Title: No More Hiding
Rating: R - Faith's in it. (more likely PG13 but better to be safe)
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters in this story. They belong to Mutant Enemy, Fox, etc.
Author: Kegcider gkegroup@ntlworld.com
Summary: Faith comes back to Sunnydale.
Archives: Anyone that wants it. Just let me know
Feedback wanted please, this is the first fic I'm letting loose on the world. Be gentle.
Faith's Diary [Inside front cover.]
Vampires aren't real. Just in case the person reading this is a shrink. They are not real and I don't believe in them and this isn't a journal, it's a work of fiction.
Faith (Not a vampire slayer.)
November 24th, 2001.
Hi,
My name's Faith. I'm a vampire slayer. Ignore the bit at the front. That's just in case I get arrested again for something. Apparently diaries can be given as evidence for psychological evaluation and society has this habit of locking up everyone that believes in monsters. Especially people whose job it is to save society from monsters. Go figure.
Anyway, as I said, I'm a vampire slayer. I'm the Chosen One. One girl in all the world, chosen to fight the vampires. Actually, I'm half the Chosen Two, Two girls in all the world… These days we can't get anything right.
For those that aren't aware, the Vampire Slayer - singular, is supposed to have a Watcher - singular. The Watcher's job is to guide and train the Vampire Slayer so she can slay vampires and save the world and protect the innocent and right the wrongs and be a general all-round super-hero.
Slayers are supposed to fight and die, Watcher's are supposed to watch and keep diaries.
I don't have a watcher so I decided to change the role descriptions a bit. I figured that the Slayer could fight and keep diaries, and we'd skip the watching and dying bits.
Besides, future generations might be interested in the diary. If the Watchers' Council let it near a future Slayer it could help her. That's what I'm hoping.
Enough of that. Bit of background first.
As I said, Vampire Slayer. In general Slayers are given to Watchers to be trained, and the thinking goes that younger is better. When I introduced myself as Faith, I wasn't being evasive. That is my full name. Just Faith. I'm the slayer that replaced Kendra - full name, see the pattern? When one slayer dies the next is called, so I became a full fledged slayer when Kendra was killed.
Now for the tricky bit. There's another slayer. Her name is Buffy Summers (note the last name). She wasn't trained properly by Watchers. She sort of got lost in the mix apparently until she was called. The Watchers didn't find her until the last minute so she didn't get all the years of training that me and Kendra had.
Kendra was called to replace Buffy when Buffy died, but in this wonderful age of CPR, Buffy didn't stay dead and suddenly we have two Slayers. Cool hey?
Okay, back to the history. People that have met me recently get surprised that I can write at all, but they all forget that I'm a "classically trained" Slayer. That means that I've even had to suffer through Latin and that is nearly unforgivable.
But back to history. I have no family, they died. I was raised by my Watcher. I don't miss them because I don't remember them, but I do miss having a family. I've seen families on TV and I've seen other peoples' families and I've got to say I'd love to be part of a family.
Part of the training that Slayers get is about switching off your emotions and not letting them distract you. So things like friends and family would be distractions and are not permitted. The only person a Slayer should have any sort of bond with is their Watcher, and the Watcher & Slayer relationship is supposed to be like Shrink & Patient. No personal involvement or emotional attachment.
I used to be like a fucking robot, I'll tell you. From what I've heard, so was Kendra so I get the feeling that the Watchers' Council like robots. They sure as hell don't like Buffy, who isn't a robot. Or me, but that's for different reasons.
I'm not a robot anymore as you've probably twigged. I'll tell you now what happened.
Miss Harper, my Watcher. Her name was Deborah, but it was always "Miss Harper" to me. Well she trained me for all my life, taught me languages and stuff, how to fight, how not to feel. She was the only person I ever spoke to, about anything. Boyfriends, she told my why I couldn't meet boys. Vampires, she told me why they had to die. Time of the month, she went in to great detail about what was going on, then went on to talk about not having children and not getting involved with boys.
There were times I hated her, but I couldn't keep hating her. She was the only person in my life.
Then she died, and it was messy. Very messy.
I used to fight vampires because it was my sacred duty and the world needed saving and I was a super-hero. Fantastic Faith to the Rescue!!
That all changed when Kakistos decided that he'd had enough of the Slayer taking out his foot soldiers. So he decided to take me out. He didn't go for me though, he got Miss Harper.
