Drive you home
Standing under the bus shelter made the rain drops echo and sound like bullets pelting the walls. It was a good representation of my mood that very minute. I felt screaming and kicking anything in sight. I had just been dumped by Zexion. Yet again I was standing out in the rain, single and stranded. Funny how it always seemed to rain when I got dumped by guys, but when I used to date girls the sun was always shining. Though it was normally me doing the dumping back then, lately it had all become the other way round. I couldn't seem to keep any form of relationship going for more than a month anymore. It's always some fake excuse made up when I ask why, some had even had the nerve to use the 'it's not you it's me' speech. Those were the ones I was glad it ended, people like that were never worth it. In the distance I saw the faint flash of lightning. I began to count and after 3 seconds a booming thunderclap sounded. It was closer than I would have liked. Groaning I checked the bus time table only to notice the notice clumsily taped underneath. All buses after 5 today were cancelled due to strikes. I flipped opening my phone without much hope, it was nearly 7. I really was stranded this time. I couldn't stay here all night but it was an hour's walk back to my flat and the rain didn't seem to want to stop anytime soon. Sighing I clicked a few buttons on my and called my last hope. I just had to pray he was in.
"Hello?"
"Oh hi Axel, its Roxas."
"Oh, and to what do I owe the honour of this call then"
"I didn't want to call you, but it's just…I'm kinda stranded in the middle of town and there are no buses. I'm really sorry but…"
"I'll be right there"
And with that he hung up. I couldn't help but smile faintly and wait for my phone to ring again. And there it was.
"Okay one thing, where the hell are you?"
I felt terrible about calling, it was something I'd always promised myself never to do again. Never rely on Axel to save me again. I treated him so badly in the past, always using the fact he had a crush on me to my advantage, making him do things for me in return for the odd smile. Made him watch as I dated countless other guys, break hearts and have my own broken. I always expected him to be there as a shoulder to cry on or someone to moan to and he took it all. He always stayed by me, always supported me after everything I'd done. That why I didn't want to ask for help from him. I wouldn't hurt him anymore.
I really didn't know why I was bothering, Roxas was only taking advantage of the fact I could drive again. Thinking about it, he was taking advantage of me every time he asked me to do something for him. I should have walked away and cut all my ties with him, but there was something inside me that would not let go. I couldn't help it, being near him just filled me with joy, my heart leapt every time I made him laugh. A tingling sensation filled my body when we brushed hands. I know I sound like a stupid teenage school girl who has a crush on the star football player or whatever but that's just the way things were. I was in love with him and he knew that he could manipulate me anyway he wanted. Plus I couldn't really leave him out on a night like this, he was still my best friend and he'd been dumped so I guess I had to offer up my shoulder once again. I always kept up the childish belief that he'd see sense one day and realise that I'm always the one there for him. Stupid but if it happens in every movie I might have a chance right?
It took Axel a lot longer than I would have thought to get here; I was nearly asleep by the time I saw his flame red car pull up. Jogging I got to the car and opened the door to get away from the pouring rain. I was greeted with the same sad little smile as ever.
"I'm sorry" it's all I could think to say in the situation.
"It's okay, its not like I was doing much anyway. So, straight home?"
"Yeah please, you know you kinda sound like a taxi driver" I laughed nervously
"That's exactly what I feel like sometimes" he replied. I mean I knew he always felt kinda uncomfortable around me but something was definitely up tonight. Everything seemed even more awkward than usual. I half heartedly tried to keep the conversation going.
"So how's work been going?" It was a question I instantly regretted as I knew what would come next.
"Its fine, how's yours? You better….."
"You know forget it, I don't want to talk about that again" not after last time
"Fine, whatever you want" he shrugged.
We drove along in silence for a long time after that. It wasn't that close comfortable silence I was used to around him either. It wasn't best friend silence. it felt like it was going to last for hours, but luckily it stopped prematurely due to a lack of petrol.
