Pinky & The Brain Play Assassin's Creed, by AchtungNight.
Author's Notes: I am borrowing concepts and characters owned by Ubisoft and Warner Brothers to write this crossover. I am writing this for entertainment, not money. Hope it is enjoyed. Feedback is appreciated.
For those not in the know, Assassin's Creed is a videogame series from the early part of the 21st century. Pinky & The Brain is a madcap TV cartoon series from the 1990s. Other important plot and character elements of their universes will soon be revealed. I had the idea for this crossover recently- we'll see how well it works out.
I scattered a few ideas for other Assassin's Creed fanfics throughout the story. If a fellow author more inclined to pursue them picks them up and gets ideas, feel free to let me know by PM. Special thanks credit is all I ask in return if you want to use my ideas. I have too much other real life stuff on my plate to write the stories personally, sorry to say- unless I get hired by Ubisoft. Sadly that's unlikely. sigh
One last thing, the cast.
Pinky- Rob Paulsen.
The Brain- Maurice LaMarche.
Larry- Troy Baker.
Rebecca Crane- Eliza Jane Schneider.
Shaun Hastings- Danny Wallace.
The Villain- Roger Jackson (since the original actor for the character is sadly no longer with us).
The Villain's Henchweasels- Steven Piovesan & Emerald O'Hanrahan.
Ok, enough background stuff. On with the show.
(look for "Pinky and The Brain opening" on Youtube to enhance the following experience or use your imagination)
PINKY- Gee, Brain, what do you want to do tonight?
THE BRAIN- The same thing we do every night, Pinky. Try to take over the world!
[theme tune]
They're Pinky and The Brain
Yes, Pinky and The Brain
One is a genius
The other's insane
They're laboratory mice
Their genes have been spliced
They're dinky
They're Pinky and The Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain
Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain
Brain
Before each night is done
Their plan will be unfurled
By the dawning of the sun
They'll take over the world
They're Pinky and The Brain
Yes, Pinky and The Brain
Their twilight campaign
Is easy to explain
To prove their mousey worth
They'll overthrow the Earth
They're dinky
They're Pinky and The Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain
Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain
Narf!
Pinky & The Brain Play Assassin's Creed
Abstergo Labs, Present Day
Brain emerged from the Animus with a heavy sigh. Good grief, that last set of experiences had been a confused and disjointed mess! Rushing the sequences into production one after another, taking so many character shortcuts and leaving so many plot holes- it really was taking a toll on quality! At least the events were still fun to watch, he amended, and if one made a movie or video game out of them, they probably would make a good bit of money. Not that such things are that important to me.
Brain was not the type to care much about fun or money. He was a lab mouse and thus his life was not always under his control. When it was, he preferred to use the gifts various genetic experiments had given him- extreme intelligence, a lifespan far beyond that of ordinary mice, cartoonish toughness, and so on- to enact various plans for world domination. Brain was the smartest being on the planet- of course he should rule the world! What he would do with the world once he took over had not yet occurred to him. It didn't bother him that his plans kept failing either. Eventually he would find the right plan and it would succeed! And if not, at least imagining plans and enacting them kept his mind occupied and exercised. That was important too.
"Narf!" screamed a voice from the Animus next to his. "Poit! Egad, Altair, look out! Grand Master de Sable's Templar goons have you cornered!"
Pinky's still in the Animus, Brain mused, thinking about his assistant. Oh well, let him stay in there a bit longer. Pinky was not the only other mouse with Brain's gifts, but he was the one most interested in aiding Brain's plans. Pity the experiments hadn't gone quite right with him. He was as smart as Brain- some of the time- but had many crazy mental ailments. Brain had to keep Pinky on track with each plan they put together. Sometimes Pinky really taxed his patience.
"Well at least the current plan provides Pinky many distractions," Brain said to himself. That was a relief, as it allowed Brain time to review the plan and its results so far.
