Title: Committed

Author: CSIBuckeye

Rating: M

Pairing: GSR

Spoilers: Post ep for "Committed"

Disclaimer: Don't own the characters, just borrowing for fun

Note: My first attempt at fanfic, please read and review. Thanks to Rhiannon for the beta.

It was still raining when Sara pulled up in front of her apartment building. It fit her mood. She walked slowly to the door, not caring how wet she was getting in the process. Her mind was replaying the events of the last few days in an endless loop.

The mental hospital…

The inmates…

Adam Trent…

She unlocked the door and relocked it behind her, throwing her work stuff onto the couch. She wanted nothing more than to scrub away the memories in a scalding hot shower.

As she stripped off her clothes and started the water, she replayed the scene again for the umpteenth time: turning around inside the cramped nurse's station to find Adam Trent locking the door behind him, him, asking her if she was a "spiritual person", she, unsuccessfully trying to stab him with a syringe. Then they were on the floor and he had a shiv pressed to her neck. She had been afraid at different times in her life, but she had never been as terrified as she was at that moment. And then she locked eyes with Grissom.

He never took his eyes off hers as he begged the security guard, "Open the door. Just open the door. Please open the door." All she could think of was that this could be the last time she ever saw him. She realized now that she was more afraid of that than she was of dying right then.

It ended quickly as Adam turned the weapon on himself and she broke free. She sprinted out the door and down the hall. After a brief hesitation Grissom followed her. She wanted nothing more than for him to envelope her in his strong arms and just hold her close. But of course he didn't, or couldn't, or wouldn't do that. He simply offered her an out…to be replaced on the case. Of all people, he should know, she would never quit on a case, no matter what.

She let the hot water wash all around her as she continued to think.

Grissom sat in his office and replayed the events of the last few days. He couldn't stop seeing the fear in Sara's eyes as she looked up at him from the floor at the hospital. He heard his own voice pleading for the door to be opened. He felt helpless and useless and scared. Not at all the way he was used to feeling. He prided himself on keeping his emotions in check. He prided himself on being efficient and prudent and private. Private or closed off? He wasn't sure.

He thought again of Sara's eyes begging him to help her, and he couldn't. Begging him to love her, and he wouldn't. He went to her as she fled the scene, to make sure she was OK and yet again proceeded to say everything wrong. She needed him; he could see it, but even then… even after almost watching her die, he still couldn't reach out to her. He wasn't even sure he knew how anymore.

He tried to stop her as she left work tonight, to see how she was doing, but she blew him off with a curt "I'm fine" and stormed out.

He thought of how he felt watching Adam Trent threaten her. He was angry with himself for leaving her alone, angry with Adam for touching her. He was … scared, but for Sara or for himself? Both he decided. In that split second when he thought he might lose her forever, he realized how much he would miss her. How empty his life would be without her. How much she truly meant to him and how stupid he had been about…everything.

He had always been drawn to Sara in a way he had never been to another. Since the first time he saw her bright eager eyes look up at him at the seminar in San Francisco. It was instantaneous and electric. And it scared the hell out of him. His life was so elaborately neat and protected. His work was everything. Anything else just had the potential to mess up his work. Yet he had brought her to Vegas himself! But that's what she did to him. She made him do things that were so…un Grissom-like.

He thought back to the Marlin case. She had looked so much like Sara that it had knocked the wind right out of his sails. He obsessed over that case as he never had before or since, and he knew it was because of Sara. Again it had been the thought of losing her that wormed its way into every moment. He had even confessed some of his own feelings to Dr. Lurie, identifying with him in a way that still disturbed his sleep. Jealous almost of the decision Lurie had been able to make that he, himself could not, to open up to love, and pain and potential loss.

What if she had been killed that night? Would he be satisfied with the decisions he had made? Or would he regret them for the rest of his life? He put his head in his hands and closed his eyes.

He looked up a little while later in response to a knock on his door. Catherine stood in the doorway.

"You look like you just lost your best friend" she said.

"Thanks" he replied sarcastically.

"I heard about what happened. Is Sara OK?" she pressed.

"She says she is. She might be…but I'm not so sure about myself" he sighed.

Catherine closed the door and walked over to sit down on the edge of his desk.

"Wanna talk about it?" she offered.

"No"

"Gee, how did I know?" She hesitated and then went on "Gil…you know I've tried to stay out of your personal life, or lack thereof, but…I know you care about Sara, and I know this had to affect you too. If neither one of you can take care of yourselves, maybe you can take care of each other. Why don't you go talk to her?" she said softly.

"How do you know she'd even want to talk to me?" he replied.

"Trust me on that one" she said with a chuckle.

"I wouldn't know what to say. I'm not good at this stuff Catherine"

"Gil, she's not a student. You don't have to prepare a lecture. Just tell her how you feel" Catherine sighed.

"If I only knew myself" he whispered quietly

"You know Gil. You've always known, you've just never been ready to admit it to yourself or take the risks associated with it. Are you ready now?" she asked with a hint of a dare to her voice

Sara was just stepping out of the shower when she heard a soft knock on the door. Throwing on her robe and wrapping a towel around her head, she ran to the peephole. She could not have been more surprised at the bright blue eyes that looked back at her. She opened the door to find Grissom standing there with a bag of groceries in his hand.

