NONE IN THE FAMILY, PART TWO: UNMASKED "Daria" is owned and copyrighted by MTV. All rights reserved. This is not an episode, but the best imitation of an episode that I could write. Thanks to the creators of "Daria" for providing so much rich material for fanfics....

This is the eighth fic in my chronology, and the concluding part of "None in the Family." It follows

"Rose-Colored Lenses,"
"The Tie That Chokes,"
"That Thing You Say,"
"'Shipped Out,"
"Andrea Speaks!",
"Cheered Down," and, of course,
"None in the Family, Part One."

I'd give it a 2.5S..... Ugh, why even pretend these scripts could fit into a half-hour????

Ten Spot Promo: An old one, in which you see the numbers, from 1 to 10, materialize in water. That one always frustrated me, because it seemed to take forever for the 10 to appear, and I was like, "Dammit, just let me watch 'Daria'!" Nonetheless, I'm using it here because I'm running out of other promo options...

(Black background. Suddenly we see Daria walk on screen and stand facing front, so that she's staring at us from the T.V. screen. Her demeanor is its usual deadpan.)

DARIA: Hello. Let me start out by saying that I'm not here to show clips from last week's episode. You know what happened. You read it. And if you haven't read it, it's not hard to find: look right above, and you'll see it's under the same title.

(Pause. Daria stands there impassively. Finally she sighs.)

DARIA: All right, all right, I'll humor you. Here's a brief run-through of what happened:

Dad, Quinn, and I have just returned from one explosive family reunion at Grandma Barksdale's house, where --

Mom blew up at Dad for not supporting her when she got humiliated by an old neighbor.

Dad blew up at Mom for humiliating him in front of the people at Grandma's party.

And Quinn and I got stuck in the middle.

Meanwhile, Quinn's mad at Erin for outdoing her in the popularity department.

And Erin's mad at Brian for being such a jerk. Surprise, surprise.

Grandma's mad at Aunt Amy for not involving her in her life.

I'm a little mad at her, too.

Amy seems like she's mad at Grandpa Barksdale for stuff he said to her when she was younger.

And Aunt Rita just seems like someone who's easy to irritate.

Well that should be enough to get you into the second half. So just sit back and enjoy. Or at least be glad this isn't your family.

[intro theme music...................]

NONE IN THE FAMILY

PART TWO: UNMASKED

Kara Wild

ACT ONE

SCENE 1 (Morgendorffer house, picking up where we left off in Part One)

(Shot of outside. Cut to shot of Daria, Jane, and Quinn sitting on Daria's bed. Jane glances at Daria's clock.)

JANE: I'd better call Trent to let him know I haven't dropped dead. Or at least to make sure he hasn't.

(Beat)

DARIA: And we'd better tell our mom the same thing. Assuming the coast is clear.

(She nods to Quinn. They jump off the bed and head over to the door as Jane starts to make her call. Cut to shot of the outside hallway. Daria and Quinn open the door, creep out, and glance around. Pause. Daria sniffs the air and frowns.)

DARIA: Smells like Dad's venting his rage in the kitchen.

JAKE: (off screen): Gah! This apron's not flame-retardant!

DARIA: Yep.

(Beat)

QUINN: (cringing) Eww! I hope he doesn't, like, expect us to eat what he's making.

DARIA: With a little cunning, we won't have to. I have an idea. (She nods toward her room, and they go back in.)

(fade-out. fade-in to a brief time later. Daria and Quinn are huddled around the phone, while Jane sits on the edge of the bed, watching.)

DARIA: (to Quinn) Just try to sound as upset as possible. Don't lay blame on Dad -- just tell Mom we really want her home.

QUINN: Okay.

DARIA: If we succeed, whatever Dad's making will ne'er pass our lips.

(Quinn nods. Daria picks up the phone and dials.)

(Cut to shot of the phone ringing in the living room of the Barksdale residence. Amy's standing closest by, so she picks it up.)

AMY: Hello?

(Pause. Then cut to split-screen with Amy on the left and Daria on the right.)

