Summary: I'm torn between the past that I want to keep and the fear that I could lose that part of me. Just trying to hold myself together while I risk it all.

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Part of Me

Torn between the past that I want to keep

With the fear that I could lose that part of me

~Part of Me, Gold Brother

Lily Evans sat on the window bench; her legs pulled up close to her chest in an attempt to provide some sort of comfort to herself. She was in emotional turmoil, a whirlwind storm of her own making. Worst of all, she had no one to talk her through it because no one in her life could know what she felt at that moment. That could be the end of everything. This was one storm she would have to face alone.

Lily's life was not normal, was at times hard to wrap your head around, but there had always been a few things she knew deep down in her soul to be true. The first was that she had an older sister; one who had once been her best friend but who had grown distant over the years. The second was that she had always known she was different, special; that fact was confirmed by the discovery that she was a witch and would be attending a school for magical education. The third fact was that James Potter was the biggest prat she had ever met, and she would despise him for her entire life.

But know, one of those truths was in question. One of them might not, actually, be a correctly held assumption. Could she possibly be falling for the biggest prat, James Potter? That wasn't possible. It would mean the undermining of her other deeply held truths. It would mean the potential changing of her entire life, of who she believed she was.

And yet, her heart was telling her that it fancied James Potter, that she fancied him. She needed to decide. Would she take the leap, or would she hold on to the past for all it was worth?

Lily liked the past. It was known, comforting. She knew what had happened and could easily use it, so long as things didn't change too much, to guess what her future would hold. In the past, James was a horrible person that Lily could easily dislike, and she knew that he would always continue to act as he had, and she would always continue to hate him. It was such a certainty, her dislike of James Potter, that it had essentially become a part of her. She defined herself by her hatred of James Potter, especially since it made her extremely unique amongst the female population at Hogwarts.

Then, James had come back for seventh-year as a totally different person. Gone was the laid-back, self-absorbed, troublemaker. No longer did he seem interested in pranking or tormenting those he deemed unworthy. Instead, he put in effort in his classes, worked hard at his homework, and actually showed up for his Head Boy duties. The James that met Lily on the train that first day, and continued to show up to all prefect meetings, was serious and sullen. In fact, Lily couldn't remember the last time she'd seen a smile, previously ever-present, on James' face. It was a little off-putting.

With the change in James came a change in Lily. He was no longer someone she could easily hate. That part of her, that defining quality, her hatred of James, was gone. Was she losing a part of herself, with this new James? Could she choose to keep hating him and hope that part of her remained? Did she even want to keep that part of her?

Lily buried her face into her curled up legs and let out a frustrated groan. 'Why were these things so hard?' she thought to herself.

A creaking sound alerted her to the fact that she was no longer alone. She took a deep breath to try and collect herself and turned to face the current subject of her internal struggle.

James entered the Head dormitory with his head down, staring at his feet. He didn't notice Lily at first, simply shuffled off towards his room. Lily watched his progress, this boy who resembled nothing like the James she had come to know over the past six years.

"James," Lily heard herself calling out after him before she was aware of having done it. She blushed a little at her momentarily lack of control. James turned slowly at her calling; a questioning look on his face. "Do you want to get some tea down in the Great Hall? It's a little cold up here and I could use a pick me up before we head out on rounds tonight."

A smile broke out across James' face. "Sure. I'd love too."

The End