Pinky and Brain usually worked for Acme Labs, but a few months ago their services had been contracted by another company, Abstergo Enterprises. This company had somehow acquired a large amount of genetic material and then fashioned machines called Animuses (Brain wasn't sure that was the proper plural but used it for convenience) that let one view the memories experienced by the humans who had once owned that DNA and their ancestors. These humans had somehow acquired various fantastic artifacts called Pieces of Eden during their lives, then hidden them away. Abstergo wanted to find the Pieces and then use their power for world conquest. For that, they required people to view the ancestors' experiences through the Animuses. Abstergo analysts would then watch Animus records on their computers, analyze the events, and send agents to seek out the Pieces' current locations. Brain didn't know much about all that really- he was just aware of three important things. One, Abstergo was so convinced the Pieces of Eden were real that they had to in fact be real. Two, Animus technology had recently advanced to the point where mice could view the experiences instead of humans, making Abstergo obviously want to use mice as cheaper labor. Three, Brain and Pinky were among the assigned mice!
Once again I am glad the scientists of Acme don't know of my intelligence, Brain chuckled to himself, nor of what I like to do with it. Not for the first time, Brain had found ways to turn a scientific experiment to his own profit. The plan in this case was obvious. Brain would find the Pieces of Eden before Abstergo could, and he would use them! The Apples of Eden that controlled the minds of the populace would then be his to command. The other Eden artifacts- the Swords, Staffs, Shrouds, and so forth- might also be useful, but the Apples seemed best to use offhand. Brain walked to a chalkboard and started making various calculations about how he would use an Apple of Eden.
"Zort!" Pinky called out while he did so. "Ezio, my friend! How may I be of service?"
Brian did his best to ignore Pinky. Pinky was spending a lot more time in the Animus than he was. Brain was only interested in the Animus events to find the Pieces. He viewed each Animus subject's life, then put it aside for the next. In contrast, Pinky was playing the Animus files over and over constantly in no particular order, probably driving his Abstergo analysts to madness- if they were actually aware the mice had hacked their Animus computers and thus could control the events they were shown. Brain chuckled about that for a moment, reminded himself to alter the records later to ensure they would not be exposed to Abstergo, then got back to his own calculations.
"The subjects of these events we are viewing are Assassins," Brain reminded himself, "part of an ancient mystical secret society that fights for human freedom." He drew a picture of an Assassin dressed in a hooded robe with hidden blades extending from the wrists. "They kill people, but for good reasons. They are trained to the point where nearly all stumbling blocks to the limits of human physical and mental capacity are removed."
"Nothing is true, everything is permitted!" Pinky shouted the Assassin's Creed. "We work in the dark to serve the light! Narf!"
Brain rolled his eyes as he wrote down the same words. As if he needed the reminder! Well, he did, he amended- the Creed was less emphasized in their most recent Animus experiences. Had it even been spoken once in the last set of sequences Brain recalled before his current viewing, which depicted an Assassin brother and sister living in Victorian London? Or the one before that, set during the French Revolution? Brain was not sure.
The Assassins' three bylaws had definitely not been voiced in those sequences. Brain wrote them out for posterity. "Stay your blade from the flesh of the innocent. Hide in plain sight. Don't compromise the Brotherhood." Some of the Assassins whose lives he'd watched really should have followed those laws better, Brain thought to himself.
"Jacob, you idiot!" Pinky gave an example. "Listen to me. You do not get involved with a psychopathic gangster and nearly help him burn down a workhouse full of children! You do not leave a bank vault open while killing the greedy tycoon robbing it and thus allow currency printing plates to be stolen by another criminal! You do not just assassinate a neglectful doctor and leave his hospital in disarray!"
Those villains were all Templars and needed to die, Brain reminded himself of the Assassin in question's justification, not that it really excused his repeated errors. What a numbskull that man must have been! At least his sister was a smarter sort who had cleaned up many of Jacob's mistakes.
"Hello, Mr. Green!" Pinky imitated that sister now, grinning maniacally. "Do you have a lead on the Shroud? Shall we go look for it together? Or has Jacob done another stupid thing I need to address first?"
"Probably the latter," Brain muttered under his breath.