DARIA: (a little stiff, recalling their last words in the den) Um hi, Aunt Amy.

AMY: (warmly) Hey, Daria. (Bt. calls over her shoulder.) Helen, your progeny are still alive.

DARIA: Um, could I speak with my mom, please?

(Beat)

AMY: Sure. (picking up on Daria's stiffness and guessing the cause.) Hey listen, Daria --

(Suddenly Helen bustles on screen.)

HELEN: Give me that. (grabs the phone from Amy, who rolls her eyes and walks off screen. speaks into the receiver in an anxious tone: ) Daria, are you girls all right?? What has your father done to you?!

DARIA: Besides teach us the finer points of road rage, not much.

QUINN: (off screen) Ow, Mom! I think I have whiplash!

HELEN: Whiplash!! Is that Quinn?! (Bt) Quinn, baby, it's okay. Mama's right here. Dammit, I'll kill your father -- tearing out of here the way he did --!

DARIA: (patient) Mom, she's fine. (Bt. covering the phone, grumbling to Quinn.) What did I say about laying blame on Dad?? (Bt. uncovers phone, to Helen.) We're both fine. We're just sitting here in my room, calling to find out when you're coming home.

(long Pause)

DARIA: Mom??

(Beat)

HELEN: Well... I'm not sure.

(Beat. Daria rolls her eyes.)

DARIA: C'mon, Mom: you didn't really mean it when you said you and Dad would separate, did you? (Bt) It was just stress from your homecoming. (Bt. suddenly a little worried) Wasn't it?

(Beat)

HELEN: (uneasy) Daria... I don't know. What your father said to me...

DARIA: (rational) Now, Mom, as harsh as Dad was, surely twenty-three years of marriage, based on a solid foundation of love and support, can overcome it. (Bt) Besides, we miss you.

QUINN: (leaning in, trying to sound little-girlish) Yeah, Mommy.

(Pause)

HELEN: (maternal instincts kicking in) Ohhhhhh... my little angels. Just hearing your sweet voices is starting to --

(Suddenly she's interrupted by the clicking sound of another phone being picked up, followed by that of numbers being pressed.)

JAKE: (off screen. panicked) Is this 911?! Emergency! I think I just set my house on fire!!

HELEN: Jake, what on earth?!

JAKE: Helen?? (Pause. getting enraged) So -- you didn't trust me, did you?! Thought you'd spy on me and the girls!

HELEN: Jake, I don't trust you any farther than I can throw you. Which, considering how bloated your kiester has gotten since we were first married, means not at --

JAKE: Oh yeah?! Oh yeah?!

(Daria groans and shakes her head, realizing an opportunity's been lost.)

HELEN: I turn my back for one minute, and you set the house on fire!

JAKE: Oh yeah?! Shows you how much you know, Helen! I was just lying to test you. The house is fine!

HELEN: It damn well better be, Jake Morgendorffer!

JAKE: So don't go prying into other people's business the way you always do. Just leave us alone!

HELEN: Dammit, Jake, the first sign of any trouble --

JAKE: There isn't gonna be any! In fact, I was just gonna tell the girls that the soup's on!

DARIA: (mumbling) That's trouble enough for me.

(Beat)

JAKE: Daria?

(Beat)

HELEN: (fuming) Daria, tell your father if that's the way he feels, then fine. I'll just leave you alone. But remember: first sign of a problem, and you can get to Grandma's house by taking A24 --

JAKE: Oh no, you don't!

(Daria sighs.)

DARIA: Look, Mom, I'd better go. I'll talk to you soon.

(Beat)

HELEN: (uneasy, not wanting to get off) All... right... sweetie. Mom loves you.

DARIA: Um yeah. Me, too. (Pause) Bye.

(She hangs up. Pause. Cut to full screen of Helen, lingering on the phone.)

HELEN: Jake??

(Pause. We then hear the clicking sound of him hanging up, followed by the dial tone. Helen hold the phone a few seconds longer, then slowly lays it back on its cradle. She turns to Grandma Barksdale, Rita, and Amy, who have been eavesdropping from the living room couch. They're more or less alone; most of the guests at Grandma Barksdale's anniversary party left right after Helen and Jake's shoutdown. Helen walks over to them.)

