Chapter 1: The End of the World Again
- - timeausTestified [TT] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] at 18:12 - -
TT: The crowd waits with bated breath for the hero's return. Was she victorious? Did she win the fair maiden's heart?
TT: So, did you finally stop chickening out and ask her yet?
TT: Roxy.
TT: Are you there?
TG: why dirk
TG: i got no idea what youre talking about
TG: *whistles innocently
TT: Cut the crap Lalonde. Did you propose to your girlfriend or not? I have to know now for the sake of important research.
TG: impotant research my ass
TG: *important
TG: actually frist time was right
TG: you just wanna get all up in my business so you can gossip w/ all your ladyfriends
TG: just call everyone over and do nails and have plillow fights in skimpy clothing
TG: dont worry girls I wont cop a feel
TT: While nails and pillow fights do have their appeal, I am far less interested in what those ladies are wearing and what you're wearing on your ring finger.
TT: Spill it.
TG: course youre not intrested in those ladies
TG: much rather have a sleepover w/ one mr english
TG: *wonk*
TT: You haven't done it yet, have you?
TT: You have once again failed to find the courage to do this one simple task.
TT: The two of you have been together for five goddamn years, Roxy!
TT: What do you think she'll say, "No, it turns out I was lying about liking you this whole time"?
TG: its not like that dirk and you know it
TG: since you gotta look after her bro all the time
TT: Allow me to clarify one thing. Caliborn and I are not in a relationship. Nobody is in a relationship with Caliborn. The only relationship Caliborn will likely ever have is an intimate history with his dentist.
TG: god you still havent weaned him off sugar?
TG: callie got her act 2gether before the end of her fsist year
TG: *first gogdammnit
TT: You talk about him as though he is an infant. He's a grown man who can make his own decisions, albeit poor ones.
TT: But enough about him.
TT: Why haven't you asked yet?
TG: k you gotta keep this secret
TT: My lips are locked. The key is lost. You know I'm trustworthy, Roxy.
TG: the problem is her feels as an ex-cherub are hard 2 figure out
TG: I dunno if she even knows what her feelins are since she originally wasnt capable of em
TT: So you don't want to force her into a social contract she can't escape? You know she has the ability to say no, right?
TG: yeah but she wont
TG: she wont wanna hurt my feelings so shell say yes
TG: thats the problem
TG: i kinda bought the ring on impulse w/o thinkin what it meant
TT: I see. You suspect she isn't ready. That is a very reasonable opinion. Just keep this in mind, Roxy.
TT: Calliope is a grown woman. She has lived in this world for ten years now; she's not as naïve as she used to be.
TT: I believe she has enough willpower to say "no", and is aware of what marriage means.
TG: but even if she knows
TG: theres another problem
TG: why teh fuck would i ever think for even a single goddamn minute that im marrage material?
TG: like what have i done that proves i can be even remotely dmomestic?
TT: Are you serious, Roxy?
TT: As I said before, the two of you have lived together for five years. You possess a little brick house in a quaint, Washington DC suburb. You guys don't even need a chores list because you're so used to the mundane routine. Rose told me she saw you downtown yesterday walking down the street together holding hands and making eyes at each other! When's the last time you've even gone out partying?
TG: ...well...
TG: like, a year ago?
TG: and she came w/ me
TT: Do you see what I'm saying? I don't think the wild lifestyle is quite as important to you as you think it is.
TG: look dirk
TG: i have the domestic ablilities of a water buffalo
TG: im gonna screw up
TG: i know it
TT: Of course you are. Marriage takes work. It won't be perfect right away, but you'll get the hang of it. I know for a fact that the two of you love each other enough that you won't leave when things get rough.
TT: You've fought before, correct? Yet you've still managed to stay together?
TT: I'd say that's a pretty damn good sign that you'll keep doing that even if you screw up.
TG: well...
TT: Don't bother arguing with me, Roxy. You know I'm correct.
