Mario's Unfortunate Life: Episode 1 Script
Scene 1:
Setting: Mushroom Kingdom Back Alleys
Mario: I think this is the place
(Mario jumps into pipe)
Mario: Uh... Hello?
Bowser: Bwahaha! Looking to score some drugs?
Mario: Yes.
Bowser: Oh... well, that'll be ten coins please.
Mario: Okey dokey. But show me the stuff first.
(Cuts to shot of a mushroom)
Mario: Oh yeah!
(Mario and Bowser exchange mushroom and coins)
Bowser: Have a nice day, come again!
(Mario jumps off arena)
Scene 2:
Setting:Peach's Castle
Mario: I'm baaaaack!
(No response)
Mario: Peach?
(Mario walks up to Peach's room)
Mario: Hello?
Peach: I found out about your little drug problem! I'm leaving you!
Mario: Peach, wait!
(Mario enters room, only to find it empty)
Mario: Oh no, she must've escaped through the back exit!
(Cuts to outside of castle, Peach is in a kart)
Peach: Goodbye and good riddance.
(Peach drives off and crashes in water)
Mario: She never was a good driver. Well, I guess there's only one thing I can do now.
(Cuts to Mario in Snowman room)
Mario: Get high!
(Mario pulls out mushroom)
Luigi: Wait, Mario, don't you think there's a better solution to this?
Mario: You're right Luigi, there is! How could I have been so foolish?
Luigi: It's good you've seen the error of your ways.
(Luigi leaves room)
Mario: Well, I guess the only thing I can do now is pick myself up and...
Scene 3:
Setting: Courtyard
Mario: Commit suicide. Well, here goes!
Yoshi: Mario, nooo!
(Mario jumps off of castle)
(Mario lands in backyard, dies)
(Pause, then respawns)
Mario: What the? God damn 1-ups!
Boomer: Why hello there.
Mario: Ah! You scared me.
Boomer: Whatcha doing there?
Mario: Killing myself.
Boomer: Oh... that's cool.
Mario: Yep.
Boomer: What for?
Mario: the love of my life left me.
Boomer: How unfortunate. Say, you sound like the perfect emo hopeless loser for a new realuty show. Care to be this week's bachelor?
Mario: Well, I got nothing else to lose.
Boomer: Great! Just meet me at this address at 3 tomorrow. You've got talent! I see it in you, kid!
Mario: Riiiiight.
Scene 4:
Setting: Dating show set
(Mario walks into boo hallway)
Boomer: Mario! You've arrived!
Mario: Yes, yes, I'm here.
Boomer: Alright, just go out there and be yourself.
(Shows Mario to stage)
Host: Hello there viewers, and welcome to the first episode of the reality dating show, Shroom of Love. Today's bachelor is a 30 year old plumber from the Mushroom Kingdom. Please put your hands together for Mario!
(Applause)
Mario: Hi
Host: And now, to meet our lovely ladies for Mario to choose. Lovely Lady 1! Meet Daisy. She spends her free time turning into flies, and enjoys watching paint dry. Now for lovely lady number 2! Bertha! She enjoys long rolls on the beach and sushi. And finally, lovely lady 3.
(Cuts to Luigi-Peach from Superstar Saga)
Mario: Peach?
(Luigi uncovers face and laughs)
Mario: Awwww...
Host: Now Mario, pick the wonderful lady, hwo you'll take on a luxurios date to the five-star resteraunt, McDonalds!
Mario: Uhhhhhh... I guess I choose... Bertha?
Host: What do you say Bertha? Wanna join Mario for a date.
Bertha: Hell no. He's not my type. This isn't what I signed up for.
Host: Well, it seems like not even a beached whale would love Mario, and he's destine to be forever alone. Well, that's all for this episode of Shroom of love, join us next week for our next bachelor, Waluigi!
Mario: Fu-
(Cuts to credits)