Noriaki dropped his backpack on the floor, and kicked his shoes into the rack.
"DIO!" he shouted, "I'm here!"
Of all his friends, DIO was definitely the weirdest. And probably the most likely to get arrested in ten years for a string of untraceable homicides dating back to the eighties. Noriaki also suspected that he kicked dogs and was on a one man warpath to seduce the priest who shouted about avarice and really tall shadows in the quad on Thursday afternoons.
But, DIO was the only person he knew who had a Nintendo 64, so honestly he could be storing bodies in his freezer and as long as it didn't get in the way of Goldeneye, Noriaki couldn't care less.
"In here!" DIO shouted back in his faux British accent. He had been affecting it for years and Noriaki still had no idea why. All thing considered, he probably didn't want to know.
Noriaki wandered into the living room. DIO and two other men were crowded around the television, jabbing at the rabbit ears until Buffy coalesced from the static. DIO was the kind of person who had around ten copies of Dracula littering his house at an given time, and went to the opening of Interview with the Vampire wearing a pair of fangs and a cape. Noriaki would call him obsessed, but considering he himself once camped outside of a GameStop for Pokemon Red, he really didn't have the grounds to judge.
"Goddamnit!" DIO shouted. He certainly wasn't going to seduce a priest with that kind of language. "These are the credits; how am I, DIO, supposed to know if they closed the Hellmouth?"
"It's the middle of the first season," said the taller of the strangers in a heavy Bayou drawl, "they can't close the Hellmouth yet. It was probably just filler."
DIO scowled at him, purple lips twisted into a sneer. After a few seconds of uncomfortably tense locked eyes, the other man looked off to the side, scrubbing at his stringy moustache.
DIO smirked and turned towards Noriaki. "Kakyoin!" he said brightly, "how good of you to come. Here, sit down, do you want anything to drink?"
Noriaki sank onto the sofa, huddled next to the armrest. He had stopped accepting food from DIO after that old lady he dated for pocket change started smelling like bitter almonds, but soda was okay, probably. DIO made for a unsettling and somewhat overbearing host, sort of like a less personable and much sparklier version of the Beast.
"Sure, a cola?" he scratched the side of his neck, "third one from the back?"
DIO grinned widely and bowed out with a flourish. Noriaki was left with nothing to do but stare at the two strangers DIO had lured into his lair. The tall man with the heavy accent and bad moustache dressed like a card shark on a riverboat from the 1850's. He was also covered in cat fur, which made Noriaki's nose itch. The other man was younger, probably the same age as Noriaki, and wore a headband and bulky gold earrings. He gave off the impression of never blinking.
In all honesty, they looked exactly like the kind of people DIO would hang out with: mildly creepy and wearing too much neon.
Noriaki was maybe considering the possibility of perhaps introducing himself, so he wouldn't have to sit in uncomfortable silence squashed beside two strangers, when DIO stormed back into the room in his usual flamboyant way, heels clacking sharply against the linoleum in the kitchen.
"Ah," DIO threw three cans of soda in their general direction, "I haven't introduced any of you. Daniel and Terence, this is Kakyoin. Kakyoin, this is Daniel and Terence. D'Arby. They're brothers."
Noriaki forced a grin that probably had too many teeth, Daniel waved two fingers in a deliberately disheveled salute, and Terence blinked once.
"Now," DIO clapped his hands together, "let's play Mario Kart."
Noriaki nearly managed to hide a smug grin. Well, these two men certainly wouldn't end up being his friends. Mario Kart was 'attempt murder and let DIO hide the body' levels of competitive.
DIO passed out the controllers and crushed himself in between the arm of the sofa and Noriaki, slinging his arm across Noriaki's shoulders.
"You need two hands to play Mario Kart," Noriaki frowned at him. Pleb.
Daniel snorted on his soda and DIO leaned across Noriaki's lap to smack him.
Noriaki was honestly surprised when they made it as far as the character selection screen without disaster. The bright tinny music blared throughout the room. DIO picked Bowser, which seemed fairly typical of him, and Daniel and Terence picked Mario and Luigi, respectively. Noriaki knew DIO would make fun of him for choosing Princess Peach, even though she had the best acceleration, so he picked Toad instead.
"Who gets to pick the track?" Terence spoke up for the first time. He was missing his brother's heavy accent, but there was a still a hint of it in the overdrawn a's and sharp way he ended his t's.
"We'll flip a coin for it," Daniel said. He reached over and pulled a coin from behind Noriaki's ear, rolling it across his knuckles in one smooth motion, "I call heads."
"There are four people," Noriaki objected, swatting at his hand, "you can't decide with a coin toss, that's for only two people."
