Codename: Kids Next Door fanfiction Numbuh 1
Operation BOTTOM
Being
On
TV
Terrifies
Our
Mothers
Disclaimer - I DO NOT own Kids Next Door or Bottom. I'm just writing for the heck of it, not to make moolah! This isn't a story about the buttocks, but a parody of a funny Brit sitcom called Bottom. It's about 2 flatmates who get into all sorts of scrapes. For this story, Numbuh 1 will take the part of Richie, a sex-starved idiot. Numbuh 4 will take the part of Eddie Hitler, another idiot, but is smarter than Richie! This story is taken from the Bottom episode titled 'Hole'. In this episode, Numbuhs 1 and 4 find themselves trapped on a Ferris wheel! Enjoy!
Rating - I rated this PG-13 as it contains a bit of violence, a couple of possibly bad words and scenes that may be unsuitable for younger readers, such as alcohol drinking and talking about what they'd do if they were reincarnated!
[The shot opens on a double seat suspended in the top of a Ferris wheel, slowly creaking back and forth. Carnival music can be heard in the background as Numbuh 1 & Numbuh 4 peer over the sides of the car down at the fairground below.]
Numbuh 1: Right, now this is definitely the last ride of the evening, Numbuh 4. We've had more than enough fun for one night; working our way through all the stalls and attractions... Besides which, I think I'm about up to my three quid limit. How much did this ride cost, by the way?
Numbuh 4: Three quid.
Numbuh 1: Well, there you are you see, I was right.
Numbuh 4: I'd just like another go on that 'throwing the darts at the cards' thingy.
Numbuh 1: Yes, yes, well that stall's closed now isn't it... [Numbuh 4 looks puzzled] because the proprietor's in the eye hospital.
Numbuh 4: Ohh, yes. And the waltzer is closed as well, hasn't it.
Numbuh 1: Yes.
Numbuh 4: I had no idea I'd eaten so much. It went everywhere, didn't it?
Numbuh 1: Yes, yes. You looked like a sprinkler as you went round. It was really actually very attractive.
Numbuh 4: Yeah.
Numbuh 1: Yeah. I was awfully lucky to have that pensioner to stand behind. She was furious! You whizzed round three times and she looked like the creature from the swamp!
Numbuh 4: I'm not sure all that was mine, you know. I don't remember eating all those horrible lumps of gristle.
Numbuh 1: No, no, no, that was her face, Numbuh 4.
Numbuh 4: Oh. Well at least I feel better now, that's the main thing.
Numbuh 1: Yes, that's the main thing.
Numbuh 4: Which is surprising, really, considering the ghost train 'unpleasantness'.
Numbuh 1: Ooh, yeah that was nasty wasn't it? Yeah. Wasn't coming out of your mouth that time, was it?
Numbuh 4: Well they shouldn't make 'em so scary, should they?
Numbuh 1: Well it's a lot scarier now, I can tell you! You have to put on a gas mask to get in there now!
Numbuh 4: I was lucky the bloke standing next to me passed out; otherwise I'd never have got his trousers.
Numbuh 1: How do they fit, by the way?
Numbuh 4: Hmm, Not bad, not bad. [Numbuh 4 stands up, revealing he is wearing a pleated skirt.]
Numbuh 1: You know, I'm not sure he was a bone-fide bloke, you know. Got a sort of 'skirty' feeling to them, these trousers, haven't they?
Numbuh 4: I think he may have been Scottish.
Numbuh 1: Oh, oh, oh, well that's all right then.
Numbuh 4: Yes, Och aye-Whoops-a-daisy.
Numbuh 1: Yes, the Scottish are allowed to be transvestites.
Numbuh 4: That's right.
[The car begins to creak and rock slightly]
Numbuh 1: Ooh, eh up, we're moving. Hold on tight and for god's sake don't foul yourself again. Here we go, start screaming.
[Numbuhs 1 & 4 wave their hands in the air and scream as the wheel turns slightly moving the car forward about three feet.]
Numbuh 1: What, is that it? Well that's ridiculous! It's just a complete rip off! I paid three quid for that ride! It's bad enough two KND operatives like us having to pay full price.
Numbuh 4: [Looking over the sides] Oh, calm down, Numbuh 1. They're just letting some more people on.
Numbuh 1: What! Are they? Oh, oh, oh, yes, yes, yes. I, good. I knew that. Oooh, hey, Numbuh 4, maybe it's Numbuh 3 and Numbuh 5 that have been following us around all night.
Numbuh 4: [Excitedly looking over the side] Where?!
Numbuh 1: No, no, no, no, no don't look! It'll show them that we fancy them, and that we're keen.
Numbuh 4: Yeah, but we are!
Numbuh 1: Yes, I know that, but we don't want them to know.
Numbuh 4: [Confused] Why not?
Numbuh 1: [Gasps] Because then they'll know that we fancy them, then we'll get off with them, then we'll go back to the treehouse and possibly kiss them.
Numbuh 4: [Nodding] Yeah.
Numbuh 1: [Confused pause then realization dawns] Oh yeah! Oh yeah! I can see your point! [Inadvertently points to Numbuh 4's crotch]
Numbuh 4: Well it's this new skirt, it rucks up very easily!
Numbuh 1: Come on, Numbuh 4! This is it!
Numbuh 4: Yeah.
Numbuh 1: Let's wave at them and wink at them and stuff and let them know we're on.
Numbuh 4: Right-o.
Numbuh 1: Oh, Numbuh 4,
Numbuh 4: Yeah?
Numbuh 1: How do I look?
Numbuh 4: You use your eyeballs, don't you?
Numbuh 1: Eyeballs! Eyeballs! Ok, right. All set?
Numbuh 4: Yeah. [Nods expectantly]
Numbuh 1: Sexy faces on! [They pull their ogling faces] Let's ogle them! [They do so]
Numbuh 4: Hey! Hang on, Numbuh 1. Numbuh 1, how do we know which one's who's?
Numbuh 1: Oh, ah, well mine's a cracker.
Numbuh 4: What's mine like?
Numbuh 1: Not bad, not bad. Not as many legs as the other one. It's a shame about the beard. Apart from that, smashing!
Numbuh 4: Are you sure she's not a bloke?
Numbuh 1: What do you mean a bloke? I know a bird when I see one!
Numbuh 4: Was she smoking a pipe?
Numbuh 1: Yeah.
Numbuh 4: And is she called Keith?
Numbuh 1: [Thinks] Yeah.
Numbuh 4: You fool! That's Keith and Deirdre!
Numbuh 1: Yeah! Keith's your bird and Deirdre's mine! Mine's the one with the little blue mini-skirt and the tattoos of Little and Large on her thighs. (FYI, Little and Large are a British comedy duo.)
Numbuh 4: No, it's Keith and Deirdre from the Lamb & Flag mixed doubles tag mud-wrestling team!
Numbuh 1: Oh yeah?!
Numbuh 4: Yeah!
Numbuh 1: Well why was she giving me the eye all night, hey? Not the glass one, the other one? And how come the bird with the beard kept pointing at you?
Numbuh 4: BECAUSE HE'S KEITH! One Legged Mad-Dog Keith McFrenzy! And I owe him candy. He's been chasing me for months! Why do you think I always get mumps during mud-wrestling week?
Numbuh 1: Look! [Stands] They don't call me the Kids Next Door Crumpet Radar for nothing! I tell you, one look at me and she was SCREAMING for my underwear.
Numbuh 4: SHE IS BLIND !!!
Numbuh 1: Yes. Yes... Yes... Yes... Yes, well she obviously just sensed my musky sort of smell.
Numbuh 4: Yes, we've all 'been sensing your sort of musky smell' for nigh on four years! And will you buy another shirt?
Numbuh 1: This is an original Kevin Kline! (I know he's an actor, but I saw a show about designer label copying, and the guy bought a pair of Kevin Kline jeans!)
Numbuh 4: Yeah, it's THE original Kevin Kline! Hasn't had a wash since you became Numbuh 1!
Numbuh 1: Well if you had the common decency, to go out and get yourself a solo mission and not hang around the treehouse all day like some vast slug, then perhaps I would have the opportunity to take my top off and wash it without the risk of you seeing my nipples!
Numbuh 4: I've already seen your nipples. EVERYBODY has! Remember Operation 'No P in the Pool'?
