In another time
Set in present day: 2013 (written in the break between series 3 and 4)
Thomas and Jimmy are university students and meet as they stay at the same hall of residence - Downton Abbey.
The point of view will shift between the characters through the fic.
Thomas:
Thomas wakes up, feeling of the presence of another person beside him. As he opens his eyes a head of blond curls fills his sight. He can feel his heart skip a beat looking at the younger boy sleeping tight beside him. It's not the first time he's woken up like this. Thomas allows himself to lay there for a moment just looking at him knowing it's his only chance to do so. The boy beside him is 3 years or so younger than Thomas. He's handsome and his hair is blond and curly. Thomas allows himself to let his hand run through his hair for one moment. All the girls around seems to fancy him but Thomas can't blame them. Especially a girl called Ivy studying with Jimmy at times. She studies dancing. Thomas feels his heart ache at the thought and raises from the bed trying not to wake the person beside him. He casts one more look at him before heading for the window grabbing his cigarettes on the way.
As he sits there looking out the open window, smoking he allows his mind to wanders off. The last half year or so has been an emotional rollercoaster and his heart doesn't seem to be quite able to follow the development of things anymore.
Thomas still remembers the day he met Jimmy the first time as clear as day. He had been lost from the first moment they looked each other in the eyes. Jimmy was a new student at the university in the music faculty and had just moved into the Downton Abbey hall of residence two doors down from Thomas asking him if he could come to him with questions. Thomas had eagerly answered yes and had from that day helped Jimmy as much as he could. The more time he spend with Jimmy, the more he felt his hope growing. That maybe there could be something more. That maybe finally he would find someone who would stay beside him. As not to scare the other man away he started out flirting holding his gazes more often and touched him when he had the chance. The gazes of the other man never told him anything though. What pushed him further therefore wasn't Jimmy but Sarah - a girl from the residence saying she had heard that Jimmy wouldn't stop talking about Thomas. And Thomas had been a fool. Him and Sarah hadn't been good friends for a long time due to a feud. Still he wanted to believe the words of his fellow student so much that he ended up kissing Jimmy. It had been a late night. He had felt his heart break into so many pieces he couldn't even feel it anymore. He had never felt so cursed. He therefore also ended up walking the two doors down the hall to the other mans room. There he had entered looking at Jimmy in his sleep. He knew he shouldn't. Only creeps broke their feelings to another person this way. But he didn't see any other way. When one was like him you couldn't just scream it out lound. He was fully aware it wasn't the 20th century anymore and that being gay was fully allowed most places in the world and still he could see the disgust in other people's eyes when they realized. He still remembered his father's look when he told him. The disgust had shined out of him and he had denied him as his son.
Still Thomas allowed his heart to win for just enough time for his lips to find the sleeping Jimmy's. The moment he had done another of the people living there Alfred had walked past the door and Jimmy had woken up looking at Thomas as if he was the most disgusting person in the world. Jimmy had yelled at him for minutes Alfred still staring at them. Then he had kicked Thomas out leaving him alone in the hallway broken with Alfred whom had looked at him with disgust shining out of his face. Just the thought of it still broke his heart. Jimmy hadn't spoken to him months after that. He had even tried to get Thomas thrown out of the residence, with good help from Alfred, for what he had done and the head of the residence not being gay-friendly had almost gone along with that hadn't it been for the help of another of the residents. Jimmy's gaze hadn't changed though. He still looked like he was foul as the head had called him.
Thomas ran his hand through his hair as he held the cigarette with the other blowing the smoke out of the open window looking down over the forest below the window. His hair was raven black, his eyes piercing blue. He had got his fair share of attention. Not the one he wanted though. He feels a shiver going through his body as the cold summer air managed to get through the pyjamas pants and the t-shirt he's wearing.
What had really changed things was something that had happened to a party in town. Jimmy had gotten really drunk. Thomas had drunk a little himself but not even close to the amount Jimmy managed to get down. Thomas had been worried and had followed him around which in the end showed to be wise. Jimmy had by that time ran around the party throwing around some money he had won in a bet. By the time Thomas got there Jimmy had gotten himself into a fight. Without thinking he had run into the fight pushing Jimmy out of it telling him to run taking all of his beating for him. Jimmy had run away. Afterwards though he had come to say sorry and they ended up being friends. From that day on they became better and better friends laughing with each other. Lately it had changed though. Jimmy didn't seem to want to speak as much as before. Most likely because of what had started to happen. The first night had been a week ago. Thomas had woken up feeling the presence of someone else beside him. It didn't take him long to recognise Jimmy's scent though and he had felt his heart beat rise seeing him beside him. When he woke up the next morning though he was gone only the ghost of his scent left behind in the sheets. Thomas had felt his heart drop thinking Jimmy had regretted what he had done. He didn't speak to him much either. Always seemed to be in a hurry when Thomas came around. Still Thomas couldn't help himself but letting the door unlocked in the evening. And since that day a week ago every night it had repeated itself him hearing the door open and close shortly after that Jimmy's presence close to him. Sometimes he had been asleep sometimes not. If not he had pretended to be asleep. The same when the door would open in the morning leaving him behind and he felt his heart drop in his chest.
