*a few people have asked me for this and i had some time today so here you are*
Complications of the Heart
When the doctor came he said my Dad would be fine.
Fine…
Interesting word.
A few minutes ago I felt my world crashing down.
Now Amy was here and I was lost, trying not to fall.
"That's good right?" She asked.
"Yeah," I said, dazed. She was still with me, still next to me. I didn't know what to do.
Her hand was in mine and half her body was touching mine. She'd eliminated all space and she was practically holding me.
Despite everything else, it felt good.
"So… We'll just wait then?"
"I guess so," I said, feeling her body and how it pressed into mine. As soon as I said it I felt her hand push up into my hair and pull my head gently over to rest on her shoulder. She was leading me into her lovingly, inviting me. I let my arm slide in around her waist, my eyes falling into the crook of her neck as I let myself hug her as she wanted me to.
"It's gonna be okay," she said, solidly. She was holding me so tight.
I didn't want to move.
I cried a little but mostly out of confusion. I wished we were at home on a bed. Her home, my home, anywhere really that wasn't an uncomfortable hospital chair.
I must've been silent too long and scared her. Next thing I knew she was talking.
"I was with Felix just now. He was trying to get me to talk about you but I couldn't."
"Why?"
Why was she telling me this? I didn't want to know who she was having fun with. I didn't want to know who she was happy with.
"It's too real," she said, choked. "Losing you. What's happening…"
I hugged her tighter and felt as the tears came quicker. Just when I thought I couldn't cry any more.
"I'm still here," I said. I was a shitty friend but I was still here. I wasn't planning on leaving. I wasn't planning on doing anything other than knowing I loved her too much and I probably always would.
"You are," she stuttered in a breath. "But it's… It's not the same," she said, breaking me.
"Amy…" I couldn't talk about this right now. My dad could be dying…
"I'm sorry, I know. Shit timing," she said.
I laughed a little.
"I don't want you to be sorry," I said, moving my lips up to the place where my eyes were on her neck and kissing her carefully. I tasted my own tears on her soft addicting skin. "You're a wonderful person," I said, letting my eyes fall back down.
I felt her tense a bit and let out a pained exhale.
"You're not supposed to do that," she said.
"I wanted to," I confessed.
"Okay," she said, accepting it.
We waited a long time like that. She rubbed my back and kissed my forehead on and off.
I just let her touch me. I loved the way she touched me.
When she kissed my forehead I would sigh and rub her stomach, non-verbally telling her it was okay to do that, it was all okay.
We must've spent a whole hour on that bench before my Mom even came.
Amy would tighten her arm around my back and listen to the way I felt her. She'd kiss my forehead and listen to the way that I sighed.
I touched her neck with my hand and held myself to her, wanting her to know it was okay to touch me this way.
God, I missed her touching me. She hadn't touched me this much since before we faked anything. We used to be like this a lot. It used to be normal, the way she held me, the way I sighed.
"You feel so good," I said. "I wish I was the one dying."
She stiffened.
"What do you mean?" She asked.
"This is the happiest I've felt since you left," I confessed. This was all I ever wanted. This is what we used to have.
"I don't want you to die," she said.
I was silent for a second.
It hadn't been the best of years.
"Karma," she said, squeezing me. "Look at me."
I wiggled a little and pushed on her collarbone to sit up and see.
"I love you," she said, searching my eyes. "I love you more than I've ever loved another person, more than I probably will ever love anyone… If you die… I die," she said definitively.
I swallowed a bit of fear down and moved to rest my forehead against hers.
"I'd kiss you right now but I don't want you to disappear," I confessed. I closed my eyes and let myself feel her instead. She moved a hand to my neck and brushed her thumb over my skin lovingly.
My mom came rushing in and I instantly pulled away.
"Karma?! Karma?!"
"Mom!" I jumped up and went to her.
"Is he?"
"Mom! Stop," I said, pulling her in for a hug. "He's under observation. They think he'll be fine."
"I need to see him," she said, moving out of my arms and to the desk.
I stood there, barely strong enough, in the middle of the room. I was shaking. When did that happen?
I felt the room as I hovered inside it. It was spinning somehow. There'd been too much.
I felt a hand on my back, it instantly stabilized me.
"I gotcha," it was Amy.
Her hand slid to my side and her body came up next to mine, touching mine. She was helping me stand.
