simple, but destructive.

After a few days, the blade began to discolor, the blood staining what was once shining metal. He only vaguely remembered how he had started this ritual, running this dirty knife across a thigh, under his arms, places that no one would readily notice.

It had started with that suffocation, the feeling that his chest was being compressed a bit too tightly. The red-head couldn't recall how long he had dealt with it, just the day he had decided to seek some advice from possibly one of the worte beings to ask, yet one of the only ones he could trust with his thoughts. Zabimaru.

Renji fidgeted where he sat, Zanpakuto nestled in his lap, and breathing deeply before closing his eyes and entering his inner world. He imagined deep forests of green, the thick wall of trees broken by a clearing in which the brush turned to sand underfoot before leading to the clear water of a large spring. Falls splashed against sharp rocks on the opposite side of the glittering water, creating foam and churning the mud. Renji opened his eyes to find himself in that place he had imagined, the nue he had come to see standing on a rock beside him.

"What do you need?" the baboon asked.

Renji paused for a moment, trying to gather his racing thoughts. What was he supposed to say?

"Never mind that!" the snake head chimed in before its master could organize the questions racing through his head. "We know why you're here."

"Do you?" the lieutenant sighed in relief. Maybe he didn't have to ask. The nue nodded, turning to direct Renji's attention to the sky.

"You are full of inner turmoil," she said, and it was true. His skies have never looked so grey, so cloudy and dim. The water of his spring rose and fell mercilessly, as if a giant beast were thrashing about below the surface. Renji shivered from the chill. His forest was usually so much warmer, too.

"It's all because of him, isn't it?" Snakey hissed, snapping at the air. The tattooed man nodded, knowing full well who he was.

Byakuya Kuchiki. Captain, noble, cold, beautiful, irresistible, and utterly unreachable.

Renji could feel his heart wrench at the thought. As if falling in love with a superior wasn't bad enough, it just had to be him.

"We can give you no advice except what you do not want to hear," the baboon sighed. "Either confront him or drop this silly game entirely. We do not need such distractions."

"I can't just drop it!" Renji cried out, burying his face in his hands. "And I can't face him. I'm less than dirt compared to Byakuya. A stray dog. Nothin' more."

"Quit bein' a baby!" the serpent sneered. "Man up, and tell the bastard how ya feel!"

I knew this was a bad idea, Renji thought, closing his eyes and tearing himself away from thick green foliage and returning to his small apartment.

Zabimaru vibrated in his hands, slipping through his fingers and slicing into his arm. The blade clattered to the floor and the shinigami reached for his damaged apendage as his sword took form beside him, shedding the image of the nue for that of the woman and child.

Renji barely noticed the intruders as he focused on the blood running across his flesh. His mind went blank as a rush of endorphins swam to his head, numbing the pain and banishing all thoughts of his amorous feelings for his captain.

"If you are less than dirt," Chimpette murmured, taking Renji by the arm and smearing the blood with her fingers. Her master looked up at her as his vision grew foggy and her image began to blur. "Then why is it that you're blood is the same scarlet red as your holier-than thou Taichou?"

It was then that everything went dark.

Renji didn't do it to feel the pain. He did it to allow those endorphins to rush through his body, erasing the conflict from his head. Only then could he go through his day with a measure of confidence around Byakuya.

The knife sliced through his skin again, lacerating the flesh from his inner thigh. He needed to keep these marks hidden while they healed. Renji had no clue how he would explain them to anyone who managed to catch a glimpse of them, so he had been careful that it would never happen. Who was going to see such an intimate place?

"You're being ridiculous."

The red-head closed his eyes to focus on the wounds he caused himself, ignoring the familiar voice of his Zanpakuto standing before him.

"He's not going to listen," the serpent child scoffed.

"Renji, you cut too deeply this time," the deep voice of the woman remarked, doing nothing to hide the worry in her tone.

Shit. Renji grimaced when he realized that she was right. The blood flowed freely down his leg, dripping in a small pool at his feet. This was going to hurt a bit during the day, but it was nothing that he couldn't handle. After all, he had been through much worse. Doing his best to staunch the bleeding, the lieutenant bandaged up his thigh before leaving to begin his workday.

"I told ya he wasn't going to listen," Snakey said as the door to Renji's apartment closed.

"This might be all my fault," Chimpette replied. "I should never have cut him that day. I thought I was making a point, but I just made things worse."

"Of course it's all your fault!" the child cut in, lashing out at the older woman.

"I have an idea on how to fix this," she said, holding her chin in her hand in thought, "but it's not going to be easy."

"Oh?"

"I think it's time we gave Sen a visit."

Renji felt uncomfortable. No matter how he shifted in his seat, the sharp pain in his leg made him aware of the deep wounds he had carved into his thigh. The blood seeped through the bandage, making his flesh feel sticky and wet. He only hoped that it would not soak through to his clothing.

"Abarai?"

The sixth division lieutenant flinched. "Y-yes, Taichou?"

Byakuya stared back at him, brush poised over an unsigned form, with his usual stone expression. "Are you alright? You seem to be quite fidgety."

"Er, yeah, I'm good," Renji replied, shifting his weight and holding back a sharp hiss of pain as he nudged one of the deeper cuts. "Jus' a little antsy is all."

The noble seemed to contemplate something for a moment before setting his brush aside and standing. "Perhaps it might be beneficial if we sparred. It has been a while, and I believe you need to get out of the office, lest you wear out the furniture with your restlessness."

Oh, shit, Renji gulped. A sparring match was not what he wanted right now. The pain in his leg was going to affect his reaction time and even his flash step, but he couldn't just say no when it was in his nature to accept the offer without any thought. Even now, he could feel Byakuya's eyes on him, waiting patiently for the answer he expected.