He's never dared getting out of bed before but he needs to think. And Thomas think best when he smokes. He can feel the chill rolling down his spine. The moment he hears the rattling of sheets in the other end of the room he feels the cold self certain facade slip up naturally. Inside he feels his heart beating like crazy and at the same time breaking into pieces fearing that Jimmy will wake up wanting to walk out on him like any other time. As he hear the rattle continue he keeps his gaze outside the window blowing out a cloud of smoke. Not once does he look to the other end of the room. He knows he should. Talk to Jimmy. Make him explain. But he also knows chances are that that isn't going to work out well. And he might never see Jimmy again. And if this is what Jimmy is ready to give him then this is what he'll take. He therefore keeps his gaze fixed outside the window allowing Jimmy to walk out or pretend to be asleep.
Jimmy:
Jimmy wakes up taking a couple of minutes remembering where he is. The scent of Thomas is everywhere around him. That's right. He's in Thomas' room. In Thomas' bed. He walked in last night when he thought Thomas might be asleep. Like every night for a week now. He feels his heart break thinking about it. He can see it in Thomas' eyes every time he sees him in the day time. He wants to ask why but he doesn't. He never speaks a word against Jimmy not even now. Every night Jimmy walks the two doors down the hall. Every night he thinks it's locked. And every night it's not. And there he is; Thomas - sleeping. And even though he shouldn't he does as every night before and crawls into the bed next to him snuggling into his chest the scent of Thomas filling up everything. He's careful not to wake him. He wouldn't know what to say if he did so.
That moment he realizes that the bed is cold. That the warmth that normally radiates from Thomas isn't there. As he turns around his heart starts to race faster than ever before at the same time dropping in his chest. The bed beside him is empty. He can feel his head turning red. He has no idea how to explain this to the older man. How to explain the reason why he had been sneaking into his bed every night because he confuses him so much. Because every move he has ever made has confused him more than anything has ever done before it.
As he looks around he finds what he's looking for on the windowsill - Thomas. As he looks at him he feels his heart race in his chest. His slightly ruffled raven black hair blends in with the night sky outside the window making his face look white with the exception of his piercing blue eyes looking at something outside the open window. As he does so he releases a cloud of smoke into the air outside the window. He always smokes. And even though Jimmy doesn't like the idea of Thomas smoking he'll have to admit that he does it with style. The cigarette directs Jimmy's attention to the light stubble on Thomas' face. He's never seen him like that before. Not truly. It makes him look slightly older but it also suits him. So does the t-shirt and the pyjamas pants. Makes him look quite handsome.
At that thought Jimmy pulls himself out of his thoughts. He can't just sit here. His heart is racing going crazy from the presence of the awake Thomas. Jimmy looks at him again. He's still not looking at him. It looks like he's choosing not to. Jimmy's not sure what to make from that for a moment but then understands. He's allowing him to leave if that's what he wants no questions asked. At that thought Jimmy looks at the door and gets up from the bed. He owes Thomas an explanation. He does. But he has no words. No words to say. As he grabs the door handle he can hear Thomas blowing out another cloud of smoke. He can feel his heart screaming inside his chest. Like always since that day. The day Thomas kissed him in his sleep. The day everything was turned around by just one touch. The day since when he hadn't been the same. Since when he'd been more confused than ever. And no music he could play seemed to be able to make it go away. None of it. With that he opens the door to the corridor outside leaving Thomas behind on the windowsill feeling his heart drop in his chest as he expands the distance between them.
Thomas:
When Thomas hears the door shut behind Jimmy he feels the tears starting to come up in his eyes feeling his hair fall out of place with it. He knew this would happen. Of cause he did. Jimmy didn't love him anymore than he had ever done. He was just using him. As he feels his hope disappear a couple of tears run down his cheeks. It's the second time he's cried over Jimmy. The first time he had been sitting outside trying to hide from all the people who seemed to tear his entire world apart around him trying to kick him out of his apartment leaving him on the street. Luckily some of his fellow student had helped him. Not that he deserved their help. He never did. He still didn't. Before Jimmy came around he'd been an idiot burning every bridge he had ever build. Jimmy had changed him a lot. Jimmy had changed a lot. And still he was the same. And all the same things seemed to repeat themselves.
