Title: Mantra
Rating: PG
Pairing: Meredith/Derek
Summary: He's with Rose, he's with Rose. Post episode one shot for "The Becoming"
Disclaimer: Not mine, Shonda's
Reviews are love and much appreciated.
He's with Rose, he's with Rose.
I repeat that mantra to myself so many times the words start to run together until it's just one fluid sentence. I want to kiss him, I need to kiss him.
I can't though.
He's with Rose, he's with Rose.
When we stand there, needles in hand inserted into a plastic brain I have to repeat my mantra to myself so many times the words begin to lose their meaning. Then just as I'm getting my focus back on the task at hand he does the unthinkable and turns the lights off. He is perfectly illuminated by the glow of the fluorescent light we have just injected into our test subject.
I can't stop looking at his lips, so soft and imagine them kissing and grazing my own.
He's with Rose, he's with Rose.
I try and focus on something, anything else apart from his lips.
George. Izzie. Cristina.
I try and shift my focus onto my friends but it doesn't work and my mind keeps wandering back to him. He's looking at me with those eyes and I can't stop the wandering thoughts.
Luckily we finish our practice procedure before it wanders too far.
During the surgery his lips are covered up so I can't digress from my work and think about them.
"We have to be in sync" he says, and I can see a twinkle in his eyes as he says it. Lately I've gotten really good at reading his eyes. It's the only part of him that I can see when we're in the OR together and I've learnt how to read every flicker, and every small movement.
I'm going too fast because my mind is wandering and when he tells me to slow down and look into his eyes I have to keep repeating my mantra over and over and I'm so grateful that he can't see my lips moving beneath my paper mask. We finish the injections perfectly which only seems to serve as a reminder of how good we are together.
After the surgery he stands in front of me and he plays me at the staying game. He wants to stay, and I want him to stay but I pretend that I don't need him and I tell him to go. As he walks away my mind screams at me for allowing him to go.
He's with Rose, he's with Rose.
He's with her and now he's walking away from me to go and be with her and my heart hurts just thinking about the two of them together.
In our trailer, in our bed.
He finds me later, alone in an empty room and when his eyes meet mine I recognise the need in them. It's the same need that I see in my own. He puts the bottle of champagne on the floor and talks seriously about our clinical trial.
"We will get there" he says. "Together we will, and we will drink this when we do"
He's with Rose, he's with Rose.
The mantra is quieter now, the words fading into the back of my mind and I realise I've stopped listening to it. I cup his face in his hands and do what I've been longing to do all day. My lips graze his and as he softly kisses me back I feel my head empty and I feel full of light. Our tongues tangle and he moves his hands through my hair. Then, almost as impulsively as it begins, it ends. He breaks it off with the words that have been running through my mind all day
" I'm with Rose"
With that he picks up the bottle and leaves me, once again alone. Even though he left I know he has faith in us, and I hope that just like the clinical trial, one day we will get there, and we will drink that bottle of champagne together.