Polaris

Jimmy Eat World

I'll say it straight and plain
I know I've made mistakes
I've always been afraid
I've always been afraid

A thousand nights or more
I travelled east and north
Please answer the door

Can you tell me
You say that love goes anywhere
In your darkest time, it's just enough to know it's there
When you go, I'll let you be
But you're kill everything in me

Get down on your knees
Whisper what I need
Something pretty
Something pretty

I feel that when I'm old
I'll look at you and know
The world was beautiful

Then you tell me
You say that love goes anywhere
In your darkest time, it's just enough to know it's there
When you go, I'll let you be
But you're killing everything in me

Hey, I'm still working on the update to Sky Blue and Black, but I've been on such a post-finale high that I couldn't wait until next year to think about The Choice. Here's my version of season three, mostly MerDer, but some Alex/Izzie, Burketina, and MAYBE George/Callie later on. But like I said, mainly MerDer, because that's my ship.

"Meredith."

"Meredith?"

Damn.

Meredith looks from Finn, who is looking confused, to Derek. Derek is giving her their look. He is speaking to her with his eyes. Telling her to come with him.

What had she been thinking? Sleeping with him. Well, scratch that. She knew what she was thinking. She was thinking how perfect it all felt. She was thinking about how long she'd waited to feel his lips on hers.

She was thinking that, for the first time, they had been honest, with their selves and each other. She had admitted out loud that she was not okay, despite telling Addison she had moved on, telling Finn they were just friends, or telling Derek she was all glued back together.

"Meredith?"

Finn's voice risen a little. She isn't looking at him. Her eyes are locked on Derek's.

Finn or Derek?

Her head and her heart are in a battle, and she doesn't know who she wants to win.

How is Derek even a choice? He's married! He has a wife, her good 'friend' Addison, and he has the nerve to ask her what the sex meant?

But.

How is Finn a choice? She doesn't love him. She's trying, but she can't, and she knows she won't. But he's sweet, and he's funny, and she has fun with him. He's the safe, easy choice. But how much did she hate it when Derek took the safe choice?

"Meredith."

Unlike Finn, Derek's isn't a question. The way he says her name says so much more.

She doesn't make it impossible for me to feel normal. She doesn't make me sick to my stomach when I think about my veterinarian touching her with his hands!

Right now, looking at you. . .damn, I have all kinds of plans.

"Meredith?"

"Meredith."

"I. . ." She looks at Finn now. "I need to go check on Izzie. I'll call you later?"

Finn nods, his eyes darting from her to Derek. Shit. Now they're going to have to have The Talk. The 'what's the story between you and Derek and how do you feel about him now

Meredith turns and starts down the stairs that Izzie, George, and Alex went down minutes earlier. Was it only minutes? It seemed like forever, as if the moments with her standing between Finn and Derek had stretched on for months.

Finn gives Derek a look as if he wants to say something, but he doesn't. He turns and Derek watches him until he's out of the hospital door.

Then Derek follows her. "Meredith!"

He runs down the stairs to catch up with her. "Derek, not now. . ." She goes faster but he catches her arms and she whirls around to face him. "I meant it, I'm going to see Izzie-"

"Fine, but can't we. . .can't we just talk first?"

"No, we can't. Because you're asking me what that meant. And I should be asking you. Because you're the one who's married. You are not an option for me."

"Meredith." His voice has grown soft. "Didn't you get what I was saying. I love you. I've been trying not to, but. . .I do."

She can't keep looking. "Then why are you still with her?"

He doesn't answer. She pulls back from him. "I have to go." She turns before he can see the tears in her eyes. He actually said 'I love you'.

She hears his footsteps behind her. "Mer, come on. We can't just leave it like this."

"It's not me who can do anything about it, Derek!"

He is left standing at the foot of the steps and she keeps going to the lobby to find Izzie, Alex, and George sitting around in chairs.

"Hey."

Izzie's mascara has smeared under her red rimmed, puffy eyes. She looks at Meredith but doesn't speak.

Meredith meets George's eyes. "You ready to go home?"

Izzie nods wordlessly and Alex takes her hand as they stand up from the chair. Surprising all of them, she looks at Alex and says softly, "You'll come, too, won't you?"

He flushes slightly and swallows. "Yeah, Iz, I'll come. You know I will." He seems to hesitate slightly, then slips his hand into hers.

Together they walk out the door and into the parking lot. Alex and Izzie first, then George, then Meredith. Just before she closes the door, Meredith looks behind her, and sees him sitting there, on the top step.

Their eyes meet for a second. Then he looks down at his hands, clasped in front of him, and she moves out the door into the cool night air, smelling of rain that was falling earlier.

The ride back is silent. Izzie and Alex are in the back, Meredith drives, George in the passenger seat. Everyone is lost in their own thoughts.

A couple blocks from the house, Izzie slowly starts to sob again. They soon become muffled as she presses her face against Alex's shoulder. Meredith glances in the rearview mirror and looks at them, then at George.

Inside the house, Izzie walks straight toward her bedroom, muttering, "I need to get out of this stupid. . .dress. . ."

