Final Fantasy 8 meets Final Fantasy 7

by STOPREADINGMYTERRIBLEFANFICS

The saga continues, will the cast of Final Fantasy VIII ever get back to their world? And what's with those super-deformed polygonal people.......? NOTE: READ FF8 MEETS FF9 FIRST IF YOU HAVEN'T ALREADY! Thank you! ^_^

Disclaimer: I do not own Squaresoft or any aspect of Final Fantasy 7 and 8. No offense was geared toward Squaresoft in the making of this humor fic.

Other Stuff: Warning- some strong language, almost all people in this fic are out of character, but hey, isn't that what makes it funny? Mild Tifa/Rinoa bashing, and who can blame me for bashing Selphie and her endless stupidity? Don't get me wrong, I love every Final Fantasy game, I just wanted to do something lighthearted. This is just a warning for those who take things too seriously. Enjoy!

FINAL FANTASY VIII MEETS FINAL FANTSY VII

::Everyone is engulfed in a white light as they are transported home....::

All: ::pick themselves up from the ground::

Irvine: "Uh... this place looks a little TOO drab to be Balamb..."

Squall: "Yeah..."

::A woman in a... very, very tight white tank top runs by... and stops in front of Rinoa::

Rinoa: "I think someone forgot to get dressed this morning..."

Tifa: "Is this girl wearing enough clothes?"

Squall: ::Looks up at a sign that says 'MIDGAR' in big letters:: "Uh, guys, I think we're on the wrong planet..."

All: ::look up at Midgar sign::

Selphie: "MID... MID-GA... GAR? MIDGAR. What's a Midgar?"

Tifa: ::glares at Selphie::

Rinoa: "Um, excuse me, where are we?" ::noticing this girl before her is also... short::

Tifa: "Uh... Midgar... that's what the giant sign above your head says, isn't it?"

Zell: "Oooh, she's got you there, Rinoa!"

Rinoa: ::gives a look of death to Zell::

Selphie: "Uh, excuse me, but what happened to your fingers? I noticed you have none..."

Tifa: ::looks at hand with curious eyes...:: "Shut up."

Selphie: "Will do."

Tifa: "If you don't mind my asking, where are you guys from, and why are you all stretched out like that?"

Rinoa: "Um, because we're human."

Squall: ::to Rinoa:: "Calm down Rinoa... we don't want to start another..."

Tifa: "What's that supposed to mean? Just because we're not texture-mapped like you doesn't mean we're not human! At least my face doesn't get all pixely and distorted when we have close ups!"

Rinoa: "At least I have a nose!"

Irvine: "Where does it end?"

Tifa: "At least I have a fashion sense! What's with the spandex!?"

Quistis: "Haha, I always wondered that myself..."

Tifa: "Keep out you whore!"

Quistis: "E-excuse me?"

Rinoa: "Well look at you! It looks like a monkey dressed you!"

Quistis: "Did she just call me a whore?"

Rinoa: "And why do you have so many... pointed edges!? You're so polygonal!"

Cloud: "Hey Tifa."

Selphie: "AAH! Pointy!" ::to Irvine:: "He could KILL someone with that hair!"

Quistis: "I-I have been violated..."

Irvine: ::to Cloud:: "Wow, what kind of gel do you use?"

Cloud: "Oh it's just the Gold Saucer Brand, nothing much."

Quistis: "So much... hatred..."

Irvine: "Wow, I really should try that sometime..."

Rinoa: "EXCUSE ME? FIGHT HERE!"

All: "Oh right... yes... continue on...."

Tifa: "Thank you."

Quistis: "Does anyone care?"

Rinoa: "So, where were we?"

Tifa: "Pointy edges, polygonal..."

Rinoa: "Right. So what's the deal with you!? You can't just come here struttin' your stuff!"

Quistis: "I can't take that abuse..."

Tifa: "Excuse me, but you're the one that appeared from nowhere, and besides, just because I'm hotter..."

Squall: "Uh oh..."

Rinoa: "Oh, you're asking for it..."

Tifa: "What? What? I'm not afraid to 'strut my stuff!' I have stuff to strut!"

Zell: "Oh no..."

Quistis: "AAAAH!!!!!" ::jumps Tifa::

Tifa: "Oof!"

Rinoa: "I....HAVE....STUFF.....TO....STRUT....DON'T I SQUALL?"