He ignored Pinky for a while, reviewing other important facts about the Assassins. They had existed throughout history in many times and cultures. The effects of their actions weren't always benevolent, but they always meant well. They were definitely less malicious than their usual adversaries, another ancient secret society known as the Templars. Where the Assassins worked to secure human freedom, the Templars aimed to exploit the populace for various sinister aims. The Templars wanted the Pieces of Eden to aid their plots. The Assassins wanted to keep the Pieces away from the Templars. Sometimes they got tempted and used the Pieces to help defeat the Templars. Then they put the Pieces away hopefully hidden safely enough so no one would try to use them again. Brain wondered why Abstergo wanted the Pieces sometimes- were they modern-day Templars intent on the usual evil schemes? Probably. Brain would probably have to deal with them at some point too. That wasn't a current serious issue, though. First, Brain would find a Piece of Eden and take over the world himself!
"And maybe modern Assassins will get in your way somehow!" pointed out another Acme Lab mouse who was watching from the sidelines, relaxing after his own Animus experiences.
"Shut up, Larry!" Brain snapped at that mouse. "You're only in this for exposition and extra jokes. Anyway, I'm not thinking about that right now."
"Right!" Larry agreed.
Brain turned back to his chalkboard. So far the plan wasn't having very many good results. The Assassins Altair and Ezio had found Apples of Eden, but then sealed them away in places Brain could not easily access. Other Assassins hadn't found Pieces of Eden, or if they had, the results were not impressive. Some Pieces had been destroyed, others lost to various mishaps, and some- well, it wasn't very clear. Jacob and Evie Frye had found a Shroud of Eden and the French Revolution Assassin had found a Sword and a Lantern, but it was unknown where exactly the Assassins had concealed those objects after they found them. The same was true of a Gem of Eden found in 19th century India, a Staff in early 20th Century Russia, and several Boxes of Eden found in 18th Century North America, Europe, and the Carribbean. All these objects were lost! Not that they would be as useful to Brain as an Apple anyway.
"Arr, let us find the Observatory, Adewale me hearty!" Pinky said just then in an exgaggerated pirate voice. "Troz! Set sail!"
"No, that won't work either," Brain sighed. The Assassin Pirate Edward Kenway had located the Observatory of Eden, a secret complex with technology that allowed one to view people's lives and experiences, but it was destroyed when Templars invaded and triggered the ancient mysterious creators' security system. Brain didn't have people's blood to use the technology either, even if it was still intact. So that idea was out. Better to find an Apple!
"Have you learned of an Apple, Gerald?" Pinky asked someone in a Creole-accented voice. "Perhaps another Piece of Eden my wicked Templar stepmother plans to steal? Shall I adopt my Lady Persona and spy?"
Brain quickly ran to Pinky's Animus and deactivated it. He had already viewed that Colonial American Assassin's life fully and knew she never encountered an Apple or any other significant Piece of Eden. A Disk of Eden, yes, but that was just whatever passed for a media viewer in the civilization that created the Pieces, not anything useful. Pinky could not be further distracted by the life of Aveline de Grandpre! And heaven forbid he start modeling Aveline's outfits again as he had the previous night! Brain had become so incensed at that useless distraction from the plan!
"Narf!" Pinky relaxed, coming around. His eyes opened and he let out a snort. "Why'd you stop me viewing that sequence, Brain? I think it was about to get good."
"It's not good to review Animus sequences repeatedly, Pinky," Brain answered. "We're not here to have fun watching them. We must locate the Pieces the Assassins encountered and get them for ourselves."
"Right!" Pinky agreed. "Any progress with that, Brain?"
Brain looked at his board, then back at Pinky, and sighed. "No. I checked over Arno Dorian and the Frye twins again, but their histories remain useless. Before that, I lived the experiences of the 19th Century Brazilian Assassin Maria Quitéria, her Columbian colleague Ana María Martínez de Nisser, and their Venezulean Mentor Daniel O'Leary. These Assassins were interesting, but none of them found any Pieces of Eden, though not for lack of searching the Amazon and Andes alike while battling Templars trying to dominate their countries' governments."
"That last series of sequences sounds like something I might enjoy viewing, Brain! The history of South America is so under-represented in modern media and yet so rich in culture! Poit!"