HELEN: (wailing) Oh Mother, he's going to hurt my babies!

GRANDMA: (pacifying) Now sweetheart, aren't you being a bit overly dramatic?

(Helen drops into a chair beside her.)

HELEN: But who knows what kinds of horrible things he could be cooking for them?? Jake likes to experiment.

GRANDMA: (putting a hand on her shoulder) Now, now... he's their father. He wouldn't hurt them.

AMY: (under her breath) Unless arsenic's one of the experimental ingredients.

GRANDMA: (to Helen) You're getting yourself all tense and worked-up. Just relax.

RITA: Yeah, Helen, we'll get through this shattered-marriage thing together. God knows we've been waiting long enough for it to happen.

HELEN: (glaring at her) My marriage is not shattered!

GRANDMA: Of course it's not.

HELEN: It's just... a little... scuffed. (slumps forward.)

(Beat)

AMY: In the meantime, where were you planning to stay?

(Before Helen can reply, Mr. Norbert pokes his head through the dining room door.)

NORBERT: (to Helen) Don't worry, hon: the first realization that he's not getting any will make your hubby come crawling back to you.

(Helen veers around to look at him. Gets an expression of intense hatred.)

HELEN: Get out of here, you awful man!!!

NORBERT: Or to someone else.

HELEN: This is all your fault! Mother, make him leave!!!

GRANDMA: Harry, I'll see you at the next Homeowners' Alliance meeting.

NORBERT: I gotcha, Evie. (Bt. to Helen) And honey, if he doesn't come back to you, there are plenty of other fish in the sea. (nods to Rita and Amy, then exits.)

(Helen emits a loud, sharp groan and hangs her head. Pause.)

AMY: I'm really sorry I missed this one.

(Beat. Grandma Barksdale, Helen, and Rita all look at her, irritated.)

GRANDMA: You're not funny, Amy. (Bt. turns to Helen) Sweetheart, you can stay here for as long as you need to.

HELEN: (sniffing a bit. voice a little foggy) Thank you, Mother.

RITA: And I'll ask Erin and Brian to check up on the girls in a few days. If they need that long.

HELEN: (sniff, sniff) You will? That's so thoughtful of you, Rita.

RITA: Pathetic-ness always brings out my good side.

AMY: So that explains why you pick such winners to be your boyfriends.

(Pause. Again, Grandma Barksdale, Helen, and Rita give her irritated looks.)

AMY: Sorry -- couldn't resist. (Bt) I'll see if I can scrounge up a cell phone for you, Helen.

(Helen gets an expression of horror.)

HELEN: Oh my God! My phone!

(fade-out. fade-into: )

SCENE 2 (Morgendorffer house, late evening)

(Shot of outside. Cut to shot of the table, where Jake, dressed in a singed "Kiss the Cook" apron, is ladling broth into three soup bowls.)

JAKE: (calling out) Get it while it's hot, girls!

(Pause. We then see Daria and Quinn walk on screen. They sit down -- Daria in her usual place, Quinn in Jake's -- and peer cautiously into their bowls. Jake plops himself down in Quinn's usual spot.)

JAKE: It's matzo ball soup! A Morgendorffer family specialty.

(Beat)

DARIA: Chicken broth and bread crumbs. (Bt) I guess you can't go too wrong there.

QUINN: Ew, Daddy, what're these things?? (points to shriveled gray objects floating in the broth.)

JAKE: Mushrooms and anchovies, of course. Those were my addition.

DARIA: Of course.

JAKE: Regular matzo ball soup is so boring. This has much more flavor in it. (Bt) So go on -- eat up.

(Pause. Daria and Quinn just stare at their soup.)

QUINN: Um, Dad, I'd like to, but... I ate some of that yellow wiggly stuff at Grandma's house and I'm feeling kind of sick.

DARIA: Um yeah. Same here.

