How to love.
You had a lot of crooks trying to steal your heart.
Never really had luck, couldn't never figure it out.
How to love. How to love.
He'd never remember me from the past. We worked in the same place but we never met. He was one of the dancers while I was the guy who would inherit the place some day. I looked on as he danced below for all the men and women who heard about his talent. I came here every Saturday just to see him dance. It was exhilarating in the least. He was a white whirlwind of passion and grace. The way he swayed and moved on the floor had everyone dazed, and he knew it. The cocky smirk on his lips and the way he walked said it all. Oh yea. He knew what he could do. I saw him every day but he never saw me. The red-head he was with chased anything alive and willing yet still they were together. The guy was making out with a blonde in a dark corner. Away from his young eyes. My cousin looked down at the couple with disdain. Apparently the red-head found a new toy while his boyfriend was backstage. They were making out with no shame what-so-ever. The teen deserved someone better than that.
My cousin pulled me up and dragged me backstage. She always tried but I always refused. Really what could go wrong this time? 'Everything,' a small voice in my head said. I shook it off and watch as the whitette and my cousin hugged and gushed. "Ooh Lenalee, it's gorgeous!" the teen said looking at the necklace round her neck.
"Thanks Allen, you're such a sweetheart. Kanda gave it to me for my birthday," Lenalee said flattered. Allen rocked back on his heels a bit and looked like he was in deep thought.
"Your cousin?" he asked after a few seconds.
"Yes," Lenalee said beaming. She jerked a finger in my direction and I looked at the boy. Up close when he wasn't moving around much I could see a tattoo over his left eye and that he was wearing grey gloves that went perfectly with his two-toned grey long-sleeved V-neck, grey skinny jeans and grey converse. He smiled alot and was quite slim.
"Hi," he said extending an arm. I shook his hand and stepped back.
"Your hair is really pretty," Allen commented longingly. He had white hair that touched his shoulders in some places.
"Thanks," I mumbled my bangs thankfully hiding my blush. He pushed some hair out of his face and checked the time.
"It was nice to meet you Kanda, but I have to go now. Lavi would be pissed if I'm late," he said scratching the back of his neck. He waved goodbye and left. 'Somehow I don't think Lavi would care if he was late. Did Allen even now what he was doing? Hardly.' The stupid Moyashi wouldn't even know.
You had a lot of moments that didn't last forever.
Now you in a corner trying to put it together.
How to love. How to love
How did I let Lenalee talk me into going over to Allen's house I can't remember but I didn't want to either. I was in his living room looking at him as he and a couple men talked. There was alot of flirting but Allen didn't seem to notice it. He just laughed and thanked them for their complements. He was really naive. Lavi came in the room his hair sticking up in all directions and strolled over to the Moyashi and slung and arm over his thin shoulders. A breathless brown-haired *trick stauntered into the room and winked at Lavi when they thought nobody saw. I saw and even though he would brush it off, I knew Allen saw it too.
Allen came to sit next to me after everyone but Lenalee and I left. He smiled and we talked about anything and everything. When we were about to leave he whispered in my ear, "Did you see them?" I saw the tears in his eyes and lying would only make it hurt more so I nodded and he sighed.
"Thanks," he said. "For once someone doesn't care about my feelings and just tell me what I want to hear point-blank." he continued smiling up at me.
"I tell it like I see it, Moyashi," I told him turning to leave.
"Bye!" He called putting on that fake smile I knew all too well. As soon as the door closed he'd break down in tears. I willed my feet to move, to walk to my car and to drive home and not think about him. I don't know how I managed that but I did. I went home and fell asleep as my head hit the pillow. He was the only thing on my mind as I slept. He didn't deserve what Lavi was doing. He deserved better. He deserved someone who cared who thought about him and only want to see him smile. Someone like... me.
Now you over there, it's hard not to stare
The way you moving your body like you
Never had a love. Never had a love.
He sat there, hand on his propped up knee, head bobbing to what he was listening to on his iPod. He looked so innocent and childlike. He fended off the flirting of the guys and girls he danced with a wave of his hand or a few polite words. Glaring at the horizon he pointed at the yellow buds in his ears to let the blonde boy in that polite way of his to leave. I had had enough of his nonsense. I took a seat next to him on the polished floor of the dance studio and stared outside too. "Pretty, isn't it?" he said softly. I nodded.