When I saw what he was doing to her it made me sick, violently sick. He just laughed at me, then he began to ask her questions. He knew a hell of a lot about Slayers and Watchers.
One thing her knew was just how the Watchers Council would go about getting a Slayer-in-waiting for training. In some areas, people know about Vampires and Slayers, and they'll voluntarily give up their children for training if one is a Slayer. Apparently this happened to Kendra.
Me, I come from Boston, MA. We don't believe in superstitious rubbish like vampires, do we? So when the Watchers Council find a Slayer-in-waiting, they have to come up with another way of getting the child.
Kidnapping a child is a very high profile crime and it gets the FBI involved real quickly. Having an entire family disappear is something else entirely. It's just sort of assumed that they're running from debts or something.
Kakistos made Miss Harper tell me how the Watchers' Council had killed my parents and my elder brother just so they could take me to save the world. That sort of totally blew my view of the whole Slayer-gig and I rebelled just a little.
I watched Kakistos turn Miss Harper, then for fun he threw me in a pit with her. To see if I could dust her. It was so easy. I looked at her and all I could think about was how she'd been involved in killing my family. Add to that the fact that she was a vampire. Without vampires, there would be no Watchers' Council and my family would still be alive.
Kakistos gave me a head start for sport and I ran. I headed straight for Sunnydale where the other Slayer was. I knew she'd have a Watcher and I'd never be able to trust a Watcher again, but I had no problems with another Slayer. She'd be able to understand, I thought.
November 25th, 2001
November 26th, 2001I had to stop writing before. This old stuff is hard. It'll get better when I've caught up and can start writing about what I'm doing now.
Anyway, I'm going to change the topic. I don't want to write about Buffy yet. So back to the Watchers and Slayers bit.
There's this test that the Watchers' Council give to Slayers when they reach eighteen. They call it the Cruciamentum. Basically they drug the Slayer so that she loses her powers, then lock her in with a vampire. It's supposed to build confidence. I've found out that it's a lie. The test doesn't always happen when the Slayer reaches eighteen. In some countries, it happens when the slayer turns twenty-one, in others it happens when they turn seventeen. They time the test to match that country's age of majority. When the Slayer is no longer a child and they lose some of their control. The Watchers' Council is all about control. Until Buffy Summers, no slayer in recent history had survived the Cruciamentum. They only reason I'm still alive is because I'd already cut all bonds with the Council by the time I was eighteen. The test is designed to kill the Slayer without openly going up against her, so that a new, more pliable, slayer is called.
With these guys being my sole role models during my formative years, it's no wonder that I learnt to take what I want, no matter what the cost is.
That's unfair. There are some good people in the Council. No, that's not true. There are some good ex-members of the Council. Giles and Wesley are both good people. Wesley started off being a prick, but he's learnt a lot since he quit the Council. Giles has always been good people.
They both hate me now of course.
November 27th, 2001
I'm gonna change the way I'm writing this. I keep having to stop. I'm going to start focusing on the now, with bits of history thrown in.
The now is a bit better, a bit more positive. After all I've got friends now.
Exactly two friends. I've had more in the past but I'm not going into detail about what happened because it's painful. Maybe later.
Anyanka - Patron Saint of Scorned Women (Formerly), Human (Currently)
Cordelia Chase - Demon Hunter (Currently), Movie Star (Inevitably)
Cordelia and Anya have been great. I'm really amazed, not just because of the history with me, but because I'd read them so wrong.
Cordelia seemed like such a superficial bitch, but there's a hell of a lot more going on there than it appears. I've finally worked out why Xander was so cut up when he lost her. Buffy had said that there was more to Cordelia than people thought, but even she seemed to forget that most of the time.
I don't think any of the gang have really understood anything about Anya. Red can't get past the vampire-twin stuff. I think the problem they've got with her is the demon side. They don't get that she's not a demon anymore and that just because she doesn't brood like Angel doesn't mean she's not hurting. They always think "Anya ex-demon" and "Anya walking hormone". They never remember Anya being twelve hundred years old. Or that for those twelve hundred years, the only people she ever met were pissed off vindictive women and two-timing husbands. She's spent twelve hundred years surrounded by bitterness and betrayal. No wonder she's having trouble coping with the whole being-nice thing.
I really don't get what she's doing with Xander, I gotta say. But she seems happy, if a little distracted that even he doesn't want to talk about her past.
She's my best friend. Can you figure that? My best friend is an ex-vengeance demon. Sort of fitting really. After all she's best-friends with an ex-psychopathic slut killer.