"I agree, Pinky. Sadly, we have other priorities. Did you find anything in the Animus sequences you viewed tonight?"
Pinky pursed his brow and thought for a long moment. Then he shook his head. "No, Brain. Sorry."
"That's unfortunate." Still no clear paths to a Piece of Eden's modern location! What would Pinky and the Brain do now?
"Um, hey Brain?"
"Yes, Larry?"
"My Animus sequence today showed me where an Apple of Eden might be, if you're interested. I uploaded the information to our analysts a few minutes before you woke up."
"Who'd you send it to?" Pinky asked him. "The chipper Chief Communications Officer Melanie LeMay?"
"Yes," Larry confirmed. "She was very excited about the information. I heard her tell that doctor who watches us she'd forward it straight to the new CEO of Abstergo!"
Brain quickly ran to a computer near his Animus and activated a program he'd readied to record the Animus experiences of himself, Pinky, Larry, and the other Abstergo lab mice. He had to find out what Larry was talking about and get to the Apple first if he could. Damn Larry's lack of loyalty to Brain! He should have told me about this before Abstergo! Never mind that now, Brain growled as he typed. Larry's not worth my discipline. He's not even involved with me on a regular basis. At least he was helpful here!
"What you doing, Brain?" Pinky asked, looking over Brain's shoulder. Larry was walking away back to his cage, sighing as he muttered about his fellow lab mice's latest zany scheme. Brain decided to pay him little further attention.
"Reviewing Larry's experiences," he replied to Pinky's inquiry instead. "Seeing if we can use them. Here's the summary. In World War 2, Japanese Templars working for Unit 731 found an Apple of Eden on a remote Pacific island called Guasai. Fortunately a trio of Assassins- a United States Marine descended from Connor Davenport fighting in the Pacific theater during the war, a Japanese kuniochi ninja from the Iga Assassin school who was rebelling against her country's Templar masters, and a native of Guasai also decended from an ancestral Assassin tribe whom the first two Assassins both befriended- were all working against the Templars seperately. They teamed up and thwarted the Japanese military before they could use the Apple for anything more world-shattering than attacking the island's immediate surroundings. They killed the Japanese Templar Grand Master and his German, Italian, American, and Russian counterparts who were also seeking the Apple. The Assassins then sealed the Apple in a secret bunker in a cave system within the island Guasai's volcano. The Marine had the Allies bomb the island to bury the bunker, but if it is still intact... are you pondering what I'm pondering?"
"I think so, Brain. Shouldn't Ubisoft make a game set in the First Civilization? Wouldn't that be cool and clear up a lot of events in their other games, especially regarding Juno's motivation?"
Brain bonked Pinky on the head, then grabbed him by the nose. He had no time to speculate regarding whatever ridiculous tangent his assistant was thinking about. "The Apple may still be inside the bunker, Pinky!" he yelled. "We have to get there and find it before Abstergo!"
"Oh right, I knew that. Poit!"
"Quickly!" Brain shouted, releasing Pinky now that he was back on task.
The two mice ran to their cage and each pulled a set of hooded robes from beneath the hay. Since the start of their Animus experiences, Pinky and Brain had frequently enjoyed fashioning and dressing up in Assassin style costumes. They had often speculated about the reasons for this and the mock combat and freerunning exercises they also often practiced since the start of their Animus experiences. Pinky thought it was the experiences and skills of the Assassins whose lives they viewed bleeding into their minds and bodies. Brain thought it was a natural inspiration to emulate the heroes they had watched and come to admire. There was no time to debate it now. The mice had a mission to complete!
Brain took a moment to examine himself in the mirror when he was finished donning his new costume. His robe was white, a classic Assassin color. The hood was oversized to accomodate his large head and his tail stuck out a hole in the back. Pinky had on a black robe with red trim that was cut similarly to accomodate his body. Brian thought his assistant looked a bit like the Chinese Assassin Shao Jun wearing the outfit, while he himself appeared similar to the Colonial America Assassin Mentor Achilles Davenport. Their usual expressions- Pinky's whimsical or blank bucktoothed grin and Brain's stern visage- coupled with the outfits created an effect which caused Larry to laugh as he regarded his fellow mice from nearby.
