The Very Secret Diary of Isabella Swan

Summary: Bella finally understands the kind of horror Edward is afraid she'll find in the world of vampires.

Warning: Some intense situations, really best if your at least a teenager

AN: I know the summary's a bit vague, Bella explains the situation herself rather elequently, so I'll allow her...

Please, enjoy...

day four, twilight

no one's here. or at least i can't hear anyone, which i guess isn't much of an indication, but i need to put something down on paper so that i don't go insane. more insane, i mean. said paper was left for me by my captors, so it's probably some sort of trap. i can't care, though. im tired of playing mind games. i gave them my surrender after the first night, the first incision, the first kiss. its not as if anyone thought i would do anything different. im only human. human weakness penetrates every shallow, whimpering breath. everyone expected me to crumble and crumble i have. how hurtful realization can be. so, if my captors intend to read this to themselves and have a good chuckle, then fine. at least someone will be enjoying themselves.

four days i've been here now. of course it feels like four millennia, but what can you do? i can count the days based on the tiny window at the top of my cage. i can't reach it to look out of, but i can tell when the sun is rising and setting.

i'm bleeding a lot. it helps to lay on the floor, because it's cold and numbs some of the pain. the crying hasn't stopped yet, but it's getting better. i don't think my captors intend to kill me, because, if they did, i would have been dinner by now. no, no, i'm not meant to be food. i'm meant to be a toy.

i can't pretend that it doesn't cut anymore. to see his face, hear his voice, feel his touch, and to know that he is going to hurt me--it's becoming more and more unbearable. but at least now i know it's not him. that was hard, the first few times, but i understand now. it's a trick, a special talent. i can see now why alec is so useful to the volturi. it's an incredible talent. i guess in life he was a good impersonator or something. maybe he was a stand up comic who did different voices and people were astonished at how much he sounded like other people. i don't know how old he is, but its probably older than i can easily comprehend.

the thing that's killing me though, is that i'm not alone. there's an old friend here; that's why alice hasn't seen me and my family hasn't burst in to rescue me. i think they lied to him. jacob wouldn't have done this to me if he'd known all the details. at least i hope he wouldn't. i haven't seen him since that first night, but i know he's close. i've heard him howl a few times. i hope they're not hurting him.

i don't know whether i should keep hoping that someone will find me. on the one hand, it seems like the right, healthy thing to do, in order to keep myself from falling apart completely. however, it is also the thing that makes my heart swell every time i see that beautiful face come swooping into my room, looking all concerned and worried, saying that he's been looking for me everywhere, and holding me close and kissing me gently, and promising that he's going to take me home, and that he loves me, and then he bites, and he stabs, and he pulls and rips and breaks. my stupid heart keeps thinking that one of these times, it's going to be him. really him. really edward. god, how i miss saying his name. i don't say it anymore when he comes in. i won't give alec any ammo. i just stay quiet, let him do what he wants, then i cry until i'm asleep--or, unconscious, at least.

it hurt the most when he raped me, which i guess isn't surprising. so, kudos, alec, that really sucked. top notch torture. really, top notch. that was the second night. he had said, 'bella, i love you so much. i can't wait any longer.' and i had tried to push him off. he didn't budge. and i cried and screamed. and i heard jake howl. and i screamed and cried. then he bit me. then i blacked out, i think. because the next morning i was alone.

carlisle's voice is at my, big, heavy, black door. i know it isn't him. he's asking very politely if he can come in. my god, it sounds just like him. i know it'll look just like him too. he was carlisle for a little while last night, too. he had needles. i'm sure he'll tackle alice and emmett and jasper and the rest of them. all in good time.

there's a gun in the corner of the room. it's fully loaded, safety off. they want to see if i'll use it. they want me to break. they want me to die, but they don't want to kill me. im a test, an experiment, a lab rat. maybe they plan to kill me when they get bored with me. maybe theyll make me one of them. aro seemed to show a distinct interest in that the last time i visited. but i havent seen any of aro or any other member of the volturi for that matter. i only know where i am because i could hear the friendly welcome, "welcome to the city of volterra." then the screams.

no more time to write now. carlisle's coming in.

AN: more chapters are ready. let me know if you'd like to see them!