Disclaimer:

Tite Kubo owns every bit of Bleach. I'm only a devoted fan! The only thing I own are my plot bunnies!

A/N:

Alright, everybody, please keep an open mind. This is my second fanfiction posted here. Please review as soon as you are able with whatever comments you have for me. Flames are welcome; they keep me and my blankey nice 'n toasty at night!

Warning:

The following contains: homosexual intercourse, swearing, angst, and a lonely plot bunny. I'm not sure where this story is going, but it's going.

My Thanks To:

My amazing beta, 7PhoenixAshes. She's helped me so much in this.

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"I wish that without me your heart would break
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake
I wish that without me you couldn't eat
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep"

Kate Nash, "The Nicest Thing"

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It was dark, but not enough to hide the blue outline of the sky between the thin trees. It was raining, but not enough to block out the sound of the wind beating the branch against the window. It was late, but not enough to take away the restlessness in his body. He was upset.

Nothing he did ever went right. His childhood friends were dead. His childhood crush had been adopted into a family of stiffs. His rival was sophisticatedly oblivious to every single word that left his mouth. His bankai wasn't strong enough to make captain. Even though three had defected.

Renji muttered a curse through quivering lips. He was just so sick of it all. Nothing was ever... right. He couldn't find any happiness in what was left in his miserable existence. There was no justice in the world.

He cursed more loudly, sharply biting his lip afterward. He never succeeded in his tasks. He never looked smart when the time was needed. He never grew any stronger. He hated to think this was as far as he would progress.

A strangled shout left his lips, a mix between a curse and a cry. He would never be good enough for anyone, and he was tired of giving people his sympathy, his love, his attention. He scoffed. Who cares? Let 'em burn!

Without another thought, the box cutter darted across his wrist like the dance of his zanpakutou. He was just so sick of it all.

'What are you doing, Renji?' Demanded Zabimaru. Renji only shook his head in response. It was the last thing he wanted to talk to at a time like this. 'If you die, we perish as well.'

Renji bit his lip and watched in rapt fascination as the blood swelled to the surface of his creamy white skin. "Be quiet." He ordered, substance missing from his voice, and returned his new weapon's razor to his skin.

Just a bit of pressure. Just a bit, and it'll be all over.

He shut his eyes tight as he felt it pierce his skin, then cursed at the wetness that followed it's path.

Down the road, not across the street.

Of course, how could he forget? He realigned the blade to run vertically down the length of his forearm. He licked his lips in fear. This was it. There would be nothing after this. He would either be reborn into the world of the living, or sent to hell for suicide.

What does it matter? It's not like I'm happy here.

He swallowed the saliva gathering in his mouth and pressed the tip of the razor to his inner elbow.

I'll make it long. There's no room for a mistake here.

'Renji, you have to stop. This is our body as well.' Zabimaru protested, its wails increasing in tenor as Renji dragged the blade an inch down his skin before stopping, panting heavily in fear.

"Shut up, you fools!" He shouted, grabbing his sword from beside him and pitching it towards the wall, where it unceremoniously hit the floor. He looked back to his arm, where blood was streaming freely onto his pants and bed. He felt tears well up in his eyes and blinked them away, wiping them away on the one sleeve that wasn't rolled to his shoulder. He set his lip in determination. "This will happen tonight."

He felt a knot growing harder in his chest and recognized it as panic. He tried to ignore it down but began trembling, quivering at the tears falling freely down his flushing cheeks.

"I want this..." He drawled, trying to stop his hand from shaking. He could see the vein in the moonlight. He would be exact when he hit his mark. No more mistakes; no more screw ups. He swallowed down the newly formed saliva and wiped away the sweat beading on his forehead with his sleeve. "I want this! Dammit, let me have this!"

His shouts echoed back to him. He was truly alone. There would be no one to save him, to sweep him off his feet. No one would save this princess, this prince; no one would be his knight in shining armor. The truth grew more clear to him as he pressed the box cutter to his skin again, ignoring Zabimaru's shrieks of impending doom.

'We will alert them! We will alert the Seireitei!' It screamed to him before releasing it's full reiatsu. Renji shook his head in dismay, the pressure seeping into the room beginning to effect him. He would have to end this quickly. No more thoughts, no more hesitation. No more. The time was now.

