Past and Present
"Callen, I've got a problem," Kensi said into her cell, "Deeks is sick."
"What's wrong with him?" Callen asked as he tried to remember if Deeks had looked sick that morning at the OPS Center.
"He seemed fine when we got to the school," she told him, "but when the Principal came up to introduce himself, Deeks stopped and just stood there with a weird look on his face. When the guy tried to shake Deeks' hand, he said, 'Don't touch me' to the guy and then he looked at me and said he couldn't do this and turned and practically ran out the door. I found him outside throwing up into the bushes."
"Well, the school ought to be real happy about that." Callen said and she knew there was a smart-ass smirk on his face. "Better take your sick boy home and give him some Pepto-Bismol."
"Yuck!" Kensi remembered hating that stuff as a child.
Kensi finished her conversation just as the principal came out to see what was happening. She didn't think she would mention the little surprise in the bushes and just told him her partner wasn't feeling well and that she would be back to interview him a little later.
"Sorry to hear that," Principal Grimes said with a quizzical look on his face. "If you don't mind my asking, what's your partner's name? He looks kind of familiar."
"Detective Marty Deeks." Kensi replied, "Why, do you know him?"
"Yes, or I should say, I did," Grimes said, "His father was my best friend when Marty was a child. Of course, that was before his mother changed his name." He stared at Deeks sitting in the car for a moment longer and then gave her a sick little grin before turning and walking back inside. For some reason, Kensi felt the hair rise up on the back of her neck, and she had goose bumps on her arms.
"What's up, partner?" She asked as she got in behind the wheel. He didn't answer, he just kept staring straight ahead, and she noticed his left hand was shaking. "Deeks, what's wrong?"
"Just take me home, OK?" He asked and turned to look back at the school. He was silent all the way back to his place. He got out and never looked at her or said anything to her; he just walked up the stairs and went inside.
"Callen, I think we have a problem," And Kensi told him what the principal had said and about Deeks' reaction. "Do you think Hetty might know what's going on?"
"She's the only one that might, 'cause I have no idea?" Callen said.
When Kensi got back to OSP, Hetty listened to her story without saying a word. She called Callen and Sam over to join them before she sat back in her chair and thought for a few minutes. Then she picked up the phone and asked Nell Jones to find out everything she could about Principal Harry Grimes.
"You're right Miss Blye, we do have a problem." Hetty said. "I think you should go back to Mr. Deeks' apartment and check on him, while Miss Jones is doing a little research on our high school principal."
After Kensi left, Hetty looked at her two agents and told them that this might get complicated and asked them to take over Deeks' part of the current case.
"Hetty, What's going on with him?" Callen always wanted to know everything, but Hetty wasn't quite ready to share all her knowledge about Deeks' background.
"When I think you should know something Mr. Callen, I will tell you." Hetty told him stubbornly, and got up and headed up to speak with Nell.
...
Kensi knocked on Deeks' door several times, but got no answer. She was about to let herself in, when a neighbor saw her and told her he had gone surfing. She should have known. That's what he always did when he needed to think things through. She decided to come back after it got dark. Maybe he would be willing to talk to her once he got things sorted out in his own mind. She was pretty sure all of this had something to do with that creepy principal. Hopefully, when she came back after dinner Deeks would fill her in on the details. She was worried. When Deeks wasn't talking, there was definitely something wrong.
...
"Callen, can you and Sam come over to Deeks' place?" Kensi was breathing hard and Callen thought she sounded frightened, and Kensi didn't frighten easily.
"On our way. What's up?"
"Just hurry." And then she hung up.
...
When Sam and Callen walked into Deeks' apartment, it looked like a tornado had ripped through it. Books were scattered all over the place and in the kitchen was a mess of broken plates and glasses.
"Kensi!" Callen yelled as they both pulled their weapons and moved through the living room.
"In the bedroom," Kensi spoke quietly, and the two men lowered their guns.
They found her kneeling on the floor next to Deeks, who was sitting in the corner his knees pulled tight to his chest. He was sweating and shaking and began to hyperventilate. He didn't seem to notice they were in the room. He just stared into space with a blank look on his face.
"This is how I found him." Kensi said quietly, "He didn't even acknowledged I was here, and he hasn't spoken a word."