[Fourth Wall- Should someone more artistically talented decide to draw Pinky and the Brain in their Assassin robes, I'll find a way to show interested fans the link to wherever your picture is me and I'll give you an email for the link. Same if you draw our protagonists' Templar enemies we'll see later.]
"Here's your hidden blade, Brain!" Pinky handed him a gauntlet while donning two similar ones himself.
"Thanks." Brain put the gauntlet on. Fashioned from leather and paper clips, the blades were soft plastic and modified to only stun people, not actually kill them. Minature tasers attached to the blades could deliver electric charge, though it was nonlethal. The mice had only created their blades to practice Assassin moves, not for actually hurting people. A Cartoon Censor had intervened to prevent the blades from being used lethally. Brain had also never thought they'd use the blades for real.
Maybe we will use them today, he thought, if needs be. Abstergo does have commandos who are quite formidable. There's also the new CEO, whose identity I don't know yet. All I know about him is that he had enough wealth and influence among Abstergo's executives to buy out the company from its former CEO Alan Rikkin shortly after Abstergo contracted Acme Labs and that he is quite determined to find Pieces of Eden. I must not let him locate the Guasai Apple before me!
Larry looked over from the cage next door. "An Abstergo plane is leaving this lab for Guasai in an hour," he said. "If you hurry, you might catch it. Good luck, guys. Sure you don't want me to come along?"
"He might be useful, Brain! Narf!"
"No, Pinky, we're better off without him. Come, let us hurry!"
The mice smoothed their robes one final time, raised their hoods, then scampered off stealthily for the plane.
Guasai, a few hours later.
Pinky and the Brain stowed away on the plane easily enough and remained hidden during the journey. When they arrived, they found a large number of Abstergo commandos occupying the island, which had been mostly uninhabited since the 1940s. The natives had relocated after the war and subsequent volcanic eruptions had rendered their homeland dangerous. Only a nature research facility and a small support village occupied Guasai now. Abstergo had taken over both these complexes with little trouble and were keeping out all media and other previously foreseen interferences to their plans. Brain had determined this by looking over some Abstergo documents and computers he and Pinky had stolen shortly after their arrival.
"They didn't anticipate us, though!" Pinky declared.
"No, they didn't!" Brain agreed. "And the Apple will soon be ours. Yes!"
"I sent a message to our hacker friend Eurodito just in case we fail," Pinky added. "I've been chatting with him between Animus sessions and he is quite interested in helping us thwart Abstergo."
"Eurodito may not help us," Brain reminded Pinky. He had also chatted with the hacker a few times after seeing his messages during Animus sessions but thought him of no consequence. Eurodito had ceased contact with Brain after Brain told him he was not an ordinary human Animus subject but in fact a genetically altered lab mouse with designs for world conquest. Brian did not know why he was constantly compelled to tell people his true identity when lies would be more useful. Perhaps he lacked the capacity for such lies, or he had a different moral compass than humans. In any case, Eurodito had only been talking to Pinky since Brain's confession. Brain had gotten a brief summary of the chats when he cared. He hoped Eurodito would not be an obstacle to the plan.
"He said he will help us, Brain! He's sent two modern Assassins to assist us! Zort!"
"Oh, well, that might be good," Brain replied. He was happy they wouldn't have to take on Abstergo's commandos alone. Conversations he'd overheard while gathering information had told him Abstergo had located the bunker and were close to penetrating it. The CEO was scheduled to arrive in a few hours and had given strict instructions not to open the bunker until he was in position to enter. It might be difficult to get to the Apple before Abstergo did, or steal it from them if they found it first. "Are these Assassins going to meet us?"
"They've been on the island for some time already, Brain! Narf. They're waiting for us in a parking garage just outside this Abstergo headquarters we've been investigating, ready to take us to the bunker when we're ready! Troz!"
"Then let us meet with them and make sure they will work well with us."
"Excellent idea. Zort!"
