A/N: My plot bunnies were driving me insane and wouldn't leave me alone until I wrote this. PLEASE do not leave reviews bashing me or my story, or saying how much you hate Rikki. Contrary to popular belief, I do not hate her. I don't care for her, but I don't hate her. I truly believe that Lindsay does not hate her (even though we don't know if they have ever met). This oneshot is my opinion on how things should go down between Danny and Lindsay. Reviews are always appreciated. Enjoy!
Forgiveness
We are told that people stay in love because of chemistry, or because they remain intrigued with each other, because of many kindnesses, because of luck...but part of it has got to be forgiveness and gratefulness. - Ellen Goodman
"Tell me it's not true."
Danny lowered his gaze, unable to meet that of Lindsay. His heart pounded in his ears, threatening to tear out from his chest. "I'm sorry."
The young woman slowly sat down on the couch, digesting the news she had just received. Danny had come forth, confessing to her about sleeping with Rikki, Ruben Sandoval's mother. It had only occurred once, but the damage had already been done. A month had passed since the young boy's tragic death, a situation that Danny felt responsible for. In the weeks following Ruben's passing, it had become obvious to Lindsay that both Danny's physical and mental well-being was suffering. His face had become gaunt, the outline of his eye sockets beginning to show through his pale skin, and his stance was no longer tall and confident. Not only that, but he had distanced himself from her, a fact that deeply hurt Lindsay. She was his girlfriend, someone who he could confide in. Or so she thought; evidently Danny didn't see it that way.
"I just…I can't believe this. I can't believe you would do something like this." Her tone was broken, and she sobbed quietly. Danny took a spot at the other end of the couch and, still avoiding her eyes, peered down at his slightly shaking hands.
Silence rendered in the apartment for a few moments before he finally spoke. "Lindsay, I never meant to hurt you. It was just sex, nothing more. It's not like I plan to marry her."
"Yet you still found the need to go to her instead of me? Me, your own girlfriend?" Her eyes widened as a sudden tremble of realization ran through her body. "Oh God, you were with her when I phoned about lunch. So you're a liar and a cheat."
Danny shook his head. "I didn't want to hurt you."
She snorted lightly. "I'm having a very difficult time believing that."
Without thinking he reached out and gently touched her arm. She flinched but not did move away. "Linds, I made a terrible mistake. I admit that, an' you have no idea how badly I want to take it all back. I want to make this work. It'll take some time, but it's you I want to be with."
She sighed and glanced down at his thumb lightly caressing her skin. Only a few days ago she had made her own confession: she had fallen in love with him. Something that huge hadn't been easy to say, especially for her. She recalled his guilt-stricken face as she revealed her true feelings, literally pouring her heart out to him in their shared office. Now she realized it was a waste of breath.
"Danny…I can't do this right now. I need some time to myself."
He nodded respectfully. "I understand. Take all the time you need."
"I want you to leave."
Her words pierced his heart, but he knew he had no choice. Rising up from his position, Danny slowly strode over to the door, glancing over his shoulder as he reached for the knob. "I love you, Lindsay Monroe. I'm sorry I haven't shown it."
The soft click of the closing door reached Lindsay's ears, and she released a great exhale before shifting her body so she was lying on her back atop the cushions. A thousand questions screamed in her brain, with "why"being the word of the hour. Why would Danny cheat? Why didn't he come to her in his hour of need? Why did he feel he had to lie to her? She groaned and buried her head in the square pillow, the same one that had often rested in Danny's lap with her hair splayed out across the fabric, his gentle hand running through it.
In all honesty, she wanted things to work too. She missed the evenings spent in her apartment, curled up against him while watching the game or a movie, sleeping beside him in her bed, falling asleep in his arms and waking up to the warmth of his body next to her. She missed the twinkle that always accompanied his oceanic eyes, his cheery laugh, and his infectious smile.
She missed the real Danny Messer.