Squall: "I... well... um.... how should I...?"

Rinoa: "AAAAAARGH!!!!!!" ::jumps Squall::

Zell: "This is getting out of hand!"

Red XIII: "What's all the comotion?"

Selphie: ::eyes grow WIDE with excitement as she brings her hands to her face, and screams with joy:: "MOOMBA!"

Red XIII: "Moomba?"

Selphie: "AAH!" ::chases Red XIII::

Red XIII: ::runs from Selphie:: "What is this Moomba you speak of!?"

Selphie: "I WANNA HUG YOU!"

Red XIII: "WAAAAH! I WANT MY BUGENHAGEN!"

Cloud: "We should go to the Gold Saucer sometime, you'd like it!"

Irvine: "Sounds like fun!"

Cloud: "Okay then, it's a date!"

Both: "............................................................"

Cloud: "So don't you wanna know how I can breathe without a nose?"

______________

Quistis: "Take that, slut!" ::punches Tifa in the face:: "Ha! And you call yourself a 'martial arts' expert!"

Tifa: "That's it! Battle/FMV mode!" ::Bright light surrounds Tifa as she grows 3 feet and actually looks normal::

Squall: ::pushing himself away from Rinoa:: "Wow... she IS hot..."
Rinoa: ::steam emerges from ears as her face becomes bright red:: "AAAAAAANNNNGELLLLOOOOOOO!!!!! RABIES OF THE HIDDEN MOON ATTACK!" ::her dog, Angelo, comes to the rescue and bites Squall in the leg, then runs away:: "Ha. Now you have rabies."

Squall: "So... cold...."

Rinoa: "Who's hot NOW? HAHAHAHA!"

Tifa: "Prepare to meet your doom, 'Instructor Trepe!' DOLPHIN BLOW!" ::dolphin falls from the sky as Quistis jumps out of the way, it lands on the ground::

Quistis: "Aw, how cute!" ::pets it::

Tifa: "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO ATTACK HER!"

Dolphin: ".............................."

________________

Selphie: "Come here! MOOMBA MOOMBA MOOOOOOMBAAAAAAA!!"

Red XIII: "Stop calling me Moomba!"

Selphie: "HAHAHA! I think I'll call you SHMORGENDORFER JUNIOR!"

Red XIII: "What are you talking about!?"

Selphie: "EEEHEEHEE! And look at your tail! Such a cute flame!"

Red XIII: "Hmmm... that gives me an idea." ::comes to a sudden halt as Selphie runs into the flame on the end of his tail... hoping she would become engulfed in flames, nothing happens:: "Why aren't you burning to a crisp?"

Selphie: "Heehee, you think I haven't accidentally BURNED myself before? Now ALL my clothes are flame retardant! Silly goose..... Now give me a big hug....." ::he slowly approaches Red XIII, anyone's nightmare::

Red XIII: ::cowers with fear::

Selphie: ::catches a glimpse of a biiig white... thing... in the corner of her eye, and looks over:: "......MARSHMALLOW CAT!"

Cait Sith: "??"

Selphie: "EEEEEEEEE!" ::chases Cait Sith::

Cait Sith: "Oh no! My circuits can't handle this!"

Selphie: "Come back here Mr. Marshmallow Cat sir!"

Red XIII: ::opens his eyes:: ".......whew."

___________________

Rinoa: "Squall... I really didn't mean to..."

Squall: "So... very cold..."

Rinoa: ::looks at Angelo:: "Bad Angelo. I told you not to listen to me when I'm being irrational. Bad bad Angelo."

Squall: ::starts foaming at the mouth::

Rinoa: "But you know you were asking for it."

Zell: "Rinoa! How can you be so careless?"

Angelo: ::to Zell:: "Grrrrrr......"

Zell: ::scratches back of neck:: "Uh... heh heh.... nevermind..."

Rinoa: "Here's the deal. I'll save your life if you say you're sorry."

Squall: ::gurgles::

Rinoa: "Aww... I love you too!" ::hugs Squall::

Zell: "Uh, he doesn't look to good..."

Squall: ::gurgles again::

Rinoa: "What are you trying to say? You want to marry me? Ok. I guess that makes up for it. I'll neutralize the disease. Esuna!" ::blue light surrounds Squall as he is healed::

Squall: "I didn't say I want to marry you! I was calling you a bitch!"