"Thought you could use a little breakfast" he said with a shy smile

She stared back at him in total bewilderment. He had only been to apartment once before…when she had almost been fired for telling Ecklie off and mouthing off to Catherine. He had been a real friend that day. Listening to her sordid past and actually reaching out to hold her hand as she cried. She hated crying, it made her feel weak. But he hadn't made her uncomfortable as she had cried that day. She thought of it often.

"Sara?"

"I'm sorry, come in" she stammered

"Did I interrupt your shower?" he asked, trying not to think about the fact that she was probably naked under her robe.

"No, I had just finished" she answered.

"Good. I wasn't sure what you'd like so I brought an assortment. We have the makings for buckwheat pancakes, veggie omelets, skillet potatoes and fruit salad. What sounds good?" he said lightly.

"It all sounds good, but you mean you can actually make all those things?" she questioned jokingly.

He raised an eyebrow smugly saying "You doubt me?"

She laughed in spite of herself. "Of course not. No. Never."

"That's what I thought. Now what'll it be?" he said with a wink.

"How about omelets, potatoes and fruit salad?" she answered with a grin.

"OK, great."

As he started to unpack the bag she asked "Can I help?"

"I don't know…can you?" he replied with a twinkle in his eye.

"Touché. Do you want me to get the fruit salad together?" she offered.

"Sure. I brought some different things so put whatever you like in it. I like everything."

She looked through the bag of strawberries, blueberries, bananas, apples, pineapple, peaches and melon. She picked some and added some from her own refrigerator. Grissom began chopping veggies for the omelets. His back was to her as he worked and she studied him openly. He was still wearing his work clothes, so he must have gone straight to the grocery after work. A kitchen towel was draped over one shoulder. He looked totally at ease and sexy as hell. She watched him for a few more minutes and then finally asked "Grissom, what are you doing here?"

"What?" he questioned innocently.

"What are you doing here?" she repeated.

He gestured around him at the makings of the breakfast they had started.

"No, why are you really here?" she pushed.

"I wanted to make sure you were OK" he said softly.

"You saw me before I left work. I told you I was fine then."

"I wanted to make sure you were OK both physically AND emotionally" he said uncertainly.

"I see" she said angrily "afraid I'm about to go off the deep end again?"

"No Sara, not at all." Once again, this was not going the way he had envisioned it. Now she was mad at him. "I just thought you might want to talk about what happened. That's all. I want to be here for you when you need me" he said softly.

She cocked her head. This was all wrong. The Gil Grissom she knew would never seek out an opportunity for soul bearing. He had gone back to chopping vegetables and she once again stared at his back. Whatever the pretense, she had to admit that she loved seeing him standing in her kitchen looking completely at home. She found it difficult to keep her mind on the fruit salad. He surprised her when he spoke first.

"I'm sorry" he whispered

"For what?" she asked keeping her eyes on him.

"For everything" he went on.

Everything? What was that supposed to mean? "What?" she asked again unsurely.

She saw his shoulders sag as he stopped tearing the spinach and let out a sigh.

"I'm sorry for bringing you to Vegas and then pushing you away. I'm sorry for leading you on one minute and refusing your advances the next. I'm sorry for allowing you to be placed in a dangerous situation tonight and then not being able to save you. I'm sorry I always say the wrong things whenever you need me. I'm so sorry." he gushed.

The words had poured out of him so quickly he hadn't had time to think about what he was saying. He just said what was in his heart, brimming over. He felt, rather than saw, that she had moved around the breakfast bar and now stood impossibly close at his left side. He felt his breathing quicken at her proximity.

"Why are you telling me all this now?" she asked

"Because I was so afraid tonight" he replied still looking down at the counter.

"Afraid of what?" she whispered

He swallowed hard. "Afraid that I was going to lose you forever. Or worse, that I'd lost you a long time ago and that I'd never get the chance to…" he hesitated.

"To what?" she whispered

He just looked down at his hands. She reached her left hand to his right cheek and gently turned his head to face her. He could not bring himself to look into her soulful brown eyes; for he knew if he did he would be lost.

She ran her thumb along his jaw and kept her hand on his cheek. He closed his eyes and leaned his face into her hand.

"To love you" he gasped.

She could not really believe he had said those words. She had waited so long to hear them, but she was so afraid he would pull the rug out from under her again. She put both hands on his face "Look at me Gil" she demanded.

Slowly he opened his beautiful blue eyes and raised them to meet hers. She held his gaze for what seemed an eternity, searching for doubt or insincerity in the endless blue. She found none. She found only vulnerability. Something she had never seen there before.

She leaned towards him and their lips met softly, tentatively. He brought his hands up to her waist and pulled her close. The kiss deepened, their tongues seeking each other out, their breathing becoming faster. Her hands ran slowly through his salt and pepper curls.

They broke for air and their eyes immediately locked again.

"Are you sure Gil?" she asked breathlessly.

