Hi readers!
This is the third in a sequel of Bella and Jasper stories. Please read 'Journey to my soul's other self' and then 'My soul's shadow self', before reading this story, otherwise it might not make sense.

This story needs a tissue warning , it is based on real events in my life.

I recommend readers who have been affected by the whole area of grief surrounding miscarriage, still birth, and difficult pregnancies, might need to seek a shoulder to cry on, or a counselor to talk to about it. I still grieve for my miscarried twin, twenty two years later.

I'll post this chapter, even though I'm not sure about the story's ending yet. This work is un-beta'd. I'd love to read your feedback.

Disclaimer: Ms Stephanie Meyer owns Twilight.

Seasons of the Soul.

Chapter 1. A time to be born, a time to die.

Light rest, no heavy lifting.

This is the way it's supposed to be for me until Junior arrives. I'm not supposed to be doing very much of anything, strenuous or otherwise. Even hanging out the sheets and towels is deemed too much for me.

I need to get them dry and it's getting so annoying having to ask someone else to help me, especially when I know they are all so busy doing so much for me already.

Heck, I'll just quickly get them out of the washing machine and take them outside, it's so lovely and sunny, there's a nice breeze blowing, they'll be dry in no time at all.

I wish I could move more comfortably,

I wish I wasn't all swollen like the Michelin man, a big blimp, an enormous whale.

I wish I wasn't supposed to be resting twenty four, seven.

I really think my brain is going to shrivel up from lack of use, I miss working.

I wish I didn't need to go to the loo every two minutes, it's ridiculous.

I know the doctor read me the riot act, about staying still, resting in bed, but I'm so uncomfortable and bored.

Bored, bored...bored.

It's even been hard to read all the books I'd like, because my eyesight is weird and I get terrible headaches.

I've got another fifteen weeks until Junior is due; I'm only twenty-five weeks pregnant!

God only knows what I'll look and feel like if I get to full term!

But if things don't go well, I might have to be induced early or have a Caesarean to get him out.

I'm hoping he'll stay for another couple of months at least, and then he'll be a bit more developed.

I want his little lungs to work properly and his little body as strong as possible.

I'll just get this washing out, before Jasper notices.

I don't want to bother him; he is worrying a lot, and has been doing too much, not sleeping properly.

He's been having nightmares about the terrible house fire of his childhood.

He must be really stressed, he only has nightmares when he's not coping with things.

He's got circles under his eyes, poor darlin'.

Mmm it's really nice outside, the sky is so blue today and there some swallowtail butterflies dancing in the air around me... Pretty blue...ahhh...

My head!...I wish my eyes weren't so blurry...oh no I dropped the washing basket!...

Oh, god, ...that pain in my tummy...I'm gonna be sick...Ughh.. Oh no...I'm seeing stars and ... is that blood?...BLOOD!

Where am I?

Oh god I feel awful, what's that beeping sound?

Everything's white...so bright.

My mouth is dry and I'm having trouble opening my eyes...

"Bella? Are you awake baby?"

"Ugh", I try to open my eyes, Jasper's trying to speak to me.

I feel his hand holding mine I feel strange, it looks like a hospital

I squeeze his hand, I'm so weak... and he comes right up close to my face and kisses me .

"Oh baby swan, things are... Things are"... He starts to cry and leans his head on my shoulder and howls.

"Jasper, honey... Don't cry sweetie." I manage to croak.

I'm so thirsty.

He holds me tighter and cries harder. His tears are soaking into my hospital gown.

I start crying too. I guess something bad happened to Junior.

"Jasper did Junior...?"

Before I could say any more Jasper looks up and shakes his head slowly.

"Junior didn't make it Bella. The"...he sighed and closed his eyes.

"Bella, Junior died suddenly, the placenta came away, and there was no oxygen, he died and ...and ...then...you nearly bled to death. I nearly lost you both."

I had tears streaming down my face and I held his hand tighter.

"Oh god. Poor little Junior... Poor little guy didn't even have a chance did he?"

"No darlin' he didn't."

"But I'm here...I love you Jasper, and don't you forget it!" I didn't want Jasper hurting, I had to help him. I looked at him closer, he started speaking again.

"Oh baby, I wasn't sure if I'd ever survive without you! I love you you're my life...I'm so glad you're awake. They had to do an emergency caesarean and you'd had become unconscious due to the very high blood pressure... it wasn't certain if you'd even survive the heavy blood loss... or if you'd be able to function properly if you made it through... they were worried about your brain having a stroke."

