Coming To Terms With Fools

by evhein

A foolish Renji realizes his love for the stoic captor of his every thought. When he acts on his thoughts, will Byakuya return his feelings? Or will he sink even farther into himself from his memories of his days with Hisana?

Disclaimer:

Tite Kubo owns every bit of Bleach. I'm only a devoted fan! The only thing I own are my plot bunnies!

A/N:

As you all know, I'm taking a break from Kiore until I get the evil little micro-devils removed from its pages. It shouldn't take much longer. xP

While reading, please keep an open mind. This is my third fanfiction to be posted here. Please review as soon as you are able with whatever comments you have for me. Flames are welcome; they keep me and my blankey nice 'n toasty at night! xP And I've decided to put the lyrics to the parts of the song that inspired me most at the end of the A/N section of my stories. Please don't hate me for it! It helps you to get in the mood for what's coming!

Warning:

The following contains: homosexual intercourse, swearing, angst, romance, and a very cute and cuddly plot bunny. I'm not sure where this story is going, but it's going. This story features one of my favorite pairings: Renji and Byakuya.

My Thanks To:

Well, I got the inspiration from watching .hack/SIGN and playing the .hack games. That's what put the scenery in my head. Then I also got inspiration from KivaEmber, as usual. Also from The Killers and She Wants Revenge, which are currently in my top ten favorite bands. You guys should go and check them out! xP

And finally, my thanks to my totally rad beta, 7PhoenixAshes ! She is sooo amazing!

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"You're as funny as being set on fire. In fact, you'd be funnier if you were on fire, please remedy this as soon as possible."

-Anon

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What was the word? Passion. That was it.

When the days stretch long, passion was all that kept me going. What else could? Think about it.

Hollows. Failure. The deaths of my dearest comrades. The responsibility of representing the entire sixth division. What else was there in life that could keep me going under all that pressure?

... Oh, right. I almost forgot. No, that's a lie. It's more like I didn't want to remember.

Byakuya Kuchiki, my captain. In slight, though sappy as it may sound, taichou is my everything. But... he has no idea. I would do anything just to hear one single compliment. A solitary 'good work, Renji,' or maybe an 'I'll be relying on you for the next mission as well, Renji.' Something like that. Something to help me know that I wasn't all alone in our office. That I wasn't the only one holding up our very fragile, unstable relationship. I call it this because it's hardly a friendship. We've never had a drink together, much less held up a conversation that didn't end in some kind of day-dominating dispute. But... why was that? Why was it that all we did was disagree?

There had to be a reason...

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As I now sit in my office chair, glaring daggers into my taichou's creased forehead, my mind screams at me to ask him what the hell he's staring at.

"Oi, taichou..." I breathed, keeping my voice low and casual. He blinked and lowered his gaze to his desk.

"What is it, Abarai-fukutaichou." His words were as formal as usual. And it stung. After so many long years together, he couldn't even muster up a 'Renji-kun'.

"What were y'lookin' at a minute ago?" I asked, and my breath caught as he snapped his eyes back to mine.

"And what exactly are you implying, fukutaichou?" As if to force me into submission, he called me by rank rather than name. But I was feeling pretty bold today.

"What am I implyin'...? Nuthin' much. Well, I guess, maybe, the same thing you were a minute ago when you were eye-ballin' me."

It was his turn to take a sharp breath. He stood calmly and made his way over to the door. "I expect you to finish the week's work by this evening, fukutaichou. We are not like the other divisions; we are not a sloppy disgrace." And with that I was left with the sight of the back of his haori waving me farewell.

I scowled and grunted my indignation. How the hell did he think I could get all the work done in just a few hours?

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At my side, Kira sighed heavily. "Well, Renji, we've barely made a dent in his assignment."

I rubbed my eyes a bit too roughly, and with a barely-contained yawn, I glanced to the clock on the wall. He was right, it was nearly 10 pm, and Byakuya should have been back two hours ago. I couldn't finish all our squad reportsmy the end of the evening, there was just no way.

"Where the hell did he run off to?" I exclaimed. I really wished he would just materialize in the door right about now.

"Maybe I could ask Ichimaru-taichou to let me stay through the night to help with your work?" Kira offered. He always was too anal about duty.

"Nah, Kira-kun, don' even worry 'bout it. I'm gonna go on home. He knows there's no way to finish it all; it's probably all some kinda sick punishment to him."
"Punishment? What in the world did you do, Renji-kun?"

