First Contact

"You know, Julian," Dax paused and looked at her colleague, "when you came into ops the other day talking about who sat next to you, I was half expecting you to say, 'That Cardassian guy I've been ogling for the last week.'"

A small pool of tea formed on the table, and Julian, failing to breathe and swallow at the same time, coughed and sputtered a few times. He regained his composure quickly and raised an eyebrow in an attempt to look indignant. "What do you mean? I haven't been 'ogling' anyone!"

Dax smiled. "Then perhaps you would care to explain to me what you meant when you said your 'relationship' had gotten 'a bit out of hand.'"

Julian met her eyes and sighed in resignation. "There is no hiding from you, is there, Jadzia?"

Dax put her hand on his, leaning over slightly. "Tell me all about it," she said encouragingly. Julian's face assumed a vexed expression. "Well, there is not really much to tell," he began at last. "He wanted me to drop by his shop – to buy a suit as he said – and I thought he wanted to give me an opportunity to overhear a conversation between him and those Klingons. Turns out that was not all he wanted…" He raised his teacup to hide his face, but still Dax was able to perceive him blushing. "So you had your wild 'frontier experience'? Encounters with unknown species? First hand knowledge of…" She broke off. A pair of hazel eyes was glaring at her. "I think we should end this conversation. Now."Julian was getting up, preparing to leave rapidly. She gently tugged his sleeve, trying to pull him down again. "Julian, I care for you a great deal. And if you are in love, that's OK with me. Even if you're not sure if it's OK with yourself."

She had hit right on target. Julian slumped back into his chair. "It's not that I mind force – domination -…" he stared into nothingness, "it's… what bothers me is that I actually found myself enjoying it."

"Enjoying what?" Dax mustered her co-worker, wondering what exactly he was hinting at.

Julian breathed out slowly. "Being pinned against the wall. Being powerless. Being… well… forced…"

Dax put down her cup. "Maybe that's because you were forced to do something you wanted to do anyway?"

"But that's exactly what I'm not sure about. I cannot with any seriousness 'want' to be in a relationship with someone who's a Cardassian, very probably a spy, and God knows what else… someone I know nothing about, and do not want to know anything about in the first place!"

"Who mentioned relationships?" Dax's face was innocence itself. Instead of a reply, Julian only gave her a long, hard, thoughtful glance. Her expression fell.

"So it's not as easy as that."

"Jadzia, I really need to get going."

Julian left a slightly bemused Dax in the Replimat opposite an empty cup. As he wasn't on duty, he headed straight for his quarters. He needed time on his own – he had only reluctantly agreed on meeting Jadzia in the Replimat because the thought of having to face Garak was making him cringe. He couldn't believe how much this affected him, and he could have cursed himself for it. He had thought of himself as being in control of himself and every situation that might come his way. And now some reptilian had to come along and threaten his self-esteem.

He reached his quarters and exhaled deeply as he sealed the door. He stretched out on his bed, crossed his arms behind his head and closed his eyes. Try as he might, images of last night's incident forced themselves upon his imagination. Garak's arms pressing his wrists against a wall. Gerak's mouth forcing his own open. His ultimate surrender to the Cardassian's touches. Grey fingers seeking out his body. Tongues meeting. The heat of the room, and the astonishing coldness of Garak's skin. His own senses and powers finally kicking in. A struggle. Hurried leave.

"He would have done it," Julian said to himself. "He would have done it if I hadn't found my senses in time." He couldn't figure out how to feel about that.

He had tried to tell Sisko that things were getting out of his control, but the Commander had not caught on. Julian grinned in frustration as he remembered the phrase: "Sometimes communications cannot be conducted through official channels." Like hell they can't, he thought. Guess what I was trying to do. He didn't want people talking behind his back. He knew Dax had not just made a blind guess, but with her he could still put it down to the experience of eight lifetimes. Eight lifetimes seemed ample time to learn which signs to look for and how to read them.

Whichever way he turned, the fact remained: He would have to face the Cardassian again. But before that, he would have to give a thought to what he really wanted. At the moment, he felt trapped, for it seemed that he could only have Garak at the cost of knowing nothing about him. And as Dax had remarked, things were not that easy. Julian had never felt comfortable with one night stands. Especially with a person he might run into any given time, it had never seemed an option to him. Truth be told though, he had not offered Garak serious resistance.

With a heavy sigh, he picked himself up, straightened his back, and began to make his way to Garak's shop.