I didn't deserve to look at her though, to feel her. I didn't deserve all her love. She was better than me, stronger.
"I should go home," I said, knowing it.
"I'm not leaving you," she urged.
"Amy," I looked up at her and felt how pained I was. I shook my head back and forth, asking her, please no.
"I'm not leaving you," she said, eyes wider.
That made me cry even more.
She moved to take me away. I looked back, my mom was being led to my dad.
I just let Amy pull me, let her hold me.
She helped me inside of her car and shut me in.
When she got in, she sighed loudly and turned her car on.
Instantly, the sound of my voice filled up the space.
"Shit," she said, pressing a button quickly to try and change it.
I stopped her hand.
"It's okay," I said. I wondered why she'd been listening to me though.
They were older tracks, really old. I'd done a few covers for her right before high school. These were them.
"Where'd you even find this?" I asked, as she drove on in silence.
"I keep everything," she said.
"Why were you listening to this today?"
That was the more important question, the one I shouldn't ask.
"I was missing you," she sniffed.
When I looked up at her I saw her strong and staring out at the road. Her eyes were glazed and she'd cried too back there, I could see that now.
I moved in the car to lay against her. I took her free hand and held it while she drove.
This was why I didn't want her to stay. I didn't deserve to get to love her.
We were silent the whole ride.
I rubbed my hand in and out of hers slowly. The whole time, I was feeling the heat and the softness. Her hand was so familiar. It used to be mine…
When we got to my house she parked.
"Wait," she said, getting out carefully and shutting the door sort of slow.
I watched her walk around to my door and open it.
She leaned over me and unbuckled my belt.
"I'm not damaged," I said, touching her arm to make her stop since she was close.
"Yes you are," she said, looking at me. She handed the belt from her one hand to the other. I felt her right hand trail down my arm all the way to my hand as she took it again. "Come on," she said, leading me up.
I followed, unsure.
Once I stood, her arm was around me again.
"Why're you being nice to me?" I asked, wanting her to stop for her own good.
"Shhhh," she said, stopping us at my front door and using her key to let us in.
It was still on her ring. I noticed that most.
Once we got in the door it was dark inside like no one had been home. She pushed my body back on the wall. I felt her hand at my neck and then her lips touching mine as she kissed me sweetly. Her body pressed into me. Her other hand pushed on my stomach. When she kissed me I felt my nerves sparking everywhere, my mouth opening wider, wanting it, wanting her. She was taking me out of myself, pulling all my bullshit away.
When she broke the kiss she pulled back and stared back at me.
"I'm not being nice," she said, shaking her head. I felt my heart fall and then jump to catch up. She never kissed me like that. It was so powerful. I wanted it memorized.
We were in the entrance hall of my house in the dark. No one was home. My dad had just had a heart-attack, Shane had just hurt me, and I'd just spent a tortured hour or so feeling how much I fucking loved the touch of her, her sounds, the way she cared for me, the way she was.
"Be mean," I said, lifting my chin up as I tried to catch her eyes and keep them with me. I wanted her to take from me. I wanted her to use me, even hurt me if she wanted. I deserved whatever it was she wanted to do.
"Okay," she said, her hand moving from my neck into my hair and tugging as her lips hit down again and she kissed me harder, her tongue shoving into my mouth and taking. The way she handled me scared me a little bit but she was keeping me and I liked that so it would do.
I couldn't breathe, she kissed me so hard.
After a moment she pulled my head back by my hair and my eyes opened as I looked at her. "Fuck," I said, eyes flaring. I was trying to stay conscious with her but it was hard when she kissed me like that.
"Do you like kissing me?" She asked, knowing.
I nodded my head feeling that both of my hands were on her shirt. I'd been pulling the fabric toward me during the kiss. I felt that. I'd done that.
She noticed something in my eyes. I saw instant remorse in hers.
Her hand loosened in my hair.
"I don't want to be mean," she said.
"That's okay," I sighed, feeling like an asshole. Her hands dropped off of me. I didn't want that. She was mad at herself, giving up.
I followed her backward until she fell slightly onto the opposite wall and I trapped her.
"I miss you," I said, searching her, pained.
She was watching me but not understanding. I pressed into her just like she had done to me.
When I kissed her, I kissed her with all the longing and sadness I'd been feeling for so many months while she was away. I felt all my love for her coming out.
