SCENE 11: Green Lantern Story Arc Generator
[Editor Al storms into the office of DC Comics' Chief Editor.]
EDITOR AL:
"Sir! It's urgent! Things have gotten even worse! The Green Lantern movie was total crap, and sales of Green Lantern Corps comic books are plummeting!"
CHIEF EDITOR:
[standing up like a shot] "Great Hera! We have no choice. We'll have to get the special DC Comics story arc generator! To the Batpoles!"
[The scene shifts - a la the 1960s Batman TV show - back to the Chief Editor's office. He and the editorial staff, bloodied and bruised, stand in a circle while Chief Editor triumphantly holds up a folder.]
CHIEF EDITOR:
"Well, it was horrific ordeal, and we lost a lot of good men. But, by Krypton, we've got it! [opens up folder] OK. Step one: Think of a noun...or adjective."
[They all pause and look at each other.]
EDITOR AL:
"Oh, crap."
EDITOR BOB:
"We're screwed!"
EDITOR CHUCK:
"This is impossible!"
EDITOR DAN:
"Game over, man! Game over!"
EDITOR ERIC:
[looking at his cup of cocoa] "Um, uh…marshmallow!"
[Chief Editor glares at Editor Eric.]
CHIEF EDITOR:
"'Marshmallow'? 'Marshmallow'? Are you trying to f**k with me? [brandishing knife from desk] Do I have to cut you again?"
EDITOR AL:
"No, wait! He's on to something! 'Marshmallow' is a noun!"
CHIEF EDITOR:
"By the moons of Oa, you're right! We're half-way there! Step two: Based on the noun or adjective you have chosen, create a power ring."
[Pause as they all look at each other.]
CHIEF EDITOR:
"So, it's the …"
EDITOR AL:
[uncertain] "Marshmallow Lantern…"
EDITOR BOB:
[surprised] "Corps, with…"
EVERYONE:
[inspired] "Marshmallow power rings!"
EDITOR CHUCK:
"That's it! We've saved DC Comics! Again!"
EDITOR DAN:
"It's a Christmas miracle!"
CHIEF EDITOR:
"So long as we still have nouns and adjectives, DC Comics will never run out of ideas!"
EVERYONE:
"Yay!"
CHIEF EDITOR:
"Oh, Eric…" [pats Editor Eric on back]
EDITOR ERIC:
[relieved] "Yeah, boss?"
CHIEF EDITOR:
"I'm still gonna cut ya…"
[END SCENE.]
SCENE 12: Batman & Captain America at the Batcave
[Cut to the Batcave, where Batman and Captain America are watching TV and drinking beers.]
CAPTAIN AMERICA:
"OK, your sidekick's trapped in a garbage compactor, your romantic interest is dangling above a pit of crocodiles, there's a bomb on the bus, and ninjas are in your hideout: What do you do?"
BATMAN:
"I would throw a gas bomb to cover my movements, use a Batarang to kill the lights, hide in the shadows, disguise myself as an eye-patch-wearing dock worker, plant suspicions among their allies, and then pretty much wait for Superman."
CAPTAIN AMERICA:
"Really?"
BATMAN:
"Yeah. [gesturing to himself] This all is just too d**n pretty to risk getting it messed up."
CAPTAIN AMERICA:
"We'll I'd just hit 'em in the face with one of these. [holds up shield] You want one?"
BATMAN:
"What, you don't need it?"
CAPTAIN AMERICA:
"No, I got tons of them. Army surplus."
BATMAN:
"Nice."
CAPTAIN AMERICA:
"Yeah, people think that the U.S. government is stupid enough to go through all the trouble to design this thing and then only make one of them. I mean, it's like if you had just one Batarang, how dumb would that be?"
BATMAN:
"You're telling me. I can't even keep a sidekick for more than two weeks. I might as well deputize my socks, they last longer."
CAPTAIN AMERICA:
"Exactly. It's not reasonable to expect me to hold on to just one of these things when I'm chucking it around all the time. Not to mention accidentally throwing it in the washing machine or leaving it on the bus."
BATMAN:
"For real. I can't tell you how many Batarangs I've had to turn over to airport security. [takes on a mocking tone] 'Well, sir, you can turn them over to our possession or you can go back to the terminal and mail them to yourself.' Right, I'm gonna get out of line, miss my flight, just so I can reveal my secret identity to a postal worker by asking them to mail two dozen Batarangs to the Batcave! Come on, TSA, you're not even trying!"