TG: heh heh
TT: What?
TG: how do you even know this shit?
TG: youre a prepetual bachelor and the only guy youre interested in is off in the pacific islands
TT: Do not try to argue with a Heart player about relationship issues. On top of that, someone in my household watches a lot of marriage counseling shows, and I pick up on things.
TG: rly?
TG: who?
TT: I'll just leave that up to your imagination.
TG: hahahahahahah! oh shit!
TG: I cant believe this
TG: waitll I tell callie!
TT: Oh, she already knows. You don't live with him for a long time without knowing.
TG: ahahahah! k dirk i gotta go
TG: need 2 get some air
TG: also gfs burnin dinner
TT: Best of luck, Roxy.
TG: thx, dirk
TG: you really are teh best
Roxy quickly set her Pesterchum status to "idle" as the scent of burnt steak began to permeate the living room. She figured she had better get to the kitchen before all that was left was a pair of charcoal briquettes.
Standing in the doorway, Roxy peeked in at her girlfriend. The former Cherub was stooped over the stove, frantically attempting to fan away the smoke wafting from the unfortunate cuts of meat.
"Callie, do you need some help, babe?"
Calliope jumped, knocking a nearby pot off the counter with a resounding clang as she twirled to face Roxy.
"Ah, no worries, love! Everything is under control here. Just ducky!"
Roxy always found Callie's faux-British mannerisms adorable, and this time was no exception.
Trying to hide her grin, Roxy replied, "Then where's all this smoke comin' from?"
Calliope looked at the blackened steaks, then back at Roxy. She sighed. "Very well, perhaps I could use some assistance, if it is not too much trouble. I can simply never figure out how to time it so that it comes out well-done as opposed to extra-crispy. Being a Cherub was easier when it came to food; raw meat didn't take much time to prepare!"
Roxy giggled. After the game, everyone had been revived by a man who called himself "The Narrator". Then they were placed into a new reality, which seemed to be a near replica of Universe B1. The aliens also received human bodies in order to fit in. Easier said than done. The Cherubs had massive difficulties adjusting to human food. Neither of them had initially seemed to figure out that raw meat could make humans sick, or that too much sugar was unhealthy. Of course, after the first outrageous dentist bills and a couple nights kneeling before the porcelain throne due to food poisoning, Calliope had shaped up her act. She still struggled with cooking, though.
"Here," said Roxy, pushing past the flustered woman and pulling the oven open. "It looks like it's done, anyway." It was a little burned (okay, a lot burned), but the meat was still edible. After getting together their side dishes, mashed potatoes and salad, they settled down at the table to eat together.
A few minutes passed in uncharacteristic silence. Roxy was thinking deeply about their future. Was Calliope really ready for this? She'd had ten years to adjust to human emotions. As Dirk said, Callie was a grown woman. She wouldn't let herself be pressured into something she wasn't comfortable with, right? Over the years, she had become so much more assertive.
What was Roxy really afraid of, anyway? Maybe she was scared that she wasn't ready for this. While Dirk may have been correct in his assessment that partying wasn't as important to her as being with Calliope, that didn't mean she'd be a good wife. Her B1 counterpart settled into the domestic life when she adopted Rose, but she didn't exactly win any "Mom of the Year" awards. Would she be able to handle it?
Great, now she sounded like Rose, psychoanalyzing herself. It would be fine. She'd been with Calliope for five years now, and she couldn't imagine surviving without her. Being married wouldn't be all that different from the way things were now, right? Just day-to-day life with a ring.
"Roxy? Is something troubling you, love?" Calliope suddenly broke the silence.
"Oh. I'm fine," replied Roxy. Better come up with an excuse quickly! "I was just thinkin' of somethin' Dirk said today. Did you know your bro watches marriage counseling shows for fun?"
Calliope rolled her eyes. Any mention of her brother tended to have that effect. "I know. He does so for entirely the wrong reasons. It's part of his uncanny fetish for red romance or some such codswallop."
