Title: Diary of A True Lezbro
Rating: PG-13, for language
Word Count: 1660
Characters/Pairings: puck, quinn/rachel, mentions santana/brittany, implied sam/kurt
Disclaimer: characters belong to fox and ryan murphy and co.
Spoilers: quinn and puck hooked up once, quinn's mom kicked her dad out, and sam exists. otherwise it's au.
A/N: this is what happens when i wake up at 6am for no reason and i start thinking about things, leading me to write fics that kind of relate to things happening in my life because i'd rather make fictional characters deal with my shit than me having to do it. from puck's pov. au where quinn never got pregnant, and alot of the events of season 1 didn't happen. no beth, no rachel/finn, no rachel/puck, no quinn/puck, no quinn/finn, no shelby or jesse.
So Q asked Berry to be her girlfriend last night. Berry said yes, cause what idiot's gonna turn down Quinn fucking Fabray when she wants to be with them. I mean shit, just cause we aren't a thing anymore doesn't mean I'm blind. Girl's fucking gorgeous. Not that Berry's a slouch or anything. She's got her own thing going. But Q, man, she just might be the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Don't tell her I said that, though. Makes it sound like I'm into her or something. Which I'm not. All of that's a long time ago. She's my best friend though, and now she's got a girl, and it's making me think. I can't talk to Sam or Finn about this, and Santana doesn't do feelings unless Brittany's involved. Q is the one I would usually go to, but I can't talk to her about this, so I guess this will have to do. Who'd have thought, me, Noah Puckerman, writing in a fucking diary like a fucking middle school girl. Oh well. Here goes.
So like I said, Q's my girl. Not like that. She's my partner in crime, my broski, my best friend. It's been just the two of us for a while, hanging out and picking up chicks and stuff. We had a thing once, but it was never gonna be some big epic romance. It was back when I was still kind of a douchebag. We'd been dating for a couple weeks and we went to this party and she had one too many wine coolers and so I took her home and we ended up doing it. it was a mistake though and shouldn't have happened, but I guess it was good cause it helped her realize that she was a huge homo. We broke up like 3 days later. It took her a little while to get over all that super religious shit her dad was always preaching, but once her mom kicked him out for having an affair with some chick with a lot of tattoos she relaxed a lot, and she finally admitted that she was totally into chicks. Which, of course, I knew already, cause I'm awesome like that I saw it coming a mile away. We were always friends and I always had her back, but after that we started hanging out a lot more and she became like my closest bro, and then I developed actual feelings for her, and not like the regular ones I get like I wanted to bang her. I mean she's fine as hell, but she's a lesbian, and my broski, and I respected that. We started wingmanning each other, and shit, we made fucking awesome team. She seemed to have a thing for tiny brunettes, which was cool with me cause they all reminded me too much of Berry anyway, who I felt weird going after even though she's a smoking hot Jew and we would've been totally fucking hot together. I kinda got the feeling that Q had like some secret repressed crush or something on her, so I stayed away. Eventually she got over herself and admitted she totally wanted in Berry's skirt, and they started hooking up. I was so proud of her when she told me she nailed Berry, man. For someone who wore such short skirts, that chick was uptight when it came to sex. She was one of those girls who wanted it to be all special and shit. I guess she just couldn't resist Q's charm. Not that I can blame her. Not only is Q wicked hot, but girl's got serious game. Like, better than me. I'd never admit that to her though.
That was like a month ago. Q's been talking about making it official, but she wasn't sure if it was the right time. I guess she changed her mind, cause here we are. Berry is officially Q's girl. Q said they aren't telling everyone yet, but they fail at subtlety and they kinda always look like they wanna tear each other's clothes off so I'm sure everyone will know in a few days. She never really asked how I felt about the whole thing, which I guess she didn't have to, it's her life not mine, but I've been thinking about it anyway.
