Summery: Because we all make promises we can't keep sometimes.
otooji - parent's younger brother
Grandfather - grandfather
chichiue - father
Too Late : GRAVE
Hinata doesn't tell anyone, but she remembers her Otooji.
She had been young, but she can still remember and she treasures those memories.
Her Otooji had always been kind, when he had come to the Main House, he would always take time to visit her. Maybe it was sadness, maybe it was to see what could have been his, or maybe it was that he loved his twin regardless. But Hizashi had always taken the time to see Hiashi's daughter and exchanges a few kind words with his sister-in-law.
Hinata doesn't tell anyone, but she remembers running through the hallways of the house when they told her that her Otooji was coming, and throwing her arms around his neck as he bent down to hug her. She remembers the way he would sit with her after meetings and play with her. She remembers the way he laughed and smiled and always, always looked at her with sad, sad eyes she hadn't known back then of why.
She remembers his promises. The promise that he would always be there, the promise that she would never be alone, the promise that she would always be loved, the promise that she, herself, that one girl of her abilities would be enough for the Hyuga.
He lied.
He promised that she would always be happy.
He promised that she would always be loved.
He promised that she would be enough.
It hurts sometimes. Because she remembers him, and remembers how he always tried to make her laugh. Because she remembers how with him she had never been found lacking. How she had always been enough for him.
She remembers his face, and her Chichiue's face. She remembers the memories, and the times of when she was young, and the laughter, and the tears, and the comfort. And sometimes she's not sure if that had been her Otooji or her Chichiue who had made her cry - but it had always been her Chichiue. She knows because he wore a white kimono.
It hurts because sometimes she not sure if it had been her Otooji or her Chichiue who had made her smile - but it had always been her Otooji. She knows because he had always looked at her with those sad, sad eyes that were always apologizing for his twin.
Apologizing that her Chichiue made her cry.
Apologizing that her Chichiue didn't quite love her.
Apologizing that she wasn't his daughter.
Apologizing that he wasn't her Chichiue.
Sorry for that fact she couldn't have been a Branch member where her skill level wouldn't have hurt her so much.
Sorry for that fact he wasn't a Main House member, so he could have spared so many the pain.
So every year since that faithful year, she goes to visit the temple. She doesn't bring any flowers because to leave anything behind would let others know that someone had been there, and they would eventually find her. Or maybe that was her excuse. She doesn't know but when she thinks of buying him a banquet and setting it down on the tomb, it just seems to be too much. Like maybe it wasn't her right, like maybe she wanted to leave something sacred for Neji, like maybe it felt like she was going to say good-bye.
So she doesn't.
She visits a grave without flowers every year. She doesn't visit on the day he had died, because others were always there that time, especially Neji, whom she was sure wouldn't want her there. And she doesn't visit him on any national holidays because that meant visiting with the family, and she doesn't belong there either. She doesn't visit him on his birthday either. She knows it was his birthday, because it is her Chichiue's birthday - although she could never remember celebrating it with him.
She goes to visit him on her birthday. Early in the morning or late at night, when there would be no one there. She goes to visit him on her birthday because, this may not have been the day he died, but what happened on this day reminds her it was her fault, every year.
And she doesn't bring flowers with her, but she does bring her tears. And her guilt, and her sorrow, and her broken, bleeding heart since that same day.
It was dawn now. The sun barely up, the villagers would have just been waking up, and the night duties going for their sleep. She, one lone girl, is walking down the stone path leading towards a grave.
She is fifteen today, and she wants to cry more than ever.
. : - : .
So we're the lost ones in the night.
. : - : .
She is a Chuunin now. No one was more amazed then she, but it was true. She had spent three years as a genin. The first year, when she had taken the exam and failed, had brought changes in her she had long wanted. The second year, she hadn't had time to retake the exam - there had been a war going on. And this year, she had finally advanced. Her hard work had finally been paid off and she had been acknowledged.
She had been given an honour.
And she had no one to share it with.
Her fellow teammates had been nice and hadn't mentioned it, and even tried to make up for it, but the fact of the matter was, she had no family she could go and hug and smile and have them tell her how proud they were of her.
Because her family wasn't.
Her family was anything but proud of her.
She had been used to it, and she hadn't really cared, until a memory had resurfaced.
Otooji! Otooji! I'll be strong like you one day!