I tensed, immediately regretting spilling my situation to Kira. He would be disappointed and give me some kind of lecture over our duty to be respectful to our captains at all times.

"Ehh, I might've mouthed off a bit to him this morning. That's all."

"'That's all'? Renji-kun, one of these days Kuchiki-taichou isn't going to be as forgiving as he is now! One of these days he's going to teach you some manners!"

"Aw, c'mon, Kira-kun, don't be all huffy with me. S'not even your problem!"

His lips puckered to hold back another comment, and his brows furrowed to show his anger at what I had just said. He stood up and stomped to the door. "Fine, if it's not my problem, then I guess you don't need me anymore for anything!"

With that, Kira was gone. I called after him, but of course he wasn't listening. He was always so sensitive.

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After a half hour of staring gloomily at the papers and records on my desk before me, I eventually shrugged on my heavier kimono and slipped out the door, leaving the pale lights on to shine over the work I refused to finish.

The air hit me rather suddenly, and I was surprised to see how dark it had gotten in the ten minutes it had taken me to sign out and reach the exit to out division headquarters. I pulled on my worn bandanna to hold my hair out of my face and inhaled the scent in the air. It was so mellow, so early spring. It was the scent of the trees and flowers that had just coming back to life.

The roads were empty. I wasn't surprised, they always were at this time of night. Shinigami had tight schedules that required early bedtimes. As I walked, my attention was focused on my taichou's expression before he left the room that morning. What was it I saw that flashed in his eyes as he stared me down? I just couldn't place it. I'd never seen it in him before. Some sort of aura that I really couldn't even picture him having. After all, the stoic Byakuya never wore his emotions on his sleeve.

I chuckled in disappointment. All these years and it seemed I barely understood him at all. Well, could you really blame me? The guy never let anyone in his business.

I hesitated. Yes, I could blame myself. It was my fault. Had I ever really given the man a chance? Hadn't I always had some hatred in my heart for his treatment of Rukia? I felt ashamed. I was the closest of anyone to Byakuya, so why was I so distant?

I shook my head to remove the negative thoughts. There was only one thing to do then: get to know my taichou.

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The next morning I was up at the crack of dawn. I yawned as I stared out my window. The sight of the green fields outside used for training drew me in. Two young shinigami were sparring, but were dressed in their winter shihakushou. Had it gotten even colder? I snorted in disappointment as I realized this temperature would be the end for the newly formed plant life outdoors. This new turn in the weather sucked, I always liked training in the forest on my days off.

I walked to the bathroom while pulling off my clothes, leaving a trail of them behind me. The heat of the shower woke me up enough to think; today was the day I'd better acquaint myself with taichou. I smiled at that notion, wondering what he was really like underneath all that quiet mass of nobleman. After showering and using the toilet, I dressed myself in tight-fitting jeans and a small black t-shirt. It was my day off; why not enjoy it with real-world attire? Before exiting my home, I sneaked a look at myself in the mirror by my den closet. I was missing something. I had forgotten to tie my hair back. After fixing my hair, I grinned and winked to my reflection. Dashing as usual.

The streets of the Seireitei were surprisingly busy. Division members swarmed together around their respective headquarters, anxious about some upcoming event. I frowned; I was a fukutaichou! No event took place without my knowing.

"Oi, guys! What's goin' on?" I boomed to the members in front of fifth division's gate. They gasped and bowed hurriedly to me.

"Abarai-fukutaichou! Good morning!" Came their voices in unison.

"Ahh, mornin'. What's up?"

"Well, Aizen-taichou and Ichimaru-taichou have gotten sou-taichou to consider a trip to the onsen in the mountains!" One of the females exclaimed excitedly. "The captains get to leave, but they have to choose five people in their divisions to have an entire day off!"

"Huh? We've never had an actual group vacation before. Well, 'cept rarely, fer th' holidays..." My head tilted in suspicion. Was there a holiday coming up that I'd possibly forgotten?

"Abarai-fukutaichou, it's for Valentine's Day!" She explained. The four fifth division members stared at me incredulously. "Did... did you forget?"

"Err, nah, course not! I was just... wonderin', and..." I coughed and looked away, feeling my cheeks burning. What an idiot I was!

"The idea they're proposing is that a taichou takes one date with him to the onsen. Only one. And from there, if they choose their fukutaichou, the third-seat is left in charge. And vice versa." Another shinigami giggled. "I think the idea is so cute!"