"Positive" he replied.

She desperately wanted to lead him to her bedroom, but her logical side won out and she led him to the couch instead.

"What about work?" she asked

"I don't care about work" he answered

"Yes you do Gil" she insisted.

"Okay, yes I do, but not as much as I care about you, care about us" he said.

"There's an 'us'?" she said lightly.

"Well, I'd like the chance to create an 'us'. We'll just have to make sure we're discreet and keep our private life private and our work life professional. Besides there's no policy against it. Trust me I looked a long time ago" he said with a small smile.

"Can I just ask one more question?" she ventured.

"What took me so long?" he guessed.

"Yeah"

"Fear mostly. Fear and self doubt. Sara you are so fiery and brilliant and beautiful…and young. I was, and still am, afraid that I'll be a disappointment. I'm too old for you. What if I can't keep up with you? What if you think I'm a terrible lover? What if I let myself fall hopelessly in love with you and you leave me?" he replied softly.

She stared at him, her mouth half open. "For someone who is supposed to be a genius, you sure can be dumb. Age is just a number, it means nothing. And as long as you don't try to be someone you're not, I'll never be disappointed. Don't you know I'm already in love with you, faults and all? And if I've waited this long, do you really think I'm going anywhere now? As far as the sex goes…isn't it all about the emotion? We have so much pent up frustration, attraction, and tension that I'm pretty sure it's going to blow my mind. Actually I've always been worried that I will disappoint you in that area. I'm sure you are much more experienced than I am" she returned.

"This from a member of the mile high club?" he joked

She laughed lightly and said "Probably my only really daring escapade".

"I have no doubt that you will exceed my expectations in this area as you have in all others thus far" he said with a wink.

"I guess we'll just have to wait and see on that" she replied "…but I do like to impress the teacher."

"How long?" he asked

"How long what?" she answered

"How long do we have to wait to find out?" he pressed.

She laughed. "Why? Have you been thinking about it too? Going over it in your mind? Imagining what it will feel like to run your hands over my skin, feel my naked body beneath yours? Have you been fantasizing Dr. Grissom?" she teased.

With a growl, he reached out and pulled her to him, their lips hungrily exploring. He trailed kisses to her ear and down her neck to the hollow at her collarbone. She closed her eyes and let the sensations wash over her, all rational thought suspended. His hand ran over her back and gently along her face and neck. He traced down the edge of her robe and nudged it open to reveal her beautiful breasts. His hands cupped first one, then the other as he brought his mouth to each. Gently licking and kissing each nipple until Sara's breath caught in her throat and she pulled his head back up for more kisses. She pulled at his shirt until it was untucked and he helped her push it over his head. Now it was her turn to explore and she took her time doing so. She ran her hands lightly over his chest, caressing. Then she ran her fingernails down his sides and across his abdomen, back and forth along his beltline. She could feel his growing excitement and she suddenly couldn't wait a second longer. She dragged him up off the couch and, still kissing and touching, guided him to her bedroom.

Sara awoke the next morning from the most wonderful dream. Wait…it had been a dream right? She opened here eyes to find herself alone in her bed. Her heart sank, it had seemed so real.

Then she heard it. Small rustling sounds from the kitchen. She jumped up intending to throw on her robe, but couldn't find it anywhere. So she grabbed a t-shirt, threw it on and walked out into the kitchen.

There stood Grissom fiddling with her coffee maker. He had on his pants, but was barefoot and naked from the waist up. She grinned from ear to ear as she realized it had in fact been real. She watched him quietly and snuck slowly up behind him. She snaked her arms around his waist and kissed him sensually on the neck.

"Mmm…good morning" he sighed. He turned to look at her and his mouth fell open slightly.

"Good morning" she said playfully

"Are you going to greet me every morning in a shirt that barely covers your…assets?" he grinned

"Only if you want me to" she purred. "I was afraid it was all a dream"

"Nope. A dream come true I guess" he answered.

"It definitely was for me" she said

"Better than my dreams" he replied dropping a quick kiss on her mouth. "I was going to finish that breakfast I promised you yesterday and serve it to you in bed."

"That sounds wonderful and romantic, but I have an idea. Let's skip the breakfast and go back to bed" she whispered huskily as she began nibbling on his earlobe. This was one of the things she had discovered last night that drove him crazy.

He picked her up and sat her on lightly on the counter. "Who needs the bed?" he said as he pulled her t-shirt over her head. They kissed passionately, their hands beginning a renewed exploration of each other.

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP

First his pager and then hers went off. They broke their embrace and smiled at each other.

"Duty calls I guess" she said.

"I'd better run home and at least change my clothes first" Grissom said.

"I'll meet you at the office then, Gris"

He gathered up the remainder of his clothes and headed toward the door. She walked him out, sharing more passionate kisses on the way.

They were both a little apprehensive about how work would go, but everything went smoothly. They were, after all, consummate professionals. They were able to separate their work selves from their private selves and maintain their secret. There were looks that passed between them, inside jokes that only they were privy to. But they were discreet and they were pretty sure no one else noticed…except maybe Catherine.

The End