I really appreciate everything she's done for me, and everything she's doing. I'm glad I'm not the only one around here with a history. It's just a shame that being pure evil for twelve hundred years is easier to forgive than being insane for three months and a coma.
I sometimes get mad at the way the Scoobies hate me, but it never lasts. It can't. After all, I do deserve it. I wouldn't forgive someone for doing the sort of things I've done, but I'm not a Scooby. I've got higher expectations of them because they seem to be able to forgive everyone except me. I mean, they've even got Spike in there with them now. He's tried to kill them all on numerous occasions but they forgive him. He isn't even sorry.
I think it's the lies they couldn't stand. Spike's probably never tried to be their friend, so they've never been disappointed in him. They don't get that I wasn't trying to be their friend, I was their friend. Until they dumped me when the whole Deputy Mayor fuck up happened. I was freaking big time and I didn't stop until I finally got into prison. It was just like some sort of runaway train, everything just seemed to happen no matter what I tried to do.
I'm out of prison now, have been for about six months. It was only about a year I had to spend in there. Well actually supposed to be two years but I got good behaviour. There was no evidence for any of the really serious stuff. The only thing they got me on was the assaults at the bus station, in the hospital and at the night club. They dropped the killings - I mean murders. Wesley didn't press charges, I don't know why. He wouldn't talk to me in jail, so I've never been able to find out. Cordelia won't talk to him about me, nor will she tell me about him. I don't pressure her about it at all, I owe her enough already.
The only other people I was worried about were Joyce - for assault, unlawful entry, criminal damage; and Buffy - assault again. I feel guilty as hell about it but I can't really ever imagine Riley pressing rape charges.
Neither Joyce nor Buffy pressed charges. I don't know why not. Maybe one day I'll be able to ask them. Can't yet.
When I got out, I went straight to Angel's place. He wasn't in, neither was Wesley. They were out doing good. The only one there was Cordelia. When she first saw me, she was scared as shit. No real surprises there, but I was surprised at how quickly I could calm her down when I started talking to her, and apologised and all.
She's really a very cool person.
While I was trying to make her feel alright, and trying to show her I was sorry for what I'd done to her, she got one of her visions. Worried me nearly to death when she just sort of collapsed in front of me in pain. I had no idea what was going on. I thought I'd scared her into a heart attack or something.
After one of the longest minutes of my life she straightened up and told me that some kids were going to get done by a Cadillac full of yuppie vampires. Apparently she gets these visions a lot and they just tell her of something supernaturally bad going on, then Angel and Wesley sort it out.
Without Angel or Wesley around, I volunteered for the duty. I figured that whoever was sending these visions knew I was around and sent that one for me. Cordelia agreed eventually and together, yeah - together, we stopped the vamps. Cordelia's got the Caddy now. I'd have liked to keep it but its too high profile for what I've got to do. By the time we'd finished with the vamps, Cordelia was actually able to turn her back without worrying that I'd stick something sharp into it. Likewise I'd figured that maybe I could talk to Cordelia about things.
I've always been a real private person. It's the Slayer Handbook training again. Emotions are a weakness. I know that that can be true. I wouldn't have gone through the whole fucked-up psycho phase if I was still a good little Council robot. Emotions are a strength as well. I know that as far as demon stomping power goes, I'm a hell of a lot tougher than any robot, and Buffy is as well, and its because we've got emotions. Saving people is personal to us. So is kicking the crap out of monsters.
I've written how my Watcher was killed. When Kakistos did that, and had her tell me about how they killed my parents, I sort of threw away everything the Watchers had told me about how to not feel. I just sort of went as far away from that as I could.
While I was running from Boston to Sunnydale, I did thousands of things I'd never even considered doing before. Stealing stuff, sleeping around. I even did drugs a bit. I don't do drugs much, Slayer constitution means that getting a serious high costs too damn much and doesn't last long enough anyway.
By the time I got to Sunnydale, I was a complete slut. Totally off the rails. I still thought I was a good person though, still a super-hero saving the world. Meeting Buffy just reinforced my idea that anything the Watchers tell you to do is wrong. After all, Buffy came back from the dead because she had friends, and Slayers aren't supposed to have friends.
Giles was cool though. I knew right from the start that he was a good person. I got that confirmed when the Watchers' Council fired him. That really was like a seal of approval to me.
It all went to shit when the deputy mayor died.