[Long pause with both in a silent huff]
Numbuh 1: [Annoyed] Oh, why isn't this ruddy ride working?! We've been on it for at least ruddy three minutes.
Numbuh 4: Well look, it is the tallest Ferris wheel in North America, Numbuh 1. It takes a while to get everyone on board.
[Just then the coloured lights on the struts facing the camera blink off]
Numbuh 4: Hey, the lights have gone out.
Numbuh 1:That's weird, isn't it? Heey! Maybe it's a love Ferris wheel! [Looks over side] Hey! They're not letting anyone else on, Numbuh 4. In fact... Numbuh 4, we're the only ones on the whole ride...In fact, it looks like they're closing up for the night!
[The carnival music stops]
Numbuh 4: I was enjoying that. Reminded me of my Granddad's funeral.
Numbuh 1: [To someone below, waving] I say! I Say! [To Numbuh 4] Oh, thank God, they've seen us. They're waving [laugh] they're not using all their fingers...[Lowers his fingers one by one until just the middle finger is extended, and begins waving it back at them. Numbuh 4 gives a 2-fingered salute] Yes! Yes! Hello! I say, what time does the ride start? Aha, Yah, er, ah, yeh, yar, yah...[To Numbuh 4] I can't understand a word he's saying... Aha, Hmm.
Numbuh 4: I don't think he's actually saying anything, I think he's just sort of swearing indiscriminately and running off towards the gate.
Numbuh 1: What! That's outrageous! [To person] I say! Uh, uh... Bloody... [To Numbuh 4] What is it you should in the slums...uh, 'Uggie Uggie Uggie!'
Numbuh 4: Oh, yes, you've got his attention now.
Numbuh 1: Now look here! I used to live in Bromley.
Numbuh 4: Hey, he's picking something up.
Numbuh 1: Yep, and that's a pretty wild place.
Numbuh 4: Yep, they've all got something now.
Numbuh 1: And I picked up one or two tips on punch-ups while I was down there.
Numbuh 4: DUCK!
Numbuh 1: Where?
[Numbuh 1 gets hit with a projectile from below, knocking him down.]
Numbuh 4: [To people below] Hey! Good shot, Mister! Give yourself a goldfish! Look out, here come some more!
Numbuh 1: What?
[Numbuhs 1 & 4 take cover in the car as a barrage of bricks, bottles and other junk comes hurtling at them from below.]
Numbuh 1: [After the barrage stops] I don't understand! What did we do? What did we do!?
Numbuh 4: Well, we ARE the Kids Next Door.
Numbuh 1: So?
Numbuh 4: We fight adults, don't we?
Numbuh 1: And?
Numbuh 4: So the adults are bound to get even with us sooner or later!
Numbuh 1: Well, why now? How are we supposed to stop adults when we're stuck up here?
Numbuh 4: I think it's all over now... They're all sort of, going away. In fact, everyone's going away. I think the whole fair is closing down!
Numbuh 1: What complete NINCOMPOOPS! They can't treat us like this! We're operatives of the Kids Next Door! Now look here you roustabouts! I've got a photographic memory! And I'm going to memorize all of you. [Makes stupid concentrating face at several people below, one of whom does something unpleasant...] And I'll certainly remember that! Right! Numbuh 4, write down the details for the police inquiry, they're not going to get away with this! [Numbuh 4 opens a comic and starts reading] Wallabee Elizabeth Beatles, and myself were sitting down, peacefully, in a northerly direction at precisely... Er... [Searches his wrists for a watch] bother, what's the time, Numbuh 4?
Numbuh 4: Erm, it's erm... [Takes out a pocket watch from under his coat and looks at it.]
Numbuh 1: Hang on! That's my watch!
Numbuh 4: [Realizing he's been found out, tries to cover] Eh, eh yes. I just thought I'd bring it along for you.
Numbuh 1: My special gold watch? The family heirloom? The one that Grandpa Uno found on that body in the Somme?
Numbuh 4: Yes, I just thought you might need to... You know, know the time.
Numbuh 1: Thanks, Numbuh 4! [Takes the watch from Numbuh 4] Uh, Right! At precisely three-thirty... eh? That can't be right can it? [Throws the watch up in the air and catches it to test it's weight] It's awfully light, Numbuh 4.
Numbuh 4: Yeah, well I took the innards out. [Slips up again and again tries to cover] Err... Because it was ever so heavy, wasn't it...it was making a little dint in your shirt pocket, wasn't it? I got rid of them at that antique clocky sort of place. Have you seen my new PS2?
Numbuh 1: No, hang on Numbuh 4, shut up about PS2s. I think you might have bished here... I mean, if it hasn't got any innards, how are we going to what the time is?
Numbuh 4: Well, it's obviously midnight, isn't it?
Numbuh 1: Well how do you work that out?
Numbuh 4: Because the fair closes at midnight and the fair's closed!
Numbuh 1: Oh right, the fair's closed. Ugh! [Panics] The fair's closed! The fair's closed! Numbuh 4! Numbuh 4! The fair's closed and we're stuck 350 feet up in the air on a Ferris wheel!
Numbuh 4: Yes, it's a living nightmare. [Lifts a pint of Coca Cola(tm) up into view from behind the comic and takes a drink.]
Numbuh 1: Don't panic, don't panic... [Nervous laugh] Don't panic Mr. Manwearing [again] (Mr Manwearing is a character from another sitcom named Dad's Army) Right, eh, come on Numbuh 1, uh...Numbuh 4, take all your clothes off and knot them together.
Numbuh 4: Knot what together?
Numbuh 1: Oh, no! I've got it. [Boasting] Right, ha... This is where the old KND training comes in handy, yeah... I wish I'd had some. Right. I'm going to go off and get help, will you be all right on your own?
Numbuh 4: Oh yes, [referring to his comic] there's a full page advert for Co-op here, it's got pictures and everything; I should be all right for an hour or two.
Numbuh 1: Off I go. [Makes nervous noises] [Begins climbing up the frame of the Ferris wheel, then thinks for a moment and climbs back down into the car.] Numbuh 4...
Numbuh 4: That was quick! What did the rescue people say?
Numbuh 1: No, no, no I haven't quite done that bit yet.
Numbuh 4: Oh.
Numbuh 1: Numbuh 4,
Numbuh 4: Hmm?
Numbuh 1: If I fall, plunge three hundred and fifty feet and splatter on the ground, will you... You know...
Numbuh 4: What, laugh?
Numbuh 1: No, no, no, no.
Numbuh 4: Point and laugh?
Numbuh 1: No, no. Numbuh 4, will you scatter my ashes over Queens Park Rangers football ground?
Numbuh 4: NO!
Numbuh 1: [Relieved] Thanks! Right! Thanks, mate! [Begins climbing up the struts and braces] See ya later!
[Shot returns to Numbuh 4 reading a comic add]
Numbuh 4: Look at that! Fanta 2 litre, BOGOF! [Laughs] Hello baby! (FYI, BOGOF means Buy One, Get One Free)
[Shot goes back to Numbuh 1, who is hanging by his hands from the part of the rim of the wheel to the right and above of their car. As he moves along, hand over hand, blue bolts of electricity and sparks fly all over him from the string of lights on the rim.]
Numbuh 1: Right! [He turns around and heads back to the car, more sparks and electric bolts... A globe falls and breaks on his head before he collapses back into his seat in the car] your turn!
Numbuh 4: What do you mean 'my turn'?
Numbuh 1: It needs someone less sensitive than me.
Numbuh 4: No way, mate. I'm not going up there.
Numbuh 1: [Tries to figure out a way of making Numbuh 4 go, spies his empty glass] Oh, look Numbuh 4! Your Coke's empty.
Numbuh 4: I better just better nip to the treehouse before they go to bed. [Stands] Um, can I get you anything?
Numbuh 1: Oh, that's kind! I'll just have a Lilt.
Numbuh 4: Right! Got any money?
Numbuh 1: What! Fagin!
Numbuh 4: Ha ha ha haa...
Numbuh 1: [looking through his change purse] Oh, let's see. [Takes out some coins and hands them to Numbuh 4.
Numbuh 4: Right, back in a jiffy. [Numbuh 4 nimbly climbs up the rigging and struts.]
Numbuh 1: 'Back in a jiffy?' DON'T BE SO FOUL!