How about this, my little Hinata. When you become a Chuunin, we'll all go celebrate.
Ehhhh? But I'll be so old then!
You said 'one day' yourself little one!
She had been three then. She was fifteen now. She had walked down a life long road of broken promises already, this one was just another lost in time. Made back when her mother still smiled freely at her. Back when she had still been at least enough.
So she's here now. In front of a stone that stands upright and bears the name of the only family member she could say had truly loved her and had always been enough for.
It had started a small drizzle and steadily becoming heavier. The sunrise she had hoped to see was over and she didn't lie to herself. She feels the wetness on her cheeks, but they were her tears. The rain was never so warm, and lonely, and hurting.
. : - : .
So yeah, we've become the lost ones now.
. : - : .
Her form shakes from the hiccups, and she buries her face in her hands, but she does not move from her place in front of the grave. There is so much she wishes she could say but can't. There was so much she wishes she had done but hadn't.
There were too many regrets.
So much she had lost. So little for her to gain.
She let her legs collapse under her and sit on the barren ground.
She's not paying attention, because it's raining, and it's early, and she's too tired. She hadn't slept a wink last night, and she doubts she'll get much more tonight. But the point is she is not alert, otherwise she would have noticed the silhouette that had been walking down the path, saw her, then hid. She doesn't notice, and is determined to keep crying till she runs out of tears.
Maybe she had picked it up from her Otooji. Maybe it was something she had learned. Maybe it was a habit. But out here in the pouring rain, she apologizes.
She apologizes for not being strong.
She apologizes for not being able to live up to the title of the Heir.
She apologizes for not being enough.
Because she knows deep down, the Hyuga House blames her - and she blames herself. For not being powerful. For not being strong. For not being enough. For not being loved.
It is said that rain could wash away all...
She tilted her head up and let the drops fall onto her face. She wanted the water to wash away the shame, the loneliness, and the pain.
She wanted the rain to wash away the disappointed looks. The pitying stares. The hatred in Neji's eyes.
She wanted the rain to wash away the shame of her insignificant powers. The condemnation of her Grandfather. The loathing in her Chichiue.
She knows her Chichiue blames her, because he had loved his brother, her Otooji. No matter of Main House/Branch House, they were still twins and still family. Hizashi had given his life to save her Chichiue from an incident that was the result of her kidnapping. In the end, she had been the root of the problem, and her Otooji had given up his life for a person who was not even adequate enough to be Heir.
She sobbed and curled into herself.
" I'm sorry." Hinata said with her head bowed to the tombstone. " You shouldn't have had to die. If only I had been strong enough back then, alert enough to recognize an intruder, you would have never had to die."
Words spoken in hindsight never changed the past.
" I'm sorry. I know that Neji-nii-san blames me. You were his Chichiue, he loved you. I know that Chichiue blames me, because Hiazshi-"a choke, " Otooji." A breath. " You gave your life not because Chichiue was of the Main House and you were of the Branch House. You did it because he was your brother, and you loved him. And because Otooji was Chichiue's brother, he loved you. He blames me, this useless Heir, because you gave your life, and I can't even be strong enough."
There is a pause and Hinata bites her trembling lip.
" But Otooji," her voice was but a whisper, " I loved you too."
There is a stillness in the air.
" I still remember your smiling face when you picked me up when I was hurt, and told me that you would always protect me." She reached out a hand to touch the engraved words. " That - someone - would always be there to protect me."
The tears came once more, and she couldn't hold them back. Her frail frame shook from the sheer force of the sobs.
You liar.
" You told me that there would always be someone looking out for me. You said that someone would always protect me. You promised me that in the Hyuga, no matter what, someone would love me."
Her hand was pressed up hard against the stone and tears trails ran down her cheeks. Her chest was heaving and her eyes were closed tight in pain. Once more she opened her mouth.
" You LIAR!"
. : - : .
And I don't see a way back.
Not a hope at all.
. : - : .
Her fists pounded up against the gravestone, the rough pebble scraping into her skin and leaving blood trails.
" I hate you! If you hadn't died -! If you hadn't left -! If you hadn't loved me -! If you hadn't love me! If you hadn't...loved...me." She cries.
Then no one would have.
" If you hadn't loved me," she repeated, with tears down her face " then I wouldn't miss you so much now."