"Let me, Kens," Sam said. He sat down next to Deeks and put his arm around him and pulled him into his arms, hugging him and slowly rubbing his back. Deeks breathing slowly began to become more regular and he finally closed his eyes, and they saw tears run down his cheek. Sam held him for almost half an hour, before he opened his eyes and looked at them.
"What the hell are you doing here?" He asked sitting up and looking at each of them, then he softly said, "Get out!" And jumped up and walked quickly into the living room.
They all looked at each other and followed him. "Where's Nate when you need him," Callen mumbled.
Sam walked up to Deeks and grabbed him by the shoulders and pushed him against a wall and held him there. "We're here because Kensi called us, and when we got here you were in the middle of a panic attack. Now talk to us, Deeks, what set this off?"
Deeks' head dropped to his chest and Sam pulled him away from the wall and sat him in a chair.
He took several deep breaths and wiped his eyes and asked for a glass of water.
"Deeks, I don't think you have any glasses left, you broke 'em all." Callen told him as Kensi came out of the bathroom with an unbroken glass and punched Callen in the arm.
After Deeks had his water, he leaned forward, his elbows on his knees and looked down at the floor and began to talk. His voice was hoarse and very shaky.
"My dad and his best friend used to play cards and drink beer in the kitchen on Saturday afternoons. Lots of beer. Once, when my dad's friend was getting another beer, I started moving the guy's cards around, and when he saw what I was doing, he backhanded me across the room into a wall. Then he picked me up..." Deeks stopped and swallowed hard, but then continued, "...he picked me up and shoved me over to where my dad was sitting and held my hand down on the table...I remember they were laughing and..." Deeks stopped again and Kensi came and sat next to him, putting her hand on his shoulder, as he struggled to go on. "...and then my dad picked up his beer bottle and...slammed it down on my hand." They all held their breath as he finished. "I was six years old. That principal we met today, Kens, was my dad's best friend."
No one knew what to say, they just remained still, stunned by what he had told them. Finally he got up and walked out to the balcony and Kensi followed him, wrapping her arms around him and holding him as hot tears ran down his face.
Sam and Callen looked at each other and Sam could see that Callen's eyes were red.
"G, you OK?" Sam asked.
"I saw one of my foster parents break a kid's fingers once, because he took food without permission," Callen said softly, still watching Deeks, "I ran away the next day. I was ten and it wasn't done to me and it wasn't my father doing it. Sam, that wasn't the only time that guy did something to Deeks."
"Yeah, sounds like his dad was a piece of work, too. Six years old. What kind of man does that to a small child? How do you deal with that at six, G?" Sam's face looked pained as he tried to fathom the childhood that Deeks must had endured.
"He must have buried all of it, deep down," Callen said quietly, "and then seeing that guy today brought all those memories flooding back to the surface. No wonder he had a panic attack."
"The guy's lucky Deeks didn't shoot him." Sam said, and they looked at each other and wondered if it had crossed Deeks' mind to do just that.
Deeks walked back in looking embarrassed and quickly glanced at the two and then looked down at the floor. "I'm sorry I lost it. It won't happen again. But, thanks."
"You don't have to apologize to us, Deeks," Sam walked over and put his arm around his shoulder and pulled him in for a bear hug. "Just take care of yourself and call us if you need us, OK?"
"Thanks, Sam," he said, still unable to look at them.
Callen started to say something but his emotions suddenly welled up and all he could do was grip Deeks' arm. When he looked up at him, Callen's eyes watered quickly with tears and the intensity of his look surprised Deeks. Understanding and a look of recognition passed between them, then Callen turned and followed Sam out the door.
...
Callen reported the night's events to Hetty early the next morning, and she immediately called Deeks and made him take a leave of absence. He didn't want to and kept apologizing, but Hetty was insistent and he finally agreed.
Kensi began working with Callen and Sam, stopping by every night to see Deeks. He seemed better each time she saw him, but there was a distance between them that hadn't been there before, and she didn't like it or know what to do about it. In the first few days, he never mentioned the principal or the panic attack. Sometimes he would just stare into space without speaking for long periods of time, and she worried he was going to have another attack. He didn't joke with her like he used to either, and she missed that.