"Oh? I thought it was totes hilarious!" Roxy said enthusiastically.
Calliope grinned, but said nothing, simply returning to her attempts to saw off an edible size chunk of meat. Using the pause to her advantage, Roxy decided she should at least ask Callie her opinion on this. No point beating around the bush.
"Callie, I got a question."
"Hmm? What is it, Roxy?"
"What would you think about-"
A sudden, shrill noise echoed through the room, cutting Roxy off mid-sentence. At first she thought it was the fire alarm, but then she realized it was coming from outside the house. An air raid siren.
The two women looked at each other speechlessly for a moment, all previous conversation forgotten. Then Calliope spoke.
"What in blazes is that sound? A siren?"
"For air raids," Roxy responded absently as she ran to the living room and rifled around for the remote. Momentarily she emerged from beneath the sofa, device held triumphantly in her hand. She plopped herself down on the cushions and flicked the TV on. Calliope settled tensely beside her.
"-hospital. Police have surrounded the building as a result of what appears to be some kind of riot." The well-groomed and official looking woman on screen spoke into a microphone facing the camera. In the background, several blocks away, a building fueled a towering inferno. Strange, greenish-gray smoke billowed upward as hundreds of tiny figures dashed to and fro at its base. Flashing blue and red lights ringed the scene as police and firefighters fought valiantly against the flames.
As though sensing what the viewer was thinking, the camera zoomed steadily inward toward the chaos. It focused on a smaller group of rioters. Something seemed off about them. A police officer unloaded clip after clip into the crowd, but the presumed criminals showed no fear. As their fellows succumbed, more simply stumbled over top of them to take their place.
The camera shifted to another group of distant combatants. Police were running around frantically when a huge, hulking creature came charging out from behind a fire truck. What was it? A man? It looked more like an enormous gorilla. The officers absconded behind a cruiser, likely waiting for backup.
They needn't have bothered. The monsterous creature grabbed the bottom of the vehicle and, with little difficulty, lifted it bodily over its head. Frightened officers sprinted away but did not get far as the beast hurled their cruiser. It crushed them where they stood.
Roxy could hear the cameraman swear just as she also heard Calliope gasp. Turning, she noticed that her lover had her hands plastered over her eyes. Callie shook slightly.
Roxy inched over to her cowering girlfriend and gently slid an arm around her.
"Shh... it's alright. It's all gonna be fine Callie, you'll see", Roxy whispered, not really sure if she was trying to convince her lover or herself.
"I... it's dreadful, Roxy! What's happening over there?" the former Cherub sobbed behind her hands.
"I dunno, babe, but if you stick with me, you'll be safe, 'kay?"
Calliope did not answer, instead opting to bury her head in Roxy's shoulder.
The TV droned on: "- you, Linda. The police have offered a notice that no citizens are to leave their homes during this crisis under penalty of law. What's more, the city is closed off until further notice."
Roxy sighed. So much for suggesting a proposal tonight. Instead she simply held Callie closer as she replayed in her head the image of the strange creature, and the destruction it wrought.
- - timeausTestified [TT] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] at 19:03 - -
TT: Roxy!
TT: Are you there? Answer me!
TG: im here
TG: jegus no need 2 get pushy
TT: I just found out there is a riot occurring a few miles from you, and you're calling me pushy for worrying?
TG: wait you found out that quick?
TG: reporters are fast
TG: like a fast food restaurant that serves news
TG: hello miss id like a lrge lifestyle page w/ a side of sports
TG: would u leik a horoscope with that?
TT: Roxy I am fucking serious. The same thing is happening in cities all over the country. John told me a hospital in LA got hit, too.
TG: wait what?
TG: this isnt just a washington dc thing?
TT: No, there's coverage across the nation.
TG: fuck
TG: okay do you have any idea whats goin on?
TT: Well, we appear to be under attack by large groups of ravening hospital patients, many of whom do not seem to be affected by pain. What do you think is going on?