Her hands were delicate now, scared to touch, and I could hear her whimper in my mouth just as I had done only moments before.
"I love you," I said, tortured by the truth and the pleasure as I moved to kiss her again. Her hands moved back up into my hair and she tugged lovingly now instead of violently, I felt her trying to keep me there kissing her. I wanted to stay.
We were slow but filled with purpose. We'd both been dreaming about this.
Amy's hands slipped down my back and rest just above my ass, I felt her tug me forward slightly, my body aroused so obviously. Her touching at the hospital had done that, not this. This was just extra, the push off the cliff.
I wanted her. I knew it now.
"What are we doing?" She asked, as I kissed down her neck and felt greedy. I wanted her hands on me. I wanted everything she could give.
"I miss you," I reminded, moving back up to her lips and reminding her again.
Her hands moved up on my skin and felt me. I gasped in her mouth and she moved her hands to push me away.
"I don't want to hurt you," she said.
"You're not," I shook my head, not understanding.
"You're vulnerable right now," she said.
I laughed and fell into her body.
It was grossly funny.
"When am I not vulnerable?" I asked, letting out a sigh and moving my hand beneath her shirt so that I could touch her skin and feel her stomach with my palm, my fingers, and my thumb.
"True," she said, swallowing.
"If you don't want to, that's okay," I said, trying to see what it was. "That's why I didn't want you to come home with me."
"Why?" She asked.
"I knew I wanted to touch you," I said, looking up at her truthfully, pained. That's all I wanted. I wanted her holding me. I wanted her comforting me. The physical, I longed for it. I'd been longing. I was vulnerable right now but I'd been vulnerable with her for over a year.
She was quiet a second and I felt her hands fall off of me.
I stepped back from her and let my body rest on the opposing wall as I stared.
"What are we doing?" She asked again, frustrated.
"I don't know," I said, honestly. What were we ever doing? When had we ever made sense?
She sunk down the wall and folded herself up.
I sunk down onto my knees and crawled over to her, holding her wrists in my hands but letting her be how she wanted to be.
"You can't use me," she said.
"What?" I gasped, hands falling from hers as I backed away.
"I can't let you use me," she cried. "You're just sad and you want someone."
"That's not true at all," I said. "I want you."
She looked up at me, tears streaking.
"What?" She asked, eyes darting to the side as if maybe someone would be over there.
"You make me feel good, Amy… Other people don't, they can't."
"But you don't love me?"
"Of course I love you," I said, all my air leaving me. I just didn't know what that meant.
"If I let you love me and you leave me I won't survive it," she said.
That's what I'd been trying to survive this whole time.
"You did that to me," I reminded. "I let you love me and you left."
"No," she laughed, frustrated. "This is different."
"Baby, it's not," I said, feeling anger and sadness, feeling right. We'd always loved each other strongly. This was the same. This was exactly the same.
Her lips pursed and she laughed lightly, dropping her head.
"What?" I asked.
"You called me, Baby," she noticed.
"Oh," I said, realizing. "Sorry," I said.
"No," she said, shaking her head. "No, I liked it."
I rest my head on her knees and leaned into her.
"You don't have to stay," I reminded.
She pushed me up and started to stand.
I looked up at her, lost. Her hand came near my face and she pushed her fingers up in the air, urging me to give her my hand.
Once I took her hand she pulled me up.
I followed her, letting her lead me to my room.
When we got inside she shut the door and locked it and I knew that meant she was staying. My heart skipped a beat and it sped further on as I stood in the room.
"We don't have to do anything," I said.
"I want to do something," she said solemnly, walking back over to me and pushing my jacket off slowly as she watched it fall and took in my arms.
"Okay," I said, trying to be ready. I wasn't ready. I hadn't even gotten use to her kisses but I couldn't say. I wasn't used to feeling so much. If I said, I'd fuck things up and she was touching me now and I wanted her touching me.
Her hands moved to the hem of my skirt.
I wanted to say something, stop maybe…
I stiffened and held it in.
She moved down my body and onto her knees. My head spun as I felt her hands slide down my back and stop at my ass. She pulled my body into her face, her face level with my center.
I let out a small strange sound as I felt my center contract and ease up. My hands were too scared to touch her, too scared to give any warning or cue.