He bit his lip, whimpering, as he pressed the blade firmly into his arm. He trailed it down his skin, whining loudly as it pressed against all the tender parts of his muscles. He was met with a stinging sensation, which turned to burning and throbbing. The wound was long and thin, but struck exactly the place he wanted. A sickening feeling settled over him as he realized too late that there was no going back now. He was going to die. He began shaking as he tried to stop the blood.

Did he want this or not? He shouted to himself to pull it together. There was no time for mistakes. He began to panic as he begged for someone to come. For someone to help him. Dammit, did he want this or not?!

He felt the tears rise anew in his ocher eyes. His tattooed brow knitted together as he bit his lip to the point of bruising. "Zabimaru, I-I don't k-know what... what to... to do..." He hiccuped, sobs racking his body. "You g-gotta help me... T-tell me what t-to do..."

'Foolish child,'Zabimaru cursed. 'Help may not arrive in time. You chose to come to the living world.'

He shook his head violently, crying feverishly as he put more and more pressure on his wound. He lifted it in the air, trying to elevate it, and grabbed a t-shirt from the floor to use as a pressure dressing. He tied it tightly around his forearm, begging anything that would listen to make it stop the bleeding.

He was becoming lightheaded and cried out as the dizziness made the room swim. He couldn't breathe; something was choking him. He told himself it was his imagination, but it did nothing to alleviate the pressure around his windpipe.

He was really going to die.

A series of 'no's left his mouth as he tried to stand, to make it to the door. But his legs buckled from beneath him, and the world grew fuzzy and dim. He couldn't see straight. His eyes settled on Zabimaru, and he crawled to reach his beloved blade.

"Please," he whimpered, trying to draw it from its sheath. "Please!"

He couldn't remove it with one hand, and he put the hilt in between his feet and tried pulling, but he succeeded only in injuring his shoulder. He cried out as he jerked furiously on the scabbard.

"Don't leave me like this, dammit! Come out and help me!"

'You have killed us all! You foolish child, you have murdered us all!' Zabimaru wailed, refusing to open for Renji. Renji sobbed loudly, fighting his blade with all his might. He cursed his stupidity.

This is all their fault! They made me do this thing! They made me do this thing!

He could no longer feel his body. His limbs and his head, they had ceased to exist. Renji hit the floor behind him with an audible thump and cursed again.

"Please, Zabimaru... I don't wanna die... Not here..." He whimpered, not even able to hear his own voice. His vision blurred and he cursed again.

Please... not here...

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Warmth.

A dull heat bathing the length of his toned chest, arms and legs. A slight wind blew in from the south, pulling over him like a blanket. He woke to meet the inerrant rays of the sun. His kimono and obi had been removed, and he was left in his hakama. While lifting an arm to shield his eyes, he saw his bandages. Memories flooded back to him.

"Oh, God..." He whispered huskily, his voice barely audible. "What have I done...?"

He shifted on his side to help give him leverage for sitting up. Once the arduous task had been performed, he could get a good look at where he was. Tall trees on the horizon; behind him, far behind him, a trail of mountains. He was on a hill at the moment; not one very large, just a bump on the earth. It was so...

"Gorgeous..." he muttered.

"I am pleased you think so."

He startled and crawled away from the direction of the voice, turning to the only unexplored area within eye's reach. He gaped as he took in the sight of the elder man.

"T-taichou...!" He gasped, not knowing what else to do but acknowledge his captain. His eyes drifted down to what was attached to his captain's obi; Zabimaru. He listened closely for his zanpakutou's voice, but heard nothing. He was being ignored.

Guess I deserve it.

"Fukutaichou, just what was it you were expecting to gain from committing such an act?"

Renji's eyes narrowed. There was no way in hell he was answering that question. He fell back on the grass, hands clasping together behind his neck and gazing at the areas of the sky that didn't put his eyes in direct contact with the sun.

He expected to feel different somehow, maybe weaker. More lifeless. Less erratic. But here he was, starting an argument with the man he hated just as easily as he had opened his eyes. The sadness hadn't left him.

A warm wind swept through the grass, blowing against their bodies and whipping through their hair.

"What would you have me do, fukutaichou? Leave you to die as you cried so feverishly for help?"

"I di'n't cry," Renji protested, cheeks burning. He wouldn't be outdone by this man, not again. He would not be humiliated. Byakuya shook his head, the action going unnoticed by his subordinate. Looking away, back to the forest, Renji sighed. "Where are we?"