I thought about it. It was a phenomenal idea. If I could convince Byakuya to take me, then he and I could settle our differences in a better setting. But I would have to find out before him.

"Yeah, well, see you guys later. Keep up with your trainin' 'n whatnot."

"Have a good day, sir!" One called after me happily, giggling as I walked away towards my division building.

I couldn't help but be intrigued by the notion of a group vacation. Would I, being a fukutaichou, get to go as well? Or would I be stuck caring for the division as Byakuya left to enjoy himself. Not that he wouldn't deserve a very long, relaxing trip, but I was full of needs as well. He was used to the torture of responsibility, but I... I was mainly from the eleventh division. That was explanation enough.

I sighed heavily as my building came in sight. What was I even going to say when I met up with him?

Oi, taichou, I know it's my day off and all, but I decided to come in anyway to chat you up for a few hours. You know, just so you can't get any work done either.

Yes, I could imagine it now. The anger he would express in his eyes as he pointed me to the door.

Speaking of, I soon stood before the entrance to my headquarters. I slid the door open and stepped inside, kicking off my shoes as I went. I picked them up and handed them to the woman at the counter. She signed me in and put my shoes in the locker assigned to me.

"Good morning, Abarai-fukutaichou." She smiled shyly to me, blushing as she tried to contain her pleasure of seeing me again so soon. After all, I really wasn't supposed to be here. "Are you coming in to work today?"

"Mornin'. Nah, just visitin' taichou. Don't clock me in or nuthin', 'k? Just sign me in as here."

"Already taken care of, sir. Please continue on; Kuchiki-taichou is in the office."

I took a few steps forward before hesitating. I turned back around to her, much to her delight. "Oi, that onsen trip thing they're planning, d'ya know anything about it?"

"Well, sir, not at the moment, but I'll call you down as soon as the information is released."

"Good. And, uh, tell me before taichou, 'k? Maybe as a personal favor?"

Her cheeks reddened as she took in my words. "Oh, well, I'm not really supposed to withhold information from Kuchiki-taichou... under any circumstance, but,"

"'But'?" I continued, flashing my pearly whites and taking a step toward her.

"I suppose this once won't hurt anything... after all, it's just a trip to the onsen, right?" She blushed, grinning.

"Right, exactly. Well, see you soon, then!" I smiled and followed my usual path to our office. My plan would work, I just knew it.

I bounced to our room and slid open the door in excitement.

"I'm back, taichou!" I exclaimed, and caught my breath as I saw the fury in his expression. I took a step inside, quieting myself as I halted my steps. "Erm, good morning, sir-"

"The door, fukutaichou." He ordered, not even acknowledging me with his eyes. I frowned and shut the door. I eyed the floor, feeling a small wave of guilt wash over me at being chastised.

"Requesting permission to speak freely, Kuchiki-taichou."

He looked up at me, cradling his face in a pale, slender palm. I saw the bags under his eyes as clearly as I saw his beauty. My captain was exhausted. My lips parted in hesitation. He inhaled slowly before releasing in the same manner; the most elegant sigh I'd ever seen.

"Granted, fukutaichou. Why are you here?" He asked calmly as he gestured with his free hand towards the chair in front of his wooden desk. I sat, wincing as the wood creaked to support my weight. I looked up at him nervously, and was met with his solid expression. I cleared my throat, much to his impatience.

"What's up?"

"Fukutaichou, unlike you, I have work to do, since apparently you couldn't finish it yourself. Is there something you need?" He demanded. I grimaced as I realized he was completing the work Kira and I didn't even come close to finishing.

I couldn't find my voice. I could only fidget with my hands and stared at my lap. I felt like a child again, scolded by someone older and wiser. "Yes, taichou. Have you heard of the onsen trip that's being planned for Valentine's Day?"

"I've been made aware of the outing, yes." He replied swiftly, hurrying me on with the tone in his voice. I found my courage at the sight of those damned dark circles around his eyes.

"You're going, aren't you?" Dammit, he's already heard.

"Most likely not. Such events as those are a waste of time. I could get three days of work finished in the time I squander 'relaxing'."

I took a breath. "You know you need a date t'go, don't 'cha?"

"Fukutaichou, I believe I just explained to you the waste of time it would be when my presence is needed here."

I stared him down. He would not get the best of me, not this time. "Take me."

My words took him by surprise. He couldn't find his words. His eyes had widened, and I could see he momentarily forgot how to breathe. But all in all, I could see the gears in his head working, calculating. He was considering.