With that thought he blows out the last smoke in the cigarette and lets in fall. Sometimes. Very often Thomas found himself wondering if there truly was a place for him in this world. If there truly was a place for what he was. He had used his entire life trying to become something somewhere. But nothing had ever seemed to work. And everyone he had ever loved was gone. Maybe he had never truly been loved at all. With that thought the tears starts to roll down his face. He doesn't try to stop it. Not now. Not now knowing that the thing he wants the most in the entire world is gone. Out of reach. Not knowing his might have blown it. That Jimmy might never come back. He knows the way it's been going isn't right. And still he knows he'll leave the door unlocked tomorrow night - hoping. Cause he's beaten. Well and truly beaten.
Jimmy:
Outside the door Jimmy stood with his face in his hands. He knew he couldn't just stand here. He would have to do a hell of a lot of explaining if anyone came by and found him here. He seemed to be lucky today though. Luckier than that night. That night when Thomas had made his move. Something Jimmy should have seen coming. He still wonders from time to time how it would have ended if Alfred hadn't walked by the moment Thomas' lips touched his. For so long he's tried to tell himself that of cause it would have ended the same way. He would have pushed Thomas away. Now he's not sure anymore. But then again he's not sure about much anymore. In the daytime he's strong enough to suppress it all. To make himself believe it's not there at all. That nothing has changed. But not in the night time. When the darkness surrounds him every piece of strength he had before is gone. The cold and the darkness seems to envelope him. Which in the end leads him to walking the two door down the hall to the comforting warmth of Thomas.
Thinking about it all makes Jimmy's face turn red like his cheeks are about to burn up. He has acted like a scared child using Thomas when he was weak. He hasn't spoken more than a 'Hello' with him since that first night. He couldn't look him in the eyes long enough for them to do so. Thomas had that effect on him. When they looked each other in the eyes Jimmy felt like Thomas could see everything. All his thoughts, all his feelings, everything. All of the things he's so desperately trying to run from. There just doesn't seem to be a run far enough for it all to go away. Thomas is still the first thing on his mind. He still misses his smile and his voice. Nothing seems to be able to make that go away. There doesn't seem to be anything or anyone anymore. No one except for Thomas. With every second apart Jimmy can feel the urge to turn around and walk inside the door again grow. To for once face his demons. Face all the things that confuses him so and talk about them.
He feels the largest urge he has ever felt in his life to just run. Run down the hallway trying to convince himself he's strong enough - that he'll not miss Thomas tomorrow night. But in his heart he know that tomorrow he'll go back again. And that if he doesn't do anything it'll never change. Then it could only chance if he walked down the hall one day to a locked door. As he thinks that thought he feels his heart break. He then turns around and grabs the door handle. He has no idea what to do. No idea what to say. But he needs to do this. Cause there is no way he could keep this up without at the same time making his heart fade away becoming so numb he would be unable to feel in the end.
When he enters the door what he sees makes him freeze to the spot. In the split second it takes for Thomas to notice him all he sees is the tears running down Thomas' face. Tears for him. Because he once again walked out that door leaving him behind like he was trash. Tears looking just like the ones visible in his eyes the day Jimmy had kicked him out of his room screaming in his face.
It doesn't take more than a split second for Thomas to register the presence of another person though looking straight at Jimmy. As their eyes meet Jimmy can see the flow of feelings going through Thomas from surprise to disbelief taken over by happiness and then the most blinding sorrow Jimmy has ever seen in his life. All that in a pair of piercing blue eyes slightly covered by ruffled raven black hair fallen out of place.
Thomas:
As Thomas hears the door open up he can still feel the tears in his eyes. He's not really sure what he expects at this time of night. The thought of it being Jimmy makes his heart pound faster him feeling the hope grow inside of him once more. As he turns to look the truth hits him like at hammer in the face. Jimmy. Looking the slightly smaller man at the other side of the room in the eyes he feels as if every feeling in his body is radiating out of him leaving him naked. Desperately he tries to keep it up.
"Forgot something?" he says before thinking more about it realizing those words could ruin their relationship for good which makes him feel even more broken. He can never truly keep a grudge against Jimmy. Not even now.
When Jimmy finally answers he can hear the surprise and insecurity in his voice. 'I.. I assumed I could enter.. Otherwise why have you left the door open?'