The tailor's establishment was not very busy, so the tailor couldn't help noticing Julian right after he had crossed the threshold. His face brightened, but Julian was unable to say if he was the cause or if it was just Garak's usual business courtesy. The merchant glided towards him. "Good day to you, Doctor. How very kind of you to honour me with your presence. Can I be of any assistance to you?"

'No official channels', Julian thought. His fists were clenched. He tried looking at the Cardassian directly. Garak was still smiling his unfathomable smile at him, expecting a reply. Julian cleared his throat. "Garak, can I speak to you? In private?"

Suddenly Garak's face was very close to his. "Yes you can. 2045. Here." He turned around to a customer. "And how are you today? What can I do for you?"

At exactly 2045, a clean-shaven Julian kneaded his hands in front of Garak's shop. When the door opened, the tailor greeted him warmly, stretching out his arms. "Doctor! How nice…" Julian raised his right hand as a stop sign. "Garak. Not this time. Son't be playing your games with me. We need to talk." If this had any effect on the Cardassian, he was very successful in hiding it. Julian looked around for somewhere to sit, but all he could see were a couple of cushions and a tiny raised platform with two cups and a bowl. Garak gestured in the direction of that arrangement, and Julian reluctantly sat down.

"Garak, we need to talk. About what happened last night."

"Really, Doctor. Why are you asuming this grave expression when you want to talk about two stupid Klingons?"

Julian rolled his eyes. "Garak, please! I meant what happened between you and me. We need to talk about that. About… us."

"There is a transition in your speech, Doctor," the Cardassian looked surprised, "first you speak of "you and me", and in the next sentence it's "us". What is the significance in that, I wonder?"

"I'll tell you what the significence in that is - if you will actually let me talk and not take apart every word I utter!" Julian felt his face was becoming hot. "Don't make this more difficult than it already is for me. Please."

Garak cocked his head and nodded invitingly. Julian, seeing his path clear, relaxed and took several deep breaths before he felt ready to speak.

"Garak, I really like you. And I liked what happened last night. But… if this is to continue – and I'd like that too – I need to know more about you. The truth, Garak. I need the truth."

The Cardassian looked hard at Julian. "So you say. But isn't it rather that you want a confirmation of your own – shall we call them prejudices about me?"

"Like what? Garak, I don't know a thing about you! How can I be pre…"

Garak interrupted him with a gesture and gripped Julian's wrist tight. "Don't you, for instance, think I am a spy? That I lie to you? That I am not what I seem to be? That… I am not to be trusted because I'm Cardassian?" Garak seemed to keep entirely calm, just as if he was stating some fact. Julian tried reading his face, but failed. He looked at his hands, at Garak's hand that was still holding his wrist with force. He felt caught.

"Yes, those are some of the things I think about you. But what irks me is the uncertainty. If I knew for a fact what was true and what wasn't… maybe things would be easier."

"Do you really think so, Doctor?" The way Garak persisted with calling him by his title was beginning to irritate Julian.

"Just assume for a moment I tell you, or you find out, that I'm really a spy. That I haven't always been a tailor. You name it. Would you then still be able to – as you claim you do – like me?"

Julian swallowed. "I think…"

Garak relaxed his hold on Julian's wrist and started stroking his hand. The reptilian skin felt cold to the touch, but not unpleasant. Julian closed his eyes. Garak spoke on in a changed voice.

"I don't believe there is such a thing as truth, Doctor. All of us make up our world out of things we believe, because we want to believe them. For instance, I like talking to you and take pleasure in your company because I believe you to be a brilliant, young, beautiful, open-minded person. Someone who will not run away if I make a step in their direction, or insult me because I belong to a people some members of which made terrible mistakes."

"So I'm open-minded because I believe you to be a spy?"

"No, Doctor. Everyone believes that. You are open-minded to me because you talk to me in spite of your beliefs. And because you still would if they were confirmed. You think you are here to find the truth. But really you're here because truth doesn't matter to you." His hand crept up Julian's arm, up to his face. Julian leaned into the touch.

"Maybe you're right, Garak. Maybe." He kissed the hand which was holding his face, caressing it gently with his own hand. It felt very warm and pulsated against Garak's grey skin. He buried his face in the joined hands and continued kissing Garak's fingers. Then he looked at the Cardassian from between them.

"You know… there are certain things about you I can find out for myself."