Ellie Nash sat in a very awkward manner in Ms. Sauve's office. The chair she was sitting in was somewhat lumpy and hard. The room was very dim. The light bulb looked like it might go out at any moment. Her office has such a weird fragrance to it. It's like a peachy aroma. She was waiting for Ms. Sauve to come back. Every Friday Ellie could be found sitting in Ms. Sauve's office for there meeting.
"Hello, Ellie. Do you have your story ready?" Ms. Sauve said briskly, entering the room and sitting down. She crossed her legs and gave Ellie a smile. It looked like a very forced smile and Ellie could not bring herself to return the smile.
Ellie looked down at the paper she was clenching in her hand. It had so much truth and reality that it frightened her. It scared her. The things on this paper she had never shared before. She had never told anyone just how she felt. Ellie was not the type to just tell someone exactly how she felt. Like with her clothing, Ellie wore a lot of layers
Ms. Sauve had been pressuring her for weeks to write this paper. "It will make you feel better to get your emotions out in the open," she had told Ellie.
So she wants to the truth ? Hell, I will give her the cold hard truth. I come here to get help not to listen to someone lecture about "getting my feelings and emotions out in the open". It will not change anything so I do not see why I have to keep discussing my feelings. It's not gong to fix my life. Feelings can not pay rent or make your mother sober.
"Ellie? Did you hear me?" Ms. Sauve's voice asked pulling Ellie out of her thoughts.
"Yes, I have the paper."
Ellie began to sob. She was not exactly sure why. Maybe because her emotions haunted her so much. Like a bad dream.
Ellie, without being asked, cleared her throat and began to read.
The Truth," Ellie said, her voice shaking. "By Ellie Nash"
"I think it's a joke to say that you love someone. Because , really, what love? Love cannot be defined. It's just some meaning people put on life. It's like a label you stick on a can. You label a relationship that really has no meaning. There is no Mr. Right or Prince in shining armor… there is no baby or even honey bee." Ellie let out another cry before she started reading again.
"Like others who live their life believing there is love I was just as blind and foolish. For me there is no love. If there was love I would not feel this way. I would not feel so desperate and lonely. I wouldn't cry myself to sleep at night. I wouldn't be so cold and heartless. My heart was bleeding and moaning with pain the day Sean left me. I haven't seen him since. He left me with so much anguish that I refuse to love again. I will not love again.
Ellie did not look up from her paper. She did not want to see Miss. Sauve's vague expression. She cleared her throat and began to read again.
"Love just hurts you. It blinds you from the truth and the rest of the world. Because of love you can't see things that you normally could. You don't see when the other person doesn't love you. Even if they promise they do. Because if he had cared about me… he wouldn't have left. Yeah, he needed to deal. But leaving me here in this hell hole wasn't right. . He left me here with nothing but memories of him. In those memories I drown with sorrow.
"I can't go back home… Not again. I tried that. I tried going back to dear old mom because she had "stopped" drinking. Whatever. Things were good for a while. I was foolish to ever believe that she had stopped. Yeah, her version of stopping is only getting drunk when Ellie is at school. One afternoon I caught her on the bathroom floor. A drink in her hand and her head in the toilet. Then all of the past memories of her drunk on the couch came roaring back to me. I had to get away. Away from her. I had to escape. When she is drunk she is not herself. She is mean and spiteful.
"So I'm back living by myself. I don't remember the last time I didn't have to worry about money. I would ask dear old mom for some but she needs it to buy more booze. She has to drink so much daily. So that's not happening."
Ellie wanted to stop reading. She sat quietly, looking down at the paper but not saying another word.
"Ellie, I know it's hard to say these things out loud. I think you need to though. If you can't carry on we can wait until next week to finish." Ms. Sauve's voice said in a very dry way.
Ellie sucked in a big breath of air and let it out. She felt dizzy sitting here. She felt like any second she might pass out.
Her hands held the paper tightly. Then she began to read again sobbing in between breathes of air.
"I can't seem to pay the bills. I barely make it by week to week. My only companion Bueller died. I have no one here to talk to or to cheer me up when I'm down. I go without food and sometimes it's so cold. I don't have a decent blanket.
"I'll get by, I keep telling myself, I can make it threw this. I eat at lunch sometimes when I can pay for it. I have gotten use to the hunger pangs and the constant growling of my stomach at night. Ashley and Marco stop by with something when they can. If I wasn't so depressed maybe I could enjoy my life. I wish I could be like them. I could go home everyday to a pleasant, clean house. Instead I come home to an empty place with no food in the fridge, bugs everywhere and often no water or lights.
"My clothes get filthy and sometimes I can't wash them. I just have to wear them dirty. I have to get other people to wash them for me.
"My cutting is becoming a habit again. I cut almost daily. It helps to release some of the agony in my life. When I sit there with tears flowing down my face and blood dripping down my arm… it some how makes me feel better. I cut and cut some more. Sometimes I cut so deep that it bleeds for hours. It gives me a kind of high. It's something I can't go without. It sounds awful to say this but I'm addicted to it. I don't think anything will ever change that. The bleeding releases my pain in a way that nothing else can. Hurting myself helps me feel better.
"Yes, I do go to group for cutting. Yes, I would like but I don't think that will ever happen.
"I wish I could stop it is the only thing in my life I can control. It's the only thing that I have for myself. No one can take away from me. I have had my boyfriend taken away, my sober mother, my house, my ferret, and my self esteem but no one can take cutting from me.
"I feel like I'm nothing. Nothing. My life and existents really doesn't matter. I'm not important. I'm not the head cheerleader or the really smart student. I'm Ellie Nash. A girl desperate for a little break. A girl who has to deal with so much that others can't even begin to imagine. I hate myself and my life. I hate the thing I have become.
"No one would believe these things just by looking at me or the way I act. I put on a cheerful face and pretend like things are okay. It's all just an act. Life is nothing but a desperate act. Some of us are better actors than others.
"I need help. I need something to take me out of this nightmare. I want to rewind everything to the way it use to be. I want to go back and get Sean to stay. Beg him. I know it's selfish but I wish there was some way I could go back and make someone else stop Rick. Yes, Sean was a hero but if he hadn't stopped Rick he wouldn't have left. What the hell am I saying? If Sean wouldn't have stopped Rick so many people would be dead. . I'm glad that he stopped him but I just wish he wouldn't have left."
Ellie felt very enraged as she sat there reading her story. She was angry at herself for being angry at Sean.
"Yes, I feel badly for saying that. All this is Rick's fault. He affected everyone at Degrassi. His shooting has caused others pain and grief that no one deserved. I do not deserve this pain.
"Sometimes I just breakdown and cry. I wish I had someone to hold me when I cry. I wish I could be a little kid again because when you are a little kid there is always someone there to hold you. There is always someone there to pick you up when you fall down. My life has spiraled out of control and there is absolutely nothing I can do to fix it. I can't just move on when I have so much "luggage" with me. I carry so much on my shoulders. I'm not an adult. I'm a child still and I deserve a happy life.
"I was happy when Sean was here. He was something I had that would make everything okay.
"I deserve a mother that doesn't drink and will be there when I need her. My mom has never been there for me. NEVER. I deserve Sean.
"The truth is nothing probably will change and I'll keep living my sad life day by day. Maybe one day I'll get a break. I will be able to enjoy life and not cut. Maybe the truth is that we are all lost and we all need help. Some of us more than others. .
"I need for everything to be okay again."
Ellie stood up and grabbed her books, then ran out of Miss's Sauve's office with tears streaming down her face.
She couldn't handle her own truth.