"Sometimes I like to look out at the world around me and let myself forget all that I'm dealing with," he breathed looking at me. Those endless silver orbs piercing my very soul. I stared back at him, not sure what to say or what to do. Allen looked away, eyes brimming with water. "What did I do, Kanda? Why wasn't I good enough for him? What did I miss? What did she have that I don't? I just don't understand why he left me for her. On our anniversary too!" he screamed, tears falling, eyes wide and ready to murder Lavi and his new toy. The one he left Allen for.
"I don't know, Moyashi. Sometimes you just have to let things go. He isn't worth your tears, your love. He never was. He never will be, open your heart and forgive him for his mistake, learn how to love someone else," I told him quietly. He threw himself on me, sobbing into my blue tee-shirt. I held him and allowed him to cry, allowed him to grieve for his failed relationship. He was after all only nineteen.
I looked down at him as he curled into my lap and sniffled. "Your hair's really pretty, Kanda," he said looking up and staring longingly at my hair. I took the hair-tie out of my hair and let it fall around my shoulders. I nodded and he knotted his fingers in my ebony locks and played with it.
"What were you listening to?" I asked curiously.
He giggled and said, "Shake Senora. I'm dancing that on Saturday."
I 'Che'd' and we fell into a comfortable silence. "How does it feel to be a dancer that knows what he does to a crowd of people, gay, bi and straight?" I asked trying to lighten the mood. He looked out the large window and scratched his chin.
"It feels good. To know that you're so good you arouse emotions in everyone. The believers and the non-believers, the ones who said you'd never make it and the ones who cheered you on since you were a kid, the ones who only tried to bring you down and the ones who used you. It feels damn good, actually," he said smiling at me; a genuine smile. He wrapped his slim arms around my waist and put his head on my chest.
"Did you like Japan?" he asked casually. No way! He remembered?
"Yes," I said looking straight ahead.
He made an approving sound. "Why did you come back then?" he asked innocently.
"I was asked to come back. To run the club and to follow in my father's footsteps," I said quietly.
"You left for six years, Kanda; I had to learn for myself. Grow up and not know anything. I blamed myself for you leaving. I thought I drove you away. Lavi found me at my darkest hour and was at my side for the past four years. When he broke up with me I was devastated, I thought I made you both hated me so much you had to leave me," Allen sobbed soiling my near-dry shirt.
"I went to study Moyashi, didn't they tell you that? I would've come back anyway. I never left you. You were my best friend, someone who saw the best in me, I'd never leave you alone," I tried to console him, "I thought you didn't remember me," I whispered.
"Why would you think that?" Allen questioned.
"I thought you didn't recognise me. The first time we met a couple months ago you had to think of my name," I said sadly.
"That was a planned meeting. Lenalee arranged the whole thing. It was an act. I'd never forget your face, no matter how hot you get," He replied laughing. I knotted my hand in his hair and sighed. He'd never change. He'd never forget...
When you was just a young'un growing up your looks but so precious
But now you grown up, so fly it's like a blessing
But you can't have a man look at you for five seconds
Without you being insecure.
You never credit yourself so when you got older
It seems like you came back ten times over
Now you sitting here in this damn corner
Looking through all your thoughts and looking over your shoulder.
I was furious. Allen was hugging a black haired guy who, according to Lenalee, had his eyes on Allen since he was with Lavi. Now Allen was single so he jumped him the second he was free and done grieving and now they were together. They were a nice couple and the guy obviously treated Allen like a King because he was that important.
"Debitto, would you mind getting me a bottle of water?" Allen asked sweetly, his eyes bright and full of life.
"Sure babe. Be right back," he said running off to get the water.
"Honestly where did you find that guy?" I asked jerking my thumb in Debitto's direction. I had to hand it to Allen; he had a knack for picking them.
"Leave him alone, BaKanda! He's sweet and caring and honest and loyal and kind and his hair is so soft," Allen swooned staring after his boyfriend.
I sighed and rubbed my temple, "You just described my dog, Music," I said leaning my cheek against my fist.