[Shot changes to the top of the rim of the wheel. Numbuh 4 runs along the top, to more sparks and flashes of electricity. Numbuh 1 shields his face from the bright flashes as Numbuh 4 runs back along the rim then drops back into the car, panting.]
Numbuh 4: I wonder if they do a delivery service?
Numbuh 1: Oh god, we're trapped, aren't we? We're bloody trapped! Oh god, oh god. This is just like the Poseidon Adventure!
Numbuh 4: Hey! Why don't we just jump and use your voluminous trousers as a parachute?
Numbuh 1: No, no, no good, Numbuh 4. I've got Numbuh 3's knickers on.
Numbuh 4: WHAT?!?! ARE YOU NUTS?!?!
Numbuh 1: Shhh! Shhh! She might hear. No, come on, Numbuh 4! We're going to have to think of something else.
Numbuh 4: Right you are.
Numbuh 1: Uh... Uh... [Leaping to his feet shouting] Oh god! I can't take anymore of this! I'm going crazy I tell you! CRAZY! I've gotta get out of here! I've gotta get out of here!
Numbuh 4: [leaping to his feet, slapping Numbuh 1 across the face on every word] Oh, just calm down! Clam down! Calm down!!! [Numbuh 1 falls back into his seat and Numbuh 4 sits down.]
Numbuh 1: Thanks, Numbuh 4. I'm sorry about that.
Numbuh 4: It's all right.
Numbuh 1: I don't know what came over me. [Get his breath back] Thanks. I feel better now.
Numbuh 4: Hey, Numbuh 1!
Numbuh 1: Yeah? [Numbuh 4 slaps him HARD across the face]
Numbuh 1: What was that for?
Numbuh 4: I was just making sure.
Numbuh 1: [Solemn, puts his hand on Numbuh 4's shoulder] Thanks, mate. [Numbuh 1 stands, leaning against one of the struts, looking sadly out into the night.] You know, if we ever get through to the other side of this one, I think I'm going to change the way I live. I'm going to get back to Blighty. Find myself a piece of land. Find myself a beautiful woman, heck! Maybe even raise some kids.
Numbuh 4: Ahhhh, quit dreaming. We're not gonna pull through to the other end of this one, Skip.
Numbuh 1: [With passion] You've got to dream, Numbuh 4! You've got to hold on to the dream.
Numbuh 4: Can I ask you a question?
Numbuh 1: Shoot from the hip, Numbuh 4. That's always been your style. What's your question?
Numbuh 4: Well, I guess it's kind of out of left field, but my question is this:
Numbuh 1: [Sigh] Yeah?
Numbuh 4: Why are talking such complete and utter COBBLERS?!
Numbuh 1: [un changed] I don't know, Numbuh 4, I guess..
Numbuh 4: Oh, shut up! Shut up!
Numbuh 1: Yeah... Yeah, well, I guess we're all shut up in our own way.
Numbuh 4: [over the end of Numbuh 1's sentence, shouting and stamping as he jumps up from his seat] Oh SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UPPP!!
Numbuh 1: You know...
Numbuh 4: All right that's it! [Numbuh 4 kicks Numbuh 1 in the knackers and punches him in the face. Numbuh 1 falls back into his seat while Numbuh 4 climbs up onto the side of the car and starts kicking Numbuh 1 in the face, finally giving him a BOOT across the jaw.] GOD I hate that cobblers! [Numbuh 1 slowly sits up]
Numbuh 1: Yeah, me too. Sorry about the cobblers, Numbuh 4. [Unscrunches his eye]
[An owl hoots as Numbuh 4 opens his comic again and Numbuh 1 looks out into the night. He sighs, again, and again louder.]
Numbuh 1: God, I'm bored. How long have we been here now?
Numbuh 4: About seven minutes.
Numbuh 1: God! It feels like... Eight and a half Minutes.
Numbuh 4: [Exited] Hey! Numbuh 1! Look at this! [Re the comic] [Numbuh 1 sits next to Numbuh 4] Remember that Yu-Gi-Oh trading card competition we entered?
Numbuh 1: Yeah!
Numbuh 4: ... We didn't win it!
Numbuh 1: What! Well who did?
Numbuh 4: Numbuh 3.
Numbuh 1: Numbuh 3? Well, what was her winning caption?
Numbuh 4: I like Yu-Gi-Oh trading cards because: "I'm Kuki and I like Rainbow Monkeys."
[Both nod]
Numbuh 1: Not bad.
Numbuh 4: Clever girl!
Numbuh 1: Yeah.
Numbuh 4: Why didn't we think of that one!
Numbuh 1: Well, I told you we weren't going to get far with I like Yu-Gi-Oh trading cards because: "I've enclosed a fiver, Mum's the word"
Numbuh 4: Yeah, well we never posted it, did we?
Numbuh 1: There wasn't a lot of point! You took the fiver out, didn't you!
Numbuh 4: Hey! Look! Numbuh 1! There's an article about the Ferris wheel in this week's Beano!
Numbuh 1: [Makes excited noise and nods at various points while Numbuh 4 recites the comic article]
Numbuh 4: "Not only is it the tallest, it's also the oldest Ferris wheel in North America." Look! It's all here in this article entitled: "Illegal death trap wheel to close tonight!" Whole area declared danger zone and boarded up to await detonation! It's all wired up and ready to go!
Numbuh 1: What?
Numbuh 4: And it's too expensive to dismantle, so they're just going to blow it up!
Numbuh 1: When?!
Numbuh 4: First thing tomorrow morning!
[Numbuhs 1 & 4 both become very frightened]
Numbuh 1: Sort of, sort of spare underpants time, really isn't it? [Stands, shouts] Help! HELP!!
Numbuh 4: Look, there's nothing for it. We're just going to have to wait until an aeroplane comes, right, and try and attract its attention.
Numbuh 1: Yes!
Numbuh 4: OK!
Numbuh 1: Yes!
Numbuh 4: Uh! Here comes one...
[A noise is heard as of a distant aeroplane, which quickly develops into a loud fart noise.]
[Numbuhs 1 & 4 both pull disgusted faces and wave their hands in front around, trying to clear the smell.]
Numbuh 4: Sorry about that one.
Numbuh 1: So you had the egg!
Numbuh 4: [Nods] Yeahh...
Numbuh 1: Oh! Look, Numbuh 4! [Points to the sky] Here comes a helicopter! Hello! Hello! [Waves] Is that a police chopper?
Numbuh 4: No, I just think one of them's just left his truncheon sticking out the door. Yeah, look; it's got a side handle.
Numbuh 1: Hello! I say! I say! Help... They can't see us...[defeated] they've gone... If only we had something to illuminate us! If only we had some flares!
Numbuh 4: This is no time to make a fashion statement! We're going to be blown up at dawn!
Numbuh 1: No, no I mean distress flares!
Numbuh 4: What, like the ones Suzie Quattro used to wear?
Numbuh 1: WILL YOU STOP IT WITH THE CRAP FLARES JOKES!!!
Numbuh 4: Right, right.
Numbuh 1: Right, OK, have you got any alcohol on you?
Numbuh 4: Hey! That's a good idea, lets drink ourselves to death then we won't notice! [Takes a bottle out and starts drinking]
Numbuh 1: Give that to me! Givvit to me, Givvit to me! [Snatches the bottle from Numbuh 4] Right, [takes a sniff of the bottle and recoils] what's in this?
Numbuh 4: Brandy!
Numbuh 1: Good.
Numbuh 4: Meths, Pernod, paint stripper, Mister Sheen, brake fluid...and Drambuie.
Numbuh 1: Drambuie! [Makes nancy boy noise and limp wrists]
Numbuh 4: Yeah, yeah, yeah, all right, you've gotta put something in for the birds, haven't you...so my dad says.
Numbuh 1: [Takes another sniff of the bottle] Oh, geez...How is he alive?
Numbuh 4: [Tapping the side of his nose] He may very well not be...
Numbuh 1: [looks confused for a moment than snaps out of it] Well anyway, this is gonna bloody work. Look, right, we stuff this in there...[puts a wad of paper in the neck of the bottle]
Numbuh 4: Yes.
Numbuh 1: Right? We wait for the next chopper to come along, set fire to it, right? Bung it right up in the air where it bursts and illuminates us!
Numbuh 4: Um, may I voice just a small note of caution?