CAPTAIN AMERICA:
"Do you know what the shipping costs on one of these things is? One time I mailed a shield ahead to Stonehenge, because that's where some douche-bag druid was going to try to summon demons and bring about the end of the world."
BATMAN:
"Oh, Chr**t, druids."
CAPTAIN AMERICA:
"I know, f**king hippies."
BATMAN:
"Just drop the pentacle, take a shower, and get a girlfriend."
CAPTAIN AMERICA:
"Really. So, customs puts a 100% duty on it! I'm a government worker, how the f**k am I supposed to pay that?"
BATMAN:
"So, how did you defeat the druid?"
CAPTAIN AMERICA:
"Oh, I just stole his pentacle and hid it."
BATMAN:
"Where?"
CAPTAIN AMERICA:
"Under the soap."
BATMAN:
"Good thinking."
CAPTAIN AMERICA:
"Yeah, he never found it."
BATMAN:
"Speaking of which, you should consider something smaller, like a Batarang, that you can hide on your person and get it past security."
CAPTAIN AMERICA:
"Well, where do you hide it?"
BATMAN:
"It's none of your business."
CAPTAIN AMERICA:
[pause] "You put it in your butt, don't you?"
BATMAN:
"My Bat-butt, yes."
[END SCENE.]
SCENE 13: Spider-Man & Superman Mop Up
[Cut back to the scene of the battle between Spider-Man and Superman and Dr. Doom's minions. Spider-Man lands near a computer control terminal.]
SPIDER-MAN:
"And, now that Doom's minions are out of the way, let's see what we can do with this." [touches mouse at control terminal]
[Sirens go off all over the place.]
DR. DOOM:
"Oh no! Our combat has damaged the controls! The fusion reactor is heading for meltdown! If it explodes, it'll destroy half the planet!"
SPIDER-MAN:
"'Damaged the controls'? I barely even touched it! What are you running this on, Windows 98?"
SUPERMAN:
"Aw, look, he doesn't even have it plugged into a surge protector! I mean, come on, that's just irresponsible!"
DR. DOOM:
"It's not my fault! I couldn't get a ride down to the Best Buy!"
[Spider-Man and Superman look at Dr. Doom with obvious contempt.]
DR. DOOM:
[looks down at his feet in shame] "I know, I've let you all down again. I'm sorry."
[END SCENE.]
SCENE 14: Star Trek & Star Wars on the Holodeck
[Cut to Data and R2D2 on the holodeck. R2D2 is riding a sybian (inserted in his action figure hole) as Data stands athwart him with his pants down, thrusting his hips into R2D2's data port. In the background, any number of holodeck characters and creatures from the Dejarik holochess game are engaged in an orgy.]
DATA:
[yelling] "Today I am a human man!"
[END SCENE.]
SCENE 15: Comic Book Opera Reboot
[Superheroes and supervillains are on set, casually chatting together and drinking their morning coffee. Stage Manager and Script Writer enter.]
STAGE MANAGER:
[clapping hands together] "All right, people, gather around, we have a few announcements to make for the new season."
SCRIPT WRITER:
"Here's the basic rundown. Some of you will have your powers increased, and some will have them decreased. We're going to put you all in an apocalyptic scenario which will change you all forever, some of you will die, and then we'll change you all back to how you were before."
THE FLASH:
"Whoa, whoa, slow down, you're gonna kill some of us?"
STAGE MANAGER:
"Yes, but don't worry. Eventually, we'll reveal that it was an impostor who was killed, like a clone or a shape-shifting alien."
SCRIPT WRITER:
"Or we'll have you resurrected by science. Or magic."
STAGE MANAGER:
"Or love or some crap like that. The important thing is, if you're dead this season, you'll be back next season after the life-changing story arc that changes everything."
JEAN GREY:
"So, you're going to murder us just so you can resurrect us later?"
WONDER WOMAN:
"That's horrible! You can't just go around killing people off for dramatic effect and then bringing them back when you need them!"
HUMAN TORCH:
"Yeah, that would make us no better than some cheesy soap opera!"
STAGE MANAGER:
"Look, kids, that's exactly what you are: a cheesy soap opera. Just with superpowers and more violence."
SCRIPT WRITER:
"Look, we go through this cycle all the time. People get bored with you, so we change you forever. Then they get bored with that, so we change you back. OK?"
BATMAN:
"Hey, I'm not in this to entertain people, I'm in it to fight for justice!"
SPIDER-MAN:
"Me, too! And we don't wanna do this forever. Is this the season where we finally defeat evil once and for all?"