"Yeah, sure thing, Taichou," the tattooed man managed with a forced grin.

"Not good," Renji murmured to himself as he held Zabimaru in front of him. Byakuya had not even drawn his sword yet, but the larger man was already trying not to panic.

Stop this. You don't have to go through with this with your injuries, Zabimaru implored from in his head.

And what am I supposed to say? I did this to myself? And my Taichou might be the cause? Renji snapped, grasping the hilt tighter.

Yes! That's exactly what you should say!

I-I can't, Zabimaru's master flinched at the defeated sound of his own voice in his head. It wasn't like him to let the way he felt hold him back. It used to be that his emotions would drive him forward, even if the goal seemed. . . unobtainable. The stoic man standing before him didn't feel simply unobtainable to Renji. Byakuya was the moon.

And I am the dirt. Not even worthy of being the monkey that stands to admire such a beautiful force.

There was silence in his inner world for a moment. Silence that was soon broken by Zabimaru's two heads speaking in unison.

Forgive us for this, Renji.

The redhead had no time to think on those words before Byakuya whispered the phrase of his sword's release and a flurry of pink petals rained down upon him. Renji lifted his sword, calling out Zabimaru's name to release his Shikai and block the impending blades, but Zabimaru didn't change. The sword in his hand remained a sword, though it suddenly felt heavier. Renji's eyes grew wide as he felt the first few petals rip into his arms. Blood began to drip down to his fingertips and the volatile lieutenant fell to his knees. He looked up as the clouds of pink finally dissipated, revealing his dark-haired captain, brows slightly knit together in worry as he walked towards his injured subordinate.

We're sorry, was the last thing he heard before the world went dark.

"Ni-sama!"

Byakuya looked up from where he stood in the fourth division infirmary. Shinigami shuffled around him as if it was odd for such a high standing officer to be standing in the waiting room. According to the surprised look on Rukia's face, it may well have been.

"I wasn't expecting to see you here."

Byakuya nodded, not entirely sure how to explain his presence. He wasn't even positive that he knew what happened out on the training grounds. It was as if his lieutenant had just given up. Even so, he felt that he was partially to blame for Renji's injuries, and he meant to assure himself that the man was alright.

Accepting her brother's silence, Rukia slide into place beside him, trying not to fidget as they both waited for the verdict on the red-head's health.

It wasn't long before they were approached by Unohana herself. "Good evening," she said with a smile. "You two are here for the sixth division Fuku-taichou, am I correct?"

"Y-yes," the short Kuchiki answered. Byakuya just frowned. The fact that Unohana had taken charge of Renji's care did not bode well.

"There is something, perhaps a bit personal for Renji, that I must discuss with you two. I am assuming that you are closest to him?"

"Yes," the raven-haired man answered automatically, falling into step behind his fellow captain as she led them down the hall.

"I am afraid that the wounds from the accident during training were not the only injuries that Abarai Fuku-taichou was suffering from," Unohana explained as she ushered them into a room, that smile still gracing her features. Renji lay unconscious on the bed in the middle of the room, and Byakuya found himself relieved to discover that his breath was coming out in deep, even puffs as if he were merely sleeping. Rukia immediately placed herself at his bedside, slipping a large, calloused hand into her own.

"What do you mean they were not the only injuries?" the noble questioned, eyes never leaving his subordinate. Renji seemed to be perfectly fine aside from being unconscious.

"Well, the injuries he suffered from Senbonzakura were superficial and would not have caused him to lose consciousness, but while we were healing him, we discovered a few. . . self-inflicted wounds on his inner thighs." By the time she had finished explaining, the female captain's smile had disappeared, and was replaced by a motherly concern.

Byakuya remained silent, confused by her meaning. Self-inflicted? That didn't make any sense.

"Are you saying that. . . he cut himself?" Rukia finally spoke up, her expression fluctuating between concern over her best friend and anger that he would do something so stupid.

"Yes, I am saying exactly that," Unohana replied, her voice sympathetic. "It seems as if he had been doing it for a while. There are some scars from previous incidents, and it is also a possibility that the object that he used was not clean as there is a serious infection spreading from the most recent wounds. We were not able to fully close these lacerations, lest we miss some of the infection and trap it inside his leg. Even after that is dealt with, and the wounds closed, there will be some visible scarring."

"Such things are of no concern to me," Byakuya cut in, keeping his voice low and calm. "What does concern me is why my Fuku-taichou did this to himself."

"That is something else that we need to discuss," the medic smiled once more. "Due to the special circumstances, we cannot discharge Abarai until he is placed in the care of someone who would be able to help him get through whatever it is that has been troubling him to this extent. I had hoped Rukia Kuchiki would be the one to take him in."

"I-I can't," the petite shinigami said, looking away dejectedly. "I'm scheduled to return to Karakura town tomorrow. It would take a while to send in the request forms for a replacement, and by then I would already be there."

Rukia squeezed the rough hand in hers tightly, glancing back at her oldest friend's still body. She brushed a lock of red out of Renji's face, and Byakuya did not miss the sadness in her eyes.

In a way, this is your fault, a muffled voice echoed in his head.

Had you pulled back when I had urged you to, this would not have happened, Senbonzakura, the pale captain replied, remembering the sad sight of his subordinate allowing the flurry of petals to come at him, the slight feeling of betrayal as his sword ripped through Renji's skin and clothing despite the commands from his master calling him back. There is no excuse for your insubordination.

In time, I hope that you will realize that that is not what I mean when I say that this is your fault.

Byakuya quirked an eyebrow, questioning his Zanpakuto's meaning, but he received no answer. Finally bringing himself back to the conversation with Rukia and Unohana, the noble made a decision.

"I will care for him."