Disclaimer: I do not own any of Weird Al's songs or Death Note, but I have heard/read them.
Aquarius
There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a
speeding bus
Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a day
Light Yagami couldn't believe it. How could he have been so dumb as to take Misa's bet to stick his tongue onto a frozen bus that was going 90 miles an hour down the runway. 'Damn it, Misa…' Light thought as the bus took a sharp turn and Light was sent flying.
Pisces
Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus
You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at work say
"HEY, EVERYBODY! LOOK AT ME!" Aizawa and Matsuda looked up to see L doing the chicken dance. "He is so not the Lord of the Dance…" Matsuda muttered. Suddenly, L fell over and died from the Ebola virus.
Aries
The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty pound
watermelon in your colon
Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep
"Misa, why is there a forty-pound watermelon in your colon?" asked the doctor. Misa grinned and said, "I guess that explains why I look like I'm nine months pregnant…" Suddenly, Meryl Streep and an albino dwarf walked by, causing Misa to get up and ran after them.
Taurus
You will never find true happiness - what you gonna do, cry about it?
The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep
Matsuda couldn't believe that another girl dumped him. He just sighed, drank a few beers, and went to bed. When he woke up, he saw a huge alien about to eat his face. Matsuda just shrugged and went back to sleep.
That's your horoscope for today-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay
That's your horoscope for today
All Death Note characters are dancing
Gemini
Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence
Your love life will run into trouble when your fiancé hurls a javelin through your chest
Everyone ran out of Aizawa's house as fast as they could since the stink of the man's farts was causing the house to be possessed. Before Aizawa could explain that he ate too many beans, his fiancé hurled a javelin into his chest.
Cancer
The position of Jupiter says you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud
Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver's test
"Hey, Mello, what are you doing?" Mello looked up at Matt and scoffed at him. "WHAT DO YOU THINK I'M DOING, YOU BEATNIK? I'M SPENDING MY WEEK WITH MY FACE DOWN IN THE MUD!" Matt just shrugged and pulled out a roll of duct tape…
Leo
Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss's face, oh no
Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik
Near ran as fast as he could from the president who was wearing a picture of the young boy's buttocks on his face. "I THINK I'LL EAT YOUR TUNA-FLAVORED PUDDING, ASSHOLE!" Near exclaimed.
Virgo
All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent - except for you
Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick
Ryuk slowly opened his eyes and looked down. His head was impaled on a stick. Ryuk sighed and muttered, "Today's gonna suck…"
That's your horoscope for today-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay
That's your horoscope for today
A man in a suit with a horse head is dancing like an idiot
Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not
to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.
Where was I?
Libra
A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more talented than you
Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix bursts
Sayu was so pissed that she didn't get the promotion, that she decided to laugh it off. Unfortunately, it was so funny that her appendix burst and she died.
next week
Scorpio
Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window
Work a little bit harder on improving your low self-esteem, you stupid freak
Rem didn't die. "Ha! I broke the powers of the planets!" shouted the shinigami before she was hit in the head with a mushroom and died.
Sagittarius
All your friends are laughing behind your back (kill them)
Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you've got hanging in your den
Soichiro tried not to cry as he slowly pulled down the sexy pictures of Ernest Borgnine down from the walls of his college den. Suddenly, he heard the voices of his friends laughing at him. Soichiro's eyes turned red and one thought went through his head: 'KILL THEM.'
Capricorn
The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person, but you know they're lying. If I were you, I'd lock my doors and windows and never never never never never leave my house again
L looked up at the viewers and said, "It's a choice."
That's your horoscope for today-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay
That's your horoscope for today
All the Death Note characters are dancing, but then the horse man appears and kills them all