"You two had better get your drunk selves out of here," Oswald Chesterfield Cobblepot announced firmly, practically shoving a more than tipsy Selina Kyle and Joker out the door of the Iceberg Lounge. He sighed as it started rain, and he thrust an umbrella into Selina's hands, shaking his head. "You poor fools, getting drunk on tequila at midnight. I'll call you a taxi."
"I think we've got this under control, Ozzie," Joker cackled drunkenly, swinging the umbrella like a cane.
"Thanks for the good time, Oswald," Selina smiled, pressing a sloppy kiss to his cheek. Her almond shaped green eyes glittered with humor and alcohol. "See you tomorrow."
"Till next time," Oswald promised, nodding his head. "Get some sleep, you two."
And he shut the door firmly, chuckling under his breath.
Selina linked arms with Joker and leaned against him. "Where to?"
"Why, the theater, of course!" Joker pointed the umbrella at the sky like a sacrifice to God (the irony killed her even through her tequila soaked mind) and wailed, "To see the Titanic in 3D!"
Selina hiccupped. "Okay," she slurred. "Do you know where it is?"
"Well…no," Joker admitted softly. He hung his head momentarily then said, perkily, "But we can get directions!"
"Who knew you were normal when you got drunk," Selina giggled, nearly tripping over her Christian Louboutain black and silver silk and leather lace-up booties with graphic cutouts.
Selina was, after all, an incurable fashionista.
Joker caught her before she pitched straight into the street. "Serves you right for wearing those ridiculous shoes," he scolded.
"Says the man who wears a purple suit six days a week."
"Oh, yeah? Well, what do I wear the seventh day?"
"A black suit." Selina grinned up at him, nearly tripping again.
"I never wear black suits. Selina, I think you might be drunker than I thought."
"Nooooo. You get drunk at least one day a week and you always wind up tripping into mud and ruining your suit," she explained as though it made perfect sense.
Joker began laughing. Soon, she was laughing too, and before long, both were howling with mirth and staggering all over the street. "You know," Selina giggled, wiping a tear from the corner of her eye, "I think I am drunker than either of us thought."
They stopped in front of a movie theater and she sobered up instantly. Straightening her ebony Dior bandage cocktail dress, Selina strode into the movie theater like a woman on a mission. Joker snagged her bangle encircled wrist and tugged her back, his fedora falling into his eyes.
"I don't have any money," he muttered.
"Neither do I," Selina shrugged. "Who needs money?"
Joker rolled his eyes at her. Selina always had been an impractical drunk. "How are you planning on getting in there?"
"Watch and learn," Selina purred, a wide smile lighting up her glittering green eyes. She strutted over to the young man by the ropes leading to the theaters and, reflexively, her hips swayed a bit more under the man's testosterone filled gaze.
From his vantage point, Joker could not see exactly what was happening but Selina appeared to be leaning closer and showing off a great deal of plunging cleavage as she did so. She placed a soft hand over the man's shaking ones and began speaking in what Joker assumed was a soothing, pleading voice.
Five minutes later, they were in the very last row of auditorium five, which was shockingly almost completely empty, and the movie, having begun before they arrived, was halfway through.
Selina massaged her feet after sliding her heels off, wincing. "You should have gotten us an empty theater," she hissed to Joker, who was shoveling down handfuls of popcorn.
Joker turned to her, looking hurt. "This one has, like, three people in it," he replied, not bothering to keep his voice down.
An elderly lady turned around and made a shushing sound at them. "You shush," Joker retortedin offense.
Selina tried to look as though she didn't know him.
"What a rude man," her husband whispered. "Let's go, sweetheart."
They left, taking with them a young girl, presumably their daughter.
"Now it's empty," Joker announced happily, tossing popcorn at the screen. "That man is wearing a hideous hat."
"Stop throwing popcorn," Selina laughed.
"No." He threw another handful at the screen. A few flew out of his hand and fell over Selina's lap.
"Hey!"
Before long, they were engaged in a full out battle, popcorn flying everywhere, the movie forgotten. In desperation, Selina snatched off her 3D glasses and threw them at her cackling opponent. A swell of music from the movie accompanied their manic popcorn-fighting as Rose kissed Jack.