"Awww, how is she? Is she still short and white and fluffy?" He asked leaning over the table.
"No, she sprouted three more legs, is black now because dye fell on her and Lenalee and I were drunk one night so we shaved her and super-glued platform sandals to her paws. Of course she's still the same. I only got her last year. Besides you saw her last week," I said annoyed. The Moyashi could be really annoying at times. His boyfriend came back and they weren't big fans of PDA but anyone with eyes could see that they obviously cared deeply about each other. I looked anywhere but at them. It was too much.
"Maybe you caught the train just like you said you did. Maybe it broke down but you didn't give up. Maybe you got pinned dow—" "Hello?" I answered my phone. Jeez. I was not about to give Kallie my phone again in a hurry.
"I think you need to sound a bit happier to hear your girlfriend's voice," she said in her adorable sing-song voice. I could practically hear her twirling her hair around her finger.
"I think you need to stop sucking twenty lollipops every day, but you don't hear me telling you that all the time," I replied pinching the bridge of my nose. Allen and Debitto snickered behind their hands like a couple of girls.
"I don't suck that many, babe. Maybe about fifteen but at least I'm addicted to that and not weed," she said giggling.
"Whatever you say. What do you want?" I asked annoyed. I liked Kallie but sometimes she was just too much.
"You coming over later right?" she asked in that cute voice she used when she really wanted me to do something. In this case, sleep over.
"Yea, I'm coming over in a bit," I told her softening my tone. She got me, and when I found out she was moving to California, I was really happy. She made me laugh, and she made me wonder but I didn't love her. The way I loved Allen, but he was with Debitto and he looked so happy. How could I tell him that I wanted him when he had someone? They needed to break it off on their own. That way it won't be my fault and no one would get hurt too bad.
"Yay! Bye!" she answered sounding super happy before hanging up.
"I have to go," I told the happy couple.
"Bye, Kanda. Tell Kallie hi for me willya?" Allen said waving as I got up, strapped on my lime green messenger bag and left them.
Kallie was a nice distraction. A distraction because I couldn't stand to be around him and not be able to call him mine. He was never mine, he was Debitto's now and that was a fact I couldn't accept because it hurt too much. It hurt to look at them be happy together. At least Debitto cared and would never cheat on him. I realised now that me leaving for so long changed him. He forgot how to be compassionate and how to actually care. I saw right through his act and he knew it. He knew that I knew that the 'twinkle' in his eyes was fake that he forgot how to be Allen Walker when I left. Allen forgot how to love when I left and for that I would never forgive myself. I was the only reason he was who he was; a shell of the former Allen Walker.
See you had a lot of crooks trying to steal your heart.
Never really had luck, couldn't never figure it out.
How to love. How to love.
He smiled so brightly, laughing as he played with the little white ball of fur. I allowed the faintest hint of a smile play across my face as I watched him. Kallie sat in my lap laughing too. What was so funny? I can't remember nor do I want too. I just wanted to commit his smiling face to memory because this was the only way I wanted to remember him. You know in case something happened. Looking at him I remembered when we were kids. He was always the small one. The sick one, the one everybody loved the one I wanted to protect.
"I think I'm in love," Allen swooned. I blinked a couple of times. The kid was only nineteen. What did he know about love?
"With who?" I asked just a little breathless.
"Jacob Latimore!" he grinned and I looked at him like he sprouted another arm through his stomach.
'Moyashi, really," I said just a tad bit relieved Debitto's name hadn't tumbled from that sinful mouth of his.
"Yes! Jeez he is like a dancing God and I wouldn't mind meeting him. I always want to learn new things," he said leaning back and falling over on the pewter-coloured carpet in my living room.
"Well, we'll just have to find him. Won't we, Allen-chan?" Kallie said hopping off my leg and leaning over a beaming Allen. He nodded and sat up. Jeez the two of them were scarily alike.
They were like twins. The way Kallie's wavy chestnut hair fell over her shoulders it was the same colour as Allen's hair when he was a kid. Allen had a sister but when his parents got divorced they split everything. Even their two children. So they grew apart and never knew each other. Not that Allen minded, he didn't care he had his friends. Kallie had a younger brother named Cameron. I didn't really know him but he did look like Allen just with green eyes and was tall. Kallie's green-grey eyes sparkled and she and Allen started dancing to 'Nothing on Me' and I was mesmerised by their moves. (Go watch that vid now!)