[Sound of a helicopter approaching]
Numbuh 1: No time, Numbuh 4! Here comes a chopper now! [He takes out a lighter, sets fire to the paper...]Here goes! [...and throws it straight up in the air. Both watch it up in the sky.] Wait for it to burst... Wait for it to burst... Wait for... Look out!
[They both jump up onto the back edge of the seats as the bottle falls down into the bottom of the car. The bottle breaks, starting a huge fire.]
Numbuh 4: I thought you said it was going to illuminate us, looks more like it's going to incinerate us!
Numbuh 1: Yes, well you can't get much more illuminated than being on fire, can you! Come on, wave your arms, shout help.
[Both waving, Numbuh 4 half-heartedly]
Numbuh 4: Is this: 'Help! Help! I'm stuck on top of a Ferris wheel or 'Help! Help! I'm burning to death!'?
Numbuh 1: Oh, will you stop your whinging! At least we're warm now...Well, hot now... Well, being roasted alive now! Bloody hell, Numbuh 4! Put it out with your coat!
Numbuh 4: I can't do that! It's got fifty quid's worth of miniatures sewn into the lining! The whole place'd go up!
Numbuh 1: Emergency Sprite!
Numbuh 4: [Grief stricken] NO!!!
Numbuh 1: Yes!
Numbuh 4: No! [Takes out the Sprite from under his coat] Bye bye, baby. [He pours it over the fire, which goes out.] I will NEVER EVER EVER forget you for this!
Numbuh 1: Thanks, Numbuh 4.
Numbuh 4: What for?
Numbuh 1: Hey, we get ourselves out of some scrapes, don't we! [He steps off the seat and gives the floor of the car a few stamps. The floor, weakened by the fire gives way and Numbuh 1 falls through, he manages to grab onto part of the side of the car and stop himself plunging 350 feet and being splattered on the ground] Help! HELP! Numbuh 4! Get me out! Numbuh 4 help! [Numbuh 4 grabs Numbuh 1 by his ears and lifts him back up through the hole onto the seat.] [Panting] Thanks, Numbuh 4! Oh gosh we get ourselves out of some scrapes, don't we? If I hadn't been so *crazily heroic* in stamping out the inferno, that never would have happened!
Numbuh 4: Bollards! You're just overweight!
Numbuh 1: [Stands] Don't you DARE call me overweight, young man!
[He sits down HARD on the right hand seat. The two suspension arms on that side snap, causing the car to swing down and rock violently, suspended vertically by the braces on the left hand end. Somehow, both Numbuh 1 and Numbuh 4 manage to hang on. They both are scream.] Oh, Blimey!
Numbuh 4: My stars!
Numbuh 1: Splice my sausages!
Numbuh 4: Cor Lummy!
Numbuh 1: Christmas pudding. [Both Numbuh 1 & Numbuh 4 have manoeuvred around in the car and are now standing next to each other on the side of the seat (now the bottom of the car)]
Numbuh 4: Blood and stomach pills.
Numbuh 1: Hey, Numbuh 4.
Numbuh 4: What?
Numbuh 1: We know how to swear, us two don't we.
Numbuh 4: [Laughs] You {bleep} well hit the {bleep} right on the nail there, you {bleep}-ing bollard.
Numbuh 1: Yeah! Oh, god that was frightening. My whole life flashed before me... It was sort of one long relentless collage of grey, interspersed with visits to the loo. Hey, Numbuh 4,
Numbuh 4: What?
Numbuh 1: If we killed ourselves, we could cheat fate!
Numbuh 4: Yeah, I don't think we actually want to jerk fate off at the moment.
Numbuh 1: Hmm. [One of the two suspension arms now holding the car up snap, leaving it hanging on an angle. Numbuh 1 and Numbuh 4 hold on for dear life. Numbuh 4 laughs in fright.]
Numbuh 1: Well, this is it then, Numbuh 4.
Numbuh 4: Yes, I, I suppose so. Any last regrets?
Numbuh 1: Only that I didn't go to the loo before we got on the ride. How 'bout you?
Numbuh 4: No, I had one just after we got on. I think that's what caused the electrics to go, you know.
Numbuh 1: Oh, this is it.
Numbuh 4: Yessss.
Numbuh 1: I wish, I just wish, I just wish my life had just, just, just been completely different! Still, I did my bit for the country.
Numbuh 4: What? You stayed in the town?
Numbuh 1: Absolutely.
Numbuh 4: You know... I think I might come back as a Bra.
Numbuh 1: What?!
Numbuh 4: Well all us Buddhists believe in reincarnation, you see.
Numbuh 1: When did you become a Buddhist?
Numbuh 4: About five seconds ago. And may I say it has completely changed my life.
Numbuh 1: But Numbuh 4, you can't come back as a bra, that's just stupid. You've got to come back as something organic!
Numbuh 4: All right, all right I'm only a beginner, you know! Oh, all right then, I'll come back as... Oh! Numbuh 3! She's seriously organic! Yes, and then when it rained, I could run outside in a thin white cotton dress and get completely soaked, and then I'd run back in doors and I'd look at myself and I'd say 'Oooh look!' you're all wet! You'd better strip off slowly in front of a mirror!'
Numbuh 1: But you'd be a bird!
Numbuh 4: Yeah! [Taps nose] But she wouldn't know that!
Numbuh 1: Wait, wait, wait, wait. Let me get this straight. You have taken the ancient wisdom of Buddhism and perverted it into a dastardly scheme whereby you take over the miniscule brain of a KND operative just so as you can get a quick ogle at her naked!
Numbuh 4: Yep! That's about the size of it!
Numbuh 1: It's a bloody good plan, isn't it? Yeah, hey, it's got a lot going for it, this Buddhism thing! I think I'll come back as Numbuh 5. Yeah! Yeah, and I'll get myself a job as a topless go-go dancer in a bar FULL of mirrors!
Numbuh 4: Yeah! And after that I'm going to come back as a giraffe!
Numbuh 1: YEAH!!! [Thinks] A giraffe?!
Numbuh 4: Yeah! Well then I'd have my head up above the trees, wouldn't I! And I'll be able to keep a really good look out for any super models taking topless helicopter lessons!
Numbuh 1: Yeah! ALL RIGHT! [Yelling down] Hey, have you got any Buddhist vicars down there? Got any papers so we can sign up? [Another brace breaks somewhere in the structure of the Ferris wheel, causing the car to jolt back and forth.]
Numbuh 4: Things are looking bleak.
Numbuh 1: Well spotted, Numbuh 4. Right, that's it. Time's up. I think we better start praying.
Numbuh 4: Who to? Buddha?
Numbuh 1: Nah, nah, nah, none of that old cobblers; the real thing. Good old C of E. [They both try and put their hands together to pray, but cannot do so without letting go of the car...] Numbuh 4! Numbuh 4!
[...Numbuh 1 finds a solution, Numbuh 1's right hand and Numbuh 4's left together while their other hands hang onto the side of the car.]
Numbuh 1: Oh lord,
Numbuh 4: Oh Lordy
Numbuh 1: Oh Lordy, Lordy,
Numbuh 4: Lawks a Lordy,
Numbuh 1: Oh Lordy, Lordy way down on that old Swannie Ribba [Waves ala the Black & White minstrel show]
Numbuh 4: Hear our Prayer
Both: HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLPPPPPP!!!!
[Suddenly heavenly music begins playing and the gigantic white outstretched hand of god glides up to the car. Both Numbuh 1 then Numbuh 4 climb on board in awe.]
Numbuh 1: It's a miracle! It's a miracle! [Smiles and waves at god]
Numbuh 4: Nice one. [Suddenly the last brace holding the car snaps and it falls from the Ferris wheel down to the ground]
Numbuh 4: Very nice one. Nice beard, too. Oh, hang on, Numbuh 1.
Numbuh 1: What?
Numbuh 4: Although we and indeed the whole BBC and Cartoon Network respect people's rights to believe in whatever they wish, [to camera] Because we don't want to get into the poop on this one, we don't actually believe in god, do we?
Numbuh 1: [Thinks] No!
Both: CRUD!!!!!
[The giant hand disappears and Numbuh 1 & Numbuh 4 fall screaming to their deaths. Freeze frame, the end.]
Well, whaddya think? As always, please review my work. If you like it, maybe I'll do a couple more Bottom episodes using the KND!