I'm going to stop now.
November 28th, 2001
November 29th, 2001
November 30th, 2001
I really hate writing some of this stuff down.
The deputy mayor was an accident. Plain and simple. I regret it, but it wasn't really my fault. I know this now. At the time, I thought it was my fault and I couldn't handle the guilt. Neither could Buffy so she started to shut me out. The Chosen Two disintegrated. We had Buffy the Chosen One and Faith the Chosen Fuck-Up.
I don't know why I did what I did after that. I remember it all very clearly, exactly what I did, what choices I made. But I don't remember why I made them, why I felt the way I did. I was so out of it. I thought I had friends back then, but none of them knew me as well as I thought they did and they weren't able to help me. I remember when the gloves came off, when Buffy was chained to the wall in Angel's mansion, I was talking some crap story about dogs and a drunk mom. It was all obvious bull and I think it was just more "I've had a hard life - please give a damn" stupidity, but by then Buffy hated me and it didn't matter.
Looking back at it, I do think that I wasn't the only one to make mistakes back then. Regardless of that, I went on to do some really bad things, that were entirely my fault. Those things are why nearly everybody hates me, and why I'm here now.
I've looked at what I've written so far, and it's all history. This is going to be the last look back. I expect that I'm going to prove myself a liar, I just can't stop thinking back to what I did.
Okay, I got out of prison and met Cordelia and we, for want of a better word, bonded. Me and Queen C - buddies. Unbelievable.
As you'd expect, once we started to trust each other, we did eventually get around to talking about me and what I was going to do. I've come up with a sort of mission statement for what I'm doing now.
"To fulfil the duties of a Slayer, to make things up to everyone I've hurt, and to not fuck-up again."
Short and sweet and so far, fucking difficult.
Cordelia drove me to Sunnydale in her nice new Caddy, and a damned scary trip that was, and then introduced me properly to Anya. I'd only met Anya a little before when I'd stolen Buffy's body. I knew next to nothing about her, except that she was the girlfriend of someone I'd slept with then tried to kill. Well, apparently Anya and Cordelia were getting to be friends, again this is something that the Scoobies have never cottoned on to.
Cordelia basically asked Anya to look after me. And you can guess how that went down. I'm a murderer, I'm mentally unstable, I'm a DEMON slayer, and I bedded Xander.
If you guessed that Anya said "Okay, sure, no problems" then you're wrong. What she actually said was, "Okay, but Xander's mine."
No kidding.
Just like that Anya agreed to look after me, and Anya takes it seriously as well. She instantly became my best friend, and any time that she doesn't spend with Xander - he is number one after all, she spends with me. She sorted me out a place to live - her house, and she feeds me and clothes me.
I was a bit dubious about taking her money, but she said that it was only Demon money anyway, she wasn't working for it anymore. Apparently when she'd come to Sunnydale for Cordelia's wish, she'd sorted herself a place and a bankroll, in case it took a while to get Cordelia to wish for anything really nasty.
What it meant was that she had more money than she could ever spend, a very nice place, all of her own and a total case of loneliness whenever she wasn't around Xander. Or me.
I think that had a lot to do with it.
Anya doesn't think Willow or Buffy like her. She's probably right. They can be damned picky, and anybody that's had anything to do with Xander seems to be on their shit-list. Or maybe its because she's an ex-demon, Cordelia's an ex-professional bitch and I'm an ex-psycho. According to Cordelia, Xander's also tried his luck with a giant bug and some dried up mummy - as in bandages. Gotta laugh.
I've been living with Anya for the last five months. In Sunnydale. The Scoobies don't know I'm here. According to Anya, they don't even realise that I'm out. That's a good thing.
Cordelia says that Angel and Wesley haven't mentioned me, so they probably don't realise I'm out yet either. It tends to be Cordelia that keeps track of things for them, so if she doesn't tell them, they don't guess.
Everybody knows I only got two years, so they'll all be expecting me in about six months. I'm hoping I get a chance to start to make things right before then. I really can't face going up against Buffy again.
The arrangement I've got set up is quite groovy actually. Anya tells me about any demons and stuff that the Scoobies are having problems with, while Cordelia gets me research info from Giles. Giles thinks he's helping Wesley and Angel.
This way I get to help. I don't ever help them when they could see me, so if Buffy needs to raid a vampire nest or something, I'm not there. But I do work on the fringes, soften them up a little. Pick off the stragglers. That sort of thing. That's the problem.