Daniel clicked his tongue and shook his finger. "Not if I multiply the tosses by four, then divide by two."
Noriaki looked at DIO, to see if he could make any sense out of that statement, but he was still fumbling with his controller, trying to fit his hand around the middle arm and still be able to reach the joystick.
"That makes no sense," Noriaki protested, "let's just draw straws or something."
"I have an ouija board," Terence dug into the tote bag at his feet. Puppetry supplies spilled over the carpet. "We could use that."
Not for the first time, Noriaki wondered where DIO met the people he ended up associating with. Probably in a dark alley. At night. Belatedly, Noriaki realized that that included him, but wrote it off as semantics, considering it seemed unlikely either Daniel or Terence had puked on DIO at first sight.
"How do I hold this thing?" DIO grumbled.
Noriaki and Terence sighed as one, and Noriaki leaned over to adjust DIO's grip, curling his sharp nails around the L1 and R1 triggers.
"Just ignore the middle thingy."
DIO smiled down at him. "Kakyoin gets to pick the track," he announced, like this was his house and he could kick them out if they started to argue. Which it was, so no one said anything, even if he had forgotten to fake an accent for a few syllables.
Noriaki selected 100cc, because he at least wanted to give them a chance before he crushed them into the polygon track. And then he picked Rainbow Road. Daniel sighed.
On the T.V. the camera hovered over the track, giving them nice preview of the car platforming hell to come.
"I, DIO, like this track," DIO said, ignorance and naïvety coloring his voice, "it has a good color scheme. Although, it'd be better it if the world was in view in the background."
The countdown started, and DIO ground his thumb into the 'a' button. Bowser revved his engine loudly and constantly. Noriaki, because he wasn't stupid, waited until the timer hit one before thumbing the button.
Toad shot off with a burst of speed, matched by Luigi, while Bowser exploded in a cloud of smoke. DIO cursed and started jabbing the buttons on his controller. Bowser rolled backwards.
Noriaki and Terence were neck and neck, but Noriaki managed to slip Toad around a corner a fraction of a second faster than Luigi. They made it past the first jump, foregoing the speed tile that would send them shooting off into space. Daniel swerved onto it, sighed, and dropped his controller into his lap until the cloud koopa dumped him back onto the track.
The first lap ended without much chaos. Noriaki sped past DIO, who was still going around the track in reverse, slowly scraping Bowser across one of the few gates on Rainbow Road. Noriaki bit back a sigh. At least he was decent at Castlevania.
He snapped his eyes back to his own screen, narrowly avoiding a fall into the inky blackness. Toad pulled back into the middle of the track, but his momentary lapse in concentration let Luigi slid ahead of him.
He let Toad coast for a bit, building momentum, then rammed the back of Luigi's kart. Terence spun out of the way, dropping the green shells he had picked up at the last item box.
Noriaki let himself grin as he burst through the finish line again. He had at least a five second lead on Terence. Daniel was hovering somewhere around fifth place, viciously crashing into Donkey Kong. DIO, bless his shriveled heart, passed him again, still looping around the track backwards and falling off every available ledge.
He swerved to avoid a banana peel, and Terence chose that moment to use a mushroom, edging up just behind him. He shot a glare across the couch, but Terence's eyes were fixed on the television. Fine, whatever. They crashed through a set of item boxes, and Fortune smiled on Noriaki, because he got a banana peel.
Toad pulled directly in front of Luigi and slowed down. Noriaki's finger slid across the left trigger. He waited until they were about to go across a jump before dropping it. Luigi spiraled into it, and then off into the starry abyss.
Terence's face twitched, like he wanted to shout but it was undignified to scream at someone over Mario Kart.
As if.
Noriaki would gamble his soul on video games if he had the chance. Video games were serious business, or however the cat pictures spelled it.
He crossed the finish line into the final lap when Terence finally caught up to him. He had to admit, the other man had no small amount of skill. But he was still going down.
They both pulled into the final stretch. One more jump and it was all over.
Terence met his eyes across the couch, smiled slightly, and clicked the left trigger.
The blaring horns that haunted some of his stranger nightmares echoed out of the tinny speakers.
"No no no no no," Noriaki muttered pressing his thumb into the 'a' button. He thought he felt it crack under the pressure. He was coming up around the final curve, he could make Just one more jump.
The blue shell hit him like the explosion it was. Toad fell screaming into the depths of space, and Luigi zoomed into first place.
Noriaki took a deep breath as the cloud koopa dropped him back on the map. Second was fine. He could deal with second.