Operation BOTTOM
Being
On
TV
Terrifies
Our
Mothers
Disclaimer - I DO NOT own Kids Next Door or Bottom. I'm just writing for the heck of it, not to make moolah! This isn't a story about the buttocks, but a parody of a funny Brit sitcom called Bottom. It's about 2 flatmates who get into all sorts of scrapes. For this story, Numbuh 1 will take the part of Richie, a sex-starved idiot. Numbuh 4 will take the part of Eddie Hitler, another idiot, but is smarter than Richie! This story is taken from the Bottom episode titled 'Hole'. In this episode, Numbuhs 1 and 4 find themselves trapped on a Ferris wheel! Enjoy!
Rating - I rated this PG-13 as it contains a bit of violence, a couple of possibly bad words and scenes that may be unsuitable for younger readers, such as alcohol drinking and talking about what they'd do if they were reincarnated!
[The shot opens on a double seat suspended in the top of a Ferris wheel, slowly creaking back and forth. Carnival music can be heard in the background as Numbuh 1 & Numbuh 4 peer over the sides of the car down at the fairground below.]
Numbuh 1: Right, now this is definitely the last ride of the evening, Numbuh 4. We've had more than enough fun for one night; working our way through all the stalls and attractions... Besides which, I think I'm about up to my three quid limit. How much did this ride cost, by the way?
Numbuh 4: Three quid.
Numbuh 1: Well, there you are you see, I was right.
Numbuh 4: I'd just like another go on that 'throwing the darts at the cards' thingy.
Numbuh 1: Yes, yes, well that stall's closed now isn't it... [Numbuh 4 looks puzzled] because the proprietor's in the eye hospital.
Numbuh 4: Ohh, yes. And the waltzer is closed as well, hasn't it.
Numbuh 1: Yes.
Numbuh 4: I had no idea I'd eaten so much. It went everywhere, didn't it?
Numbuh 1: Yes, yes. You looked like a sprinkler as you went round. It was really actually very attractive.
Numbuh 4: Yeah.
Numbuh 1: Yeah. I was awfully lucky to have that pensioner to stand behind. She was furious! You whizzed round three times and she looked like the creature from the swamp!
Numbuh 4: I'm not sure all that was mine, you know. I don't remember eating all those horrible lumps of gristle.
Numbuh 1: No, no, no, that was her face, Numbuh 4.
Numbuh 4: Oh. Well at least I feel better now, that's the main thing.
Numbuh 1: Yes, that's the main thing.
Numbuh 4: Which is surprising, really, considering the ghost train 'unpleasantness'.
Numbuh 1: Ooh, yeah that was nasty wasn't it? Yeah. Wasn't coming out of your mouth that time, was it?
Numbuh 4: Well they shouldn't make 'em so scary, should they?
Numbuh 1: Well it's a lot scarier now, I can tell you! You have to put on a gas mask to get in there now!
Numbuh 4: I was lucky the bloke standing next to me passed out; otherwise I'd never have got his trousers.
Numbuh 1: How do they fit, by the way?
Numbuh 4: Hmm, Not bad, not bad. [Numbuh 4 stands up, revealing he is wearing a pleated skirt.]
Numbuh 1: You know, I'm not sure he was a bone-fide bloke, you know. Got a sort of 'skirty' feeling to them, these trousers, haven't they?
Numbuh 4: I think he may have been Scottish.
Numbuh 1: Oh, oh, oh, well that's all right then.
Numbuh 4: Yes, Och aye-Whoops-a-daisy.
Numbuh 1: Yes, the Scottish are allowed to be transvestites.
Numbuh 4: That's right.
[The car begins to creak and rock slightly]
Numbuh 1: Ooh, eh up, we're moving. Hold on tight and for god's sake don't foul yourself again. Here we go, start screaming.
[Numbuhs 1 & 4 wave their hands in the air and scream as the wheel turns slightly moving the car forward about three feet.]
Numbuh 1: What, is that it? Well that's ridiculous! It's just a complete rip off! I paid three quid for that ride! It's bad enough two KND operatives like us having to pay full price.
Numbuh 4: [Looking over the sides] Oh, calm down, Numbuh 1. They're just letting some more people on.
Numbuh 1: What! Are they? Oh, oh, oh, yes, yes, yes. I, good. I knew that. Oooh, hey, Numbuh 4, maybe it's Numbuh 3 and Numbuh 5 that have been following us around all night.
Numbuh 4: [Excitedly looking over the side] Where?!
Numbuh 1: No, no, no, no, no don't look! It'll show them that we fancy them, and that we're keen.
Numbuh 4: Yeah, but we are!
Numbuh 1: Yes, I know that, but we don't want them to know.
Numbuh 4: [Confused] Why not?
Numbuh 1: [Gasps] Because then they'll know that we fancy them, then we'll get off with them, then we'll go back to the treehouse and possibly kiss them.
Numbuh 4: [Nodding] Yeah.
Numbuh 1: [Confused pause then realization dawns] Oh yeah! Oh yeah! I can see your point! [Inadvertently points to Numbuh 4's crotch]
Numbuh 4: Well it's this new skirt, it rucks up very easily!
Numbuh 1: Come on, Numbuh 4! This is it!
Numbuh 4: Yeah.
Numbuh 1: Let's wave at them and wink at them and stuff and let them know we're on.
Numbuh 4: Right-o.
Numbuh 1: Oh, Numbuh 4,
Numbuh 4: Yeah?
Numbuh 1: How do I look?
Numbuh 4: You use your eyeballs, don't you?
Numbuh 1: Eyeballs! Eyeballs! Ok, right. All set?
Numbuh 4: Yeah. [Nods expectantly]
Numbuh 1: Sexy faces on! [They pull their ogling faces] Let's ogle them! [They do so]
Numbuh 4: Hey! Hang on, Numbuh 1. Numbuh 1, how do we know which one's who's?
Numbuh 1: Oh, ah, well mine's a cracker.
Numbuh 4: What's mine like?
Numbuh 1: Not bad, not bad. Not as many legs as the other one. It's a shame about the beard. Apart from that, smashing!
Numbuh 4: Are you sure she's not a bloke?
Numbuh 1: What do you mean a bloke? I know a bird when I see one!
Numbuh 4: Was she smoking a pipe?
Numbuh 1: Yeah.
Numbuh 4: And is she called Keith?
Numbuh 1: [Thinks] Yeah.
Numbuh 4: You fool! That's Keith and Deirdre!
Numbuh 1: Yeah! Keith's your bird and Deirdre's mine! Mine's the one with the little blue mini-skirt and the tattoos of Little and Large on her thighs. (FYI, Little and Large are a British comedy duo.)
Numbuh 4: No, it's Keith and Deirdre from the Lamb & Flag mixed doubles tag mud-wrestling team!
Numbuh 1: Oh yeah?!
Numbuh 4: Yeah!
Numbuh 1: Well why was she giving me the eye all night, hey? Not the glass one, the other one? And how come the bird with the beard kept pointing at you?
Numbuh 4: BECAUSE HE'S KEITH! One Legged Mad-Dog Keith McFrenzy! And I owe him candy. He's been chasing me for months! Why do you think I always get mumps during mud-wrestling week?
Numbuh 1: Look! [Stands] They don't call me the Kids Next Door Crumpet Radar for nothing! I tell you, one look at me and she was SCREAMING for my underwear.
Numbuh 4: SHE IS BLIND !!!
Numbuh 1: Yes. Yes... Yes... Yes... Yes, well she obviously just sensed my musky sort of smell.
Numbuh 4: Yes, we've all 'been sensing your sort of musky smell' for nigh on four years! And will you buy another shirt?
Numbuh 1: This is an original Kevin Kline! (I know he's an actor, but I saw a show about designer label copying, and the guy bought a pair of Kevin Kline jeans!)
Numbuh 4: Yeah, it's THE original Kevin Kline! Hasn't had a wash since you became Numbuh 1!
Numbuh 1: Well if you had the common decency, to go out and get yourself a solo mission and not hang around the treehouse all day like some vast slug, then perhaps I would have the opportunity to take my top off and wash it without the risk of you seeing my nipples!
Numbuh 4: I've already seen your nipples. EVERYBODY has! Remember Operation 'No P in the Pool'?