Her voice cracked at the end and her hands fell onto the ground as she bent bowed before his grave. There was the familiar shaking of her form before she took deep shuddering breaths to calm herself down. And she sits up and wipes her face with her hands, dirt smudging across her pale cheeks.
She's calmed down a bit and reins in her emotions. Because the only water droplets on her face is the rain, and she's run out of tears. So she sat in front of the stone marker, and smiled sadly.
. : - : .
There are just too many paths we didn't take.
. : - : .
" Your son is growing up well." She starts. Just as she has always done every year, she speaks to her Otooji about his son. " He's growing up to be a great, strong man. There are not any in the Hyuga that can say he's weak. You would have been proud." She wiped her cheek with the sleeve and stares sadly at the now dirty cloth. " No, you are proud. Your son surpassed the Main House, Otooji. No one could do better."
She turned back to stare at the stone. " He's growing up handsomely. Half the village girls are crazy about him you know. He's got his own fan club and is on what the girls call 'Konoha's Most Wanted' list." The corner of her lips quirk. " He's growing up from being the prodigal son to the perfect man.
He misses you a lot."
Her shoulder slumped in defeat. " Most of the girls have a crush on him, the ladies of marriageable age are all hoping to choose him, and even some of the older women say he would be quite a catch." She stared desolately ahead. " Hyuuga Heir, the heartthrob. Just like you were, Otooji. Chichiue may have had the looks too, but you were the kinder one. The more liked." She sighed.
" I'm so tired Otooji. I'm so close to the breaking point. I wonder how much longer can I last without breaking apart. Every morning I wake up I think; 'is this it? Will it end today? Will things change?' But it never does." She stared down at her bare palms.
" I want to leave the Main House."
There wass a startled movement from the shadows, but she didn't notice.
" Maybe - maybe it's time." She looked up emptily at the stone. " No one wants me there. And there's nothing keeping me there. I feel - I feel like a dead weight. A burden that does nothing but drag the Hyuuga name down." There was a tremble in her voice as she smiled. " I want to leave that behind too."
She hiccupped and held back the fresh bout of tears. " I wish I had been born onto you Otooji." She reached out her hand and brush against the stone. " Maybe then we could have been happy. Maybe then I could have at least been able to be close to Neji."
There was a tentative silence in the air.
" Neji." She said, smiling timidly. " We-...could have...been happy."
She stood up and brushed off her knees, although she knew it was futile. She smiled amusedly at herself and blinked her shining eyes. She stood straight and proud in front of the grave. " Hyuuga Hinata. Chuunin of the Leaf." She saluted. " Your son has long since surpassed me, Hizashi-sensei. But I will try and make you proud. Watch after me from where you are. I won't let you down."
Her shoulder slumped and she stared. " I wish things could have been different. Maybe then you would still be here, Otooji. Maybe then we could have been happy. Maybe then, Neji would know just how much he is loved."
There were tears in her eyes for a whole different reason now.
" So many 'what if 's. So many 'maybe 's." Her head bowed. "...I love your son, Hizashi. Not as a sister. Not as a cousin. Not in the way I'm supposed to." When she raises her head, her eyes are hollow. " Just in the way you wanted. But I always wondered why?"
If you love Neji, Hinata - he will look after you always.
Hold on tight to him, Hina-chan. Don't ever let go.
If you are going to love him, love him the way it is meant to be.
She sighed, face weary. " It means nothing now though. You're gone Otooji, and there's nothing to it now. I'll be leaving soon. I just needed to confess, just once.
I'm going to be leaving the Main House. Leaving the Hyuuga." She reached up and tugged the forehead protector off where it was tied around her neck. She looked down upon the symbol of her village for a moment. " Leaving Konoha."
There was a sound from behind her but it was overridden by the sounds within her. " I'm a Chuunin now. I'm sure the Hokage has a mission where they need to send an ambassador." She looked up and clutched the forehead protector tightly. " Maybe when I come back in 4 years, things will be different."
She reached to tie the cloth around her neck once more. " Maybe I'll get to meet Neji's wife." Her hands dropped after they completed their task. " And I'll bless their children. And come back every few years and watch them grow. And tell them that their father is loved much more than he knows. And that their grandfather was a great man. And that no matter what others say - they are the future of the clan."