I can only help Buffy and the Scoobies while they don't know I'm here. If they were to find out, they'd hunt me down, and I'd probably be dead. Maybe I'm overreacting, but I put it at about fifty-fifty whether Buffy would take me out. It's probably about the same as to whether they'd hand me to the Watchers' Council, which is the same end-result. The Council would immediately decide they prefer robots.
Okay, time to surprise people with my education again. That makes it a twenty-five percent chance that neither Buffy nor the Council would kill me. I haven't even taken Willow, Riley, Giles and Xander into consideration yet. I guess I'm running at about five percent chance of being able to keep doing the Slayer thing.
It's not worth the risk. Better that I do my best for them from a distance, so that's what I'm doing.
Neither Cordy nor Anya have come up with anything special for me to go after tonight, and I haven't heard anything myself, so I'll just do the usual. Patrol at about two a.m.
Buffy's a college girl, so she usually gets her patrols done so she's back at the dorm by about midnight. Handy that, stops overlaps.
I'll be going out in a couple of hours. See what I can find.
December 1st, 2001
Fuck me.
Sorry.
Last night was a bit of a shock to the system. You see I messed up. Not badly, it just wasn't what I wanted.
I was out there doing the circuits of the cemeteries when I see these two girls doing some sort of spell thing outside of a crypt. I figured out who it was immediately, and sure enough there they were. Willow Rosenberg and her girl Tara. I do my damnedest to get away before they see me, but I'm so busy hiding I don't see the two vamps that are going for them.
I hear Red's scared yelp, and spin round. The vamps have got the girls in choke holds and they're grinning at each other. Synchronised feeding, what next?
Anyway, Red's pretty much passed out by now, but Tara's still alert and she's watches me as I come up behind the vamps and stake them both. They never even realised I was there. I catch Red as she falls and gently lower her into Tara's waiting arms. She's out cold, but it looks like she'll be fine.
Tara's looking at me with this grateful but confused expression. She knows that she should know me, after all - I kill vamps, but she doesn't know where from. I don't say anything, but suddenly she gets this scared look over her face. She's worked it out.
Seeing that Red is still out of it, I start talking to Tara. I introduce myself, and she's not surprised - she'd got it alright. I tell her I'm not going to hurt anybody, and she nods. Anya told me that she was really good at spotting when people are lying.
I then ask her the biggie. I ask her not to tell Willow or anyone else that I'm around. She looks dubious, but I tell her point blank that I expect Buffy to kill me. As she owes me anyway, she doesn't take too much convincing.
As Red begins to come round I hightail it away. Leaving Tara to come up with some bull about her staking them while levitating a branch. Red seems to accept it, she's still a bit dazed.
I watch over them until they finish up and get back to the dorm. I figure Tara knows I'm there but she doesn't say anything after all.
So one of the Scoobies knows that I'm out.
I made one more friend, or at least one less enemy, last night. I figure saving Willow must be worth some brownie points with Buffy as well. As long as I get a chance to tell her before she stabs me again.
That's what scares me the most. What if I can make things up to everybody else, but Buffy doesn't realise it and kills me anyway? What if she doesn't care?
I get confused sometimes as to why I'm doing this. Am I doing it for Buffy? I don't think so. I think I'm doing it for me, because I need to do it for Buffy. Whether she wants it or not, I've still got to do it for me. Does that make any sense at all?
Well that's tonight's news. I'm caught up with as much as I want to write now. I'll cut down my entries for when there's actually something worth mentioning. I keep ticking off the days though.
December 2nd, 2001
December 3rd, 2001
December 4th, 2001
Three vampires, nothing special. Two were waiting by the grave for the other one to wake up, so I figure I finished the whole family.
December 5th, 2001
December 6th, 2001
Cordelia turned up today. I speak to her most days on the phone, but I'd missed seeing her around. She and Anya brought me presents. I'd totally forgotten it was my birthday.
I'd even forgotten I had birthdays, it'd been so long since anyone gave a damn. Miss Harper stopped celebrating my birthday when I was ten, apparently it was time to stop being childish when I hit double figures. I don't know how the hell Cordelia and Anya found out, but it does mean that I've now got to work out when their birthdays are so I can get them something.
Cordelia brought me this little Wile E. Coyote badge. She'd wrapped it with a note, which I've stuck below.
No matter how long it takes. No matter how many times you're blown up, have rocks fall on you, get hit by a truck. No matter whatever.
