A/N: This is a fanfiction for the adult comedy film "the Lord of the G-Strings" (2003). Neither the real movie, nor this fanfic, contains any graphic sexual content; only raunchy, low-brow humor.
As with most of my fanfics, this contains information about the characters and the world they live in that was never revealed in the movie.
After the heroic and sexy throbbit Dildo Saggins destroyed the One G-String, there was great rejoicing all throughout Diddle Earth. Mead was consumed faster than it could be brewed; throbbit girls performed the ritualistic Dance of the Two Towers on picnic tables; and warriors from all the races of the Realm exchanged stories, bodily fluids, drugs and squiggly anime drawings of dragons.
Yet all in all, Queen Araporn couldn't fully share in the joy. There was an emptiness in the brunette warrior's soul that couldn't be filled with all the sexy throbbit babes in the Realm. She rose from the picnic blanket and strode to the tree where her sword and provisions sat.
"Queen Araporn?"
The warrior woman looked up from sheathing her sword. Before her stood the hero Dildo's two companions: Spam, the exotic dark-skinned throbbit from the province of Blaxploitationa; and Horny, the older but somewhat "special" throbbit, whose sultry face clashed with her squeaky, raspy voice. Of the savior herself, there was naught to be seen, save an abandoned cloak next to a bouncing, giggling, pile of bushes, where an abandoned skull-staff also sat nearby.
"Where are you going Araporn?" Horny asked, sounding saddened.
Spam added, "You're not leaving the party so early?"
"I'm afraid I must." the queen replied, in her low sultry voice. "For while your friend Dildo has completed her quest, I am nowhere close to completing mine. My throne lies under the beautiful rounded ass of my treacherous younger sister."
The two throbbits eyed her with awe.
Nervously, Spam asked, "Is this sister of yours...evil?"
Araporn held her head solemnly. "She is blonde."
The two throbbits exchanged a glance. It was one of the most fundamental rules of the throbbit religion that blondes were the direct descendants of Whorespank, the most evil sorceress who ever lived (though modern scientists generally agreed that Whorespank had black hair). Indeed, throbbits could be found to have hair of black, brunette, chestnut, and red, but never blonde. The color was unnatural to them.
"Drusilla overthrew me, and took over my kingdom of Lythonia. I must now embark on a quest of many herculean tasks, to prove that I have more courage, wit, and nobility than my sister. Then, when word of my achievements spread, my people will dethrone my sister and accept me once more."
"Oh! Well," Spam said, "We wish you the best of luck on your quest Araporn."
"Thank you." The queen turned and marched off into the forest.
Spam and Horny swapped another a glance.
"Man," Spam breathed. "I was scared pissless she was gonna do that whole 'I'm just going on my own 'cuz it's so dangerous, too bad two friends can come with me' bullshit."
"Yeah," Horny sighed. "I hate when Dildo does that. Hey! Wanna follow her?"
Spam shrugged. "Sure."
The two throbbits caught up to the ranger queen just as she was entering a large, black, paper mache cave. They looked at each other, and agreed to sneak in after her.
Deep inside the cave however, there was light, from many flickering torches hanging on the walls. In the center of the cave sat a stone alter, to which was lashed an attractive male in a deer hide speedo. Aside from this, he wore nothing else save a Gothic dragon pendant glistening on his slightly-hairy chest, and a horned Viking helmet.
Above him stood a familiar looking warrior-a tall muscular woman with bleached hair, and far too much make up.
"Fear not young virgin!" The blonde woman bellowed, raising her sword dramatically. "I am Drusilla, Queen of the Nymphomaniacs of Nymphland. I am not here to harm you. This is your destiny. I will bare your seed, and-"
"Not so fast!" Araporn interrupted, stepping forward, her sword drawn. "I've got a bone to pick with you, Dru!"
Drusilla's jaw dropped. "Araporn! I banished you!"
"Not for long, dear sister! I'm here to take back what is rightfully mine. The kingdom, and everything in it! My palace. My throne. My crown. And," her eyes fell to the man-damsel on the altar. "My boy toys."
The sexy man looked at his rescuer in awe.
The battle went on far longer than necessary, swords clinking, bobbies flopping, hair flowing like "Charlie's Angels." Finally, after many theatrical steps and twists and leaps, the fight came to an abrupt halt, as both women noticed the laughter of the hidden throbbits.