TG: hopy shiit
TG: ur sayin its a zombie apopcalypse
TG: *aplopcalypse
TG: *apocalpypse
TG: fuck it
TG: is it the end of the world or not?
TT: It's too early to tell for certain. All I know is that we should get ready, 'cause shit's about to get real.
TT: Not that we aren't familiar with apocalyptic scenarios or anything, but we should still be careful.
TT: Please take care, Roxy.
TG: dont worry bout me dirk
TG: imma zombie survival specialist
TG: me and callie will both b fine
TG: trust me
TT: I don't know if your hubris makes me feel better or worse. Anyway, keep me updated. I'll be online all night.
TG: k man
TG: oh and dirk
TT: Yeah?
TG: thx 4 bein such a good friend
- - timeausTestified [TT] ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] at 19:13 - -
- - tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] at 18:59 - -
TT: It appears we are currently being inundated with hordes of the undead.
TT: Even as a Seer of Light, I could not say I would have ever predicted this.
TT: A response would be very welcome right now, Roxy.
TT: Oh, you're talking to Dirk, aren't you? The wheels of moirallegience turn ceaselessly, I suppose. Perhaps when we get a chance we can discuss the wisdom of assigning Troll names to human relationships.
- - tentacleTherapist [TT] is now an idle chum! - -
TG: hopy shit rose
TG: no one cares about that
TG: theres chaos in teh streets and all you can do is babble on about intnterspecies relationships
TG: like if freud took a course in how to be even more obnoxious than he already was
TT: I resent your derision of the founder of psychology. Freud had many inventive ideas, even if he was completely insane.
TT: That isn't what I wanted to talk to you about, though. How are things on your side of town?
TG: p calm over here cept for all the sirens and ambulances comin by
TG: gotta say this was a surprise
TG: were both pretty shaken up
TG: you?
TT: Things in the Maryam-Lalonde household remain normal.
TG: thats good to hear
TG: hows kanaya takin it?
TT: She is quite irate at the government's irresponsible management of a zombie outbreak, and is currently on the phone to the chief of police attempting to give pointers.
TG: haha
TG: why r they even listenin to a random lady givin zmombie pointers?
TT: They are not; they have her on hold. I do not plan to interrupt her campaign. It is often best to allow Kanaya her space to fret.
TT: Anyway, let's get to the crux of this conversation, shall we?
TT: I have a proposition for you.
TG: oh?
TG: is is a prpositopn I cant refuse?
TT: Feel free to refuse if you wish. All I ask is that if things get out of hand, you and Calliope come to our apartment for refuge. It is advantageously situated high above the chaos.
TG: but nobodys allowed 2 leave their houses
TT: This is only for a worst-case scenario. Should the police and military fall, we are more likely to survive together than apart. Jade is already contacting PM and WV to make the same arrangements.
TG: oh w/ everythin thats hapenin I forgot jade was visitin you guys
TG: yeah if things get outta hand well go over there
TG: assuming we can even get there
TG: you know how apocalypses can be
TT: Indeed. Chaos is omnipresent. So long as we stay in touch, everything should be fine. We've survived worse.
TG: yeah i was tellin dirk not 2 worry
TG: but hes frettin like a mom on her kids first day of knindergarden
TG: *kindergarten
TG: tyin me to his apron strings and spittin on a towel to clean my face
TT: Would you say you are attracted to him as a friend because of his mothering behavior? You lacked a parental figure in your youth, so it makes sense that you would seek a substitute.
TG: nope
TG: were not goin down this road
TG: u can tlak 2 him bout it
TG: i got other things 2 do
TT: Of course. There is a probable apocalypse going on after all.
TT: But Roxy, please be careful
TG: fuck not u too
TG: k mom ill be safe
TT: Good. Don't forget to wear a jacket when you go out, and be sure to stay in touch.
TG: k later
- - tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] at 19:32 - -