Rinoa: "Wh... what?"

Squall: "You could have killed me!"

Rinoa: ".........." ::extends arms:: "Hug?"

Squall: "I don't want to talk to you." ::walks away::

Rinoa: "Hmm..."

___________________

Quistis: "Tifa... it really doesn't matter if you're short, pointy, hardly wearing any clothes, or have a vulgar mouth. We can still be friends, right?"

Tifa: "Yeah. And it doesn't matter that you are ugly, weak, and lack professionalism, we can get along."

Quistis: "Heh, yeah..."

Both: ::stare at each other::

Quistis: ".................."

Tifa: "..................."

Quistis: "AAAAAAAH!" ::jumps on Tifa::

Tifa: "OOF!"

Quistis: ::punches Tifa:: "Take that bitch!"

_____________________

Cloud: "So you invented the internet?"

Irvine: "Yup, all me."

Cloud: "Wow... that's... amazing. It's hard to believe you did so much, between the lightbulb, the wheel, and even sliced bread!"

Irvine: "Heh... yup... I did all that..."

Cloud: "..............do you take me for an idiot?"

Irvine: "I was hoping you wouldn't ask that."

Cloud: "Seriously, what are you good at?"

Irvine: "Um........ well, mostly hitting on girls..."

Cloud: "When was the last time you had a girlfriend?"

Irvine: "..........................."

Cloud: "That's what I thought."

Irvine: "What about you? Did you ever do anything special?"

Cloud: "Well, I was in SOLDIER... kinda... I was Sephiroth's lackey... well... I wasn't even that really... I kinda didn't even have a face the entire time I was in SOLDIER..."

Irvine: "Wow. That's some accomplishment."

Cloud: "Shut up."

_______________________

Selphie: ::chasing Cait Sith:: "I WANNA HUG YOU!"

Cait Sith: "Huff... huff... I have a megaphone... huff.... and I'm not afraid to use it!"

Selphie: "THAT'S SO CUTE!"

Cait Sith: "That's it..." ::pushes red button on his right arm::

Speaker inside Cait Sith: "Self destruction in 5... 4..."

Selphie: "Come back here!"

Speaker inside Cait Sith: "3... 2... 1..."       ::KABOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!::

Selphie: "EEK!" ::Cait Sith pieces go flying everywhere:: "............................" ::BOOM! Cait Sith's head falls in front of Selphie:: "Eek!" ::stares at the head..... shrugs shoulders and walks off and walks into a girl:: "Oof!"

Yuffie: "Hey, watch it will ya!"

Selphie: ::examines Yuffie:: ".....hi! My name is Selphie! What's your name you short polygonal freak?"

Yuffie: "........The name's Yuffie."

Selphie: "Yuffie!? That's a zoobamafoozable name! Yuffie!"

Yuffie: "???" ::thins to herself:: "Hmm... it will be eeeeeasy to steal from her..." ::licks lips::

Selphie: ::prances in circles:: "Yuffie Yuffie Yuuuufiiiie!"

Yuffie: "Hey... do you by chance... have any materia?"

Selphie: "Ma... materium? No I don't have any materium. But I do have lots and lots of gil! Squall put me on gil watch today."
Yuffie: "Hmmm... maybe I'll be able to buy that "de-superdeform" materia I always wanted...." "Uh, do you mind if I look at it?" "Stupid! That will never work..."

Selphie: "Sure!" ::hands over a bag with a "G" on it to Yuffie::

Yuffie: "???" ::grabs bag and looks inside it... then closes it and looks up at Selphie with a smirk:: "........." ::runs away with bag::

Selphie: "Hey!........... Oh well!" ::prances away:: "Yuffie Yuffie Yuuuuuuuufiiiiiiie! Yuffie Yuffie..."

_________________

Squall: "What was I thinking? Why did I say that to her? I need to find a way to get her back..."

Aeris: "Um, excuse me, would you care to buy a flower?"
Squall: "Perfect!" "Um, yes, I'll take 20!"

Aeris: "...wow... that's a first..."

Squall: "What?"

Aeris: "Nothing!" ::pulls out 20 flowers and gives them to him::

Squall: "Thanks!"

Rinoa: "Squall? What are you doing?"