The next few weeks were awkward to say the least. Though Mac didn't assign them to any of the same cases, Danny and Lindsay often ran into each other in the lab. Before they would strike up conversations or tease each other about something, but now Lindsay could not even look at him in the eye. He kept his distance from her, even when they worked in their shared office. Sometimes they found themselves processing evidence in the same room. Danny longed to touch her hand or, as they usually did in the lab, invade her personal space. He never questioned her, just let her go about her business. He would study her carefully, watching her movements and how she spoke to their colleagues. Stella seemed to know what was going on, as she barely spoke to Danny. She didn't need to though; her icy glares said it all. Even Flack was giving him the silent treatment, though a while ago he had muttered something about breaking Danny's legs. Some of the younger lab technicians gave him dirty looks as they passed him. Danny kept a low profile, doing what he had to do and leaving promptly. It was bad enough he and Lindsay worked in the same building.
An owl's mournful hoot was carried away by the light breeze, and a full moon watched over the city as the residents settled in for yet another night. Billions of stars dotted the uncharted vaults of the velvety sky, wrapping the inhabitants of New York in a blanket of security. Inside the apartment, all was silent as Danny lay in bed, staring up at the ceiling with red-rimmed eyes. His insides churned madly as he feebly attempted to rid his mind of the current situation. Though Lindsay had not actually stated they were breaking up, he knew he was losing her. Sometimes when he was strolling past one of the lab rooms, he would peer through the glass at her, watching her mysterious eyes focus on the tiniest piece of evidence, a strand of hair slipping from behind her ear and dangling down in front of her, and she would brush it aside with a flick of her slim fingers. Danny hoped that maybe, one day, she would be wearing a ring on one of those fingers.
Sighing, he lay on his right arm so he was facing the side of the bed that Lindsay often slept on. He shivered despite the warm night, mentally cursing himself for doing something so idiotic. How could I turn my back on Lindsay after all that she has done for me? How could I so foolishly let go of the best thing I had? He brushed a hand over her spot, recalling how beautiful she looked in the morning. Dawn's first light would dance across her serene features, playfully skipping over her soft skin and down the length of her arms, pooling on the sheets by her feet. Often times he found himself propped up on one elbow, watching her sleep peacefully. God, she looked amazing. He would wrap his arms around her and pull her in close, whispering in her ear and wondering if she could hear him. Then the light would shift, encasing them in some wondrous golden aura. There were times when he wished they could stay like that for eternity.
But all that had been stored away in memory's keeping. As Danny closed his eyes and waited for slumber to arrive, he silently prayed that he would find the key to unlock it.
The gentle wind whistled through Lindsay's apartment window, rustling the drapes and sending them into a little dance. Despite her calm surroundings, she was fighting an invisible battle. Her conscience bounced back and forth like a tennis ball, and it slowly drove her mad. She was not about to just take Danny back like that, but neither was she willing to lose him. Part of her screamed to forget about him, to just move on and forget anything ever happened.
The problem was that she couldn't. No matter how hard she tried, Lindsay was unable to throw away all the wonderful memories she shared with Danny. Sure they had their quarrels here and there, but it always worked itself out in the end. This, however, was a completely different story. Danny had committed an unspeakable act, and she wondered if any amount of apologizing would correct it. She truly believed that he had not meant to hurt her, but her heart still wondered why he didn't come to her. A wave of forlorn swept over her, and for a second she pondered if she really did deserve him. Forgiveness, her mother had always told her, was something that took courage. Lindsay hoped she still had some left in her heart.
Settling in under the sheets, she glanced up at the ceiling and thought back to a better time. Danny had helped her bury the last of her demons, and she was finally able to open up and let him inside the fortified walls she had built around herself. It was a massive change from the country to the city, but he had been there for the entire journey. It wasn't a fairytale romance by any means, but Lindsay was content with her life. For the first time in many a year, it had seemed as if the pieces had fallen into place themselves. Then the untimely death of Ruben Sandoval, and everything came crashing down.
Coupled with the lightly sighing breeze and the soft sounds of the city nightlife, Lindsay eventually fell into a dream-filled sleep, asking whatever angels that were still listening if they could bring the old Danny back to her.
The next afternoon, Lindsay was surprised to have a certain visitor at her door. Her pupils narrowed at the sight her eyes fell upon through the peephole. Rikki Sandoval was standing on the other side, gaze cast downward. It immediately flew up when Lindsay opened the door, nodding before stepping aside to let her in.