When I looked down though, she was just hugging me, hugging my body.
She was so precious just there. I let out a relieved noise and I let my hands fall down onto her hair and lovingly sink into the strands as I tugged and felt her there. Her face had been turned to the side. I took in a shaky shattered breath. How could I ever be scared?
All Amy ever did with me was love. I was the lucky one. She chose me.
Her hands moved and I loosened mine, unsure of how to be.
She leaned back and looked up at me. I felt her fingers sliding along the top of my skirt as her thumbs pushed in on my button and I heard the sound of my zipper coming down.
She stared up at me the whole time, eyes locked on mine. I couldn't move. I swallowed and tried to breathe. All I could do was stare back.
I felt her hands tugging my skirt down and off. She jerked my body a few times and watched as I gasped and nearly shattered, allowing her to pull me and move me, do what she wanted. She used to undress me all the time but this was different.
When she moved to stand she pushed my body back and I felt her hand catch me and lead me down.
Next thing I knew she was kissing me, really kissing. She filled up my mouth and stole my breath, drowning me, savoring me, and panting all the while, while she struggled and felt too much.
I felt my hand in her hair at the back of her head, asking her to stay and keep touching.
She made me weepy, more sensitive. I felt I could break.
My other hand touched the skin of her side and I could feel her breathing inside.
Mostly I felt like I was swimming. Like she was there and we were swimming together, only it felt wonderful, like we didn't need to breathe, like we knew we were going somewhere, like we knew this was life and we had to do this together, we got to, we got the chance.
I was smiling, head spinning, stomach twitching. When her body pushed into my center I stiffened and whined. She broke me out from our ecstasy.
My hands went quickly down to her hips to stop her. But I didn't push hard. It was a sign, just a sign. A reaction. I was silently asking her: please be careful; please wait.
"Sorry," she said, pulling back and looking down on me.
I shook my head: no. Unlike before. I knew now, I didn't want her apologizing to me.
I moved my hands back up to her neck to pull her down to kiss me again. It wasn't hard. I just wanted her to know it was okay and I wanted her too.
As she came down into me my chin moved up. I arched my back, locking my legs behind her back to keep her.
"Just be careful," I whispered as I held her body close. "You're not like anybody else. I'm weak with you."
She gasped as she accidentally pushed into me and made me feel so many things.
It was almost sick how different this felt than all the other things I had done. I'd done so many obscene things but this felt sexual, this felt strong.
I wished she was naked but maybe if we were still in clothes this wouldn't end quick. I just wanted to hold her, I wanted her to kiss me and love me.
As she kissed me a bit deeper, she pushed into me again, dragging her body slightly over mine, rubbing my front and my center as I held her in my arms, in a hug. Sensation nearly shattered me. With her, it really was too much.
"Shit," I let out, neck tight, head back. I felt too much with her.
"Can we get up a little bit?" I asked. She'd been half off the bed, pushing into me because of the position. I knew if we were all on the bed it wouldn't debilitate me as much.
"Sure," she said, moving onto her side and moving up with me.
Once we were up she looked down on me openly, I stared right back.
She lifted my head and put a pillow behind it. I laughed a small laugh. "Some day, huh?"
"Some day," she said, looking down at me like she hadn't looked in so very long. I felt her hand on my cheek. The way she stared, I knew I was everything.
"Come 'ere," I said, leading her back in to kiss me. When she fell I got lost again in a good way.
Her body moved back onto mine and I wanted her there.
She couldn't push as much, at least not by accident like she'd been doing.
She played with me, testing me, kissing me soft and then hard, pulling away a bit and noticing how I reached for her, wanted her.
After a while I felt her smiling as she took her time.
When her hands slid down to my breasts I gasped, scared again.
She pulled back. "Sorry," she said again.
I shook my head: no.
Nothing with us ever changed.
I loved us like this.
I pet her skin beneath her shirt as she continued to kiss me and love me. She couldn't know how good she felt. She couldn't know.
My chest might explode, that's how good.
She was here with me. She was mine.
I held her hand between my breasts, keeping it as she kissed me again.
I knew I was weeping. It might be stupid, I didn't care.
She pushed my hair back and moved up, pushing into me on accident. I felt the sparks behind my eyes as my chin tilted up and pleasure flooded my entire body from toes to head.