"Dammit, I could have sworn I filled it up the other day" Axel swore some more then got out the car. Luckily there was a petrol station only a few feet down the road and the car had enough fuel to pulls itself in. Axel got out the car and began to fill it up while I sat inside, still in silence. That's when the phone began to ring. It was Axel's mobile. Normally I wouldn't dare answer someone else's phone but it was only Axel after all.
"Hello?"
"Hi, Axel?"
"No this is his friend Roxas, Axels busy at the moment"
"Ohhhh you're the famous Roxas. Well anyways can you tell him he left his jacket at my house again and I'll drop it off to him later? Okay I gotta go, this party's getting out of control"
"Okay bye…." But the phone had already gone dead. Unlike my mind which was now racing. Who was that guy, and why would Axel be round his house. I felt myself blushing at being so stupid. Axel has probably gotten a boyfriend and that's why he seemed so distant today. Its not like he wasn't allowed to have a boyfriend after all, we weren't going out. In fact having a boyfriend was probably a good thing for him, then he could get over me and we could become friends again. Yeah you keep telling yourself that I thought bitterly. For some unknown reason the thought of Axel wanting to be with anyone other than me bother me a hell of a lot. God he was taking a long time getting that stupid petrol. The phone began to blare again, I answered it again
"Hi is that Roxas still?" the voice asked
"Yeah, who is this anyway?"
"Oh sorry, Axel probably doesn't have me on caller ID. Names Marluxia"
"How do you know Axel then, are you like…?"
"Whoa no. I'm happily engaged to a girl thank you. We're simply work buddies and I thought I'd invite him to my party. Which reminds me, could you tell Axel not only did he leave his coat but also his credit card so I'm going on a major shopping spree"
"……"
"I'm joking kid; no I just thought he might be panicking"
I had to cut him off mid sentence; there was something I had to know.
"So wait a minute, Axel was at your party before he came to pick me up?"
"Yeah, having quite a good time by the looks of things. Look kid, do me a favour, and be nice to the poor fool. He's infatuated with you and from what I've heard you know that and exploit it anyway you can. Either love hi or leave him alone. For his sake"
I had to hold the phone away for a bit, I felt like crying. Sure it was all things I already knew but that didn't stop me feeling like the worst person on earth. It made me ask myself why I did all these things. I realised at that moment that it was time for me and Axel to have a long overdue talk. We couldn't go on like this. I wouldn't let us go on like this.
It seemed to take hours before the car door reopened, but then again I always did get bored easily. I was halfway through naming every star I could see when Axel finally sat back down next to me, bottles of water in hand. He threw one in my lap.
"You must be thirsty" he mumbled
"Thanks" I replied, but I don't think he heard me; he seemed too lost in thought. It was worrying. Though I can't have been much better the phone call from Marluxia was still playing on my mind. The guy did have a point, maybe I should just leave Axel alone. But still, I liked having someone I could always depend on, someone who would look after me if I needed their help. Oh god I'm such a bad person, I'm just completely taking advantage of Axel. 'I don't deserve to be his friend' I thought bitterly 'I don't deserve any good friends, only useless ones like Zexion who will hurt me, that's all I'm worthy of'
The only thing that bought me back to reality was hearing my name being uttered. I looked away from the window into Axel's eyes, those goddamn freakishly green eyes.
"Nyeh were you saying something?" I slurred, suddenly feeling really tired.
"Yeah, I thought I'd ask one more time. How's work going Roxas?" His eyes were narrowed, a sure sign he wasn't going to take any bullshit this time. That just made me angry.
"For gods sake Axel you bloody well know how it's going! Same as ever. I'm sick of people bugging me everyday about it." I slid down in my chair, well aware that I seemed like a small child sulking but not really caring anymore. The silence that hung in the air after that was probably worse than him bugging me so I carried on. "Why do you always have to turn to this subject? Why do you feel the need to worry all the time that I'm being over worked or whatever?" I felt tears welling up in my eyes which just made me even madder. "Why do you care?"
