Disclaimer: I don't own FFVII, except for a mere copy of the game.
Many thanks to my great beta, Novocain.
Dorky mistake: I tried to reply to a review and review another story at the same time, while it was still early in the morning. Thus, I ended up leaving a review to myself, when it is in fact a review reply. Whoops. I can't delete it now. So, please ignore the stupid "thank you" comment, and feel free to laugh at this sleepy author's stupidity. :P -Mari
Handwritten
i.
Hey, Reeve.
You know, the guy's not so bad after all. A little old-fashioned, maybe, but that's to be expected. We were standing under a beech the other day when he suddenly launched forward and kissed me on the forehead. His lips were coarse, but the gentle gesture was unexpected. Leviathan, was I surprised! I almost blushed. Almost. There must be something wrong with me. It's spring and Wutai is not as boring and barf-inducing as it normally is, so maybe that's it.
I still can't believe how things turned out. I don't want to get married, as I suppose you already know. (As a side note, I'm sorry for breaking your good ashtray the last time I was there. I missed Godo's head too, such a waste). I really don't want to marry some man I hardly even know. But, although I hate what I have to do, I can't hate my father anymore. Or Yuu, for that matter. I could have chosen to refuse my title and shun my responsibilities so that I could run off into the wilderness to play with Frogs instead, but I didn't. I'm stupid.
Godo went so far as to half-jokingly offer me a special Materia Hunting Squad that would fetch precious materia from around the world for me if I agreed to give my consent. You see, when I get married, I will have to remain at the pagoda and the royal chambers, catering to my nation and husband respectively. There will be no time for materia hunting. I find that a part of me will die once this notion sinks in completely. Heh. I'm such a kid, it seems. I can't blame them for treating me like one. I liked acting like a kid, as long as I could get away with it. There was a time for world travelling and dangerous adventures, I realize. There really was a time... You were there, so you know.
I'm in my bedroom now. Godo had the servants strip the posters off the wall last night. The place seems bare. The paper I'm writing on is lying on top of a large flat box of chocolates from Yuu. There is a card, too. It reads: "To my dear fiancée. Enjoy". I wonder how much more generic a person can get. I can't stop laughing, but I shouldn't be making jokes about this. Old, especially bad, habits die hard, I guess.
Oh well, it's no fun talking about these things. I have to get ready now; Yuu is going to take me for a walk at the feet of Da Chao. I'll get to see the old geezer's brown toenails again. Yay. I wonder what sort of romantic line my future husband will come up with for that.
Take care and tell the others not to be strangers,
Yuffie.
ii.
It's scheduled for the day after tomorrow.
The sense of impassive dread that has taken over my body is that of premarital limbo. The gown hanging in the corner seems so white, suddenly - too white, almost... I can't bear to look at it - it's as if I'll go blind. Sorry for laying all my stress on you, Reeve, but a black pen and a piece of paper is all I have at the moment.
In your last letter you said that you're not coming to Wutai in order to attend the wedding. Busy, again? Is that so? I can't help but feel that you don't want to come. And I wonder why. You're one of my closest - no, the closest friend I have, silly. I know we're not always on good terms and we like calling each other names, but you really are my best friend, you stupid jerk. The ninja princess needs you. Won't you come?
Somehow, for some reason I can't fathom, I'm not feeling so brave anymore.
iii.
It's been so long. It's all my fault. I did get your last two letters but things have been really hectic around here. Godo got sick with pneumonia sometime last December and I've been running from the pagoda to the hospital to the palace. Yuu is fine. With his newly-acquired duties as the ruler of Wutai and the uproar caused by Furigawa's attempted coup d'état, he's been busier than ever.
As for me, people say I haven't changed much. My hair is longer, of course, and much more fitting for a lady of my stature (don't laugh), but my face is as childish as ever. Whenever I mention something like that or nag in front of Yuu, he gets a good chuckle out of it.
You know, he has a goatee now too. It's just a patch of ash-like hair scattered along his jaw line, but it always reminds me of you. I trust you still have yours?
iv.
I'm a mother now.
His name is Takeshi, and he's the most beautiful boy in the world. I'm always smiling these days, like a hook is keeping my lips in smiling position from the sides.
Come by when you have some free time. I want Takeshi to meet you as soon as possible.
Lately, I've been having an increasing longing to see you again in the flesh. Find some time for me.
v.
It sure took you a long time. To find some time, that is. If I sound stiff, it's not your fault, though.