The mice found the two modern Assassins in the garage next to a black pickup truck. The first of their human allies, a blonde Englishman dressed like a history professor, gaped at them. He adjusted his glasses, then gaped again. "You really are lab mice!"
"I did tell you," Brain replied, rolling his eyes and recognizing Eurodito from their voice chats.
"Yes, you did," said the other Assassin, a darkhaired Canadian woman in a gray jumpsuit and headphones. "Pinky and Brain, right? I'm Rebecca Crane and this is Shaun Hastings."
"Nice to meet you! Narf!"
Pinky shook hands with the two Assassins, then Brain followed suit. "You have scouted the island?" he asked.
"Yes," said Rebecca. "Our Mentor is unsure about working with you, but given the number of Templar agents occupying this island in proportion to the resources our Brotherhood can committ to thwart them, we have decided to put aside any misgivings for now. Abstergo has been able to insert fiber optic cable cameras into the bunker and confirm the Apple's presence inside. They are waiting for their CEO to arrive before opening any access tunnels big enough to admit humans. The fiber optic camera access tunnels are small enough to allow mouse-sized creatures access, though." She grinned. "Are you pondering what I'm pondering?"
"I think so, Rebecca. Weren't you shot in the most recent Assassin's Creed game? I'm glad you're okay. Troz!"
"Of course I'm okay. If Ubisoft killed off their most popular modern female Assassin again it would really be stupid!"
"Agreed. Zort!"
Brain decided not to hit his assistant in front of people who might be alarmed. He instead spoke the obvious conclusion Rebecca intended. "Pinky and I can enter the bunker through those tunnels and get the Apple first!"
"Yes," said Shaun. "Then you can bring it out to us and we'll transport it somewhere safer like we did the Apple our friend Desmond found a few years ago. Don't even think of trying to escape with it- the Assassins would thwart your plans for world domination just as easily as we do the Templars' plans."
"I'm sure," Brain replied. He would allow the Assassins their hopes for now. Surely they would easily fall before him once the Apple was in his hands!
"Abstergo doesn't know we're here," said Rebecca. "At least, we hope not. We'll take you to the bunker in our rental vehicle. Then, Shaun and I will neutralize the Abstergo operatives outside the bunker while you two get inside and secure the Apple. They may have sent a few robots your size inside- we aren't sure- but you can handle those, right?"
"I'm certain we'll manage," said Brain.
"I'm certain too. Narf!"
"Good. Let's get in the truck then."
The mice and Assassins traveled to the bunker while listening to various classic rock tunes played on their vehicle's radio. By the time they've arrived, all four were ready for action. They parked some distance from the volcano, then approached its slopes on foot through a thick jungle that bordered the roadway. Thanks to the Assassins' stealth skills and the mice's small size, they avoided the checkpoints and other obstacles Abstergo had placed along their path.
"There's the entrance to the cavern that accesses the bunker," Shaun whispered after they reached a tall tree near the volcano that provided a good vantage point and climbed to its top. "I only see two guards. The Templars are overconfident."
"Yes," Rebecca agreed, "or maybe most of their personnel are back at the airstrip waiting for the CEO to arrive." She tapped her headphones. "Darn! Our associate monitoring communications just told me the CEO's plane has landed. He's on his way to the volcano now! And they're addressing him as 'Grand Master'!"
That confirms it, Brain thought. Abstergo are modern-day Templars. I wonder what their CEO's name is, and what he looks like. We better get the Apple and get it away from this island before we have to find out.
"We'll handle the guards," Shaun told the mice. "You two get into the bunker and find that Apple!"
"Narf! Good plan!"
Shaun and Rebecca made leaps of faith into convenient piles of soft vegetation at the foot of their vantage point. Pinky and Brain followed. Then their Assassin allies snuck up to and neutralized the two Abstergo commandos guarding the bunker entrance. "Go!" Rebecca told Pinky and Brain, pointing at a mouse-size hole in the side of the mountain. "We'll watch this door while you get the Apple. Sorry we don't have communication gear that will penetrate the cavern complex. Just get back here with the Apple as fast as you can."
"Got it! Poit!"
"Let us hurry, Pinky."