A faraway look entered her eyes. " And they'll look just like him. Pale like him, dark hair like him, graceful like him, beautiful like him. Kind, arrogant, and stubborn." A contented smile graced her lips. " They'll always be sneaking out to train, stealing from the cookie jar, always trying their best. And he would be a great father. Fumbling, awkward, and always trying to get them out of trouble. Sneaking them meals and helping them train. Caring, attentive, and the perfect son to the perfect man to the perfect husband." Her voice wavered. " He'll make whoever he choose, one lucky girl some day."
A single tear escaped from her and slid down her cheek. She stared straight ahead in her blurry vision and closed her eyes. She remained still as the droplet slid to her chin and dripped to the wet soil.
" Goodbye, Otooji." She whispered, and turned and walked away.
. : - : .
Listen Neji. Hinata-sama of the Main Family... You will live to protect her and the Hyuuga blood.
. : - : .
From behind a tree he stood leaning back with arms crossed, motionless, staring blankly ahead. The sun was climbing over the horizon and he knows the village would be waking up right now and that the second night watch would be switching over. The sun shone down on the coming of a new day and he hid in the shadows of the tree as the words she said repeated in his mind.
" I'm sorry.
Neji-nii-san... Chichiue... blames me. He loved you.
I loved you too.
You promised me... someone would love me.
I'm sorry.
Your son is growing up well. You are proud. No one could do better.
If you hadn't...loved...me...
I want to leave the Main House.
Neji.
I'm sorry.
I love ... not as a sister...not as a cousin. Not in the way I'm supposed to.
Pale like him, dark hair like him, graceful like him, - beautiful - like him.
He would be a great father...and the perfect son to the perfect man to the perfect husband.
We...could have...been happy."
His hands fisted. When he had found her walking out of the House at such an hour and decided to follow her, he didn't know what he had been expecting, but not this.
She visited his father.
She - remembered -.
He didn't know what to do. He had been on night duty and had been just about to slip into the House to fall asleep when he had spotted and followed her. His body was tired and his mind was whirling. His heart was in confusion and he didn't know what he was supposed to do.
He swallowed tightly. There was a burning in his throat and his eyes were narrowed, glaring at the ground in a sightless accusation.
Hinata-sama of the Main Family...
You will live to protect her and the Hyuuga blood.
His head fell back and touched the rough bark as he turned his eyes up towards the sky. " What am I supposed to do, Chichiue?" he asked, voice tired. " How many times have I failed you?"
" I'm sorry, I'm sorry Otooji. I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough. I'm sorry I wasn't good enough."
The image of her face, cheeks lined with tears. Knees in the ground, head bowed because there was no one to lift it for anymore.
" You promised me... someone would love me. You LIAR!"
He squeezed his own eyes shut; an ache raging heavily in his chest and his voice is raw. " How many times have I already failed her?"
The sight of her bent back and curled form leapt to the forefront of his thoughts. Her tiny shoulders, shaking timidly like everything else she did, and the hands hiding her face.
"I'm going to be leaving the Main House.
A fist slammed violently into the trunk of a tree.
Leaving the Hyuuga
A second fist met the rough bark as the first left, leaving behind small craters.
Leaving Konoha."
A succession of punches falling like meteors in a shower landed on the abused trunk. Indentions were formed then deepened then deepened again. Bark flew off in random directions and the tree shook with an intense force as it met fist after fist.
" Fuck." He cursed at last, when splinters dug deep into his bloody knuckles. His chest heaved with a heavy pressure. A dead weight pushed on his lungs, he felt boxed in and claustrophobic. It was hard to breath and he felt like screaming at the top of his lungs. " What am I supposed to do?"
An echo of her words came back. " We...could have...been happy."
He stilled and everything in the world seemed to come to a stand still. Blood rushed to his head and a roaring filled in his ears. He hears, sees, feels, knows - nothing, but those words.
" We...could have...been happy."
- Could have. -
There's a ringing noise inside his head and he doesn't question the possibilities he sees.
I love...Neji.
He flew from the spot disappearing with all the speed and agility he's known and labelled for.
. : - : .
The future could disappear in a blink.
. : - : .
She took the long way back to the house, letting her feet drag and her steps slow. She hadn't wanted to go back so soon but there was nowhere else she could have gone and she might as well start her packing sooner rather than later. There might be oppositions if the Hyuuga Council found out about her plans too soon - but more for them rather than for her.