That last part came out sounding so desperate that I hated myself for saying it. It was silent again for a moment before he spoke.
"Because I….."
"Actually forget it" I interrupted "I'm happy with my work whether you like it or not"
"No you're not"
"How the hell would you know, are you some sort of personal stalker now"
"So you admit you're not happy"
"I never said that" I shouted in desperation
"But it's obvious. Roxas you need…"
"I don't care what you think Axel, you can go fuck off for all I care" I screamed
"Oh I sorry for not wanting to see my best friend work himself to death, because that's what's happening to you Roxas. You're so immersed in your work that you're forgetting to eat, sleep, all to impress your stupid spoiled brat of a boss"
Tears of anger were rolling down my face by now, how dare he assume he knows everything about me.
"I don't work to impress my boss you bastard."
"Then why do you do it Roxas? Because I cant think of any reason….."
"Just shut up, I don't want you to care; I don't want you to treat me nicely. Why can't you treat me like crap same as everyone else? Why can't you treat me like I treat you?" By now I was sobbing uncontrollably. And that damned silence was back, but this time I couldn't think of a single was to break it other than the sounds of passing cars and my crying. Then the car stopped by the roadside. Without a word Axel undid his seat belt so he could face me properly and wiped the tears off my cheek with the back of his hand. He was muttering a faint apology, I don't even know what for. Our gazes were stuck together; I couldn't seem to look anywhere else. We must have sat like that for over 15 minutes, just looking at each other without talking, barely breathing. Then I did the most stupid thing I could possibly have done. I leaned in and clumsily kissed him on the lips; it only lasted 2 seconds before he pulled away. Seeing the look of disgust on his face was probably the most painful thing I'd ever been put through.
"Axel…I I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to, it kinda just happened"
"Yeah I know, you needed comfort and I was there, same as ever Roxas. Look I need to go outside for a minute" he scowled. I just nodded dumbly, cursing my ability to kill any friendship alive. "Still, Guess this is what I wanted isn't it? A life alone save a few people who treat me like shit"
I hated him at that moment, hated him maybe even more than I loved him. For years I'd been praying that if anything like this should ever happen, if he would ever kiss me purely for his own benefit, that I would feel nothing. I would be able to walk away and get on with my life. But no, the kiss, as messy and desperate as it was; was every bit as good as I'd imagined, it sent fire through my veins that I'd never felt before. I kicked a few things on the floor just to vent some of my anger. It hardly helped but it was a start. Sighing I lit up a cigarette in the hopes it would calm me down and clear my head. I mean for Christ's sake, I finally get what I want and it just makes like harder than ever. I'm never going to be able to see him again; I have to cut of all connections to him now. There's no way I can be around him now. Still that would keep Marluxia happy, he's been telling me to do that for months. I wish I'd never mentioned his stupid work, but I can't help it, seeing him work himself to death is too painful to bear. God I loved him, and that made me hate him all the more.
Axel had been gone for half an hour before I decided to venture out, not that I even knew where we were. I hadn't been paying attention to the road when we stopped. I stepped out and was hit by the salty breeze. He stopped at the beach? I walked down across to the stones and sand, hearing the sound of shells being crushed as I walked over them.
I saw Axel sitting on the rocks near the ocean. I didn't go over straight away but just watched him. But it was cold down by the shore so I climbed up and sat next to him. He didn't seem very surprised but then why would he be? He knew how impatient I get waiting for people.
"I didn't know you smoked" I commented as he took one last drag before putting out.
"I rarely do" He replied "Only seems to happen after being with you" there was a faint hint of humour, but it wasn't the right time for me to carry on his jokes. So I just sat there staring into the distance. I was completely dark now and the ocean and sky seemed to merge together. Even more stars were out here as the sky was so clear so I began naming them all, uttering the names softly under my breath. After a while Axel looked at me strangely.