Selina let out a shriek of laughter and Joker tossed a few kernels of popcorn into her open mouth as she did so. In retaliation, Selina upended the mostly empty tub of popcorn over his head.
Luckily for him, his fedora kept the majority of the popcorn off his head and Joker snatched her clutch away from Selina.
"Hey! Give that back!"
"Let's see what's in here," Joker teased, snapping open the top of the clutch to reveal a lipstick, a compact, a book of matches, a tiny bottle of ammonia, and a taser.
You know. Lady stuff.
Joker cackled, popping the top off the lipstick and revealing a red lipstick. "Aha!" He exclaimed triumphantly, holding the lipstick over Selina's head and dumping her clutch onto the seat beside her unceremoniously.
Selina laughed as he drew a picture of Batman in red lipstick over the wall of the auditorium. "Give him pointier ears," she snorted in a decidedly unladylike manner then laughed harder when Joker did.
Fishing out a black eyeliner, Selina sketched an image of the Batmobile. Pointing to one of the doors, she told Joker, "That is where I scratched the Batmobile when I was pissed off at Batman once."
"Such revenge," Joker cried dramatically. He placed a hand over his heart and began singing along to the music in the background. "I know there's something in the wake of your smile…"
"It isn't playing Listen to Your Heart," Selina reproached him.
"Really? It sounded like it. Then again, all piano sounds the same," Joker mumbled in annoyance.
"What about the Four Seasons by Vivaldi," Selina suggested.
"That was different; straight-up classical music, not just piano."
Selina began laughing then sang, "I get a notion from the look in your eyes, yeah…"
Pretty soon, she and Joker were wailing their hearts out to a song that wasn't even playing in the movie.
"You built a love," Selina sang.
"But that love falls apart," Joker continued. "A little piece of heaven…"
"Turns to daaaark…"
They hit the chorus together, "Listen to your heart, when he's calling for you! Listen to your heart, there's nothing else you can do."
"I don't know where you're gooooing,' Selina wailed.
"And I don't know why," Joker added.
"But listen to your heart, before you tell him good-bye!"
After that, it was Impossible by Shontelle. Then Halo by Beyonce. Then Numb by Linkin Park.
Finally, it was I Hate Everything about You by Three Days Grace.
"Every time we lie awake," Selina sang strongly, her self-consciousness long ago burned away by the karaoke and tequila. "After every hit we take…"
Joker, who had never had any self-consciousness to begin with, sang along, "Every feeling that I get…"
"But I haven't missed you yet!"
They turned to each other, pouring their hearts into singing a song they could barely remember the lyrics to.
"Every roommate gets awake, by every silent scream we-"
"Is anybody in here," a voice called out from the other side of the door.
"Shit," Joker swore in panic. "It's a cleaner!"
Selina muttered something extremely rude under her breath then realized the movie was over. "When did that happen," she asked aloud, frowning.
"What does it matter," Joker almost shrieked. "We've got to go!"
Selina snagged her clutch, dumping everything back inside, and ran out with Joker in tow, leaving a shocked cleaner in their wake. "I am so sorry for the mess," she called out. She threw a jumble of hundred dollar bills at him. "Sorry!"
They ran out into the street, Selina barefoot, her heels dangling from her fingertips.
"I thought you said you didn't have any money," Joker gasped.
Panting for breath, she turned to him, smiling. "I thought so too. Turns out having all these pockets in a dress are good for something."
She gestured to a tiny pocket by her hemline.
Joker began to laugh and she followed his lead.
"What shall we sing in the cab ride home," she asked, laughing.
"How about Angel with a Shotgun, The Cab," Joker suggested.
"No. Something more lighthearted. How about…something by Taylor Swift?"
"Sure." They clambered into the cab that Selina had just hailed and looked at each other. Needing no prompting, they began singing in unison. It was a mark of how well they knew each other that they picked the same song.
"You're on the phone, it's a typical Tuesday night…"
A/N: I had way too much fun writing this and I hope you enjoyed reading this too. I was scanning the archive of a Selina Kyle blog ( ) and someone asked her for a memorable time that she got drunk. She replied that she once drank too much tequila with Joker and crashed a movie theater to watch the Titanic in 3D.
Come on. How could I resist?
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