She brought over a pizza about a week into his leave, when he asked, "Have you talked to him?" with a hurt and haunted look in his eyes. The question made her flinch, since it was the first time he had brought it up.
"No, not yet," she said, putting her hand over his.
He got up and went to stand by the window, and as he looked out he told her, "My dad made me call him Uncle Harry, can you believe that?" and then he laughed softly, startling her. "God, I hated that guy. I guess I still do. Until I saw him last week I hadn't thought about him in years. I buried all that as deep as I could a long, long time ago. After my dad went to prison when I was eleven, my mom wouldn't let him come over anymore. It's been a long time, but I haven't forgotten any of the things he and my dad did to me."
He turned to look at her and the sadness on his face made her heart turn over. But then he scared her when he said, "I thought about killing him, Kens. That night you found me, that's what I was thinking about. When I decided I couldn't do it, that's when I had the panic attack."
He sat down and took her hands in his and kissed each one and then he looked at her and she saw tears brimming in his eyes. "I'm never going to be free of all those memories, am I Kens?" Then he rose slowly and walked out to the balcony. He was starting to frighten her so she followed him. She put her arm around him as he leaned out into the sun.
"After my mom died, I had a lot of bad dreams. He was in all of them. He and my dad. Best friends. I was seventeen and living on the streets most of the time then, and one day he walked past me in a park. I had a panic attack then, too. I still had the gun Ray had given me and that night I sat with in my lap, wondering what it would be like not to have all those nightmares. I had no one, Kens, I was completely alone, and..." He stopped and hugged her so tightly she almost couldn't breathe.
"I thought about killing myself, Kens," he said softly.
"Oh God," she said, and made him look at her and hugged him with fear pounding in her heart. "You're not alone anymore, Marty, do you hear me, you're not alone now."
"I know, but I was then," he said quietly, "but I thought of my mom, and I knew it would have broken her heart. She always wanted me to be happy, and so I fought that urge then, because of her, and I fought the urge to kill Grimes last week, because of you."
They stood in the sun holding each other for a long, long time.
...
The case the team was working on had gone nowhere for weeks, but all of a sudden, the man they had been looking for popped up on Eric's electronic radar, and it was hot again. They were tracking a Navy Lieutenant named Peter Shaw, who had killed his wife and young daughter and who had tried to kill his teenage son, Jason. He went to the high school where Harry Grimes was Principal.
...
Principal Harry Grimes was an average looking man with sandy red hair and freckles that were sprinkled across his cheeks. His eyes were a light hazel color that seemed to change to a darker shade when he was angry. He had a cruel looking mouth and full lips. He hardly ever smiled and when he did it seemed forced. He was a hard man according to his staff and very few of the teachers liked him. When Nell researched his past, she discovered he had been married and divorced, with two sons who lived out of state. He was an average man who had beaten his wife so severely when she told him she wanted a divorce that she spent two weeks in the hospital, and when she was released, she fled the state, taking both boys with her and disappeared. No charges were filed.
Grimes came up quietly behind the three agents as they stood outside the principal's office.
"How may I assist you," he asked them, shaking hands with each of them.
"We're here to speak with you about Jason Shaw." Callen informed him. Everyone was trying very hard to be polite, and Sam and Kensi were having a hard time doing that.
Callen let Grimes know what had occurred with Shaw and his family and that they expected to be notified if the boy's father showed up, and that they wanted Kensi to be allowed to go undercover at the school to protect the boy. Grimes agreed to it all, and then he walked them outside.
"Where's Marty Deeks today?" he asked, "His dad and I were best friends when he was little, although he might not remember me. I tried to see him after the incident with his father, but his mother was a bitch and wouldn't let me."
Sam and Callen stared at Kensi and all three were shocked into silence by what had just come out of the man's mouth.
"And what incident was that, Mr. Grimes?" Sam said harshly, moving towards the man, before Callen held him back.
"Oh, didn't he tell you?" Grimes smiled a knowing, sickly little smile, "the little shit shot his own father when he was a kid. And his dad was the one who went to jail. I'm not surprised he wouldn't tell you, he should be ashamed. Now I find out he's a cop. Boy, his dad would get a big laugh out of that."