Toad rocketed off the ramp, and a red shell rocketed after him. Peach, the treacherous whore, jumped over him with a giggle, taking second with a flourish and a sparkle. Daniel followed her with Mario just as Toad was dumped on the map, like a crack baby in a fast food dumpster. Donkey Kong rocketed past into fourth.
Noriaki felt his face burn red as he re-oriented Toad and pulled into a slow, pathetic fifth place.
Daniel clapped Terence on the shoulder with a broad grin. Terence faked a blush and looked down, a smug smile pulling his lips up at the corners.
Noriaki sat in stunned silence, his controller in his lap, until Bowser puttered backwards across the finish line.
"It's all right," Terence said, with the smug voice of someone who just won first place in Rainbow Road, "this was a hard track. You can pick an easier one next time."
"You blue shelled me you fucker." Noriaki said it quietly. How had he even gotten a blue shell? Had he been saving it since the beginning of the game just to screw Noriaki over? No, he must have gotten it when he was in sixth or seventh place, after Noriaki banana'ed him off the jump. Was it coincidence, or as he just an asshole?
Probably the latter. These were DIO's friends, after all.
"I take back what I, DIO, said," he, DIO, grumbled, "this track is ugly. Let's do the haunted mansion one next."
"You blue shelled me." Noriaki repeated.
Daniel shook his head. "We should've gambled on this."
"I cannot believe you blue shelled me."
Terence leaned out from the cushions. "I hate losing. You understand, of course?"
"That was a dirty move and you know it." Noriaki jabbed his finger across the couch.
"Are you sure you aren't just upset because you suck at this game?"
Noriaki's eyes blurred red. "What was that?"
"You heard me." Terence smiled. He had a nice smile, but it mostly made Noriaki want to knock his teeth out. "U mad, bro?"
Noriaki lunged across Daniel's lap so he could strangle the man's little brother.
"You wanna go, you little shitlord?" Noriaki got his hands curled into Terence's lapels. For a second, he saw a flash of intense regret ripple across the man's face, and then Noriaki smashed their foreheads together.
"Ow, fuck!" he shouted as DIO hauled him back into a headlock.
"Let me go!" Noriaki shouted, struggling against the fleshy brawn. "He insulted my skill at video games; I need to kill him!"
"Stop struggling!" DIO caught a stray elbow to the cheek and grunted. "It's useless!"
Daniel finally gave up and busted out laughing, spraying soda out of his nose and onto the carpet. Terence jumped to collect his puppet parts before they were ruined. Noriaki sighed and slumped into DIO's chest.
"That was such a mistake." Noriaki pinched his nose shut. "I think I'm bleeding."
DIO's eyes went a little funny at the sight of blood, but he managed to pull himself away to grab a towel before his living room started to look like a crime scene. Well, more of a crime scene.
Terence wasn't bleeding, so Daniel ducked into the kitchen to try and salvage his shirt. Noriaki sat on the couch and tried not to look like he was pouting.
"If it helps," Terence offered after a few minutes of tense waiting and unsubtle glares. "I do tournaments. I'm pretty good at this."
Noriaki stared. "And your brother wanted to bet on this? Isn't that hustling?"
"Hey," Terence shrugged, "if you've got it, flaunt it."
They met eyes for a few seconds, then dissolved into helpless giggles over the sheer ridiculousness of it.
"Man, sorry I tried to break your face in," Noriaki gestured towards the other man's face, "but, I mean, that was some pretty nasty stuff you were saying."
Terence held up his hands. "You did more damage to yourself than to me, no hard feelings. You aren't terrible at Mario Kart."
Noriaki returned his grin.
"...but I bet you're shit at Smash."
It slipped into a scowl.
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
"Then let's go!" Noriaki grabbed the controller, bloody nose forgotten. He couldn't keep a smile from pulling up his cheeks, and a quick glance at Terence informed him that the other man looked just as stupid.
After a dozen rounds of Smash, a misplaced call to the cops for screaming like they were dying, and a spin on the ouija board to see if there were any murder victims haunting DIO's house, Noriaki could probably say that this was the best afternoon he had ever wasted on video games.
Notes:
Extra bonus points if you got the music reference in the first real paragraph.
If I really cared about semantics, they would have an SNES, but I've never played Mario Kart on one of those (it's our Tetris/Dr. Mario and Contra 3 machine) and I'm not going to download an emulator just to write a fanfic. Also, the SNES can only have 2 players.
Smelling like bitter almonds is one of the signs of arsenic poisoning.
According to the meme database, 'U Mad' came about in 2003. I write this like it takes place in 1997 (Smash came out in '99, let's chalk it up to time travel), so oops.