"Who is that back there, behind those rocks?" Drusilla demanded.
Araporn marched over and pulled the two sneaks up by the hair.
Drusilla's green eyes widened with recognition. "You brats!"
"Spam!" the ranger exclaimed. "Horny! You followed me!"
Laughing, the two throbbits stuck their hands in the air.
"We surrender," Horny giggled stupidly.
Drusilla was not impressed. "What is so funny this time?"
Barely able to contain her laughter, Spam marched over to the man at the altar, and pulled away his Viking helmet. "Look familiar?"
Drusilla's eyes bulged with fury. "YOU!"
It was Lloyd Krackens, the most notorious male throbbit in all of Throbbiton. Lloyd was known for acting like a helpless, nerdy virgin, to attract vicious women, and make them think they were the first to have their way with him.
"A throbbit!" Araporn exclaimed. "You tried to deceive us about your race?"
"Not just any throbbit," Spam laughed. "Lloyd Krackens, the man-whore who's duped every female in Diddle Earth! Who's seen more ass than toilet seats!"
Horny added, "Who's seen more tit than nipple piercing parlors!"
Spam's laughter halted, and she gave the stupider throbbit a look.
Wearily, Lloyd asked the two throbbit girls, "Why can't you twats leave well-enough alone?"
Drusilla and Arapon were suddenly towering over him, each woman with a sword in her hand and a vengeful gleam in her eye.
With a wavering cry, Lloyd slipped out of his bonds and bolted. The two warrior women chased him out of the cave, and through the forest.
Lloyed pumped his bare legs as fast as they could propel him, until he was at the edge of the forest...staring into the face of Party Pooper Volcano. The mountain where it was rumored the One G-String had been created, and destroyed. Would he dare venture into the Volcano, to avoid the wrath of a warrior princess and a ranger queen?
"There he is!" Drusilla hollered, pointing with her sword.
Lloyd screamed and rushed onward.
Drusilla and Araporn stepped into the dark room, in lowest part of the bowls of Party Pooper Volcano. It looked like a basement, with cinder block walls lined with pipes. Lloyd was nowhere to be seen. The only person in the room was a man of perhaps thirty, with a short beard and glasses, wearing a backwards baseball cap, a T-shirt, jeans and sneakers. He sat in a little chair, reading a Batman comic under the light of a bare lightbulb that hung from the ceiling. He took no notice of the two women.
Drusilla whispered, "That must be the Keeper of the Volcano!"
Araporn cleared her throat, hands on her hips.
The man looked up at her, unimpressed.
"Good sir, we are tracking a fiend who pretends to be persons he is not. A man named Lloyd Krakens."
The man shrugged. "Can't say I know him."
An awkward silence overtook the two sisters.
"I suppose we've failed." Drusilla said. "I can't believe I let that idiot fool me!"
"We were both fooled, sister."
Drusilla looked at Araporn sadly. "Oh Araporn...I'm sorry I stole your Queendom. I, I was on my period, and I was mad when Mom said you made a better princess than I did, and then that whole thing with the Dorc guy and the fairy hemp," she sniffled, tears coming to her eyes, as Araporn returned the sad gaze. "I'm sorry!" she croaked, as the two sisters hugged. "I'll give you your kingdom back Araporn."
"Oh, Drusilla," Araporn sobbed.
The ranger's tears stopped abruptly when she did a double-take at the comic-reader's book. "Is that a Batman comic?"
The man shrugged again, and nodded.
"Huh…I have been looking my whole life for a nerdy guy!"
"Hey," Drusilla angrily smacked her sister's arm. "I saw him first!"
"Well I spoke to him first!"
With something between a roar and a squeal, Drusilla drew her sword, and the two women were fighting once more. They slashed and stabbed and punched at each other, dancing around the room. The Keeper of the Volcano watched them impassively for a few seconds, then returned to his comic, ignoring the battling women. Eventually, he got up and went to pinch a soda from the 'fridge that sat in the corner. When he opened the refrigerator door, he showed mild surprise at the sight of Lloyd huddled inside. The throbbit handed a can of Pepsi to the bemused Guardian, while checking to see that the two sisters were distracted. Certain that the coast was clear, Lloyd darted out of the fridge, shivering slightly, and hurried out of the room. The Guardian took a seat back in his chair and continued his comic.
FIN.