Pick yourself up and try again. You'll get the Road-Runner eventually.
Love, Cordelia
I really dig it. I've officially got a role model now. Sure as fuck beats the Watchers' Council.
Anya got me a present too. I don't think I've every blushed so hard as when I opened her box. Neither had Cordelia. Anya's so open about sex it's incredible, even to a slut like me.
Anya said that she knew I missed Cordelia. In case you hadn't realised it yet, Anya is my best-friend but Cordelia is my girlfriend. I don't know quite when it started, but I love Cordy and she says she loves me, and Cordy very rarely lies - except when she's acting. We took things slowly. By my standards it was practically stationary, but we've been officially a couple - we told Anya - for about seven weeks now.
So Anya said that I missed Cordy, which I really, really do. She also said she knew how slaying made me hungry and horny, and she figured that her gift would help out with the problems that were too much for the fridge. I was speechless, totally. That's just not the sort of thing you give as a gift, even if it has got variable speeds. Anya just blows me away sometimes, she really does.
She's the best best-friend I could have.
Things are better with Anya and Cordelia than I've ever had before, even better than when I was hanging with the gang. Maybe its because I've managed to go six months without betraying them. I think it's more that they're my sort of people. I don't know how to deal with the pastel world. And no, I don't blame anyone else for what I did, not really. It was me I'm well aware of this.
December 7th, 2001
One vampire done and dusted.
December 8th, 2001
Two vamps dusted.
December 9th, 2001December 10th, 2001
Five vamps dusted. They all had a weird sort of tattoo over their eyes. One of the vamps a couple of nights ago had the same sort of thing, I didn't see the other. I'd thought it was a scar or something.
I've drawn it and shown it to Anya. She said it seemed familiar but she couldn't place it. She's going to come up with some story or another and ask Giles about it.
December 11th, 2001
Six more vamps, all with the same tattoo. I managed to dust four before the last two ran off. These guys weren't out casual like, they were looking for me. I saw them ignore a couple of kids as they were scanning around. I think I've pissed them off. I guess I must have missed one before and he told the gang. I hope the two that ran off were the last. Haven't had a chance to speak to Anya yet.
December 12th, 2001
I haven't patrolled yet. I've been speaking to Anya, she finally heard from Giles. Apparently they are some sort of religious cult, typical California. Some vamp decided that he wanted a laugh and stormed a commune or something. They were all live-let-live hippies, but under the main man's influence they became convinced that they were the chosen emissaries of the Angel of Death.
They used to serve these demons called the Gentlemen. Anya told me that Buffy and Riley killed the Gentlemen off a year or so ago, so these guys are here for the Slayer.
But they found the wrong Slayer and think it's me that did the Gents in. I can live with that, keeps B out of trouble.
December 13th, 2001
All I can say now is OW!
I found the rest of them. They were down in a warehouse by the docks. The undead have no imagination.
I'm glad I'd managed to dust eleven of them already because the other eight were more than I wanted to deal with. I did deal with them though, 'cos I'm 'ard - sorry, I've been watching Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels. I caught it on the TV so started watching it. Can you believe that that's where Giles and Wesley came from?
I'm getting off the topic here because the topic is painful, and I don't mean all that angst-y guilt-trip-y stuff I've been into. I mean a gash down my back that's nearly a foot long. Also, my left arm's busted, clean break above the elbow so it's not as bad as it could have been. I'd dislocated my knee and my shoulder, but I put those back in place last night. What fun that was.
Anya's helped me with bandages and splints and stuff. I'll heal up, it'll just take a bit of time. Time while I won't be able to go out and patrol. I feel pretty bad about it, and that's not something I expected. Responsibility, duty, doing the right thing. Maybe I'm actually getting a conscience if I feel bad because I only almost died.
But I do feel bad, and I've made Anya swear that she'll tell me if anything major comes up that Buffy's having trouble with.
I'm going to be laid up for about a week, even with the Slayer healing and stuff. I can see myself just pigging out in front of the TV. I wonder what the maximum weight ever achieved by a Slayer was?
December 14th, 2001
December 15th, 2001
December 16th, 2001
This is boring as hell. Anya said I could use her credit card, but I just can't find the shopping channels interesting. I don't want a limited edition individually numbered Abigail collectors doll with real hair. I'm sorry, it's just not who I am.
December 17th, 2001
I bought a Wile E. Coyote tee-shirt. It was just so cool, and Sunnydale doesn't have a WB store. I'm going to wear it while I slay. Let them know that I'll keep coming back no matter what happens to me.