Pinky and Brain ran into the tunnel. They then spent the next half hour or so navigating a series of passages that greatly tested their natural mouse and inspired Assassin skills at freerunning. Several Abstergo robots got in their way. Pinky and Brain snuck around the contraptions' sensors, then disabled them with swift application of their hidden blades' tasers. The robots had combat ablities themselves- shock guns, swinging blades, and other offensive devices- but they did not have much chance to employ them. Brain guessed the machines were intended for use against pests indigenous to the caverns. Their quest was too important for him to think about the robots' purpose for long.
"This must be the Apple's chamber, Brain!" Pinky said when they reached a wide room beneath the volcano. The ceiling and walls had enough space for humans to be at ease, not that any were around at the moment. A large concrete ledge was across the room from the entry tunnel standing over a pit of lava without any railings. Atop a stone pedestal on the ledge was a glass case containing a golden ball- the Apple of Eden which Brain sought. Brain nodded in agreement to Pinky's statement, then approached the narrow catwalk leading towards the ball.
"Not so fast!" someone challenged in a deep voice.
"Narf! That voice sounds familiar! Poit!"
Brain and Pinky turned to see a familiar figure wearing a black business suit jacket over a Templar Cross T-shirt stepping out of a tunnel near the one by which they had entered the chamber. Like them, the newcomer was a rodent small enough to enter the bunker through the tunnels. The figure was not a mouse, though. It was a hamster.
"Snowball?" Brain gasped, recognizing one of their most dangerous adversaries. Like Brain and Pinky, Snowball was an Acme Labs experimental animal gifted with extreme intelligence. Also like them, he regularly had plans for world domination. His plans were usually more elaborate, though, and more inclined to evil. Pinky and Brain had a record of foiling Snowball whenever he came close to success.
"Yes, Brain!" Snowball smiled, his voice carrying its usual mocking tone. "I am glad you recognize me!"
"Didn't we send you back through the Gene Splicer, though?" Pinky asked. "I thought it turned you back into an ordinary everyday hamster!"
"That was Snowball One," Brain reminded Pinky, not for the first time. "The next time we encountered Snowball he told us he was actually Snowball Two, a clone the original Snowball created and educated to follow in his footsteps should something happen to him. That clone also created backup clones and we have defeated them in various ways many times during the past two decades." Brain recounted the occasions to himself for a moment. "I think you're Snowball Five."
"Correct!" said their adversary. "But to assauge my ego, let's just call me Snowball and pretend your previous battles against my ancestors never happened!"
Brain frowned at Pinky, who shrugged. They then looked back at Snowball.
"You're about to monologue," Brain guessed. "You're going to tell us that you are the new CEO of Abstergo and the modern Templar Grand Master. You were able to enter this bunker thanks to your small size, which also allowed you to sneak around Shaun and Rebecca."
Snowball opened his mouth to make a counterargument.
"Or perhaps they're occupied fighting your commandos," Brain said before the villain could.
"Yes," Snowball confirmed. "The two leaders, Berg and da Costa, have some enmity with your Assassin friends I didn't really ask them about. It's not important. I see you got past the robots I deployed- I thought you might get involved in my plan to steal the Apple once I learned Abstergo had hired Acme Labs mice as Animus subjects, so I bought the company and developed those robots. Fortunately for me I have brought along two other adversaries who will now challenge you."
Snowball snapped his fingers and two more animals exited the tunnel behind him. They pulled themselves up to their full heights, extended their claws, and snarled at Pinky and Brain.
"Weasels," Snowball identified his hench-creatures. "Natural mouse predators I thought it best to use here. As one might guess from the clothing they are wearing, like you they too have been exposed to Animus technology. Also like the two of you, they have acquired the skills of the subjects whose lives they have experienced. This male brown-furred weasel..."
"Is dressed in a mantle and longcoat in the style of Shay Cormac and the tri-cornered hat worn by Haytham Kenway," Brain completed. "I'm guessing he seeks to emulate those famous Templar Grand Masters. Your female weasel has red fur and she's wearing a black lady's suit with high collar with a blonde wig and a minature top hat, so she must be imitating..."