"The realm of the living." He answered. The wind died down, and they were left in relative quiet again. The type of peace acquired only when confronted by your angry superior. "They're searching for us."

"Who? The Seireitei?"

Silence was answer enough. Renji sighed at the thought of being subjected to that miserable life again.

"I'm not goin' back."

Byakuya looked down at his fukutaichou with vague curiosity, an immaculate eyebrow lifting on a whim. "Oh?"

"Yeah. An' I ain't your fukutaichou any more. I resign."

"You..." he began, humor tinging his voice. "resign?"

"Yeah." Renji replied, finally becoming sure of what he'd said. "Yeah, I do."

The clouds were amazing; nothing like in the Seireitei. They were like ripped cotton, being spread and torn across the sky in thick lines. He wished he could watch them forever, without any distractions. No more Hollows, no more fukutaichou duties. No more taichou. He chuckled at that last one. He threaded his fingers in the thick green grass around him. When he pulled, only a few pieces broke off and he held them to his face for examination. So healthy; so... alive.

"Why?"

Such a simple word, but it seared the silence as cleanly as hot iron. He couldn't answer at first. What was he supposed to say? Because he hated being confined to a useless existence? Because he wanted to break away from the grip his 'companions' had on him? The blades of grass fell limply from his hand as he replaced it behind his head again.

"For release." He said darkly. He shouldn't have to explain himself to one of the main reasons of the attempt.

He heard the ruffling of robes as his captain came to sit beside him. They sat like that for a while; Byakuya gazing calmly at him, his expression unreadable. Renji merely kept his eyes pointed to the sky, doing all he could not to look at the man.

"There are many methods of gaining release, Renji-kun."

Renji was visibly stunned as he looked at his taichou. He'd never referred to Renji as anything other than his rank and last name. To hear it now, from the lips of this stoic man, felt... oddly pleasing. He felt his cheeks light on fire.

Renji observed the man observing him.

"Many men choose more conventional methods. Rarely is suicide chosen over the more... pleasurable others." Byakuya continued.

Renji felt, more than heard, the implications in his captain's words.

'He shouldn't have done it. He could've turned to anything: sex, drugs, violence...'

Yeah, he got that already. Renji huffed and looked away.

"What do you know?" He spat, brow furrowing.

"Plenty." He stated. "I have watched you change drastically over the years. I never expected to tame you, but I did not foresee..."

A beat. Renji looked towards his feet.

"Why?" He asked again. "What would happen to our division were you to die, fukutaichou?"

Ah, back to that again. Of course the moment wouldn't last. Renji sighed at the lack of his name on his captain's lips and looked him in the eyes.

"For release." Renji replied again. He would say it as many times as Byakuya needed.

"Why would you go to such great lengths for release when you had it right here?" Byakuya finally asked. Renji's eyes widened. Had he heard him right? Surely he hadn't. And if he had, surely he had meant something other than...

"Whu' do you mean?" He drawled, fingers clenching of their own accord behind his head. Byakuya watched him carefully, plotting out his next move. Renji could see the hesitance in his eyes. "Oi, if you got something to say, then say it. We shouldn't be having all this shit between us. I'm so sick of dealing with your secretive bull."

Byakuya looked mildly surprised with the manner his fukutaichou was speaking to him. He raised an eyebrow again at the rudeness before parting his lips to speak. Renji twitched at the action, ears attentive. Byakuya glared harshly at the expectant look on his subordinate's face.

"You're saying you are no longer my fukutaichou?"

Renji sighed at the direction the conversation was heading. He looked back at the sky. "Che. What of it?"

"Then am I correct in assuming you no longer accept the laws Seireitei holds over you? That you are... free from them?" He continued, surprising the boy all the more.

Renji glanced fitfully back at his captain. "Wha...? I guess so, why?"

"That you are no longer my fukutaichou." Byakuya concluded yet again. Renji stiffened and nodded.

"I jus' answered that." He spat.

They sat in an extremely uneasy silence.

Renji sighed loudly, eyes shutting in irritation.

"I'm so sick of all this shit you put in between us." Renji said, voice low and contemplative. His eyes opened to see how close...

Renji was shocked when he felt a pair of lips descend over his.

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A/N:

R/R, please.