She sighed and looked up to see herself entering the front gardens of the Hyuuga ground. She couldn't quite being herself to smile but something inside of her calmed still at the sight of plants. She wondered if there would be someone else who would look after the herbs and vegetables after she left, but abandoned that train of thought when she felt the prickling feeling at the back of her eyes.
" Hinata."
She turned her head towards the side and saw him standing in the customary white and black ANBU uniform, bird mask held loosely in his hand.
She felt too raw and vulnerable to see him after so soon of her visit to his father's grave and her most recent confession. She shifted her eyes to the ground at his feet and was so distracted she didn't even notice the missing honorific on her name.
" Hinata." He stepped toward her and she took a step back.
" Neji-nii-san." She murmured, holding herself in place and telling her body not to run. She would ask him what he needed but she did not have that much control of herself at the moment and unsure if her voice would crack.
" Hinata." He said again, walking forward until he stood one step away.
She remained where she was by sheer force of will and still couldn't bring herself to look up at him. He had hooked the white mask onto his belt and she focused on the side view of the white face.
There was silence and it took a while for her to realize he was standing still but with his hands opened and floating on either side of her shoulders. Her own arms came up her front crossing in a defensive gesture, fingers clenching on the material of the white sleeping yukata she had not changed out of, and automatically winced.
Some times even after all these years she still couldn't rid herself of the instinctive reactions to his presence.
His fingers twitched but then went around her form and gathered her up in his arms like she was a frightened child who was going to run away from him at any moment.
Maybe she was.
He pressed her gently to his form and she only succeeded in pushing down half of her shivers. From fear or cold, she wasn't ready to tell. She was confused about what was happening and why, but he was Neji and he always knew what he was doing.
Whether it was becoming strong or step-by-step killing her.
She winced again and his hold tightened.
" Stay." He said, shifting his face to her hair.
She froze, shoulders stilling from the trembles. " What."
" Stay with me." He said, arms curling around her form.
She pushed to lean back, but his hold gave no yield so she looked up to him. " Wh-wh...why?"
" You love me." He swallowed. " Give me the chance to feel the same."
" W-what?" Her heart pounded. How had he known?
. : - : .
Will the wind carry our secrets until forever.
. : - : .
His own heart was racing and he handled her like all-too-fragile glass, but he couldn't chance her running away either.
" Give me the chance." He said. " Let me...protect you."
She blinked back tears, and then slowly shook her head. " You don't need to protect me this way." She told him, voice small. " It's not your place."
He buried his face gently in her hair. " And if I wanted it to be?"
Her hands trembled as she curled her fingers on his vest. " I won't be an obligation. I refuse."
" Hmm." He hummed, face trailed to the curve of her neck.
Her heart hurt again, aching in an all too familiar way. I was supposed to be enough. Her eyes closed.
" And if I love you?" He asked. " If I went up to Hiashi-sama and asked him to marry us."
She squeezed her eyelids shut tight and her tender voice shook. " You would still have to be in love with me, Neji-nii-san." She told him, his name a reminder of the way things were.
" And what is love?" his voice darkened. " It is pink and roses and paper hearts? It is chocolate and anniversaries and soft love poems? I have heard of love, heard people speak of it. But I do not know love."
She bit her bottom lip, eyes shifted to the side.
" But," he said, " What is love? " One of his hands reached up to tangle in her hair and pressed her down to his chest. " Is it the fierce burning fire when I see you after a long absence. Is it the way your hair smells of lavender and your body of warmth. Is it the soft feel of your skin and the way I can never look away from your eyes.
Is it the feeling of wanting you beside me always so I know where you are and you are safe. Or the way some things will remind me of you at the most insane of times - like the white plum blossoms in the orchards at Wave Country on a mission, the dignified steps of a lady at High Court, the snow that blankets the world in winter."
His grip tightened more and more as he spoke. " Or is it the way your laughter will draw me near no matter where I am and the way I want to hoard and steal all of your smiles just for me."
She found it harder and harder to breathe but she wasn't sure if it was due to the realizations pressing down on her or the steel in his grip.
" Or is it the way your face, smile, voice, laughter, and your eyes that appear in front of my eyes every time in a mission where I at the edge and I think that I can't die because you are still here. Waiting - waiting for my return."