"Left, left, turn around pick it up slide, to the right. Go down now back up to the right, What's wrong, Kanda can't keep up?" Allen mouthed the steps of the dance as he did them slowly first with Kallie and with repetition picked up his pace.
"I'm not doing that," I said walking to the kitchen. I heard them going over those steps you'd think were such simple steps and it would be easy right? Those words were deceiving because you had to twist and turn and do it really quickly because that part should only take about ten seconds and Allen could do it in that amount of time but he was in 'Dance Instructor' mode so he had to slow down. Yes I knew the song and was familiar with the video so I knew that dance and yes I could do it.
Kallie left and it was only the two of us in my apartment. Music, my dog, had decided that she had graced us with her presence for too long and left. "I always thought you were gay but I see you with Kallie and it's like it was meant to be, ya know," Allen said looking straight ahead at the wall.
"Well Kallie's interesting and there's nobody I want that's available that is a guy sooo... Kallie seems right I guess," I said sitting next to him not looking at him at all.
"Who do you want?" H e asked looking at me. I looked down at my blue jeans and avoided his eyes.
"It doesn't matter because they're not into me," I say still looking down.
"How do you know that that person isn't into you?" Allen asked quietly.
"I just do. I just know that he doesn't feel the same way and I think he just wants to be friends so I'll keep it like that. I couldn't bear to lose yo- I mean him," I say looking up. His eyes were soft and round and full of interest.
We were just looking at each other and next thing you know his lips are on mine, his body up against mine and I'm enjoying every second of it. Before I can do something stupid, rationality steps in and I remember that black hair dope that he's with. I push him away and say, you're in a relationship," I said annoyed.
He pushed some hair away from his face and said, "We broke up last week. I came over to tell you but I was having so much fun with Kallie that I just forgot and shouldn't I being saying that to you?"
"We know we weren't meant for each other. Kallie's like that, she understand," I told him leaning in. He moved away and after an awkward silence he mumbled something about having to go find Timcampy and left.
"Idiot. You should've gone with it," I told myself touching my lips.
You had a lot of moments that didn't last forever
Now you're in this corner tryna put it together
How to love, How to love
Kallie understood why we broke up and I was happy we were able to remain friends because she was like a sister to me and I needed her in my life. Things weren't as awkward as I had expected them to be between us and I was glad for that. Kallie and Debitto got together and it seemed like Allen was avoiding me. I hadn't seen him in over a week and I was a bit scared. What had happened to the kid?
These thoughts were racing through my mind when the door to my apartment open and a small frame entered and sat next to me on the couch. "I missed you," he said quietly. I looked at him and noticed that he looked way skinny.
"Don't you eat, Allen?" I asked concern laced with my words. He stared up at me an d parted his lips but no words came out.
"I eat when I can," he said shifting uncomfortably in his seat.
"That's not healthy; oh I sent you a text. Didn't you get it?" I asked hoping that he'd just kiss me.
"I got all of them but there was nothing for me to write that you would understand via text-message,' Allen said turning to look at me. "I've been thinking to and I came to the conclusion that I don't want to break you and Kallie up so I understand and I'll survive," he continued looking down. I tilted his chin up and looked him in the eye. Kallie was never mine. Besides she's happier with Debitto anyway," I said before kissing him, putting my feeling and everything in me into that one kiss. He responded fully and I was happy. This is how it should be the world was finally making sense. Kallie and Debitto were a nice couple, Lenalee and that Portuguese guy and Lavi chasing anything alive and willing and of course Allen and I making out on the couch in my living room. Yeah the world was good. I realised that in life we needed to make mistakes in order to grow. We needed to laugh alot, get wasted, fall in and out of love, cry every now and then but mostly we needed to forgive and really and truly How to Love.
XxXxXxXxXxXxX
I love this song so much and when I heard it I was like 'this song is speaking to me, I need to write a story for it. I didn't do that whole song but still I think it came out good. tell me what you think please (puppy eyes and a tray of cookies in my hand for the reviewers) drop and review and tell me if it was good or bad please.