Disclaimer: Me not own
A/N: This idea was spawned while watching the 2009 movie in the car while this song was on the radio. My mind is a dangerous place. And if your confused about the bit about Harry, well, I think he might be the Devil. It makes sense if you think about it.
One fine afternoon in, I don't know, let's say autumn,Dorian Gray was leaving his house. He slept late that day because he stayed up all night getting his sexy on in some opium den. Really, the only things he could remember were lots of breasts, a green dragon who claimed to King Henry IV, and Agatha riding a unicorn all through the east end. Though those last two things might have been imagined in a drug induced haze.
After stopping to smoke a few cigarettes and give half the women in London false hope, he went to see his best friend in the whole wide world, Harry. But when he got there, he received some disappointing news.
"Sorry, old boy," Harry said while twirling his mustache and sharpening his trident, "but I'm just too busy today. First I have to make some contracts, then I have to make some poor children orphans, spread a plague in Chile, cause a war, convince a little boy to pull his sister's hair, and finally conceive a daughter who the whole fanbase will come to hate one day."
Dorian, who had been busy looking at his reflection in a shiny table, went "Sorry, did you say something?"
"I said I can't hang out with you today. Why don't you go see Basil? He's always up for company. Well, up for your company anyway. And by company, I mean ass," Harry replied while rubbing some dirt off his hoof.
Dorian beamed at this suggestion. "Oh yes, I can see Basil. We're great friends! Great Just Friends."
"Yes, he'd like to be great friends with your ass," Harry mumbled while Dorian skipped out the door.
After gaining cab fair by taking off his shirt, he made his way to Basil's house. He knocked on the front door twice, but nobody came to answer it. "Basil, are you in there? It's me, Dorian 'I'm-too-sexy-for-my-shirt-and-I-just-proved-it-five-minutes-ago' Gray. Come on, are you mad at me because I have more fans? If you are, I'm sorry for bringing sexy back."
Upon further inspection, he realized that the door was unlocked. So he just let himself in.
"Hm, something must be wrong with Basil's walls," he mused, "They're covered with pictures of me. I must be sure to loan him some money for new wallpaper. I suppose the phrase 'starving artist' isn't an exaggeration, after all." He wandered upstairs to see if he could find his reclusive artist friend there. Suddenly, he began to hear what sounded like singing. He listened to find the source of it, and decided it was coming from the room to his left. What he saw gave his poor immortal Adonis self a shock.
The room was in a state of disarray. The curtains were on the floor, there were empty wine bottles scattered about, there were old paintings of relatives on the walls that had his face painted over theirs, and for some odd reason there was a komodo dragon in the corner. Basil himself was a sight to behold. He was wearing high-heeled shoes, black pants, a red and blue striped waistcoat(no shirt underneath), and what appeared to be one of Sibyl's old dresses as a bandana. He was on top of a table singing a most peculiar song at the top of his lungs, "All the single ladies, all the single ladies, now put your hands up!" He threw his arms up in the air while he sang.
"Basil, are you quite alright?," Dorian asked, an adorable confused expression coming across his face.
Basil continued to sing. "Up in the club, we just broke up, I'm doing my own little thing. Decided to dip, and now you wanna trip, because another brother noticed me."
"Basil, what exactly did you do last? There are lot's of bottles everywhere...And I thought you didn't like to go to the club." Dorian began to check the bottles to see if there was anything left in them.
"I'm up on him, he up on me-"
"No, seriously, what did you do last night? And who with? Was it Alan?"
"Don't pay him any attention, just cried my tears for three good years, ya can't be mad at me!"
"Three years? Why, that's how long we've known each other! What have you been sad about, Basil?"
"If you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it!"
"Are you talking about Sybil now? Don't you mock me! I was going to 'put a ring on it' until Harry showed me how fun a life of sin and debauchery can be. Isn't he the greatest?"
"I got gloss on my lips, a man on my hips, got me tighter in my Dereon jeans!"
"Where is this club that you're talking about? It sounds like my kind of place!"
"Acting up, drink in my cup, I could care less what you think!"
"That's the spirit! Have you finally decided to listen to Harry?"
"I need no permission,did I mention, don't pay him any attention! 'Cause you had your turn, and now you're gonna learn what it really feels like to miss me!"
"Well good, because I can honestly say that I haven't missed you at all. Been busy with the drugs and the whores, you know."
"'Cause if you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it!"
"Stop mocking me!"
"Don't be mad once you see that he want it!"
"I've had just about everyone in England by now. No reason for me to be mad."
"Don't treat me to the things of the world-"
"Then what's with all these bottles?"
"I'm not that kind of girl!"
"You're a girl, Basil? If I had known that I would have sexed you up by now!"
"You're love is what I prefer, what I deserve!"
"Pfft, that's what they all say."
"Here's a man that makes me, then takes me and delivers me to infinity and beyond!"
"Well, I have been known to do that..."
"Pull me into your arms, say I'm the one you own-'
"You're a very lonely man, Basil. Oh, sorry, you're a very lonely woman, Basil."
"If you don't, you'll be alone, and like a ghost, I'll be gone!"
"Everyone in the world wants in my pants. I'm never alone. And believe me, you're not that important."
"All the single ladies, now put your hands up!"
"There are no 'single ladies' in here, dear chap. If there were, my radar would have gone off."
Eventually, Basil passed out on the floor from exhaustion. Dorian took this opportunity to draw a mustache and beard on his face. He then went to perform a strip tease for Basil's servants before going to sleep. He decided to sleep naked in Basil's bed, because that's what good friends do(or so Harry told him). When he woke up, he dressed in Basil's best suit, drank all of his alcohol, and spent his daily twenty minutes looking in the mirror. He then went to go look for Basil, who was just then waking up.
"Good Lord, what happened?," he exclaimed as he looked around the room.
"The funniest thing ever," Dorian replied.
"Dorian! How long have you been here? Oh God, you saw all those pictures of you, didn't you?"
"I've been here since last night, and don't worry! I've personally picked out and purchased some new wallpaper for you. I know how hard these times are. Well, except for me. Everything is going great for me," he finished thoughtfully.
"Uh, that's very, um, thoughtful of you, Dorian," Basil stammered, "So, what exactly happened last night?"
"You became intoxicated and sang a very odd song about single ladies and dancing with other men at clubs. That reminds me, I need to go tell everyone about it! Ta-ta!," he said as he ran out the door.
Basil only stared after him for a long moment.
"Wait, where did this dress come from?"
A/N: I...I really don't know what to say about this. Just make sure to leave a review. I live for feed back!