Summary: Before her wedding, Rachel texts Eddie and asks if they can go out for one last meal, to make sure she is making the right decision. Oh, and Melissa's baby had turned out not to be Eddie's.
Let me hold you
For the last time
It's the last chance to feel again
But you broke me
Now I can't feel anything
His chocolate brown eyes still swam with the warmth, love and compassion that she had loved so much, that had driven them apart. He stood up as she reached the table and greeted her with a smile dancing on his lips. His soft, gentle voice was still tender and caring. And as he kissed her lightly on the cheek, all the memories of two years ago came flooding back.
She couldn't do it. His selflessness and kindness had caused her so much pain, and she realised that there were some things that time could not erase. Two years seemed like a lifetime ago.
When I love you
It's so untrue
I can't even convince myself
When I'm speaking
It's the voice of someone else
She was glad to see him, she couldn't deny it. But when she tried to tell him how much she missed him, how glad she was that they had got back in touch, she realised she was lying. She loved him as a friend, but the butterflies she used to feel when she saw his face were no longer there. There was no longer a bolt of electricity when they brushed fingertips.
She returned his hug, her head still fitting perfectly below his chin, their bodies like the missing pieces of a jigsaw. But as she squeezed him tightly, breathing in his familiar scent, she couldn't feel anything.
Oh it tears me up
I tried to hold on but it hurts too much
I tried to forgive but it's not enough
To make it all okay
She had spent hours lying on her own, sobbing as her heart broke. For a whole summer, she had grieved as though he had died. It felt so wrong for him to suddenly be there, embracing her and planting little kisses on the top of his head. If he hadn't left her for her sister, maybe they would still have had something. If he had been more assertive with Melissa, asked her when exactly he had supposedly got her pregnant, then maybe she wouldn't have had to go through all that pain. But he hadn't, and she had had to piece her life back together again. Alone.
You can't play on broken strings
You can't feel anything
That your heart don't want to feel
I can't tell you something that ain't real
It should have all been so perfect – she had loved him like she had never loved anyone before. How could something so huge, so life-consuming just flicker and die so quickly? But she knew she couldn't throw her whole life away and break Adam's heart to try and rekindle a dying fire. She wanted to love him so badly; it was tearing her apart not being able to feel anything, but she couldn't make herself return his loving, excited glances. She stroked his hand sadly, and he wiped away a tear that fell from her tortured eyes.
Oh the truth hurts
A lie is worse
I can't like it anymore
And I love you a little less than before
He realised that something was wrong – they knew each other inside out. And as he tried to kiss her, tried to make everything better, she pushed him sadly away. It was breaking her heart, but she couldn't pretend she still loved him. She realised how difficult it must have been for him to walk away from her when he did – she didn't even feel anything and yet she couldn't bring herself to do it. She allowed herself to lie against his chest, desperately trying to repress the sobs that threatened to overpower her. And just like he always had, he waited patiently until she was ready to talk to him. He stroked her auburn hair lightly whispering in her ear, telling her that everything would be OK now they had each other. But she knew he was wrong.
Oh what are we doing
We are turning into dust
Playing house in the ruins of us
She sat up, feeling even more guilty for letting herself get so close. If she was going to break his heart, she could at least not let him get his hopes up. Apart from slightly lighter hair and a few more lines on his gentle face, he was the same person she had fallen head over heels for. But after falling so deeply for him, she had slowly dragged herself back to her feet and moved on with her life. Falling is accidental, and once you know what made you fall, you know to avoid it in the future. And no matter how hard you try, human nature will not allow you to trip over the same obstacle twice; you will always remember where it is. Human nature does not want you to get hurt twice.
Running back through the fire
When there's nothing left to save
It's like chasing the very last train
When it's too late, too late
Maybe if they had met up earlier, before her broken heart had healed. Maybe then her walls would still be broken down and she could let him in. Because that summer, her walls had well and truly crumbled, and she was reduced to nothing. But he hadn't come back, and now it was too late. She couldn't even bear to talk to him as a friend – it was just too painful. There was so much they could have had, and so much they had lost.
Oh it tears me up
I tried to hold on but it hurts too much
I tried to forgive but it's not enough
To make it all okay
She knew it was not really his fault – he couldn't have abandoned his baby. It wasn't even Melissa's fault – how was she supposed to know that they had feelings for each other? But neither of them considered how she was supposed to feel, and they had hurt her so badly. And although she had forgiven him, she couldn't forget the pain. Just reliving all those emotions tonight was hard enough and she didn't think she could bear to feel them every time she woke up in the morning.
You can't play on broken strings
You can't feel anything
That your heart don't want to feel
I can't tell you something that ain't real
Sitting across from each other in the dimly-lit restaurant made her feel like she was sitting in a dream from a past life. In the dream, they were made for each other, and electricity crackled between them. But in real life, there was nothing there. She tried desperately to feel something, anything, but there was only pain and confusion. She couldn't even feel regret. She had always believed that she was so in control of her emotions, but as she searched her empty heart for any love at all, she realised that she had no control over it whatsoever.
Oh the truth hurts
A lie's worse
I can't take it anymore
When I love you a little less than before
Oh and I love you a little less than before
She remembered the pain when he had walked away from her two years ago. She had felt as though someone was literally wrenching her heart into two pieces. Could she really do that to him? But she couldn't just enter a relationship where she didn't love the other person. She hated herself for being so cold-hearted that she couldn't just sit down and enjoy a meal with the person she had shared so much with in the past. He had been her rock when she was being blackmailed; he had picked her up when everyone else wanted to kick her while she was down. The months they spent 'officially' going out were the best few months of her life. She had loved him thousands of times more than she had ever loved anyone before, even more than she loved Adam now. But she had loved him, past tense.
Let me hold you for the last time
It's the last chance to feel again}
She stood up and walked round to his side of the table. She motioned for him to stand too, and she pressed her lips firmly and finally against his and hugged him like she never wanted to let go. She knew when she did let go, she would have to do the hardest thing she had ever done in her life. She realised as the tears poured down her face, that even the hottest, brightest flames can flicker and die in seconds. Rachel Mason was over Eddie Lawson.
Their starters hadn't even arrived, but she couldn't get his hopes up any longer. She turned round and walked away.