She stopped kissing me and leaned over onto her elbow to look down on me.
"What?" I asked, once I saw.
She had this sleepy open sort of smile.
"You just feel so good," she said, a little mad about that.
I scoffed a small nervous laugh and blinked a few times. It was hard to just look at her now. I'd spent so many days trying not to.
"It's hard to explain what it feels like when I'm touching you," she vocalized.
"It's home," I said simply. To me that wasn't hard. Amy had always been my home.
"Yeah," she sighed, eyes squinting a bit as her forehead scrunched.
I rolled over onto my side and pushed her until she laid back so I could hug myself onto her.
Her arms encircled me and she squeezed. I felt her lips in my hair and heard her kiss me.
"You're everything," I whispered, knowing it deep within.
I didn't think I'd ever have to say it. All this time, I really thought she knew.
I guess I was wrong.
"I know," she said, calming me instantly, she rubbed my bare back with her soft strong hands.
I didn't care what we were as long as we loved each other. I missed this. I missed her.
"I think you forgot," I said.
She couldn't of left if she hadn't forgot.
"I just got scared," she said. "Scared I was losing you."
"You pushed me away," I said. I wasn't talking about the summer, I was talking about before. She'd been pushing me away ever since she began having feelings.
"I thought it'd be better."
"It wasn't," I said. It wasn't for me. I couldn't tell if she liked all the things she did. If she liked Reagan, liked Felix, liked the summer away all those other people she met. All I knew was she wasn't mine anymore when she left me and she'd spent a long time leaving me on my own.
"I didn't have much of a choice."
"I wasn't trying to chase you away," I said sadly.
"I know," she said, anger biting her.
"I guess it was just too complicated for you to stay," I said, letting it breathe. It was the truth I had known. The truth I never wanted to see.
"I didn't want you to think I couldn't be your friend."
"You weren't being my friend," I said plainly. My friend wouldn't be able to have those thoughts about me.
"I guess not," she said, swallowing.
Her hands fell to the bed and I felt sad.
"Please touch me," I pushed. If we couldn't be friends, we could be lovers.
"I keep wanting to ask you what we're doing," she said.
"Why do we have to talk about that?"
"It's important Karma. I need to know if when I leave this will all just be something that happened and will never happen again."
"I want it to happen again," I said, moving my chin up onto her skin as I looked up at her. "I want you in my life. I want to love you. I want you to love me."
We'd always done those things. Those things had always been ours. They'd changed over the last year. We'd lost each other. Everything changed.
"It just doesn't feel healthy," Amy said. "Sometimes you want to love me and sometimes you don't."
"I always want to love you," I said. "Loving you different is just dangerous."
I was unhealthy.
I couldn't answer that. It wasn't a question but I couldn't answer to it. She was right, I was unhealthy. I was mentally unwell. I'd caused her a lot of pain with my confusion and my games. All because I didn't know who I was. I still don't...
"I'm sorry," I said, hating that it was true.
"If you can't, you can't. I'll find a way to survive it but it's been so hard without you," I huffed out. I don't think she understood how much it had all hurt. There were days when I didn't move at all.
Her hands came back up onto my skin and she rubbed me again.
"Maybe we should just sleep," she said. "Talk about it tomorrow. See where we are."
"I'll be just the same," I said, knowing it.
Tomorrow my dad could be gone.
Tomorrow I could die.
Tomorrow Amy could die.
Anything could happen.
I hated to think…
Amy kicked her feet a little bit and her hands moved off of me. Soon I felt the blanket coming up over us, she was tucking us in.
"I love you," I said. If that's all she'd get from tonight that's all that mattered. We'd already gone months alone. It would be what it would be. I had no control anymore. She was in charge and I had to allow her to be.
"I love you too," she said, holding my face to her with her hand and kissing my forehead.
We'd just sleep and that was good.
I let my head stay on her chest and listened to her heart beat beneath my ear. My hands couldn't help feeling her sides and touching her beneath her shirt. She let me play but she kept me there.
I needed the contact. I sighed and breathed, feeling safe for the first time in so long.
At some point I really did fall to sleep.
When I woke we were only slightly moved. I was on my back and Amy was cuddled up to me in my arms. As soon as I felt her, my hands moved to rub her again and feel her.
She was everything…
I heard her let out a sigh and come to wake.
She sat up and pushed off of me, looking around at the room.