"Why would you ask such an idiotic thing of me, fukutaichou?" He demanded. "If I am not mistaken, the rules state that the escorted must be of the opposite gender."

I waved the comment off. "Nah, sou-taichou would never discriminate like that. A man can take another man." Besides, his response didn't exactly sound like a 'no'.

"Abarai-san, is there something you're trying to confess to me?" He asked quietly, incredulously. I was too shocked to immediately answer. For one thing, he'd just called me by my name. For another thing, I thought he might've been right. I considered the thought. All this time, I'd been pushing him away. All this time, I was pushing him from my heart. When maybe I'd actually wanted him closer. Was it possible? Did I have feelings for my taichou? But, that would mean I wasn't... straight. Hmm. That was something I'd have to contemplate later.

I watched as the different emotions flashed in his eyes. He was beautiful. And so... broken. That was the word. I heard that after the death of his wife, everyone watched as he went inside himself. Not that he was outgoing to begin with. But... if that was the case, then all he needed was love to bring his true self back out, right? Would my being with him make my taichou become Byakuya Kuchiki again?

At that moment, nothing else mattered. I would throw myself on the line.

"Taichou, I... I like you. Kinda a lot. And not in the normal 'my taichou is better 'n yer taichou' kinda like... it's somethin'... else entirely." I rambled, sliding my hand slowly across the table to grasp his. He gasped and, as if burned, jerked his hand away. His reaction made it seem like he hadn't held hands since... since Hisana. Which would make sense.

"What's the matter with you, Renji? What are you saying?" He exclaimed, his voice quiet but urgent. I'd never seen such emotion in his eyes. I was strangely excited by his expression, negative or not. And he'd called me by my name...!

"I'm saying I... I think I wanna be with you." I replied quickly. I stood and leaned across the desk. I reached for his face, but he shrunk back.

"Renji," he began, but I grabbed him by his hair and pulled his face to mine. Our lips touched, and he grunted at the shock of it.

His lips were warm and chapped, as if he'd been biting into them for hours. And they were so soft. I pressed my lips to his more urgently, moving them slowly, dying to get him to open his mouth to have him return the action. I was so desperate, my head was spinning with some unnameable emotion that I hadn't felt since...

Well, since someone else I'd rather not think about.

I refused to release him until he relaxed, and the wait was so worth it. It was exhilarating to feel the muscles in his arms soften, and his neck become less rigid. When I pulled away, the look he wore was unforgettable. He looked so... vulnerable.

"I like you... a lot, 'n... Be with me." I demanded softly. He could only stare at me in shock. I was about to lean in for another kiss, but we were interrupted by the sudden knock at the Shoji door.

"Pardon the interruption, Kuchiki-taichou, but I have a message for Abarai-fukutaichou." It was the squad six secretary again. Hadn't I just got done with her? I groaned and looked up at Byakuya. How would he handle this? He slowly reached with his hand to push gently against my chest.

"Sit... down... fukutaichou." He whispered. I was shocked. What happened to 'Renji'? "Come in."

The door slid open and the young woman stepped politely inside. "Thank you, sir." She bowed low to Byakuya as I scowled to him.

"The message, if you will..." Byakuya mumbled, turning away from us and standing to walk to the door. He slid open the windowed door that led to the balcony and exited. I stared out at him as he left the door open. What had just happened? Had I been rejected?

"Sir," the woman whispered to me "the date has been set for next week. Soutaichou decided that in order to go, a taichou must escort another-"

"Yeah, yeah, another from his squad. I know all about it." I didn't mean to be rude, but I was pissed about Byakuya. "Listen, me 'n taichou need some privacy right now, 'kay?"

I put a hand on her shoulder to show her I wasn't angry with her. I flashed her the same old smile, and she returned with her own. She nodded and left quietly.

I looked over at Byakuya, and silently walked towards him. When I was at his side, I looked at him. He avoided my gaze. It was then I noticed his reddened cheeks.

"I will take you." He said finally. "But this in no way means that we're... together."

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A/N:

Alright everyone, this concludes the first chapter. As you can see, a lot has been fixed. I think the turnout is pretty freakin' awesome, considering I didn't even like this story to begin with. But... it's grown on me, so readers, you're safe. xP

I again want to thank 7PhoenixAshes for her amazing help! She's the best beta a growing author could ever ask for! I appreciate her help soooo much.

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