December 18th, 2001
What's left of my brain is beginning to dribble out through my ears. I don't care how I feel. Tomorrow I'm going to go patrolling.
December 19th, 2001
I went patrolling. I didn't find anything. All I can say is thank you God because I could barely walk by the time I got home. I can tell I'm getting better though, a lot better.
I'll be right as rain tomorrow.
December 20th, 2001
Right as rain. And it is raining too. What a laugh. Found a vampire which was good. I got to vent my frustrations on her. She got the point. I know, that pun was unforgivable, but what the Hell. I feel better now. All together now
I'm slaaaaying in the rain.
I'm slaaaaying in the rain.
What a wonderful feeling
I'm haaaappy again.
December 21st, 2001
Cordelia's coming to stay with us over Christmas. She told Angel and Wesley that she's here to see her parents. She's staying here though, with me and Anya. And that'll mainly be just me and her because Anya spends a lot of time with Xander still. He never comes here, I wonder sometimes what the deal is with him. Doesn't he want to know how Anya lives? Not my business.
December 23rd, 2001
I feel really strange writing in Faith's diary. I'm Cordelia by the way. Faith talked about her diary a lot, I know it was important to her. IS important to her. I'm really on edge. Faith's been missing for a day and a half now. I don't know what to do. Why is it that I can't get a vision when it's important?
I arrived last night, it was fairly late by the time I got here. I almost ran into Riley, he was walking down the middle of the road like a lunatic. I stop the car and see that he's been pretty badly beat up, worse than even Wesley gets.
He tells me about this group of weird vampires that jumped him and how this dark-haired chick came to help. He was knocked out, but the last thing he saw was her being carried by four of them off towards a van.
I tell him it was Faith and for a minute I think he's going to laugh at me, but he seems to accept it after a while. He was the last of us to see her. I hope she's still okay.
I grabbed Anya and together with Riley we crashed Giles' place and quickly called a Scooby meeting. I know Faith will be pissed, but Buffy's really the one we need to help her out now.
It's not long before it turns into a full fledged screaming match between me and Buffy. She can be so self-righteous sometimes. I was surprised by the amount of support Faith got. I'd expected it to be just me and Anya begging for help, but Tara, Riley and Xander stuck up for her. I'm going to have to find out about Xander.
Eventually Buffy and Willow agreed. I don't think they really had a choice when it was clear that the rest of us would go look for her anyway. They both made it pretty obvious that there would need to be discussions after we found Faith.
We're all supposed to be trying to think of ways to find her. Xander and Buffy have already beaten up Willy the Snitch. Tara and Willow are doing Wicca stuff - yoga or something.
Anya's cooking. I don't know, I guess it just helps her relax.
Me. I'm keeping Faith's diary up to date. She wouldn't want it to get forgotten. I can't sleep, haven't done since I arrived.
December 24th, 2001
It's about 2 in the morning. I cannot believe how stupid I can be. I was writing in the diary, but I didn't read it - figured it too personal. I decided to hell with it and read the last few chapters. Buffy's on her way here, should get here in five minutes or so.
We're going down the docks. I do hope it's those same bastards.
Eight a.m.
Faith's back. Thank god for that, I'd thought I'd lost her. It was a close thing, the undead freaks were going to sacrifice her to bring back those Gentlemen. We got there before that, but not before they'd almost beaten the life out of her.
She's in hospital now. So am I, I got a busted rib. So is Buffy, busted shoulder. We make a great team don't we? Turned out Faith had underestimated the number of vamps by about fifteen. We got her loose pretty early on, I'm actually getting good with a crossbow now. Then with both Slayers and Riley and Xander in the mix, with me and Giles shooting and Tara and Willow spelling and holy water, it turned into a pitch battle.
Everybody else is fine, it's just us three that have been hospitalised, but it should only be a day or two at most. Anya threw some money at the hospital and we're all in a small ward together. The three of us in a row, Buffy by the door, then me, then Faith by the window. I'm glad Faith's with me, and I didn't want Buffy to be alone in here, I remembered she hates hospitals. I can see it causing some fun tomorrow - when we're not quite so medicated.
I'm packing it in now. I've been up about two days and I'm getting doped up.
December 25th, 2001
Merry Christmas.
It's still Cordelia. Faith's writing arm is busted, so I'm official diary keeper. Today things have been really quite good, for everybody.
