AN: This has been edited, and uploaded again, but it is the same plot as it was originally.
Dear Kathryn,
Sometimes I wonder why it is that I keep holding on. But I know that is a stupid question I should not even ask myself. It's your strength; you're kindness, and your fierce desire to be the best that you can be. It's your beautiful blue eyes, and your silky long auburn hair. It is your leadership, your ability to keep going under difficult circumstances. It is your thirst for life, your drive to succeed. It's your passion to explore. It is your mesmerising smile, your infectious laugh; it is everything that makes you. That's what I keep holding on for. As much as you are all of this, you're also closed off. Your defences are higher than a wall as tall as a mountain. You are so independent that you find hard to trusts others with your heart. Regardless of how open others may be to you.
I'm not saying you are cold hearted or don't have any trust in others at all, no. This is not at all what I am saying. I don't believe anyone could ever say such a thing. I just mean that no matter how much I care for you, love you, trust you, you still don't let me in. It breaks my heart. I would do anything for you. I want to make you happy, and I know that you are not truly happy. You always try to be strong for everyone around you. You make sure everyone you care for is safe but at the expense of your own needs.
No matter how much I try to make you understand and see that I am here to catch you when you fall, that I am here to make your worries go away, that I am here to share your burdens, to make you feel loved and cared for, that I am here to be what ever it is you want me to be, my efforts always seem to fall short. I still feel like I am on the outside of your life, looking in and seeing the mess that you still can't seem to figure out how to clean up. It hurts me to know that if you just let me in, if you just let those walls down for a short while, that maybe I could help, or at least make you feel like someone was there to help guide you through your battles, to be by your side, and to be that one person you could always count on.
After New Earth, I thought we had gotten somewhere. For just one night, you had let everything go. All your worries, all your burdens, you stopped caring about others for just one night. You listened to your own desires. You gave yourself something you knew you needed and knew your heart wanted, not only that but I gave into my own desires as well. In the space of an hour, you had let everything go, we had let everything go. You looked into my eyes and I stared right back into yours, I saw your passion, your lust, and your desire. I saw the real you for the first time since I had met you.
'I want you.' Those three words had been like music to my ears. You gave me the permission I needed. Within seconds our lips had crashed together. Within minutes I was lifting your clothing above your head, and then you were removing mine. Our desire and emotions had taken over, and we were making love to each other. Answering each others long suppressed needs to be with the other. I could never forget the softness of your skin, the gentleness of your caresses. I remember your smelt like citrus as I entangled my hands within its long waves. For just one night, I had everything I always wanted, and so did you.
When Voyager called that morning, you told me you were sorry. You looked deep into my soul, and told me that you wanted to be with me. But you also told me that returning to Voyager meant that we couldn't be. I wanted to tell you that I loved you; to tell you that things didn't have to be the way you thought they did. I wanted to take you into my arms and run away with you as fast as I could. I wanted to fight you, because I didn't want the only thing I had ever really wanted to end. I didn't want it all to shatter into a thousand shards of broken dreams.
'One last time?' I had said and you simply took my hand in yours, and pulled me closer. You kissed me softly on the lips before breaking away to look into my eyes once again. You said…
'If we did, we would never be able to go back to the way things were.' This confused me, because I knew I didn't want too go back to the way things were. I was sure you didn't want too either.
'But I don't want to go back to the way things were, surely you do not either?'
'No, I don't Chakotay, but we have no choice. The ship comes first before my personal needs and wants. That's how it always has been, and always will be. The minute we step back on Voyager.' I didn't want to argue, so I left it. I could see you were torn up about it, just as I was. We packed up, and were beamed off the one place I had been the most content in my life.
Since that night, we had been friends, nothing more. You had closed me out, just like you had before New Earth. I kept hoping that you would realise you could be happy, take care of the ship, and the crew's needs, but you never did. For another two years, you kept yourself just out of reach from others. I found myself yet again, looking into your life every single day from the outside. Always wishing for you to let me in again. I loved you, and you knew that. I could see it in your eyes. I could see the hurt each time you remembered that night back on New Earth. At one point, you asked to see me in your ready room and of course, I obliged. But upon entering, the second those doors hissed closed, you told me that we couldn't keep going on like this. You gave me a choice. To move on and accept that friendship was all we could have, or go backwards, a professional relationship only.
'Damn it Kathryn! Why can't you realise that you are my world? You are the love of my life!' My outburst had come unexpectedly and I noticed that I had upset you by it. There was a long silence that loomed in the air. Containing only fear, hurt, and anger. 'I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make things more difficult than they already are.' I knew I had kicked the bucket so to speak. Tears started to swell up in your eyes, and you turned to look out view port. I knew you were ordering me out without saying a single word. I did as you silently commanded and now, I regret it. I should have fought for you because maybe if I did, I wouldn't be so hurt. Now, I find myself wondering what it was that I did wrong.
Kashyk and Michael… why? Why them when you could have had me? This is what confuses me the most. You say that you cannot be with me because you cannot put your needs first. Yet I know you were only with them to satisfy a need. I knew it wasn't because you loved them. I know I should have been angry, but I wasn't, I was just hurt. Yes, I supported you despite this incredible pain I was feeling. For months, I felt like I had fallen into a deep, dark hole. I had become lost within it, with no way to get out. It was something that I couldn't even fathom. I was there for you all along, and you knew how much I loved you. Did you not love me? Was that night on New Earth simply because I was the only one who could offer you what you needed? I had always thought that you loved me. But as I sift through the fragments of my memory, I wonder if you ever told me that you love me.