Rikki turned around to face her and spoke in a level tone. "I'm sure you don't want to see me right now, so I'll make this quick. I came to apologize for doing what I did. I know it deeply affected you, and for that I am greatly sorry. Neither of us meant for it to happen; it just did. You have every right to not forgive me, but I cannot continue my life knowing that I never said anything to you."
Lindsay had never felt any hatred towards Rikki. She knew the situation all too well, and for a split second she sensed a familiarity with the other woman. "When I was young, my friends were murdered. I witnessed the entire thing and was the sole survivor; I can still see their faces, their blood pooling out from underneath their still bodies. I know the feeling of losing someone you love, Rikki. I don't blame you for what happened between you and Danny. I blame myself, because I allowed my love for Danny blind me from the truth. I accept your apology."
Rikki smiled softly and offered her a hug. "Thank you."
Lindsay willingly accepted the kind gesture. As they embraced, Rikki softly whispered in her ear, "I wish you and Danny all the best."
Danny was just returning home from a long shift when Rikki approached him in the hallway. "I spoke with Lindsay."
He perked up at her name. "What happened?"
She ignored the question and stated bluntly, "I'm moving."
"What?"
Rikki took a step closer, eyes glinting in the flickering hall lights. "Staying here in New York, in the very place where my son was killed, is too much for my spirit to handle. Tomorrow morning I'm flying out to California to live with my sister."
"Are you goin' to be alright?"
"I'll manage," she whispered, giving him a small smile. "What about you?"
He sighed heavily. "Lindsay an' I still need to work some things out."
She placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. "It'll be a long road for you both, Danny, but I know you will succeed in the end. Never let go of hope. It's the most important thing anyone can ever hold on to, even when it seems the entire world is against you. Hope is a good thing, and no good thing ever dies."
Her hand slid from his shoulder and she stepped back into the light. "You need each other. What you have with Lindsay is beautiful. Keep that close to your heart. Goodbye, Danny."
She walked off to her apartment door, glancing at him one last time before vanishing behind the wall.
Leaning against the door frame of their shared office, Lindsay watched Danny fill out some paperwork. That was the easiest part of their job; at least they didn't have to stare at decomposing bodies while doing it. Often she and Danny would be writing reports and he would fling a crumpled up piece of paper at her, immediately looking down afterwards and acting nonchalant. She fondly recalled the one time where she had left to use the restroom and returned to see a sticky note on her computer screen with the words I heart my Montana and a little heart scribbled on it. Danny had kept his eyes to his own paper, watching through hooded lids as she read the message and blushed. That was the Danny she so badly wanted back.
"Someone once told me that if you can't find forgiveness in your heart, then your heart is not true." His head shot up at the sound of her voice; he had no idea she was there. He watched her stride over to her desk, noticing the return of the chocolate hue in her gorgeous eyes. Danny swallowed his heart, which had managed to climb into his throat in only a few short seconds.
Lindsay looked at him levelly. "I can't pretend that none of this happened. I also can't pretend that all of this is your fault, because it's not. Maybe I wasn't there for you as much as I should have been, I don't know. But what I do know, Danny, is that we can work through this. Not right away, but somewhere down the road forgiveness will find us. I'm not about to come all this way in our relationship and just give up."
She fell silent, and Danny knew it was a signal for him to say his piece. "In a way, Ruben's death opened my eyes, made me see what I have. I was a fool to ever hurt you, an' I certainly don't deserve your forgiveness. I still have to forgive myself. I was so blinded by the weight I had placed on my shoulders that I completely missed seeing you trying to help me. What we have, Linds, is beautiful. Even if this doesn't work out, I'll always keep that close to my heart."
His sterling blue eyes were misting over, and Lindsay reached across and gently wiped away a falling tear, cupping his cheek. His hand flew up and clasped over hers, shivering slightly at her touch. It was a bittersweet moment, and both drank it in greedily.
"It will take a lot of time," Lindsay whispered. "But if we search deep within ourselves, we'll find the courage to eventually work through this. I have to know you are willing to do it, Danny. I need you with me in this."
She was staring hard at him, eyes boring into his very spirit. Danny found himself instantly lost in their depths, and he blinked to stop himself from tumbling into complete oblivion. "I'm with you."
As the two embraced, they wondered what the road ahead would be like. The first steps towards forgiveness had been taken, and it was now up to them to continue the journey.
THE END.