"What are you doing?"
"Naming the stars, its something I do when I'm bored" I felt myself going red, realising how sad I sounded. Axel just smiled
"I'm sorry" I suddenly blurted out
"For what?" he asked
"Everything really, treating you the way I do, shouting at you in the car, kissing you…" my voice trailed off.
"Its okay, I shouldn't have bought up your work again" I could tell he was itching to lecture me again but didn't want to break the mood. He still didn't seem very comfortable being next to me though.
"I, I think I'm gonna quit that job"
His eyes widened in surprise "really? Why this decision all of a sudden?"
"The only reason I worked so hard was to get away from reality" I admitted "But I know now I need to start facing up to the real world and not just be carried along by anyone who will take me. Plus having a good friend to encourage you always helps" I smiled faintly at him. He remained soundless for a while. He was clearly thinking carefully about what to say next.
"Roxas I need to ask, why did you kiss me in the car?" he tried to ask the question sound casual but the raw need for answers wasn't hidden very well. Should I lie to him or tell the truth?
"Because you were there, and I needed someone to love for a while" I admitted honestly. He nodded, clearly expecting that answer but I could still see some hurt in his eyes.
"I don't think I can stay being your friend Roxas, you know how I feel and this is all killing me. I'm sorry but there's only so much a guy can take" it sounded like he had rehearsed those few words over and over they were said so quickly.
"I understand" because I really did, but I couldn't leave it just like that "but what if…. what if we gave it a shot?"
He looked puzzled "Give what a shot?"
I sat closer to him and smiled softly
"You and me silly"
Axel almost fell of his rock in shock.
"But, you don't….why would you….I thought you?" his words came out a jumbled mess.
"Just think about it okay. I'll admit okay, that I'm not madly in love with you the way you are with me, but when I'm with you I feel something I don't with anyone else in this world, and I think that it could grow into something stronger very quickly. I think you could be the one I truly fall for Axel" I was surprising myself with everything I was saying, I'd never even realised how much I felt about him until I said it out loud. But now came the worst part, I had to wait for his answer. Once again my impatience shined through. Suddenly he grabbed my arm so I turned to face him. His eyes seemed to filled with fear but maybe that was just the moonlight.
"Are you joking?" The grip on my arm tightened as he spoke "Please tell me you're not kidding around again, because if you are that's not funny"
"I'm not kidding Axel, I really feel this way" I could sense how unsure he felt, how untrusting he was of me. I couldn't blame him really. There was clearly only one way to convince him I was telling him the truth. I leaned closer and put my arms round his neck. He tensed up at first but I looked him straight in the eyes. I never thought I'd be involved in a real life cliché moment but time really did seem like it was standing still. Still time standing still was a nightmare to someone as impatient as me so I pulled Axel closer to me and kissed him. But this time it was so different than earlier in the car. This time it felt right. This kiss was actually for Axel, not for the closest person I could find. I could feel his arms tighten round my waist. I knew him well enough to guess what he was thinking. He still didn't completely trust this kiss, but he wasn't willing to let it go anytime soon. But I had to disappoint him as I pulled away.
"Now do you believe me?" I whispered.
"Yes" he gasped breathlessly
"Is this what you want; are you really willing to give this ago?" I had to know that this wasn't him simply getting what he's always wanted out of the way. I didn't think he would do that but spending so long with me could have rubbed off on him. A tight panic clenched my chest as he didn't answer for so long. Lifting his head to face me he gave me a killer smile.
"I've never been surer about something in my life"
I couldn't hide my relief as I laughed out in joy. This was the first day of my new life, one that will make me a better person and someone who enjoys coming home every day.
I slumped my head against Axel's shoulder, fatigue finally taking over.
"Axel?"
"Yeah"
"I know I've asked so much of you these last few years but I have one more request"
He looked worried "Uh what's that?" he asked
"Can you drive me home?"