Sam and Callen looked at each other in shock at this new information. Kensi remembered Deeks revealing how he had shot someone when he was eleven, but he never said it was his father. She was as shocked as the guys were. No one spoke as they tried to process the information and compare it to what Deeks had told them after his panic attack.
Deeks' childhood was starting to sound like a horror movie, Sam thought, and he knew this guy in front of them probably had a starring role. All Kensi wanted to do was go to Deeks and ask him what had happened, but she wasn't sure that was such a good idea. Callen knew there was more to the story than this creep was telling, and he knew Hetty would know the details. If they were going to have to deal with Principal Grimes during this operation, then they needed to know a lot more about the guy.
"We'll be in touch, Mr. Grimes," Callen said, not trusting himself to respond to the principal's revelation about Deeks. He felt an aversion to the man, and he wasn't sure he liked the idea of Kensi being undercover with this guy so close by. He was glad Deeks was on a leave of absence. The comment Sam had made about the possibility of Deeks shooting this guy didn't seem so far fetched now that he had met him.
"Say hi to Marty for me," Grimes said with a knowing grin, "I taught him a lot when he was little, maybe he'll remember. Tell him Uncle Harry does."
Kensi was getting seriously creeped out by this guy, and she shivered at his parting comment. She was glad Deeks was off this case and didn't have to be around him. She wasn't sure he would have been able to control his emotions around the guy.
When the three got back in the car, their feelings of revulsion towards the man were tangible.
"I'd be surprised if Deeks didn't want to shoot this guy," Sam said, looking at Callen, who looked back at Kensi to see a hooded look in her eyes.
"Kens, is there something you're not telling us?" Callen asked.
"He did think about it." Kensi answered him, her voice shaky and fearful. "He told me that's what he was considering just before we found him at his apartment. The panic attack came after he decided not to do it."
They rode in silence back to the OSP Center, each one contemplating what would have happened if Deeks had acted on his impulse. Callen wondered just how close he must be to the edge to even think about killing someone in cold blood. But he also knew that a childhood like the one he and Deeks had lived through left you vulnerable to flashbacks just like soldiers on a battlefield. A child has no control over a parent and what they can subject you to, and Callen knew you either suffered through the terror or you ran. He had run, again and again, but he only had himself to consider. Deeks suffered through it all because he had a mother he loved and wouldn't leave behind to go through the terror alone. He had been a brave kid, Callen thought, and his father and Harry Grimes had made him pay for that.
Back at the OSP Center, Callen sat down in front of Hetty, and told her everything they had just learned and he could see her cringing just as they had.
"Hetty, you need to keep Deeks away for as long as it takes for him to get himself under control," Callen told her.
"I know Mr. Callen," Hetty sighed and leaned forward, looking hard at Callen, and asked, "How much did Grimes tell you about the shooting?"
"Just that Deeks shot his father when he was a kid, " he replied, wondering if she would give him additional details. She wasn't one to share personal information about her agents with anyone, including their partners.
"And Deeks hasn't mentioned the incident to any of you?" Hetty asked as she weighed the pros and cons of telling Callen everything. " I won't tell you the whole story, because I think Mr. Deeks has the right to share that information if he so chooses, but I will tell you that he shot his father in self defense. Now Mr. Callen, we need to get back to the case at hand. Lieutenant Peter Shaw."
...
Kensi went undercover at the high school the next day. She was introduced to the staff as a writer doing a story about high school students' opinions about higher education. She was given access to every classroom, which meant she was able to keep very close to Jason Shaw throughout the day. She rarely ran into Grimes and if she did see him in the halls, she was able to avoid him. At night, she continued to go by Deeks' apartment, but, although he knew she was undercover at the school, he never asked about Grimes. He was curious about Shaw, however, asking questions about his fifteen year old son, Jason. She knew that he identified with the boy, and he would have been the undercover on the case, if Grimes weren't in the picture. He kept apologizing for letting everyone down, and leaving her without backup.
After a week, the team began to wonder if Lieutenant Shaw was still in the neighborhood, since Eric couldn't find any electronic trails to indicate where he was exactly. When they did get a hint about his whereabouts it wasn't close to the neighborhood the school was in. Callen and Sam drove up to check out the lead, letting Kensi know to watch her back.
...