STAGE MANAGER:
[sighs] "Oh, for crying out loud, you never do! You never win, we'll always come up with some new villain you have to defeat or some new danger that you have to overcome!"
CAPTAIN AMERICA:
"This is unconscionable! These battles you keep throwing us into put people in danger! Innocent lives are at stake!"
SUPERMAN:
"Yeah, not to mention the effect on the economy! A lot of us have our pensions tied up in stocks! What do you think happens to the markets when you keep threatening to blow up the galaxy?"
CAPTAIN AMERICA:
[gives Superman an uncomfortable look, then turns to Stage Manager and Script Writer] "Look, if we have to keep doing this forever, then we should at least do it without all the senseless violence! We demand you put a stop to this!"
[Cut to wedding chapel. Superheroes and supervillains are in formalwear. Dr. Doom is with a buxom blonde.]
BATMAN:
"Doom, you thoughtless cad. How dare you show your face at Bethany and Carlton's wedding? You know she's never forgiven you for leaving her at the altar last year."
DR. DOOM:
"I have every right to be here. And I fully intend to sit up front with my new wife, Amanda [gestures to buxom blonde] so that everyone will talk about how incredibly awkward this is for all of you."
CAPTAIN AMERICA:
"Doom, I warn you, if you go through with this, I'll reveal to everyone your plan to, uh, embezzle Francesca's inheritance so you, uh, can buy the family business out from under Tristan, and, um [looks around, lost. Sees chair, picks it up and hits Dr. Doom with it] Oh my God, they're right, it is so much easier this way!"
DR. DOOM:
[lying on ground under broken chair] "Oh, sweet J**us that felt good!"
THE JOKER:
[brings out a baseball bat] "What do you say, Bats? Care to give it a whirl?"
BATMAN:
[taking a fighting stance] "It would be my pleasure."
[As they're about to fight, the sound of a door crashing open interrupts them. Cut to Superman, wearing an overcoat, standing at the top of the stairs leading down into the chapel.]
WEDDING CROWD:
[audible gasps] "Look! Up on the stairs! It's Superman!"
SUPERMAN:
"That's right! I survived the plane crash! And I'm claiming the inheritance! AND I'm carrying your baby!" [amid dramatic orchestra riff, he draws back coat to reveal baby bump]
DR. DOOM:
[standing up, brushing chair off his shirt] "Uh, we're actually not doing that anymore."
CAPTAIN AMERICA:
"Yeah, we've gone back to just beating the snot out of each other."
SUPERMAN:
"Oh."
[Superheroes and supervillains commence fighting in front of Superman, and some of the melee gets near him.]
SUPERMAN:
"Whoa, hey, guys, pregnant lady here, you wanna give my kid Down Syndrome or something? Move it along."
[The combatants move away from Superman.]
SUPERMAN:
[lights up a cigar, starts puffing away at it, and surveys the scene] "Where the heck is Luthor? I gots to tell him about mah bebe!"
[Cut to Lex Luthor hosting the Daytime Super-Villainy awards. He's wearing his Donald Trump combover, and is announcing an award.]
LEX LUTHOR:
"And the award for most enthusiastic evil minion goes to [opens envelope] Giant Robot who just got told to do stuff!"
[Giant Robot skips up onto stage, crying.]
GIANT JOKER:
[taking award from Luthor] "I'm so happy! You like me! You really, really like me!"
[END SCENE.]
SCENE 16: Wonder Woman VS She-Hulk
[Wonder Woman and She-Hulk start to disrobe at edge of Jello-filled swimming pool.]
ANNOUNCER:
"And now, the crossover you've all been waiting for! Wonder Woman VS She-Hulk in naked Jello wrestling!"
[Just before they show anything erogenous, cut to static. END SCENE. Cut to Robot Chicken ending credits.]
SCENE 17: Batman & Captain America Watching Wonder Woman VS She-Hulk
[Post credits, cut to the Batcave, where Captain America and Batman are still watching TV. The TV screen itself cannot be seen.]
ANNOUNCER:
[heard through Batmonitor speakers] "And now, the crossover you've all been waiting for! Wonder Woman VS She-Hulk in naked Jello wrestling!"
BATMAN:
[intrigued] "So, you guys have a green one, huh?"
CAPTAIN AMERICA:
[proudly] "Yup."
BATMAN:
[pause as he rubs chin ponderously] "I wonder if it tastes like mint."
CAPTAIN AMERICA:
[animated] "I know, right?"
[END SCENE. Stoopid Monkey.]
[FINI.]