She choked back a sob and he tucked her head under his chin, voice rough. " What is love? I don't know, but give me the chance to find it if I can."
. : - : .
If the world must fade
I want to spend my last
moments with you.
. : - : .
She felt tears pricking at the back of her eyes and her vision slowly blurring, but it made no sense. She should have no tears left after all that she has cried today.
" Neji-nii-san..." she managed, half-choked.
" Is it the way," he said softly, " I cherish that title because it is for you and only you. And yet I hate it for all that it implies."
There was a low keening sound that came form the back of her throat and her tears slowly overflowed.
" W-why?" she asked, about everything and nothing.
" Because," he whispered, " I don't want to be your brother. I once was, but not anymore."
She felt like someone had taken a chain of spikes and wrapped it around her heart. " O-oh. I'm sorry."
" Why?" he asked. " It's not your fault."
She blinked back the tears and moved to step out of his embrace. " I-I-I...it'll be alright soon Neji-nii- Neji-kun." She smiled sadly down at the ground. " I'll be gone soon."
Hands grabbed her hard and shook her. " What are you talking about? Haven't you heard what I just said?"
" And how much of it is real?!" She hadn't meant to shout and looking into his eyes she saw he was startled. She swallowed painfully. " How much of it is from guilt and the need to repent? How much of it is to earn forgiveness? Is that it Neji-niisan? Are you feeling bad for what happened before? Because that's ok. I forgive you. So please...just please."
" Hinata..."
She choked. " I wanted so long...for us to be able to be equal and close. To be able to say each other's name without any kind of distinction or title. It was my dream."
She stared at him and slowly raised a hand to gently cup the side of his face. " What you said - it gave me hope. It was a fleeting hope. But thank you all the same. I'll treasure those words."
There was a wild rage in his eyes. A burning anger that made her suck in her breath and step back if he hadn't clenched her close and mashed their mouths messily together. One hand pressed at the back of her head not letting her push away and his lips were scorching as he kissed her again and again until his tongue pressed up insistently against her mouth and she had to grant him access.
It was fire and rage and passion. It was charka burning through her channels in ways she never knew before. It was her heart, thumping so fast and fierce it was almost painful both emotionally and physically. It was like flying, thinking that any moment you might fall but savouring every sensation of the wind blowing past.
It was Neji: pain and hurt and bitterness with fierce determination and passion. It was hopes and dreams of flight and freedom and love that was all encompassing. It was harsh and desperate and possessive and obsessive.
She gasped when he ripped at her coat, almost exposing her chest and latched onto her collarbone. He suckled but for a second before biting down. She cried out in startlement but he moved onto different spots doing the same. He littered her front with lover bits before pulling back up to kissed her thoroughly again to the soul.
When he finally pulled back his breath came in harsh pants and she was liquid against him.
" Listen to me." He said gruffly.
. : - : .
I don't believe in destiny
I believe in you.
. : - : .
" If you are gone, I'll come find you. If you run, I will chase you. If you try to turn me away," He laid his forehead upon her and tilted his head down to stare into her eyes. " I will not let you."
She gasped for breath as her hands weakly fisted on his chest. " But you - you don't love me."
His eyes were ablaze as they glared down into hers. " I will not let you go."
" But-but." Her lips trembled as she spoke, and he brushed across them with his in a soft tingling kiss. " I-I..."
" Love me." He said.
She swallowed. " I..."
" Love me." He repeated.
" Yes." She whispered, eyes fluttering closed. " Love you."
" Stay." He breathed out, the hot air again her skin made her gasp softly.
" I...can't." She squeezed out though the fog and tight throat.
His hands around her upper arms were painful, and she would be bruised.
" Why?" He demanded harshly.
Her head snapped up to face him, and unexpectedly she used all of her strength and pushed away.
" Because you don't mean it!" She cried and ran away.
He gave chase across the courtyard but she managed to step into the Main House before he caught up to her.
In the morning dawn, the light in his eyes was deep, dark, and scorching. He stared at the doorway, the shoji door made of rice paper so easily cut and the house of wood so easily broken, but that was not the power that blocked him out. The Main House was just waking up at this moment, and a Branch Member was not allowed entry. His eyes narrowed.
It's not over yet, Hinata.
. : If we let our love off of its leash, do you fear like I fear how fierce it would be : .