"You know why." Is the only words that comes to Thomas. The only ones he can speak. He doesn't have the heart to pronounce the three words that has been haunting him for so long.
When Thomas turns his head it's to see a totally frozen speechless Jimmy. Seeing him instantly makes the facade he automatically tried to set up crack him not able to keep it up in front of Jimmy making him speak. "I'm a broken man Jimmy. I don't know why I ever let myself believe that someone so beautiful could ever feel something for me. For that I am sorry. It doesn't seem like love is for me. You just have a way of confusing me. I can be so certain of something and then when I look into your eyes it all cracks." Thomas said looking away feeling the urge to smoke yet another cigarette as he always did when his emotions overwhelmed him.
Jimmy:
With those words everything inside Jimmy froze realizing the pain he was coursing the man in front of him. "Thomas... I'm sorry": was everything he could think of saying. He know he shouldn't move closer to the other man seeing how much pain he truly courses. He still does though moving towards the broken Thomas stopping half way there sitting down on his bed looking down on his hands. "I don't blame you for what you've done. Not a single part of it. I'm the idiot here. I was all along."
With those words Jimmy looks up at Thomas who returns his gaze. A gaze filled with pain. "Please don't give me false hopes Jimmy. Not now."
Jimmy keeps looking at him as he turns his head away to look out the window again. "I've tried. Really tried. To stop loving you. But every time I see you again all those feelings return and my heart pounds. I don't think I've ever been more happy than when I found you beside me here." Thomas said looking at something in the horizon for a second allowing a smile to reach his lips making Jimmy's heart beat faster than ever.
As Jimmy felt his heart beat fasten making him blush slightly he felt the nerves hitting him harder than ever before. This was now or never. "I'm not trying to create false hopes for you Thomas. I'm trying to say... that... that I've been a fool. I pushed you away back then. Not because the idea of you kissing me disgusted me. That was what I tried to tell myself. It was because I liked it. Because connecting with you felt like I never wanted to let go again. Because I was terrified of what it did to me." As he finished he looked down in shame. He had truly been an idiot. And he didn't deserve Thomas not even for one minute. "Thomas I know I don't deserve you. Your beautiful smile. Your handsome looks. Your calming voice. None of it. And I never will for treating you like air creeping into your bed like a coward. You told me once that you're a coward. Because of that wound on your hand. But you are not. Not even for one second. Cause you are so much braver than me. So much braver. And just for once I'm going to try to be as brave as you." With those words Jimmy walked over to the windowsill closing the space between them with a kiss.
Thomas:
The first split second Thomas just sits there frozen. Then he allows himself to let go kissing Jimmy back feeling his heart burst as Jimmy's lips touch his. All his resistance is vanished instantly. For a moment the kiss is all that connects them. Then Thomas allows himself to take his hand up to Jimmy's face cupping it. He can't help a smile escaping as they pull away from each other.
"Jimmy?" Is all Thomas can get past his lips. He can feel the hope inside burst up again with full strength after he has suppressed it for so long not daring to hope he would ever feel Jimmy kissing him. He really wanted to believe the words he had just heard. But he was scared.
"I... I wanted to ask you something." Jimmy says clearly nervous Thomas still touching him not being able to let go again after that kiss.
"Yes?" he asks feeling his hope rising ever more still being afraid that he would be disappointed. That this was some kind of goodbye. Some kind of speech to tell him that he didn't feel like he deserved to be with him.
"I want to know if you would be able to give me a chance." Jimmy said looking straight into Thomas eyes. "To give me a chance to be your man."
With those words Thomas could feel his heart skip a beat as the biggest smile of his life reached his lips. Jimmy continued: "I know I don't deserve that second chance Thomas. I do... But.. I love you."
Hearing that Thomas bend over kissing Jimmy again feeling him smile against his own lips. "You know I can't stay angry with you for long." Thomas said when they pulled away. "And I've been a fool too. Creeping up on you like that instead of confessing my feelings. I guess it's things from the past that still haunt me."
Jimmy looked at him with a concerned look wrapping his arms around Thomas. "I don't really know you that well do I Thomas. I really want to get to."
Thomas smiled. "You will if you stay."
"I will. I promise never to creep out of here again." Jimmy answered. "Now get over here in bed. I'm cold."
At that comment Thomas smiled more than he had done for a very long time. "Yes, sir."
As they lied down Thomas could feel his heart pound so much he thought it would explode. "I can't believe we're together. I keep thinking it's a dream."
Jimmy looks him in the eyes and smiles. "So do I. But the kisses in my dream never felt that good."
The END!