It's kinda weird, to be honest. I mean it's been just me and Q for so long that it's strange to think that I can't be picking out girls for her anymore when we go out. It's weird to think that there's someone else in her life that she might go to talk to besides me. Honestly, I'm a little jealous. Not cause I want Berry or anything, but like, Q's my fucking best friend. I don't wanna lose her to some girl. I don't really wanna share. She's mine. I like it that way. I don't want that to change.
It's not like I can't get girls if I want them, I mean come on, I'm the fucking Puckasaurus man. Chicks love me. But none of them mean anything. I'm not saying I need to be all in love and shit like Q and Berry or even like Santana and Britt, I just wouldn't mind coming home to the same girl every night, you know? Sleeping around is fun and all, but it gets old. Man, I hope the guys never hear me say that, it would totally kill my rep, but it's true. The bad boy thing is cool, but it gets lonely. I was ok for a while cause I always had Q by my side, but she's got Berry now. She doesn't need me in the same way, and I'm left alone.
She promised me things wouldn't change, that we'd still be bros and hang out and play video games and do all the shit we used to do, but I don't know. How can it be the same? She's got a girlfriend now. She can't pick up chicks, or stay out till whenever, or get shitfaced and do something stupid, or go on spontaneous adventures at 3am just cause we feel like it. She has someone to check in with, someone to stop in and say goodnight to, someone to cuddle with when we hang out and watch movies (not that I'm a big cuddler or anything, it's just the principle of the matter), someone whose opinion matters above everyone else's, maybe even more than mine.
Fuck it. I don't like this. I'm happy for her and Berry, I really am. Berry's a cool chick when she relaxes a little, which she has been since she and Q started hooking up. Q is good for her, and she makes Q happier than I've seen her in a long time, so I'm happy for them. As long as Q is happy I'm happy. But that doesn't change the part of me that resents Berry for taking my best friend away from me. I'd never say it out loud, fuck no. I'd sound like a whiny little bitch and Q would roll her eyes at me and tell be to grow some fucking balls and get over myself. Which I should do. It's just, I don't know. Q means a lot to me, and I don't wanna lose her. I need to sit down with Berry and have the official Best Friend chat with her. You know, the one where I tell her that if she hurts even a single hair on Q's head I'll kick her ass so hard she won't be able to sit for a month. Well, I can't hit a girl, so I'd probably get Santana to so the actual ass kicking, but I'd make sure it happened. Girl needs to know the consequences of messing with Puckzilla's bro. That shit won't fly with me. You hurt her, you answer to me. Simple as that.
Q stopped by to tell me they were official in person, which was nice of her I guess. She came straight from Berry's though and her hair was a little messed up, so they probably had like yay-we're-official celebratory sex for an hour or something first. Fucking lesbians. They're always horny. I swear they're worse than some of the guys on the team. They sneak off during class to go fuck in empty classrooms or the janitor's closet or the bathroom or under the bleachers, really anywhere they can find. They're like fucking rabbits, those two. San and Britt aren't much better. They're so damn sneaky about it too, like you don't even notice they're gone till they're walking back with their hair just a little messed up and these satisfied, shit-eating grins on their faces. At least when Sam and Kurt disappear you know what they're doing. With the girls you never know if they're really going to the bathroom of if they're leaving for a quickie. Shit, man. Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian, then I'd understand all this girl crap like feelings and shit without feeling like such a pussy. But then I remember that I'm Noah fucking Puckerman, the greatest lezbro in fucking Ohio, shit, probably in the whole fucking country, and I feel a little better.
Maybe Q and Berry will let me watch cause they feel bad for me. Q may be practically my sister, but fuck it, the two of them are hot together. I might have feelings and shit, but at the end of the day, I'm still a dude. An awesome, fucking badass dude, but still a dude. And as a dude, no matter how bad I feel, it can almost always be fixed by some hot, live, girl-on-girl action.
Still kinda bummed though. Damn this sensitive side. Feelings suck. At least chicks dig it. Fuck. I need to blow some shit up. Where's my Xbox controller, I need to play some Halo. Peace out yo.