Deeks was starting to go stir crazy in his apartment. He was tired of old movies and wasn't interested in the remaining books he had yet to read. He wanted to do something, so he decided to call Kensi and arrange a "date" for dinner out. He'd had all the pizza and beer he could take for a while, and he actually felt like dressing up and going to a decent restaurant.
Kensi usually picked up her calls by the second ring, so after the fourth ring, he started to worry. When she didn't pick up after the sixth ring, he knew something was wrong. He quickly called Eric at the OSP Center.
"Eric, Kensi's not picking up her phone," Deeks practically shouted at the tech. "Can you alert Callen?"
"Deeks, he and Sam are about a half hour away checking out a lead." Eric motioned to Nell that there was a problem and she immediately called Hetty.
"Call them and tell Hetty I'm going to the school," Deeks grabbed his weapon and raced for his car. His heart was pounding and his anger was building. She wouldn't be in this situation if he had been on the job.
...
Lieutenant Shaw had come onto the campus through a back gate by the football field. He knew the campus well, since he had been a student at the school. He moved quickly as he made his way inside the main building. He knew his son's class schedule, and he intended to end this once and for all. He would kill his son as he had always intended to do and then he would kill himself and everything would be as it was supposed to be. He smiled at the perfection of it all, as he moved towards the principal's office. He and Grimes had always seen eye to eye on discipline, and now Grimes was going to help him find his boy and be his witness.
Grimes had just stepped into the hall, when he felt the cold muzzle of a gun under his right ear. He froze. Fear rippled through his stomach, and he felt dizzy from it.
"Hello, Principal Grimes," Shaw said in a whisper, a smile on his lips, "I need you to take me to my son, or I'm going to kill you where you stand."
Grimes began to tremble violently, and tears formed in his eyes. He did not intend to die today, so he gathered himself and spoke quietly to Shaw.
"They have a undercover officer guarding your son," Grimes told him, "I can help you, Shaw, I can point her out to you."
"Then let's go find this officer, and just maybe I'll let you go home for dinner after I finish what I came to do." Shaw shoved the principal down the hall, his gun resting on Grimes shoulder.
Kensi was sitting in the back of Jason's last class, when the bell rang. She had spoken with him earlier and he had asked if he could talk with her before he went home to his Aunt's house. He was a good kid, young for his age, with soft wavy hair and brown eyes. He wasn't very big, and the hell he was going through caused him to kind of curl into himself wherever he was. She felt such sympathy for him, and she couldn't help but think of Deeks and how similar the two were, both trying to come to terms with the fact that their own fathers had tried to kill them.
"Ms. Blye, may I speak to you please," Principal Grimes called to her from the front of the room, motioning for her to come towards him.
Kensi asked Jason to give her a minute and walked up to where the principal was waiting for her. As she reach him she could see he was sweating and nervous and she put her hand on her gun just as Lieutenant Shaw stepped inside the door and fired, hitting Kensi in the upper chest and sending her crashing to the floor.
Jason started to run but his father yelled, "Stay right where you are, son, I have some things to tell you." His eyes were wide and glassy and he had a slight smile on his face. Grimes couldn't stop shaking as Shaw began to talk to his crying son, who was afraid to move.
...
Deeks moved silently through the empty school. The sounds of jostling teenagers were absent now and somehow that was haunting to him. Fear lay just below the surface, as he thought about all the reasons why Kensi would not have answered her phone. But the dread he felt weighed heavily on him and he tried not to think about what might have happened to her. Eric had informed him which classroom Jason and Kensi should be in, and he gripped his gun tighter as he approached it, listening intensely for voices.
Then he heard Shaw speaking in a monotone about all the reasons he had for what he was about to do, and how everything was his son's fault and anger flashed through Deeks' body. As he moved along the far wall of the hall, he could see the boy standing next to a desk, his fingers white where he gripped the edge. He was shaking and tears streamed down his face. Deeks couldn't see Shaw, so he knew he must be at the front of the classroom.
As he moved slightly to his left, he saw Kensi. She was lying on the floor, blood seeping from the bullet hole in her chest and he almost cried out. He fought to steady himself, but wasn't sure he could, his fear was so great. He didn't know what he would do if he lost her. He loved her, and he needed her so desperately that he felt himself begin to lose control. Then the anger that had been building inside him took over and he steeled himself and moved quickly to the door, stepping inside and moving quickly into position between the boy and his father. He was stunned to see Grimes standing next to Shaw, and Grimes jumped when he saw Deeks, alerting the Lieutenant who had zoned out, a glazed look in his eyes.
