A/N: I had this idea while writing my other story, ADSS, and figured that I would put it in that story at some point. I don't know how or when, though, and it seems like it might be better on its own. Sorry that it's so short!

Fairy Tail and all of its related characters belong to Hiro Mashima.

"Natsu, what the hell are you doing?"

"Dammit," he scoffed under his breath. He mentally scolded himself for not sniffing her out and hiding before she found him.

"Natsu," she asked again, with a glare. "What. Are. You. Doing."

As Lucy stood over him like an angry nanny, he took pause to consider how to respond. He could come up with a lie, which she would see through and definitely kick him for, or he could be honest and she would only probably kick him.

"I'm helping a friend," he stated. Perhaps it wasn't exactly what she was looking for, but it certainly wasn't a lie.

Lucy furrowed her brow even further as she stared at her crouching partner. "Arson is helping?" she stated, more than asked. "I really don't think Levy's date will go better with the restaurant on fire."

"I'm not talking about her," Natsu snapped back. His initial fear of being kicked in the face had passed and he was determined to stand his ground against Lucy's judgmental questioning. "Well, I'm helping her in the long run, I guess, but she's having too much fun with this nerdy kid," he responded, turning back to his work, "so I'm fixing that."

Natsu had donned a smug grin while Lucy simply sighed and rubbed her forehead. It was cute how the boys were so loyal to one another. At least, it would be if fewer things got destroyed.

"Why couldn't he do it himself?" The metal monster was so overprotective that it surprised Lucy a little that he wasn't even here.

"Lily and I told him to stay home. A kitchen fire is less suspicious than a giant steel pole through the window."

"Ugh," she sighed, exasperated. "Why doesn't he just ask her out?"

"Be nice, he's shy. Human mating is awkward for him." Natsu turned to give her his best "sad puppy" face in the hope of getting some sympathy for his friend.

Lucy was having trouble understanding how Mr. Staples-People-to-Trees could possibly be shy. Sure, he had spent a few years in their beloved and extremely peculiar guild, but most people become rather outspoken and weird after a while; they don't become more shy.

She didn't want to think about it too much. "Fine—not ask her out," since that was apparently too uncomfortably human for him, "but can't he 'mark' her or whatever it is you dragon boys do?" Honestly, this was ridiculous.

Natsu frowned at her in confusion. "I'm pretty sure she wouldn't appreciate it if he just walked up to her one day and bit her."

Bit her? Did she hear that correctly?

"WHAT?"

"Yeah, that's how dragons mark their mates." Lucy looked stunned, forcing Natsu to stifle a laugh. "You didn't know that?"

"Well, I mean, I wondered...but I figured it would be something less...painful." She hadn't really thought about it, but it did make sense. She couldn't picture dragons going up to one another with a stamp that said "MINE" on it. "But yeah," she continued, having calmed down slightly, "biting people is sort of frowned upon."

"Exactly. So, to make sure she doesn't go have babies with this guy, I'm helping."

Babies. "Natsu, do you even..." She paused. Did she really have to ask if he knew how "human mating" worked?

"Y'know what, carry on. I was never here, though, ok?" Logically, she knew she should stop him, but in her heart, she didn't want her best friend to settle for someone inadequate while Gajeel got his act together.

There was also the fact that the kitchen staff was already running around in a panic, so perhaps it was better to just leave…

Please leave a review! I don't know if I'm the only one who thinks that I'm funny...

Also, all you artists out there, if you feel like drawing Natsu lighting stuff on fire while looking like a derp for this story's cover, shoot me a PM.