JAKE: Oh. (looks disappointed.)

(Beat)

DARIA: But, um, thanks for trying.

QUINN: Yeah.

JAKE: Aw nonsense! (does a fist pump.) It's something any with-it, take-charge kind of dad would do.

DARIA: Cool.

JAKE: I just want to be the type of dad you girls have always deserved.

DARIA: Can't object to that.

JAKE: And on top of cooking regularly for you, I'm gonna start boning up on some facts about your lives. With-it dads actually know stuff about their kids.

DARIA: You don't say.

QUINN: (looking worried) Everything??

JAKE: So I've heard! (Bt) For starters: Quinn, sweetie, how old are you now?

QUINN: (making a face) Not eleven, that's for sure. (Bt) I'm almost sixteen.

JAKE: (expression of horror) Sixteen?! That old?! (Bt) Bu-but you shouldn't be dating guys at your age. They've only got one thing on their mind, the lousy bastards --!

(Daria rolls her eyes.)

DARIA: Dad, you knew Quinn was that old.

JAKE: (whimper-mumbling) But I kept trying to block it out...

(Beat)

QUINN: Well now that you know for sure, (voice takes on a crafty edge) how'd you like to be a really cool dad and take me car shopping??

JAKE: Aw gee, honey... if I was the kind of dad I was yesterday, I'd say, "You betcha! Just name the color!" But now that I'm a take-charge kind of dad, I'll say -- no way in hell.

(Quinn slumps forward. Daria smirks -- "This being stuck with Dad might not be so bad.")

JAKE: Let's see, now: Daria, you're se-ven-teen. Right??

DARIA: Correct.

JAKE: All right!

DARIA: (smirking) Boy, Dad, nothing gets past you.

JAKE: You'd better believe it! (Bt. eyes bulge, starts speaking in a rage-filled tone.) Although some people would have you think otherwise. They just don't trust --

DARIA: Um, Dad, speaking of "some people": how soon'll you feel you've proven yourself enough to Mom to make up and return our house to its normal state of tedium?

(Beat. Jake loses his enthusiasm.)

JAKE: Gee... I don't know, Daria. (Bt. eyes bulge again.) Maybe when she stops calling me an idiot an' starts taking me seriously!

DARIA: Okay, that's a valid concern. (Bt) But wouldn't it be better if you and Mom talked this through in person? Like in front of a therapist?

(Beat. Jake slumps forward.)

JAKE: Aw gee, that would never work. Your mom's real good at that talking crap. She'd say everything, an' I'd get to say nothing!

DARIA: True.

JAKE: An' in the end, the therapist'd just side with her. (Bt) I hate to say it, kiddo, but this separation's the only way we can work things out.

(Beat)

DARIA: I see. (Bt. heaves a sigh.) Well, then, I just hope it doesn't last too long. Quinn and I like having two parents.

QUINN: Yeah, Daddy. I miss Mom.

JAKE: (paternal instincts kicking in) Ahhhhh... I'm sorry, sweetie-pie. Daddy knows how hard it must be for both you girls. (Bt. resolute) But you gotta give me a chance. Would ya do that for me, huh?

(Pause)

DARIA & QUINN: (weary) Sure.

JAKE: Thanks! (Bt. leans over, takes a sip of the matzo ball soup, makes a sour expression.) Ewww!!

(He jumps up, takes all three bowls of soup, and goes over to dump them in the sink. Meanwhile Daria looks at Quinn, cocks an eyelid.)

DARIA: Grandpa Barksdale must've really put a hex on Dad. He could actually resist your megadose of cuteness?

QUINN: (stunned) Yeah.

(Beat)

DARIA: Well so far, so good. But I'm almost afraid to see what other surprises the new Dad has in store for us.

(Jake reappears at the table.)

JAKE: Say, girls, I was thinking: since you're saving time by not eating, why not use it constructively? Your rooms could sure use a good cleaning.

(Beat)

DARIA: An interesting suggestion.

QUINN: Yeah, we'll give it serious thought, Dad.

(Beat. Jake's cheerful fa