[Long pause with both in a silent huff]
Numbuh 1: [Annoyed] Oh, why isn't this ruddy ride working?! We've been on it for at least ruddy three minutes.
Numbuh 4: Well look, it is the tallest Ferris wheel in North America, Numbuh 1. It takes a while to get everyone on board.
[Just then the coloured lights on the struts facing the camera blink off]
Numbuh 4: Hey, the lights have gone out.
Numbuh 1:That's weird, isn't it? Heey! Maybe it's a love Ferris wheel! [Looks over side] Hey! They're not letting anyone else on, Numbuh 4. In fact... Numbuh 4, we're the only ones on the whole ride...In fact, it looks like they're closing up for the night!
[The carnival music stops]
Numbuh 4: I was enjoying that. Reminded me of my Granddad's funeral.
Numbuh 1: [To someone below, waving] I say! I Say! [To Numbuh 4] Oh, thank God, they've seen us. They're waving [laugh] they're not using all their fingers...[Lowers his fingers one by one until just the middle finger is extended, and begins waving it back at them. Numbuh 4 gives a 2-fingered salute] Yes! Yes! Hello! I say, what time does the ride start? Aha, Yah, er, ah, yeh, yar, yah...[To Numbuh 4] I can't understand a word he's saying... Aha, Hmm.
Numbuh 4: I don't think he's actually saying anything, I think he's just sort of swearing indiscriminately and running off towards the gate.
Numbuh 1: What! That's outrageous! [To person] I say! Uh, uh... Bloody... [To Numbuh 4] What is it you should in the slums...uh, 'Uggie Uggie Uggie!'
Numbuh 4: Oh, yes, you've got his attention now.
Numbuh 1: Now look here! I used to live in Bromley.
Numbuh 4: Hey, he's picking something up.
Numbuh 1: Yep, and that's a pretty wild place.
Numbuh 4: Yep, they've all got something now.
Numbuh 1: And I picked up one or two tips on punch-ups while I was down there.
Numbuh 4: DUCK!
Numbuh 1: Where?
[Numbuh 1 gets hit with a projectile from below, knocking him down.]
Numbuh 4: [To people below] Hey! Good shot, Mister! Give yourself a goldfish! Look out, here come some more!
Numbuh 1: What?
[Numbuhs 1 & 4 take cover in the car as a barrage of bricks, bottles and other junk comes hurtling at them from below.]
Numbuh 1: [After the barrage stops] I don't understand! What did we do? What did we do!?
Numbuh 4: Well, we ARE the Kids Next Door.
Numbuh 1: So?
Numbuh 4: We fight adults, don't we?
Numbuh 1: And?
Numbuh 4: So the adults are bound to get even with us sooner or later!
Numbuh 1: Well, why now? How are we supposed to stop adults when we're stuck up here?
Numbuh 4: I think it's all over now... They're all sort of, going away. In fact, everyone's going away. I think the whole fair is closing down!
Numbuh 1: What complete NINCOMPOOPS! They can't treat us like this! We're operatives of the Kids Next Door! Now look here you roustabouts! I've got a photographic memory! And I'm going to memorize all of you. [Makes stupid concentrating face at several people below, one of whom does something unpleasant...] And I'll certainly remember that! Right! Numbuh 4, write down the details for the police inquiry, they're not going to get away with this! [Numbuh 4 opens a comic and starts reading] Wallabee Elizabeth Beatles, and myself were sitting down, peacefully, in a northerly direction at precisely... Er... [Searches his wrists for a watch] bother, what's the time, Numbuh 4?
Numbuh 4: Erm, it's erm... [Takes out a pocket watch from under his coat and looks at it.]
Numbuh 1: Hang on! That's my watch!
Numbuh 4: [Realizing he's been found out, tries to cover] Eh, eh yes. I just thought I'd bring it along for you.
Numbuh 1: My special gold watch? The family heirloom? The one that Grandpa Uno found on that body in the Somme?
Numbuh 4: Yes, I just thought you might need to... You know, know the time.
Numbuh 1: Thanks, Numbuh 4! [Takes the watch from Numbuh 4] Uh, Right! At precisely three-thirty... eh? That can't be right can it? [Throws the watch up in the air and catches it to test it's weight] It's awfully light, Numbuh 4.
Numbuh 4: Yeah, well I took the innards out. [Slips up again and again tries to cover] Err... Because it was ever so heavy, wasn't it...it was making a little dint in your shirt pocket, wasn't it? I got rid of them at that antique clocky sort of place. Have you seen my new PS2?
Numbuh 1: No, hang on Numbuh 4, shut up about PS2s. I think you might have bished here... I mean, if it hasn't got any innards, how are we going to what the time is?
Numbuh 4: Well, it's obviously midnight, isn't it?
Numbuh 1: Well how do you work that out?
Numbuh 4: Because the fair closes at midnight and the fair's closed!
Numbuh 1: Oh right, the fair's closed. Ugh! [Panics] The fair's closed! The fair's closed! Numbuh 4! Numbuh 4! The fair's closed and we're stuck 350 feet up in the air on a Ferris wheel!
Numbuh 4: Yes, it's a living nightmare. [Lifts a pint of Coca Cola(tm) up into view from behind the comic and takes a drink.]
Numbuh 1: Don't panic, don't panic... [Nervous laugh] Don't panic Mr. Manwearing [again] (Mr Manwearing is a character from another sitcom named Dad's Army) Right, eh, come on Numbuh 1, uh...Numbuh 4, take all your clothes off and knot them together.
Numbuh 4: Knot what together?
Numbuh 1: Oh, no! I've got it. [Boasting] Right, ha... This is where the old KND training comes in handy, yeah... I wish I'd had some. Right. I'm going to go off and get help, will you be all right on your own?
Numbuh 4: Oh yes, [referring to his comic] there's a full page advert for Co-op here, it's got pictures and everything; I should be all right for an hour or two.
Numbuh 1: Off I go. [Makes nervous noises] [Begins climbing up the frame of the Ferris wheel, then thinks for a moment and climbs back down into the car.] Numbuh 4...
Numbuh 4: That was quick! What did the rescue people say?
Numbuh 1: No, no, no I haven't quite done that bit yet.
Numbuh 4: Oh.
Numbuh 1: Numbuh 4,
Numbuh 4: Hmm?
Numbuh 1: If I fall, plunge three hundred and fifty feet and splatter on the ground, will you... You know...
Numbuh 4: What, laugh?
Numbuh 1: No, no, no, no.
Numbuh 4: Point and laugh?
Numbuh 1: No, no. Numbuh 4, will you scatter my ashes over Queens Park Rangers football ground?
Numbuh 4: NO!
Numbuh 1: [Relieved] Thanks! Right! Thanks, mate! [Begins climbing up the struts and braces] See ya later!
[Shot returns to Numbuh 4 reading a comic add]
Numbuh 4: Look at that! Fanta 2 litre, BOGOF! [Laughs] Hello baby! (FYI, BOGOF means Buy One, Get One Free)
[Shot goes back to Numbuh 1, who is hanging by his hands from the part of the rim of the wheel to the right and above of their car. As he moves along, hand over hand, blue bolts of electricity and sparks fly all over him from the string of lights on the rim.]
Numbuh 1: Right! [He turns around and heads back to the car, more sparks and electric bolts... A globe falls and breaks on his head before he collapses back into his seat in the car] your turn!
Numbuh 4: What do you mean 'my turn'?
Numbuh 1: It needs someone less sensitive than me.
Numbuh 4: No way, mate. I'm not going up there.
Numbuh 1: [Tries to figure out a way of making Numbuh 4 go, spies his empty glass] Oh, look Numbuh 4! Your Coke's empty.
Numbuh 4: I better just better nip to the treehouse before they go to bed. [Stands] Um, can I get you anything?
Numbuh 1: Oh, that's kind! I'll just have a Lilt.
Numbuh 4: Right! Got any money?
Numbuh 1: What! Fagin!
Numbuh 4: Ha ha ha haa...
Numbuh 1: [looking through his change purse] Oh, let's see. [Takes out some coins and hands them to Numbuh 4.
Numbuh 4: Right, back in a jiffy. [Numbuh 4 nimbly climbs up the rigging and struts.]
Numbuh 1: 'Back in a jiffy?' DON'T BE SO FOUL!
