Welcome to Coming Attractions! I'm your host, Jay Sherman. Here with me today, all the way from Springfield, Massachusetts, is up-and-coming film critic Bart Simpson!

Thanks, Jay. By the way, Springfield isn't in Massachusetts.

Sorry, Bart. I meant to say Springfield, Illinois.

Wrong again, Jay.

Springfield, Missouri?

Gettin' colder.

Well, whatever state you're from, Bart, it's great to have you on the show. For those viewers who are wondering, I met Bart while judging at the Springfield Film Festival. He expressed an interest in becoming a film critic.

Yeah, because then I can get into all the movies for free!

Er, maybe I didn't explain that part well enough to you. As a film critic, you would have to watch every movie that comes out.

Even the ones that suck?

Hehe. Well, Bart, how do you know if a movie, er, stinks if you haven't seen it?

Everything's in the trailer, man. If the trailer sucks, the movie sucks.

And what if the trailer doesn't…stink?

Then it's your job to tell us if it sucks.

Achem. Bart, you do realize that we're on national TV, and some viewers may be bothered by your use of the word 'sucks'.

Sorry, Jay. I won't say 'sucks' anymore.

Thanks, Bart. Now let's move on to our first feature…

Is it okay to say 'booger'?

Oy… Yes, Bart, you can say 'booger' all you want.

What about 'wedgie'?

'Wedgie' is acceptable too. Our first feature is the new Rainier Wolfcastle drama, "Help! My Son Is a Nerd!"

Oh, man! That movie suck…er, succeeded at being a disaster. I give it three thumbs way down.

I'm afraid I'll have to disagree with you, Bart. Wolfcastle's performance was so convincingly emotional, it almost brought me to tears.

I almost cried too, but only because my mom wouldn't let me buy another 64-ounce Pepsi. She thought I was trying to make myself have to pee so I could get out of the theatre.

And Vin Diesel displayed extraordinary range as his misunderstood son. I couldn't believe it was him behind those Coke-bottle glasses.

What happened to Vin Diesel, man? He used to be cool.

Here's a short clip of Diesel…

I tried to be a star quarterback like you wanted, Dad. But my math grades were slipping. I had to do something to bring them up, or I'd face academic suspension. So I opened my algebra book and started studying. I can't quite remember what happened after that, but when I woke up the next morning, I was wearing these glasses…

…followed by a clip of Wolfcastle…

There are no words to express my anger and keep a PG rating! I thought I had raised you better than this! Consider our father-son relationship…terminated! Take your textbooks and get out of my house! And when you find a place to stay, give me your phone number so I can harangue you further!

Such pathos! Moments like this are what prompted me to become a film critic.

Moments like this are what prompt me to wedgie every nerd I see.

Achem…

Last week I poured hot sauce down Martin's pants and gave him a wedgie. He fell on his butt and started rolling around and screaming. Nelson taped the whole thing. I'm sure he'd sell you a copy for a reasonable price. You could use it on your show in place of these lame movie scenes.

Er, thank you very much, Bart. After this commercial break, we'll look at the first sequel of the summer sequel season, "Pirates of the Caribbean II: The Curse of the Rabid Fangirl"!

Now that's one for the ages, man.

We're off the air, Jay.

WHY, YOU LITTLE…!