Squall: "These are for you." ::gives her flowers::

Rinoa: "For me!? Thank you Squall!" ::hugs him and walks off with flowers::

Squall: ::follows Rinoa::

Aeris: "Um, excuse me, that's 5000 gil."
Squall: "5000 gil?" "What a ripoff" "Okay... gotta find Selphie."

Selphie: "Yuffie! Yuffie!"

Squall: "Selphie! I need 5000 gil!"

Selphie: "Sorry Squall, the money's gone!" ::prances away::

Squall: "Hey, come back here!" ::starts to chase after her::

Aeris: "AHEM! That's 5000 gil!"

Squall: "Um, can you just excuse me while I..."

Aeris: "Do you have 5000 gil or not!?"

Squall: "Uh.... no."

Aeris: "I see... then you'll have to face the wrath of..... CHOCO/MOG!"

Squall: "Choco... what?"

Choco: "WARK!"

Squall: "Shit."

Choco: ::rams into Squall as large word 'KABOOM!' appears in a cloud of 2D smoke::

Squall: ::lies on ground as cute yellow stars hover above his head::

Aeris: "Think you can rip ME off. Hmph!" ::walks away::

_________________

Quistis: ::gets up from feet with a black eye:: "Okay... huff... we gotta stop doing this..."

Tifa: "You're right... huff... I mean... just because I'm about a million times hotter than you... huff..."

Quistis: "Okay... don't get angry... hold in your anger..."

Tifa: "And just because I can get a boyfriend just with the wink of an eye..."

Quistis: "No... no! Just ignore her!"

Tifa: "And just because I have this gorgeous wavy looong hair..."

Quistis: "Ugh..." ::twiches:: "Ah! ....The... UGH!" ::twitch::

Tifa: And JUST because you're a bitch doesn't mean we have to fight."

Quistis: "OH YES IT DOES!" ::jumps on Tifa::

_____________

Irvine: "Ya know something, Cloud? We have become really good friends in the short time we've had to know each other."

Cloud: "Well... not... really..."

Irvine: "I feel like we've really bonded, don't you?"

Cloud: "Well I kinda hate you..."

Irvine: "It's like... we just click... we can have intelligent conversations."

Cloud: "I think you're kinda... stupid..."

Irvine: "We should talk more often!"

Cloud: "Are you listening to me?"

Irvine: "............."

Cloud: "Um..."

Irvine: "Are we best friends?"

Cloud: "!!!" ::gets up:: "I'm outta here..." ::walks away::

Irvine: "Sigh... I'm a loooone gunman..."

Selphie: "Yuffie Yuffie Yuuuffiiiie... Oh hi Irvine!"

Irvine: "We gotta get out of here. This place is cold... and mean..."

Selphie: "I kinda like it..." ::images of Red XIII running away, Cait Sith blowing up and Yuffie running with Selphie's money flip through her mind:: "....Everyone here is so nice!"

Irvine: "Let's go find Squall." ::walks away::

Selphie: "Yuffie Yuffie Yuuuufiiiie!" ::prances away::

_____________

Irvine finds Squall lying on the ground

Irvine: "Hey, Squall! Get up!"

Squall: "Wha?" ::climbs to his feet:: "God... what happened?"

Irvine: "It looks like you were mugged or something..." ::looks at tracks in the ground:: "By a... chocobo?"

Squall: "Chocobos are scary..."

Irvine: "Tell me about it."

Squall: "Hey, do you know what a MOG is?"

Irvine: "Mog? Uh, no..."

Rinoa: ::runs to Squall:: "Oh, Squall, I just wanted to say thanks for the flowers!"

Squall: "Yeah, no problem..."

Rinoa: "Hey, look, chocobo tracks!" ::looks at Squall's forehead:: "Uh, Squall? Why do you have Chocobo tracks on your forehead?"

Squall: "Long story... where's Quistis?"

_____________

Quistis: "AAAAARGH!" ::bodyslams Tifa:: "Take THAT!"

Tifa: "Ugh!" ::crawls out of the way:: "That's it... you asked for it... it's time for 'FINAL HEAVEN!...'"

Squall: "Quistis!"

Tifa: "Huh?"

Quistis: ::swaying back and forth:: "Hi..... Squall........"

Irvine: "What are you doing? Why are you fighting the hot girl?"