[Shot changes to the top of the rim of the wheel. Numbuh 4 runs along the top, to more sparks and flashes of electricity. Numbuh 1 shields his face from the bright flashes as Numbuh 4 runs back along the rim then drops back into the car, panting.]
Numbuh 4: I wonder if they do a delivery service?
Numbuh 1: Oh god, we're trapped, aren't we? We're bloody trapped! Oh god, oh god. This is just like the Poseidon Adventure!
Numbuh 4: Hey! Why don't we just jump and use your voluminous trousers as a parachute?
Numbuh 1: No, no, no good, Numbuh 4. I've got Numbuh 3's knickers on.
Numbuh 4: WHAT?!?! ARE YOU NUTS?!?!
Numbuh 1: Shhh! Shhh! She might hear. No, come on, Numbuh 4! We're going to have to think of something else.
Numbuh 4: Right you are.
Numbuh 1: Uh... Uh... [Leaping to his feet shouting] Oh god! I can't take anymore of this! I'm going crazy I tell you! CRAZY! I've gotta get out of here! I've gotta get out of here!
Numbuh 4: [leaping to his feet, slapping Numbuh 1 across the face on every word] Oh, just calm down! Clam down! Calm down!!! [Numbuh 1 falls back into his seat and Numbuh 4 sits down.]
Numbuh 1: Thanks, Numbuh 4. I'm sorry about that.
Numbuh 4: It's all right.
Numbuh 1: I don't know what came over me. [Get his breath back] Thanks. I feel better now.
Numbuh 4: Hey, Numbuh 1!
Numbuh 1: Yeah? [Numbuh 4 slaps him HARD across the face]
Numbuh 1: What was that for?
Numbuh 4: I was just making sure.
Numbuh 1: [Solemn, puts his hand on Numbuh 4's shoulder] Thanks, mate. [Numbuh 1 stands, leaning against one of the struts, looking sadly out into the night.] You know, if we ever get through to the other side of this one, I think I'm going to change the way I live. I'm going to get back to Blighty. Find myself a piece of land. Find myself a beautiful woman, heck! Maybe even raise some kids.
Numbuh 4: Ahhhh, quit dreaming. We're not gonna pull through to the other end of this one, Skip.
Numbuh 1: [With passion] You've got to dream, Numbuh 4! You've got to hold on to the dream.
Numbuh 4: Can I ask you a question?
Numbuh 1: Shoot from the hip, Numbuh 4. That's always been your style. What's your question?
Numbuh 4: Well, I guess it's kind of out of left field, but my question is this:
Numbuh 1: [Sigh] Yeah?
Numbuh 4: Why are talking such complete and utter COBBLERS?!
Numbuh 1: [un changed] I don't know, Numbuh 4, I guess..
Numbuh 4: Oh, shut up! Shut up!
Numbuh 1: Yeah... Yeah, well, I guess we're all shut up in our own way.
Numbuh 4: [over the end of Numbuh 1's sentence, shouting and stamping as he jumps up from his seat] Oh SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UPPP!!
Numbuh 1: You know...
Numbuh 4: All right that's it! [Numbuh 4 kicks Numbuh 1 in the knackers and punches him in the face. Numbuh 1 falls back into his seat while Numbuh 4 climbs up onto the side of the car and starts kicking Numbuh 1 in the face, finally giving him a BOOT across the jaw.] GOD I hate that cobblers! [Numbuh 1 slowly sits up]
Numbuh 1: Yeah, me too. Sorry about the cobblers, Numbuh 4. [Unscrunches his eye]
[An owl hoots as Numbuh 4 opens his comic again and Numbuh 1 looks out into the night. He sighs, again, and again louder.]
Numbuh 1: God, I'm bored. How long have we been here now?
Numbuh 4: About seven minutes.
Numbuh 1: God! It feels like... Eight and a half Minutes.
Numbuh 4: [Exited] Hey! Numbuh 1! Look at this! [Re the comic] [Numbuh 1 sits next to Numbuh 4] Remember that Yu-Gi-Oh trading card competition we entered?
Numbuh 1: Yeah!
Numbuh 4: ... We didn't win it!
Numbuh 1: What! Well who did?
Numbuh 4: Numbuh 3.
Numbuh 1: Numbuh 3? Well, what was her winning caption?
Numbuh 4: I like Yu-Gi-Oh trading cards because: "I'm Kuki and I like Rainbow Monkeys."
[Both nod]
Numbuh 1: Not bad.
Numbuh 4: Clever girl!
Numbuh 1: Yeah.
Numbuh 4: Why didn't we think of that one!
Numbuh 1: Well, I told you we weren't going to get far with I like Yu-Gi-Oh trading cards because: "I've enclosed a fiver, Mum's the word"
Numbuh 4: Yeah, well we never posted it, did we?
Numbuh 1: There wasn't a lot of point! You took the fiver out, didn't you!
Numbuh 4: Hey! Look! Numbuh 1! There's an article about the Ferris wheel in this week's Beano!
Numbuh 1: [Makes excited noise and nods at various points while Numbuh 4 recites the comic article]
Numbuh 4: "Not only is it the tallest, it's also the oldest Ferris wheel in North America." Look! It's all here in this article entitled: "Illegal death trap wheel to close tonight!" Whole area declared danger zone and boarded up to await detonation! It's all wired up and ready to go!
Numbuh 1: What?
Numbuh 4: And it's too expensive to dismantle, so they're just going to blow it up!
Numbuh 1: When?!
Numbuh 4: First thing tomorrow morning!
[Numbuhs 1 & 4 both become very frightened]
Numbuh 1: Sort of, sort of spare underpants time, really isn't it? [Stands, shouts] Help! HELP!!
Numbuh 4: Look, there's nothing for it. We're just going to have to wait until an aeroplane comes, right, and try and attract its attention.
Numbuh 1: Yes!
Numbuh 4: OK!
Numbuh 1: Yes!
Numbuh 4: Uh! Here comes one...
[A noise is heard as of a distant aeroplane, which quickly develops into a loud fart noise.]
[Numbuhs 1 & 4 both pull disgusted faces and wave their hands in front around, trying to clear the smell.]
Numbuh 4: Sorry about that one.
Numbuh 1: So you had the egg!
Numbuh 4: [Nods] Yeahh...
Numbuh 1: Oh! Look, Numbuh 4! [Points to the sky] Here comes a helicopter! Hello! Hello! [Waves] Is that a police chopper?
Numbuh 4: No, I just think one of them's just left his truncheon sticking out the door. Yeah, look; it's got a side handle.
Numbuh 1: Hello! I say! I say! Help... They can't see us...[defeated] they've gone... If only we had something to illuminate us! If only we had some flares!
Numbuh 4: This is no time to make a fashion statement! We're going to be blown up at dawn!
Numbuh 1: No, no I mean distress flares!
Numbuh 4: What, like the ones Suzie Quattro used to wear?
Numbuh 1: WILL YOU STOP IT WITH THE CRAP FLARES JOKES!!!
Numbuh 4: Right, right.
Numbuh 1: Right, OK, have you got any alcohol on you?
Numbuh 4: Hey! That's a good idea, lets drink ourselves to death then we won't notice! [Takes a bottle out and starts drinking]
Numbuh 1: Give that to me! Givvit to me, Givvit to me! [Snatches the bottle from Numbuh 4] Right, [takes a sniff of the bottle and recoils] what's in this?
Numbuh 4: Brandy!
Numbuh 1: Good.
Numbuh 4: Meths, Pernod, paint stripper, Mister Sheen, brake fluid...and Drambuie.
Numbuh 1: Drambuie! [Makes nancy boy noise and limp wrists]
Numbuh 4: Yeah, yeah, yeah, all right, you've gotta put something in for the birds, haven't you...so my dad says.
Numbuh 1: [Takes another sniff of the bottle] Oh, geez...How is he alive?
Numbuh 4: [Tapping the side of his nose] He may very well not be...
Numbuh 1: [looks confused for a moment than snaps out of it] Well anyway, this is gonna bloody work. Look, right, we stuff this in there...[puts a wad of paper in the neck of the bottle]
Numbuh 4: Yes.
Numbuh 1: Right? We wait for the next chopper to come along, set fire to it, right? Bung it right up in the air where it bursts and illuminates us!
Numbuh 4: Um, may I voice just a small note of caution?