"Lucy Thorne!" Pinky supplied. "The female Templar occult enthusiast who fought Assassin Evie Frye in Victorian London! Her blonde wig is supposed to represent the Italian Templar vixen Lucretia Borgia! Egad, Brain, I wonder if these Templars will be more challenging adversaries than their inspirations!"
"We'll see, Pinky," Brain said, eager for the fight to come. The weasels showed through their expressions that they had similar feelings. They were merely waiting for their master's command.
"Get them," Snowball ordered calmly, judging all necessary exposition was done.
The male weasel, whom Brain decided to call "Shay" for the Templar he most resembled, growled an oath and rushed at Brain. His partner "Thorne" meanwhile attacked Pinky. Brain readied his blade to intercept his adversary's charge. Brain somersaulted to avoid that charge, then made a ducking motion to avoid the weasel's claws followed by a series of quick counter-strikes. His follow-up move was a thrust and slam of his hidden blade to the beast's head. Shay collapsed as the blade's shock was applied. Brain grinned in triumph. "Yes!"
Beside that combat, Thorne made several strikes and lunges that Pinky countered. He then leapt over the female weasel and landed on her back in a modified air assassination technique. Two quick stabs of his blades later, Pinky too had triumphed over his foe.
"Tough fight," he judged. "But in the end good guys still win! Narf!"
"Yes, Pinky," Brain agreed, wiping the sweat from his brow with his sleeve. "Now let us get that Apple."
"You would get the Apple," Snowball corrected from behind them, holding up the shining object, "if I did not run to grab it while you were fighting my hench-weasels!"
Brain slapped his forehead and uttered a series of words inappropriate for a children's cartoon.
Pinky, ever more practical, pulled a throwing knife he'd fashioned from a thumbtack out of his pocket and hurled it at Snowball.
"No!" Snowball shouted when the missile hit his hand and the Apple tumbled from his grasp into the lava, where it was quickly melted by the extreme heat. "Curse you!"
"The Assassins shall always exist to foil your malign Templar schemes!" Pinky said. "Poit!"
Brain made no comment of his own. He was too busy pushing down his anger over the Apple being lost to them.
"You fools!" Snowball fumed, clenching his fists. "I am the future leader of the world, the mastermind whose ramblings are to be obeyed, not challenged! I should seize power over the planet and force its inhabitants to follow my way of thinking. How dare you oppose me! How dare..." He paused to answer his ringing cell phone, which was somehow working inside the bunker. "Yes, Melanie? What? You and Alan Rikkin have bought back Abstergo from me?! But I was to be the ultimate Grand Master, the supreme power..." He sighed. "Fine! Just you wait! When I rule the earth, your company too will be destroyed!" Snowball hung up the phone. "I shall see you next time we meet!" he told Pinky and Brain, then dropped a smoke bomb at his feet. When the smoke had cleared, Snowball had disappeared. The weasels had also fled, having recovered from being incapacitated.
"We probably could have beat Snowball," Pinky said, "if he'd stuck around."
"Yes, too bad," Brain agreed. He had pushed down his anger by this point and thought about their future. "I guess we can't go back to Abstergo now- they probably know about us thanks to Snowball. We shouldn't rejoin our Assassin allies either, we already know they don't fully trust us." He looked at the lava that had consumed the Apple of Eden one last time, then sighed. "Come, Pinky. Let us return to Acme Labs- where we shall forget our Assassin skills unless there's a sequel to this fanfiction story- and prepare for tomorrow night."
"Why? What we gonna do tomorrow night, Brain?"
"The same thing we do every night, Pinky! Think up another plan and try to take over the world!"
A voiceover sang- "They're Pinky, they're Pinky and the Brain!"
The credits crawled.
Pinky then spoke a public service announcement. "Remember children and adults, follow the three Assassin rules! If you can't think of good ways to apply them to your lives, ask your parents!"
"Also remember," Brain added, "nothing is true and everything is permitted per reality, but your parents and other authorities can still discipline you if you misbehave. So try not to act like misbehaving Assassins or Templars outside your imaginations."
"Agreed. Narf!"
The End.