"Well, I always was a little bit wacky, now you'll just have to see if I'm any worse than normal! Can you give me a little drink of water, I'm so thirsty..." I can't get my head around what Jasper just said...is that why I'm here cracking jokes...?

"Mrs Whitlock, ma'am," a nurse bustled in checking my various things attached to me, wires and tubes and drips all over the place.

She smiled and patted my hand.

"Ma'am, I was wondering if you'd feel like sitting up and maybe trying to let me freshen you up with a little sponge bath? I know it's not nice when you first come out of surgery, but it looks like your doing fine, the doctor will be here. And there's also a special little baby, I was wondering if you'd like to see him and give him a cuddle?"

I felt a little shocked and stunned... Junior...my little guy...

Baby Whitlock... I took a deep breath looked over to Jasper and he looked at me

Jasper squeezed my hand and I took a deep breath.

Jasper kissed my hand, "I was able to hold him while you were in surgery. He's so little. They just couldn't get to him in time Bella... I'll help you to say goodbye and give him some hugs and kisses...would you like that darlin'? He's so tiny, the poor little guy."

Tears streamed down my face, they wouldn't stop.

I nodded, yeah, my little guy.

The nurse helped my into a more comfortable sitting position, and propped me up on more pillows. She got a stack of hot, moist towels and gave me a gentle clean, she was very sweet. I got into a new, clean nightie and Jasper brushed my hair. It did make me feel a lot more refreshed.

"Ok, you're all ready? We can give you as long as you need to say goodbye,There's a hospital chaplain here waiting, if you'd like to talk about your sad loss, or anything else, ok?"

I just looked at Jasper and sniffed. The tears wouldn't stop.

He held me more easily now. He sat on the bed beside me and put his arm around my shoulders. We kissed both crying, and then put our foreheads together. Breathing and not wanting to take our eyes off each other.

The nurse came in with our little baby. He was all wrapped snugly in a white cotton bunny rug. He looked like he was just sleeping.

So tiny, so sweet.

His head was small and his hands and face were perfectly formed.

So, so small and delicate.

"Have you got your phone Jasper? We should take so photos to remember him. Maybe we can make an album for him. He's really beautiful, isn't he? He's perfect."

"Yeah he is, he really, really is. He's our little champ."

"I was wondering, do you like the name George?"

"Yeah, I guess, why?"

"Well he kind of looks like a George... And I also like to think he might be named in honour of your baby sister Georgia. What do you think Jasper?"

"George Whitlock...that's a nice strong name. Yeah, I like it."

"I bet he would've loved fishing with Charlie." I looked down at him and gently pulled his hand out of the blanket.

"And swimming in the river with me, Pete and his cousin Max".

"Yeah, Max will be sad he was looking forward to playing with his new little cousin."

"Liam would have loved to build Lego castles and spaceships with him, and take him for long rides on Daisy's back."

"We'll just have to try again, maybe get lucky", I felt a ray of hope.

Maybe the next time might not be so bad.

Jasper's face dropped. He looked like he was in severe pain. Tears welled up in his eyes again.

"What is it Jasper, are you ok hon?"

Jasper shook his head. He took a few deep breaths.

"Babe, it's like this...you were bleeding out so heavily, haemorrhaging so bad,... that during the caesarean, they ended up having to give you an emergency hysterectomy... You nearly didn't make it. They have had to give you so much blood and you weren't clotting..."

Jasper couldn't speak any more, he was pale and in anguish.

"I'm sorry hon, I'm so sorry... there won't be any babies, unless we adopt or something... Little George is our one and only baby Whitlock."

I looked down at my sweet baby, lying in my arms.

So tiny and perfect.

Little George Whitlock.

I cried and pulled him closer to my chest.

My tummy was heavily bandaged.

Things were beeping and tubes and wires were starting to annoy me and feel horrible...

I felt horrible...disgusted with myself for being stupid and selfish, assuming that I could just hang out the washing...

Why oh why, didn't I just lie in bed and listen to the doctor's advice?

Maybe George would have had a chance if it wasn't for me, trying to do stuff.

No more babies...no more...none...all gone...gone.

I leaned into Jasper and cried into his shoulder, he pulled me closer and we both wept.

The doctor told us the same thing that we already knew.

Due to my sudden and severe escalating symptoms of toxemia; the placenta abrupted; pulling away from my uterus wall.