"LAPD, drop the gun," Deeks commanded loudly, and taking aim at the man's head.
Shaw quickly pulled Grimes in front of him and held the gun to the principal's head.
"Don't let him shoot me, Marty," Grimes cried out in a terrified voice and he began to shake.
"I'll kill him," Shaw told him with a smile spreading across his face.
"Go ahead," Deeks said, almost laughing at the irony, "I don't really care. But, if you do I'm going to kill you, so why don't you drop the gun and we can talk." Then he slowly began to walk backwards, forcing Jason to move back with him towards the open door.
"Run Jason, now!" he shouted at the boy, pushing him out the door with his body. As the boy ran, his father stepped out from behind Grimes, and fired, missing Deeks by inches. Deeks charged him, firing as he came and Shaw fired back. Shaw went down with two bullets to the chest, as Deeks fell on the floor next to Kensi. Grimes cried out in fear and slumped to the floor against the wall.
Deeks frantically lifted Kensi in his arms. "Kensi, you OK," he said softly as he brushed her hair back from her face. She was bleeding badly, and his hand trembled as he felt for a pulse, then he smiled briefly with relief as he felt her lifeblood beating against his fingers. He cradled her in his arms, and looked up to see Grimes across the room.
"Go call 911, Grimes," he shouted, but the man was frozen in fear and didn't move. Deeks searched for his phone, finally digging it out and hitting the emergency signal. Then he started putting pressure on the wound to try and stop the bleeding. He heard Kensi moan and her eyes fluttered open.
"Deeks, what are you doing here?" he could barely hear her but they were the sweetest words he had ever heard her say. "What happened?"
"You got shot, Kens", he said, pulling her closer to him, tears brimming in his eyes.
Then she struggled to sit up, but he held her tightly to his chest. Then she saw Grimes huddled against the wall, and she said, "That bastard was helping Shaw." Deeks looked down at her in stunned silence and then over at Grimes, who began to shake his head, "No, Marty, she's lying." he said, blubbering.
"He called me over and then Shaw stepped in and shot me," she said angrily, struggling to sit up. Deeks held her against him, and reached for his gun. As he picked it up and pointed it at Grimes, he saw movement at the door as Callen and Sam rushed inside. He kept the gun pointed at the principal as the two agents stopped just inside the door.
"Deeks, what are you doing?" Callen said in a low, tense voice as he saw the look on his face. Deeks didn't even acknowledge the question. His heart was pounding and all he could see was a man he hated in his gun site. A man who had helped make his childhood a living hell. A man who now had helped a maniac almost kill the woman he loved. He could see Grimes whimpering and pleading, but the sound didn't register. All he heard was a roaring sound in his ears. Then he blinked as a shape moved in front of Grimes. He shook his head and some of the grey fog in his brain lifted; as he saw Sam pull Grimes up by his jacket and hit him square in the face knocking him out.
Suddenly he felt Callen next to him, taking the gun from his hand, and Sam knelt in front of him speaking softly and trying to take Kensi from his arms.
"Deeks the paramedics are here," Sam said again, raising his voice, "Kensi needs to go to the hospital."
"He helped Shaw shoot her down, Sam," Deeks said, looking stunned and disoriented.
Callen and Sam laid Kensi on the gurney. As Callen pulled his arm from underneath her, there was blood on his hand and he became instantly concerned that she had been shot more than once.
"Is it a through and through or did she take another bullet?" Callen asked the paramedics. They shook their head, telling him there was just the one wound, with no exit.
Then he and Sam looked down at Deeks still sitting on the floor. Blood saturated his shirt, but it wasn't Kensi's blood, it was his own. One of Shaw's bullets had hit him in the stomach, and as they quickly knelt beside him, he slowly fell back, unconscious, as Sam yelled for the paramedics.
...
"Kensi, where's Kensi?" Deeks came out of the anesthesia fighting to sit up and yelling her name. The nurse tried to hold him down, but it was Sam who finally calmed him down and forced him to lie back down.