I couldn't bring myself to say it during our quiet evening in the garden with the maple trees, but you have changed. When you were talking to me, your eyes reflected something still and cloudy, something I'd never seen lurking there before. Maybe it was my own reflection that I saw. Maybe I'm the one who has changed.
We should have met sooner. Fourteen years can be anything from a heartbeat to a lifetime: children grow up and go to school, where they make friends and develop personalities of their own; flowers stand tall and then wilt to their deaths; dust begins to settle over your hair; the air around you becomes stale. It's a slow process. But I can feel it, slashing at me from behind my own back. I can feel it on my cheeks and my fingertips, and I can see it in the wrinkles around your eyes - where there used to be only small creases before and, even then, only when you laughed at my antics. I feel it. I hear it in my husband's raspy voice, and I smell it in the dry winter air, fresh like mint leaves. It sneaks past my defenses and up my nostrils, where it tickles every single one of my senses until my eyes begin to sting from the heat and the cold.
Falling... I suppose it started some time ago for both of us, and you knew all along. Was it at my wedding, when I accepted Yuu's warm and calloused hand around my waist as we danced for the first time and I kept looking over his shoulder at the man in the expensive blue suit, half-hidden before the wooden fence? The poker-faced man wasn't even supposed to be there - you said you weren't coming to the wedding.
Maybe you shouldn't have. I was selfish, and I wanted you to love me despite everything. It's my true nature, this selfishness, just like you said that one time in the quiet darkness of your bedroom. You're selfish. You're a selfish person, Yuffie. So you'd better goddamn cling to it, and you might survive.
Back then, I hurried to put on my clothes and go back to Wutai, stifling tears. But I think I understand now... after I saw you again. There was no bitterness in these words, only honesty. But no matter how honest you were, no matter how much you tried to protect me, Reeve, it didn't quite work out in the end. I understand your intentions now, but this doesn't change the fact that you were slightly off the mark. You see, I can't find a single thing to be selfish over. Such a sad existence this must make mine. Not a conclusion you quite expected from the woman who chose to silently kill her emotions and let them rot at your feet, when she could have been loved and cherished instead.
I should ask you to forgive me, even at this late hour. I know I didn't meet your expectations. I know that, if you had known this from the start, things would have been different. I know you loved me. I know it well, so so well... from the inside out.
It's all I can think about these days.
vi.
Reeve, won't you say something?
I've been coming to the seashore a lot since the last time I wrote to you. I can't remember when exactly that was. Sitting on a handful of wet, colorful pebbles and watching the ocean froth and hiss and wail in a dance of fury is strangely soothing. The tiny droplets of moisture on my skin and this droopy weight of my eyelids are real. I am real. It's reassuring, since I've felt like a slowly evaporating substance all these years. This moment is refreshing, even if it's not mine. Sometimes I think that a part of me will always belong in the wild waters of the opening sea, so clean and becoming.
The thought is mocking me from a distance.
It's almost as it's whispering in the air... You. Unsatisfied sinner. Innocent murderer. Murderer, murderer, sinner, you. Your child grew up without feeling any love. You never got a chance to fix your husband his favorite pastry or caress his cheek. I'm talking about you, woman.
You, who made a man cry.
Did I?
If I ever made you cry, I'm sorry. It's who I am - it's who I was meant and raised and fated to be. I was young, foolish. I couldn't tell a good choice from a bad one if all the materia in the world screamed the truth in my face. I'm sorry.
Why won't you say something? Whatever you do, don't you dare forget me.
The ninja queen needs you again. Come to my rescue, and I won't deny you this time. Reeve. Reeve - dear Reeve. I beg of you, come and take me away - far away, to some place where I can hold your head in my arms every night and kiss your tired eyes to sleep.
Tenderly, like I've always wanted to.
I'll be waiting.
vii.
A strange man came by the palace yesterday, holding a large pack of yellow papers that were torn at the edges and tied together with a thick red string.
And then he spoke - fast words and shifty eyes. "Please, accept these. They are yours. Mister Tuesti was holding onto them in his last moments. His death was a peaceful one. I'm really sorry. Please excuse me, Your Majesty," is what he said, and he left.
I don't understand. I'm sure the letters were fakes so I threw them in the fireplace. I don't understand, but it doesn't matter either way. He must have made a mistake. You're still there for me, like you've always been. There is no other way, there is no other option. There can be no world where you'd leave me behind.
So, please, just say something. Anything. Anything will do.