Summary: AU. Castiel takes it because he's always had to. If Dean's happy, Castiel misses a visit to hospital, but both Dean and Castiel know that this can't go on anymore. Warnings in A/N. Please R&R!

Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural or its characters.

A/N: Alright, an abusive!Dean/hurt!Cas fic, because I felt like writing a bit of angst. As for warnings, we're looking at violence and themes concerning eating disorders.

Hope you enjoy and please let me know if you'd like me to continue this.

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This Love is Killing Me

-Chapter One: Castiel's Pain-

"Good boy, Cas..." Dean breathed, holding Castiel's hair as the younger man sucked his erection expertly.

Castiel knew just how Dean liked it and dear God, was he doing a fine job today. But Castiel felt physically sick right now; simply because, one, he was being used, and two, he'd been ill all day, but Dean didn't seem to care. Dean rarely seemed to care, especially when he came home after a round at the Roadhouse.

"Oh, yes...God..." Dean moaned, "Fuck...m'gonna come soon, Cas..."

Castiel kept working his tongue and lips and Dean pushed him away, bringing him closer to kiss him. Castiel accepted the kiss and melted into Dean as always, straddling his lap and feeling lube coated fingers running down his back. He braced himself for the pain and took it like a man, just biting his lip and breathing quietly but deeply. Dean began to work Castiel open, the younger man writhing in his lap as he did.

"Dean..." He breathed, "Please...need you...need you, Dean..."

Dean grinned and pushed inside Castiel's body, the younger man wincing before settling around Dean's length, moving his body slowly up and down. Dean gripped at his sides and Castiel winced at the strength of the hold, gasping as Dean flipped them over and began to move against Castiel, leaning into his neck and biting it, hard. Their fingers locked before Dean pinned Castiel's hands above his head, moving down to hold his wrists with a bruising grip.

"Oh, God..." Dean moaned, "Cas...fuck..."

He began to pound into his lover, Castiel just turning his face away and watching the wall as Dean let go, filling him with his warmth before just pulling out and settling by Castiel's side, the younger man still incredibly hard.

"Love you." Dean breathed, kissing Castiel's cheek, "Night, babe."

"Love you too..." Castiel said weakly, "Night, Dean."

Castiel waited until his lover fell asleep before he slid out of bed and headed for the shower, finishing himself off before breaking into tears and almost collapsing as he did. This life was hurting him. This pain was torturing him. This love was killing him, and he knew that he'd have to stand up for himself sooner or later. But what was the point? Dean would only beat him harder and harder until he couldn't stand back up again. If Castiel fought back, he'd be leaving the house in a body bag. Dean wanted to adopt a baby. No way. No chance in Hell. Until they sorted themselves out, there would be no children being brought into that house.

People always told Castiel that he loved Dean way too much for what he did to him. But they only saw the occasional putdown, and how sometimes Castiel would get walked all over. They didn't see the beating, or the way Dean treated him in bed. They didn't see the slave-driving or witness the shouting matches they had when Dean was drunk. Ever since Dean lost his mother, he just seemed to get worse, and worse, and worse.

Castiel's brothers Gabriel and Lucifer were the only ones who knew of the beating other than Dean's brother Sam. Dean's father John had no idea. Castiel's older brother Michael and sister Anna didn't know either. If they did, Dean would be the one who would be in hospital, not Castiel as usual. Yes, Castiel sometimes got such a bad beating, he ended up spending the night in hospital. Dean once thought he'd killed him, yet still the beatings continued if he didn't get his own way.

Castiel worked from home, so he never had to go out of the house unless it was for groceries or new clothes. He never had to face co-workers which he was relieved about, especially after a beating. Dean's fists felt like they were made of steel, and good God, could Castiel feel it when he got a punch or a kick from his lover. Dean had once stuck Castiel's head in the refrigerator and slammed the door on it, which earned Castiel a few stitches down at the hospital.

There came times when Castiel didn't know if he could deal with this anymore, with living with this animal who was supposed to love him, to protect him and to care for him.

But as Castiel cried in the shower, Dean rolled over and listened. He listened to the heartbreaking sobs and the desperation in them, and something inside him twisted at the memories of what he'd done to that beautiful man in the past; the same man who was now crying his eyes out in the bathroom. Because of Dean. Dean hurt Castiel in ways that he couldn't understand, that he couldn't comprehend and good God, he felt guilty for what he did. He wished he had some control over it. He needed help, and he knew he did. Castiel always forgave him after a beating. He always said it was okay if Dean cried about it and apologised, he always promised Dean that it was alright and that he still loved him. Dean didn't deserve Castiel's love, he thought, after what he'd done to him.

He wanted to just go in there and wrap his arms around the gorgeous man he'd spent most of his life trying to be with, but he didn't deserve to. Damn, he'd even left the poor guy hard after they'd just 'made love'. He only thought of himself and not about Castiel, who did so much for him, who provided the most money in the house and who cooked and cleaned for Dean, who would give Dean a back rub if he'd got a twinge from a hard day at work, who'd sit and listen to all of Dean's problems when there were a thousand and one going off in his own head.

Dean Winchester was supposed to be gentle and caring with Castiel Novak, as he'd promised, not to hurt him and torture him the way he did. He couldn't believe what a bastard he was to the poor guy and it pained him even more when he thought about how Castiel couldn't even defend himself, wouldn't defend himself like he was too afraid to. He was scared of saying 'no' to Dean. He was scared of making Dean angry, of upsetting him and earning a trip to hospital.

As the bathroom door opened, Dean closed his eyes, pretending to be asleep while Castiel slid back into bed beside him as gently as possible, leaning over to kiss his cheek and stroke his face, so lightly as though he was scared of waking him.

"I love you." He whispered, "I just wish that I could help you...that I could stop you hurting me. I wish I knew why I made you so angry so I could stop it and stop upsetting you..."

Great, now the poor son of a bitch was blaming himself.

"I wish you could change so we could be how we used to when we were seventeen..." Castiel breathed, clearly in tears before leaning down and kissing Dean's cheek gently, "I love you, baby..."

With that he rolled away from Dean, curling up and settling to try and sleep. Dean turned over, opening his eyes as tears streamed down his face.

Things had to change, and they had to change as soon as possible.

-TBC-

A little shorter than normal, I know, but I just wanted to give you an insight into what happens with Castiel and Dean in the opening chapter.

Hope you enjoyed!

Thanks for reading!

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