Causing little George to die from oxygen starvation and me to bleed so heavily, that I would have most certainly died, if it wasn't for the emergency surgery.

The only way to save me was an emergency hysterectomy, meaning that I wouldn't be able to bear children.

He was sorry for the loss of my ability to carry children.

The only small bright side was they hadn't removed my ovaries, so I wouldn't be going into early menopause. (Well that's one thing to be thankful for I guess.)

I was going to be able to make a good recovery, but I was going to have to stay in hospital for a week, as I needed to regain my strength and stabilize my blood count.

While I was in hospital I needed to get as much rest as possible and eat well, even if I didn't feel like it.

The doctor said that I should expect a huge emotional reaction to what had happened...and he strongly advised both Jasper and I take the assistance provided; like talking to the social worker, grief counsellor and the chaplain's services which were available at the hospital.

He also handed us a heap of pamphlets on grief, help and support available in the community and a list of organizations that were available on-line or by phone.

He said that it might take some time to sink in, and there would probably be many questions we'd have about what happened.

He said he would be checking on me later in the day, and then the following days, up until I was released.

He wanted me to write things down as they came up, so I could get as many answers to my questions as possible.

He said he'd try his hardest to answer, but sometimes, it wasn't possible to know everything.

He knew I'd been healthy before the pregnancy. I hadn't been in an at-risk category, until I had started getting elevated blood pressure a few weeks ago, when I went in for my check-up appointment.

Toxemia and pre-eclampsia are common, but extremely serious, and are the cause of many still births and maternal deaths around the world.

He said that even though it probably didn't feel like it, it was a good thing I'd been able to get to hospital quickly, and that they'd been able to save me. Otherwise, Jasper would have been arranging two funerals, rather than one.

The doctor sighed and looked a little teary. He patted my arm and said, "My wife and I had a similar situation to yours, and we lost our twins at thirty weeks, they both died a week after being born... It took a big toll on both of us emotionally. I didn't know how to cope with it, and my wife felt isolated. It tore us apart for a long time. I strongly recommend that you take up all the offers of support you can get, and make sure you use it. You both deserve to come out of this trauma together, as a team, not as two broken individuals...does that make sense?"

Jasper and I looked at each other and then back at the doctor.

I was still holding George.

"Work together, find a way to grieve and support each other through this. Make George's life mean something. Think of a way you can celebrate his small life, and move forward...I have to rush off, but remember above all else... Keep talking to each other!"

He rushed out the door and onto his next patient.

We took some photos of George.

We got his tiny hands and feet inked and printed on some plain white card.

We snipped a little bit of his hair and put it in a small plastic bag.

I tried to make a joke about George being too young to have his fingerprints taken.

Jasper huffed and shook his head.

The nurse took a heap of photos with the three of us all together.

The chaplain was very kind.

She told us of the shock and raw emotions which we should expect to suddenly boil up and overwhelm us...she asked if we wanted a service in the chapel for George. And if we needed help organizing a funeral at home in Taos.

I asked Jasper what he thought about a funeral, he looked like he was breaking in two.

"Something small and peaceful; something for those around us, like Pete, Char, Charlie, Sue, Seth and Leah would be nice don't you think?... Oh and Mrs Cope's been busting to come into the room and give you a hug, by the way. And then there are all the people at the catering business..." Jasper sounded exhausted.

"Yeah I like small and peaceful too Jasper... Just like George small and peaceful... I'm gonna ask Nan and Esme to watch over him, and Marcus to help him through his journey on the other side. I know they'll be there holding him and loving him, like they did for us when they were alive...don't you think?"

Tears sprang up running down both our faces, and we held onto that knowledge, that George would be in good loving hands and always watched over.

We stroked his tiny face and kissed his tiny fuzzy head.

Sweet baby George.

Our son, our special boy.

"Jasper, do you want to bring Mrs Cope in, so she can see George?"

"Yeah, Shelly Cope and Sue can't wait to see you. Charlie is gonna need some special handling; he's gone very quiet, well quieter than normal. Are you feeling up to them coming in, do you want them all at once?"

It made me realize that I had people waiting for me, people who cared and were worried. Jasper must have been dealing with them all on his own, while I was in surgery.

"Maybe a quick visit with each of them separately. Dad and Sue first though; it sounds as if he's gonna need some TLC. I don't want him to have a heart attack from the stress. Shelley can come in after that, she'll hopefully understand."

Please give me some feedback. I really appreciate it!