My memory takes me back to that night on New Earth. To the moment when we were lying there, content to be with each other. At this point in time, I am trying to understand the events that had just transpired. Trying to acknowledge what was happening right now, in this moment. I was lying with the most beautiful woman, the strongest woman, the kindest, most passionate, and loving woman I had ever met. Something I never thought would ever be possible. I'm tired, but it is a good kind of tired. Ever so gently, I am absentmindedly stroking your soft features. You are lying with your head on my chest, listening to my heart beating. You say to me something that I barely make out…
'I never thought I would be here with you like this. It's nice. I don't know why I didn't let myself be with you till now.' There was a long silence as I tried to process what you said. 'I'm sorry Chakotay. I shouldn't have even brought this up. I've ruined the moment.'
'No Kathryn, it's okay, a moment such as this cannot be ruined. I'm just glad to be with you here, right now. What happened in the past, we cannot change, we can only decide on our future.' More silence, I felt myself starting to drift into sleep. Finally, I heard three words, which I didn't register at the time.
'I love you.' You had said those three words, so softly. Everything I had ever wanted to hear, and I didn't even know you had said it at the time. Sleep had consumed me seconds after, and you didn't say it again. How could I have missed that? I guess it doesn't matter now, what does is that you had told me you loved me. Yet you chose to pursue relationships with two other people that you don't even love? I just don't understand.
So I guess I should tell you, if you are reading this, why I have decided write this. I am writing this letter about my feelings, about us, about my inner most thoughts about us. About our friendship, and everything else in between. We have known each other for six years; I have loved you for six years. I have loved you since the very first moment I saw you. Way back when I saw you on my own ships view screen. I just can't keep it to myself anymore. I don't know if I can go on with my life having this uncertainty. Would you ever stop flirting with me? Will you ever stop dancing around your feelings, and let yourself love me like you did that night on New Earth?
I want you to let me love you, to let me take care of you, and satisfy your desires. I want to be there for you in every way; as your friend, as your lover, as your first officer, as your confidante. I want to be your shoulder to cry on, the one person you can count on to make your burdens lighter. I want to be apart of your life, not the one who is always looking in anymore. I want to be more to you than I am now. I wanted you to know the truth about how I feel. I think I have said everything I wanted you to know. But to sum it up in the simplest way possible, I love you Kathryn, in every single way. I can't just turn that off, or plainly ignore it like I always have. I cannot keep telling myself 'I'll be here when she is ready for me'. I've realised now that I need to make a choice, that you need to make a choice.
Take me or leave me, I am ready to take the next step. I know you have your reasons why you don't want to pursue a relationship with me. I know you think the crew will disapprove, but I disagree. We are a family; we care about each other and want each other to be happy. I know that you are worried about rank and protocol. However, last time I checked, we were a long way away from Starfleet. In any case, I think they would expect the crew to develop all kinds of close relationships on their journey home. But what does it matter anyway? You are a strong woman Kathryn. You are loving, kind and compassionate. You will do what ever it takes you get this crew home and to look out for them. Regardless of what is happening in your own personal life.
I know that this decision will not be easy for you to make, and I respect that. But I need to know if you love me, or if I am waiting for something that will never happen. I need to know if my hope is false. I need to know if I am waiting to put the pieces of my dreams back together, only to have them shattered again. I cannot force you to love me, and I know that. I know that you don't choose who you fall in love with, but I know that I have fallen in love with you. And I can't do anything to change that. I will always be your friend Kathryn. Don't think that by not loving me means we can't be friends. I know I may have implied this earlier in my letter, but that is not at all the case. I will still always be your friend, what ever you choose. There will just have to be more parameters than what we have in place now. My choice is you, I choose you, and I don't want anyone else but you.
You are the love of my life, the only one I want, and if you feel the same way, you know where to find me. I will be waiting, but I know I can no longer wait for you forever. I also know that I will never love anyone again like I love you. I guess what I am saying is, if you don't love me, I will lose either way whether I move on or if I don't. But at least if I move on, I may have some chance at finding temporary happiness. Anyway, you don't really need to know about what will happen to me, I just wanted to tell you how I feel, and now that I have, I hope that you will tell me how you feel. If you don't, I will understand, and respect your decision, and your feelings. But please, talk to me about this. Please don't leave me to wonder what may or may not be anymore. I need answers and I cannot move on in my life without some. I hope I will be seeing you soon, in a non-professional sense. Regardless of whether you want to hear it or not, I love you.
Forever your first officer, friend, and confidante with love,
Chakotay.
Folding the letter, Chakotay slipped it into the envelope and sealed it. Taking a deep breath, he stared at the letter in his hands, void of any being, yet speaking a thousand words. Evoking thousands of thoughts and feelings. Was he doing the right thing? Will she admit her love or does she not love him at all? Another deep breath, finally he placed it on the table in the middle of her ready room along with a rose. He turned to leave, placing his weekly report on her desk before exiting her ready room.