"Shit," she said, stretching. "Guess we fell asleep."
"Guess so," I said, watching her.
She moved back to my headboard and sat back against it, waiting.
I knew I had to do something, to show her nothing changed. I wasn't drunk last night. I wasn't taken over by thoughts of my dad. What happened between us had been about us.
I crawled over her body and straddled her, touching my hands to her sides as I did.
I got so close I knew it frightened her. When my eyes hit hers I could see that she was nervous and unsure.
"I wasn't drunk last night," I said, drinking in her expression.
"Okay," she said, swallowing.
"I wasn't lying to you," I said, searching her for recognition. I wanted her to tell me she knew.
"Uh-huh," she said, trying her best to be open.
"Fine," I said, realizing I'd have to show her instead of talk. I used my hands to hold her face as I pulled her in and kissed her.
Her hands came down to my hips and she pushed my body down into hers, I felt the pleasure shoot up through my body and fill me as I gasped and had to stop.
Her smile dragged past my cheek as she pulled me in to hug me and laugh.
"Fine," she said back, holding me tight.
I didn't know what it meant. I just knew it was okay.
"Will you date me?" I asked. It was so strange to ask. I didn't know how else to put a label on us and she wanted to know what we were.
She pushed my hair back from my face and kissed me back, leaning her upper-body forward and holding mine as she led my center in to push onto hers.
"Fuck," I gasped, not ready for how good it felt.
"I think we're far beyond dating," Amy teased huskily. She had me eating it up. She didn't even have to try.
"Okay," I panted, overwhelmed by her touch as my hands grasped onto her. "What would you call it then?"
"I dunno," she said, kissing me again moving her hips to rub into my center again and see what it did.
My head tilt back and my whole body clenched in the feel. "Will you love me?" I asked, eyes barely able to stay open through the pleasure as I stared at her.
"I can do that," she said, watching me, thirsty.
She pulled me back up and let me fall over her and kiss her again.
I whimpered while she kissed me. She couldn't know how sensitive I was.
"I'm so happy," I gasped, feeling her move beneath me and pull me right to rub me against her while I spoke.
"We should check on your dad," she said, moving my hips forward with both of her hands.
"You're right," I gasped, not wanting to. If something happened I'd hate myself. Yet I still couldn't bring myself to move.
"Come on," she said, pushing me back as she kissed me with a bit of passion and moved her body forward to push me all the way onto my back as she kissed my neck.
My hands moved up into her hair but she pulled away slow and moved to grab my phone of the nightstand and give it to me.
"Moment of truth," she said, watching me try and be strong.
I opened my messages and checked. There were a string of them but the very last was my mom saying they stayed overnight for observation and they'd be coming home soon, that was at 7:40am.
"So?" Amy asked, watching me.
"They're coming home," I said. That meant it was okay.
"That's good," she smiled, happiness present.
"It is," I said.
"So why aren't you smiling?" She asked.
"I dunno," I said. Life had been too confusing for too long now it seemed.
"Awww," Amy said, crawling back down ontop of me and petting my face.
"I don't want you to leave," I said.
"Okay," she said seriously. "I can stay, I'll just text my mom."
"Okay," I sighed, relief hitting me.
I wondered if it'd always be like this now. Would I always have a mini panic-attack every time she left my sight?
"You're serious today," Amy noticed.
"I've been serious," I said. She may not have known but I'd been dark all summer, trying to pretend to be someone else.
That was serious.
It was all complications of the heart…
"I wonder if I can fix that," she said, thinking about it.
She moved down to my neck and played at biting me. I felt her hand come to my side and tickle. My own hands were too slow, she had me laughing long before I could find the strength to push her off.
When she stopped my face hurt.
"It had to be done," she said all cocky.
"Right," I said, still having a hard time finding the space to smile.
She looked at me, knowing…
"We'll get through this," she said.
It wasn't about my dad. I knew it wasn't.
"I know," I said back.
When she leaned down to kiss me I pulled her in and felt weak again but happy for her. Accepting love from her now made me weep.
She pushed her hands into mine and trapped me beneath her on the bed.
"I don't think you can ever love me enough," I said, worried.
"I will," she said, kissing up my neck and then whispering sweetly. "You'll see."
"Okay," I gasped, hoping it could be.
She was right though… I was damaged...