Tifa: ::smirks:: "Hmph!"

Quistis: "............AAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!" ::attacks Irvine::

Irvine: "Hey, what did I say? Control your temper!"

Quistis: "I.......HAVE........NO.........TEMPER PROBLEM!!!"

Rinoa: "Hi Tifa!"

Tifa: "Hi Rinoa!"

Squall: "Well, they seem to be getting along fine...."

Zell: "Hi guys!"

Squall: "Where have you been?"
Zell: "I made a new friend! Say hi, Cid!"
Cid: "For the last time, kid, I'm not your friend!"

Zell: "Oh don't be silly."

Cid: "#&@!"

Squall: "So how can we get back?

Red XIII: "I know the answer..."

All: "AAH!"

Rinoa: "Where'd he come from!?"

Red XIII: "Bugenhagen holds the answer... he is a wise man."

Zell: ::to Squall:: "Remember the last time we trusted a 'wise man?'"

Red XIII: "He has the ability to bring you back."

Squall: "Well it's better than nothing, c'mon, let's go. Come on Quistis, Irvine!"

Quistis: ::climbs to her feet:: "I'll get you next time!"

Irvine: "Sheesh..."

All: ::walk with Red XIII to Bugenhagen::

_____________

Red XIII: "I'm back!"

Bugenhagen: "Welcome back Nanaki!"

Red XIII: "Come onnn... I told you not to call me that around other people......"

Bugenhagen: "Oh, sorry!"

Red XIII: "I have people who want to go back to their planet."

Bugenhagen: "I see! Well then, I have just the instrument for that! Ho ho ho!"

Zell: "Oh god, this guy sounds nuts..."

Irvine: "Is it just me, or does this guy have no legs?"

Bugenhagen: "Ho ho ho! Ho ho ho! Ho ho ho!"

Zell: "I'm scared... hold me Squall!"

Squall: "Get off me!"

Bugenhagen: "Simply jump in this transporter."

Rinoa: "Um, are you sure it's safe?"

Bugenhagen: "Well, it's either that, or the Mako Cannon! HO HO HOOO!!!"

Quistis: "I don't know what the heck that is, but it sounds scary..."

Squall: "We'll take the transporter."

Bugenhagen: "EXCELLENT! Ho ho HOOO! Okay, now you all must step inside..."

All: ::step inside::

Bugenhagen: "Now you must all recite: 'There's no place like home!' Ho ho ho..."

Zell: "There's no place like home! There's no place like home! There's no-"

Bugenhagen: "Take it easy, I'm joking. HO HO HO!"

Zell: ::blushes::

Bugenhagen: "I just push this button and voila!"

Quistis: "Thanks, Nanaki! Thanks for the help Bugenhagen!"

Rinoa: "Wait a minute.. Tifa called me a whore! Wait! Don't press the-!"

Bugenhagen: ::pushes button, cue the weird zappy Star Trekky sounds as they vanish into thin air:: ".........What a strange bunch of stretchy people..."

_____________

Edea: "La la la... time for me to get changed!" ::she starts undressing when all of a sudden the ff8 crew is zapped into Edea's bedroom:: "EEEEEK!"

Squall: "Oh god..."
Zell: "We're home!"

Edea: "GET OUT!"

Irvine: "Wow..."

Edea: "That's it! I'm going to become a sorceress again and KILL YOU ALL!"

Quistis: "Run!!!"

All: ::run out of room::

Squall: "Well, at least we're home!"

Rinoa: "Yes, but now Edea is a sorceress again! She could posess me! I'm... I'm so scared!"

Quistis: "Oh Rinoa, you worry too much!"

Rinoa: "But my life is in danger!"

Squall: "You're so silly!"

Everyone but Rinoa: "Ahahahaha!"

Rinoa: "But but but..."

Narrator: "And thus began an epic journey, called 'Final Fantasy 8.... part 2! But wait a minute......"

Squall: "Where's Selphie?"

_____________

Selphie: "Are you SURE you're not Mr. T?"

Barret: "Get away, foo! You startin to scare me!"

Selphie: "So Mr. T... what do you wanna do?"

Barret: "GO TO HELL!"

Selphie: "That won't be any fun! Heehee... you silly! C'mon, let's explore!"

Barret: "AAAAARRGH!!!!!!!!"

THE END