The worst bit was this morning when Joyce turned up to see Buffy. Nobody had told her that Faith was here and the look on her face was priceless. She talked about moving Buffy to another room, and I could tell that she wanted to move Buffy to another hospital all together.
Buffy said no. She said that she wasn't worried about Faith doing anything nasty yet. I guess that she's finally worked out that Faith is trying to do the right thing now. Buffy said she wasn't as badly beat-up as Faith and would be able to take care of herself and that besides, she wanted to be able to speak to Faith.
I piped up at that point, I just couldn't help it. I told Joyce that it was an ideal time for Faith and Buffy to talk because this time, neither of them was in a position to either fight or run away. Joyce wasn't impressed, but both Buffy and Faith got it, they were actually agreeing with me, and each other.
Not long after that Joyce left. She wished me well as she went, but wouldn't even look at Faith.
Anya and Xander were next. I figure they were waiting outside for Joyce to finish. They both said "Hi!" to me, handed out bags of grapes, then Anya went to speak to Faith and Xander spoke to Buffy. It was hard eavesdropping on both conversations at once, but it turned out that they were both apologising.
Apparently Anya had told Xander about Faith months ago. He'd agreed not to tell Buffy or anyone about it as long as Anya kept him up to speed on what Faith was doing. That was why Xander never came to Anya's house, he didn't want to cause a situation. Faith was a bit upset that Anya hadn't kept the secret, but it didn't last, after all Xander didn't seem to hate her like she'd expected him to. Buffy was pissed with Xander, but then she always had a short fuse when it came to anything Faith. She seemed unhappy but moderately calm by the time Xander had finished.
Xander and Anya left not long after that. They said they thought it was time for Faith and Buffy to get to know each other again.
They didn't get a chance, because at that moment Willow and Tara turned up. They walked in and said "Hi". Willow went to sit next to Buffy for a few minutes while Tara sat near me and Faith and we gossiped for a bit. After a while, Willow stood up and walked up to Faith's bed. She looked at each of us slowly, as if she was putting something off. Then she spoke, and I'll never forget how hard it seemed for her to say it.
"Faith," she said. "Thank you for saving Tara, and for saving me. Welcome back. You know I'm never going to be your biggest fan, and even before you went loco, we didn't get on particularly well. But… I'm glad you're here. And if you ever need my help, it'll be there for you."
That said, she shut up so fast you could hardly believe it. Faith said a quiet "Thank you," then we all watched as Willow left, with Tara behind her. Faith looked at me, while I looked at her. "That was really hard for her," Faith remarked with a grin.
I just nodded. Too close to laughing out loud to say anything.
Buffy was watching us carefully then she spoke. "Faith, I think it's time we talked."
I wished that I could have left them alone, but I couldn't move, so I put on the hospital headphones and listened to the radio instead. Buffy hobbled out of her bed and went to sit down by Faith's. She leant in close and they started talking in earnest tones. When I glanced over next, it looked like Faith was crying, and that isn't something that I've seen very often. Actually twice is all. The first time was when I had that vision when she came to the office, when she'd thought she had killed someone else. The other was the second night we spent together. Apparently she'd never had anyone hang around that long before.
Pretty soon I saw Buffy stand up and take Faith's hand for a moment before going back to her bed. I do hope that means that Faith doesn't have to keep hiding anymore. I worry about her.
Faith wasn't a saint. Behind Faith herself, I'm probably the quickest person to agree with that. She did some really bad stuff, but she didn't deserve to have to go through what she's been through the last few months. It's a lot like with Angel. Angelus did evil stuff and didn't feel bad about it at all. It wasn't until Angel got his soul back that he got punished and by that time, it was the wrong person being punished. Angelus still doesn't know what guilt feels like.
Faith's the same deal. I know that technically she didn't lose her soul, but it's a pretty slim difference between losing your soul and losing your mind. She's a different person now, a real good person. It's just a shame she's had to deal with everything that psycho Faith did.
I love her. Damn, I'd forgotten whose diary this was. I love you Faith.
When Buffy gets back to her bed, I stop pretending I was leaving them alone. Faith's still got tears in her eyes, but she smiles at me.
"So? Is the war over?" I asked.
"Yeah," Buffy answers from her bed. "I think we've about got the peace treaty signed."
I looked back at Faith.
"B's going to let me patrol with her."
"No more hiding?"
Faith smiled. "Not from Buffy at least."