[Sound of a helicopter approaching]
Numbuh 1: No time, Numbuh 4! Here comes a chopper now! [He takes out a lighter, sets fire to the paper...]Here goes! [...and throws it straight up in the air. Both watch it up in the sky.] Wait for it to burst... Wait for it to burst... Wait for... Look out!
[They both jump up onto the back edge of the seats as the bottle falls down into the bottom of the car. The bottle breaks, starting a huge fire.]
Numbuh 4: I thought you said it was going to illuminate us, looks more like it's going to incinerate us!
Numbuh 1: Yes, well you can't get much more illuminated than being on fire, can you! Come on, wave your arms, shout help.
[Both waving, Numbuh 4 half-heartedly]
Numbuh 4: Is this: 'Help! Help! I'm stuck on top of a Ferris wheel or 'Help! Help! I'm burning to death!'?
Numbuh 1: Oh, will you stop your whinging! At least we're warm now...Well, hot now... Well, being roasted alive now! Bloody hell, Numbuh 4! Put it out with your coat!
Numbuh 4: I can't do that! It's got fifty quid's worth of miniatures sewn into the lining! The whole place'd go up!
Numbuh 1: Emergency Sprite!
Numbuh 4: [Grief stricken] NO!!!
Numbuh 1: Yes!
Numbuh 4: No! [Takes out the Sprite from under his coat] Bye bye, baby. [He pours it over the fire, which goes out.] I will NEVER EVER EVER forget you for this!
Numbuh 1: Thanks, Numbuh 4.
Numbuh 4: What for?
Numbuh 1: Hey, we get ourselves out of some scrapes, don't we! [He steps off the seat and gives the floor of the car a few stamps. The floor, weakened by the fire gives way and Numbuh 1 falls through, he manages to grab onto part of the side of the car and stop himself plunging 350 feet and being splattered on the ground] Help! HELP! Numbuh 4! Get me out! Numbuh 4 help! [Numbuh 4 grabs Numbuh 1 by his ears and lifts him back up through the hole onto the seat.] [Panting] Thanks, Numbuh 4! Oh gosh we get ourselves out of some scrapes, don't we? If I hadn't been so *crazily heroic* in stamping out the inferno, that never would have happened!
Numbuh 4: Bollards! You're just overweight!
Numbuh 1: [Stands] Don't you DARE call me overweight, young man!
[He sits down HARD on the right hand seat. The two suspension arms on that side snap, causing the car to swing down and rock violently, suspended vertically by the braces on the left hand end. Somehow, both Numbuh 1 and Numbuh 4 manage to hang on. They both are scream.] Oh, Blimey!
Numbuh 4: My stars!
Numbuh 1: Splice my sausages!
Numbuh 4: Cor Lummy!
Numbuh 1: Christmas pudding. [Both Numbuh 1 & Numbuh 4 have manoeuvred around in the car and are now standing next to each other on the side of the seat (now the bottom of the car)]
Numbuh 4: Blood and stomach pills.
Numbuh 1: Hey, Numbuh 4.
Numbuh 4: What?
Numbuh 1: We know how to swear, us two don't we.
Numbuh 4: [Laughs] You {bleep} well hit the {bleep} right on the nail there, you {bleep}-ing bollard.
Numbuh 1: Yeah! Oh, god that was frightening. My whole life flashed before me... It was sort of one long relentless collage of grey, interspersed with visits to the loo. Hey, Numbuh 4,
Numbuh 4: What?
Numbuh 1: If we killed ourselves, we could cheat fate!
Numbuh 4: Yeah, I don't think we actually want to jerk fate off at the moment.
Numbuh 1: Hmm. [One of the two suspension arms now holding the car up snap, leaving it hanging on an angle. Numbuh 1 and Numbuh 4 hold on for dear life. Numbuh 4 laughs in fright.]
Numbuh 1: Well, this is it then, Numbuh 4.
Numbuh 4: Yes, I, I suppose so. Any last regrets?
Numbuh 1: Only that I didn't go to the loo before we got on the ride. How 'bout you?
Numbuh 4: No, I had one just after we got on. I think that's what caused the electrics to go, you know.
Numbuh 1: Oh, this is it.
Numbuh 4: Yessss.
Numbuh 1: I wish, I just wish, I just wish my life had just, just, just been completely different! Still, I did my bit for the country.
Numbuh 4: What? You stayed in the town?
Numbuh 1: Absolutely.
Numbuh 4: You know... I think I might come back as a Bra.
Numbuh 1: What?!
Numbuh 4: Well all us Buddhists believe in reincarnation, you see.
Numbuh 1: When did you become a Buddhist?
Numbuh 4: About five seconds ago. And may I say it has completely changed my life.
Numbuh 1: But Numbuh 4, you can't come back as a bra, that's just stupid. You've got to come back as something organic!
Numbuh 4: All right, all right I'm only a beginner, you know! Oh, all right then, I'll come back as... Oh! Numbuh 3! She's seriously organic! Yes, and then when it rained, I could run outside in a thin white cotton dress and get completely soaked, and then I'd run back in doors and I'd look at myself and I'd say 'Oooh look!' you're all wet! You'd better strip off slowly in front of a mirror!'
Numbuh 1: But you'd be a bird!
Numbuh 4: Yeah! [Taps nose] But she wouldn't know that!
Numbuh 1: Wait, wait, wait, wait. Let me get this straight. You have taken the ancient wisdom of Buddhism and perverted it into a dastardly scheme whereby you take over the miniscule brain of a KND operative just so as you can get a quick ogle at her naked!
Numbuh 4: Yep! That's about the size of it!
Numbuh 1: It's a bloody good plan, isn't it? Yeah, hey, it's got a lot going for it, this Buddhism thing! I think I'll come back as Numbuh 5. Yeah! Yeah, and I'll get myself a job as a topless go-go dancer in a bar FULL of mirrors!
Numbuh 4: Yeah! And after that I'm going to come back as a giraffe!
Numbuh 1: YEAH!!! [Thinks] A giraffe?!
Numbuh 4: Yeah! Well then I'd have my head up above the trees, wouldn't I! And I'll be able to keep a really good look out for any super models taking topless helicopter lessons!
Numbuh 1: Yeah! ALL RIGHT! [Yelling down] Hey, have you got any Buddhist vicars down there? Got any papers so we can sign up? [Another brace breaks somewhere in the structure of the Ferris wheel, causing the car to jolt back and forth.]
Numbuh 4: Things are looking bleak.
Numbuh 1: Well spotted, Numbuh 4. Right, that's it. Time's up. I think we better start praying.
Numbuh 4: Who to? Buddha?
Numbuh 1: Nah, nah, nah, none of that old cobblers; the real thing. Good old C of E. [They both try and put their hands together to pray, but cannot do so without letting go of the car...] Numbuh 4! Numbuh 4!
[...Numbuh 1 finds a solution, Numbuh 1's right hand and Numbuh 4's left together while their other hands hang onto the side of the car.]
Numbuh 1: Oh lord,
Numbuh 4: Oh Lordy
Numbuh 1: Oh Lordy, Lordy,
Numbuh 4: Lawks a Lordy,
Numbuh 1: Oh Lordy, Lordy way down on that old Swannie Ribba [Waves ala the Black & White minstrel show]
Numbuh 4: Hear our Prayer
Both: HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLPPPPPP!!!!
[Suddenly heavenly music begins playing and the gigantic white outstretched hand of god glides up to the car. Both Numbuh 1 then Numbuh 4 climb on board in awe.]
Numbuh 1: It's a miracle! It's a miracle! [Smiles and waves at god]
Numbuh 4: Nice one. [Suddenly the last brace holding the car snaps and it falls from the Ferris wheel down to the ground]
Numbuh 4: Very nice one. Nice beard, too. Oh, hang on, Numbuh 1.
Numbuh 1: What?
Numbuh 4: Although we and indeed the whole BBC and Cartoon Network respect people's rights to believe in whatever they wish, [to camera] Because we don't want to get into the poop on this one, we don't actually believe in god, do we?
Numbuh 1: [Thinks] No!
Both: CRUD!!!!!
[The giant hand disappears and Numbuh 1 & Numbuh 4 fall screaming to their deaths. Freeze frame, the end.]
Well, whaddya think? As always, please review my work. If you like it, maybe I'll do a couple more Bottom episodes using the KND!