"Deeks, she's gonna be OK," Sam said quietly, finally convincing him.
I just need to see her," Deeks said softly and looked down solemnly at his bandages. "She wouldn't have been shot if I had been there to back her up, instead of on a leave of absence for a stupid panic attack. I let her down, Sam."
"Quit being so hard on yourself," Sam told him, starting to worry again about his stability, because he seemed slightly off kilter and not his usual laid back self. "You saved that kid's life today, Deeks."
"The poor kid was so scared, Sam, and I knew exactly what he was feeling," Deeks' voice was so quiet and sad that Sam put his hand on his shoulder to comfort him.
"I know you did, Deeks," Sam said.
Deeks looked quickly at Sam with a question poised on his lips, "How do you know that, Sam," his face suddenly deadly serious and a little angry.
"Grimes told us," Sam wasn't sure what to say to him. It was such a private part of his past that Sam felt bad he had let it slip that he knew.
"What did that asshole tell you?" Deeks asked coldly. Pushing Sam's hand off his arm.
"He just told us you had shot your dad when you were a kid. I think he wanted us to doubt you, Deeks. It was just another way for him to mess with your head." Sam said calmly.
"I was eleven." He said, his voice seemed to come from far away, and it was so solemn. "Grimes and my dad had been drinking for two days, and I could hear them shouting at each other in the living room. It was kind of hard not to. Grimes told my dad that he didn't think I was really his son, that my mom must have had someone else on the side."
"You don't have to tell me this, Deeks," Sam said.
"I think I need to, if you don't mind listening." Deeks looked up at Sam with a question on his face. "I've held it in for a long, long time."
"I'm here, man," Sam said quietly and sat down next to the bed.
"After Grimes said that, it got real quiet, and I heard my mom walk by and go into the living room," Deeks continued, his voice getting hoarse from his efforts, "Then I heard my dad hit her. And then he hit her again, and I heard her begin to cry. It was quiet for a few minutes and I heard the door slam and Grimes left." he turned to look at Sam, "You're right, Sam, he does like to mess with people's heads, but he never sticks around for the consequences."
Deeks paused and stared at the ceiling before continuing, "It had all happened before, the yelling, the hitting, my mom crying, but that night was different for some reason, that night he got his shotgun, and told my mom he was going to kill us both." Sam heard a small intake of breath from Deeks' as he relived the most horrific night of his young life.
"Ray had given me a 38 revolver in case I ever needed it," Deeks voice became stronger as he described the events. "I got it out of my closet and walked into the living room." He stopped again and put his hand on his chest and tried to calm himself. "Sorry, it's been awhile. My dad was roaring drunk, and saying things to my mom no kid should ever hear." Sam got up and stood next to him as the tears started. "When he saw me standing..." He closed his eyes and tried to catch his breath, "...when he saw me holding the gun...he laughed...he said it was the funniest thing he'd ever seen me do..." then Deeks smile sadly and a small laugh escape.
"He pointed the shotgun at me, Sam, and called me a pile of shit, and I brought the gun up and fired...then the shotgun went off and I heard my mom scream. The pellets hit her in the side and me in the left arm, at least that's what the cops told me at the hospital...I don't remember getting shot, I just remember thinking I shot my dad and he had killed my mom... But, she was OK, Sam...she was OK." Then he stopped talking and turned away from Sam, his shoulders silently shaking. Sam put his hand on his arm and kept it there until he stopped. As he turned to leave, he heard Deeks ask him a question.
"Sam, did I kill him?" Deeks asked quietly.
"You mean Grimes?" Sam asked him. "You think you shot the guy?"
"I don't remember," he said looking at the ceiling, "I wanted to. When Kensi told me what he had done it was like I had tunnel vision. All I could see was my gun and him in my site. What happened, Sam?"
"I stepped in between you two and then I knocked the creep out." Sam said with a look of satisfaction on his face. "I'm just glad you didn't shoot me."
"Me too." and a small relieved smile softened the worry on his face. "What's gonna happen to him?"
"He's got Hetty on his ass," Sam laughed, "Hell, he's gonna be lucky if he still has an ass after she gets through with him."
"Sam."
"Yeah?
"Thanks."
"I got your back, Deeks."
"I know."