The others follow. She is paused in the doorway, looking at the other formal dresses thrown on the floor. She picks up a long, black one. "This is the first one I put on. . .it would've been fine. . .if I'd have worn this one. . .I may have been there. . .in time. . .to. . .save him. . ." She's sobbing and Meredith gently takes the dress from her.

"Izzie. . .it's not your fault."

"But I. . .

"No, Izzie, listen to me. It is not. Your. Fault. You tried everything to save him. You had no way of knowing."

"Yeah." She says softly, her voice cracking. Alex steps in and holds her, while George and Meredith slowly back into the hallway.

"So. . ."

"Yeah."

"I think I'm going to go to bed." George nods at Izzie's door. "I think Alex has that covered."

"Yeah. Okay. Goodnight."

George walks off to his bedroom and Meredith watches until she's alone, then she turns and then she sinks down on the floor in the hallway and leans against the wall, cradling her head in her arms.

She should probably call Finn. But she doesn't want to talk to him. She doesn't want to deal with that. She wants to go back to the examining room, back to just her and Derek, not thinking about what has to happen after it was over.

Meredith, what does this mean?

XXXXXXXXX

Derek bursts into the trailer. Addison is there already. "Can you believe that?" She asks.

For a moment, he doesn't know what he's talking about. "Oh, Dr. Stevens. Yeah, that was. . ." He exhales.

"Miranda was telling me about how she cut Denny's L-vad wire to get him that heart." Addison shakes her head in disbelief.

"She loved him." He sits on the foot of the bed and begins untying his shoes.

Addison moves closer to him.

"Addison. . ." He pauses. "We need to talk."

Her eyebrows knit together. "Okay."

"The other day, what you said. About not being Meredith. Aren't you-"

"I was jealous, Derek. Like I said, we get jealous. But it's okay."

"Yeah." He closes his eyes in frustration. She blew his opening. Now he's lost his nerve. He swallows the whole speech he has prepared, the speech he's been practicing mentally since he left the hospital.

Meredith's smile as she hugged Finn when she first arrived at the prom flashes in his mind. "Yeah, we get jealous."

XXXXXXXX

Meredith is thinking hard. About Finn, Addison, Derek. Everything. About George. Christina and Burke. Alex and Izzie. Izzie and Denny. Why is love so hard? No one is having an easy time with it lately. For her, never.

Tears fill her eyes and spill over onto her cheeks in spite of her attempts to stop them. She wants someone to tell her what to do, she wants all this to just work out and fix itself.

The door to Izzie's room opens and Alex steps quietly out. He sees her sitting on the floor and joins her, his back on the opposite wall from her. "She's asleep, finally." He looks exhausted. He peers at Meredith. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"Come on, tell me. I'm in comforting mode." He flashes a quick grin.

Then, because she wants to tell someone, and it can't be Izzie or Christina for now as they've got their own problems, and it can't be George for obvious reasons, she tells Alex. "I had sex with Derek."

He stares at her blankly. "Like. . .recently?"

"Like, tonight. During prom."

Alex allows himself a brief grin. "Ha, high school flashback." Meredith narrows her eyes at him. "Sorry. So. . .whoa. Where were Dr. Dolittle and Madame Vagina?"

"We ditched them on the dance floor. I mean. . ." She rolls her eyes. "Not like we planned it. He, Derek, was looking at me. And I told Finn I'd be right back. And Derek followed me. And we yelled. And he kissed me. And then we were just kinda. . ."

"Whoa. . ." Alex's eyes have widened. "So what does that. . .what does that mean?"

Meredith smiles humorlessly. "I don't know. He asked me that. And I told him I should be asking him. He's the one who's married." Alex nods, and Meredith's smile drops. "But I have to break up with Finn. I can't feel like that for him, as much as I try."

"Maybe. . ." Alex shifts his weight. "Maybe Shepard is. . .damn it, I'm out. Sorry, Mer."

"It's fine. I can't figure out anything about this, I don't expect you to."

He lays a hand on her shoulder. "You'll figure it out."

She looks at him gratefully, then shudders. "I'm a dirty mistress. Again. And this time it was worse, because I knew he was married, and I have a boyfriend, and his wife wasn't across the country she was in the next room, and they weren't separated and. . ." She groans. "I'm so stupid."

"Well, you love him." Alex's voice is quieter. "Love makes people do stupid things sometime. I mean, look at Izzie."

Meredith studies him. "It's really good that you're there for her, Alex. She needs you."

"No, she needs Denny." He can't conceal a hint of bitterness in his tone. "Jesus, now I'm jealous of a guy who just died. I am an ass."

Meredith smiles slightly. "You're not."

"Thanks. And you're not an evil mistress. Well. . .not the evil part, anyway."

"Gee, thanks."

Alex grins and stands up from the hallway. "Mind if I crash on the couch?"

"Go ahead." Meredith stands up as well.

"Going to bed?"

"No, I'm going out for awhile. I need. . .I don't know. I'm going out."

Alex shrugs and nods. They walk downstairs together, but while Alex stretches out on the couch, Meredith leaves the house and gets in the car, driving without being sure where she's going.