Chapter One
"Jace can be a jerk but he loves you." Clary blurted out without meaning to and then blushed furiously at the astonished glance Alec shot at her.
Oh God, why on earth did she have to say that. It was none of her business with what was happening between the two boys but she had wanted to say anything to wipe that self-loathing and depressed look off of Alec's face. Now that she had seen him smiling and happy, it somehow seemed wrong for him to go back to always being morose and saddened.
Alec was shocked but then gave Clary a small smile. "I hardly think so but come, I'll walk you to see him." As if Jace would ever return his feelings. Whatever Clary was talking about was probably nothing more than his affection for his adopted brother. Alec did his best to ignore the sharp spike of pain which always arose when he was thinking of such things, namely his unrequited love for Jace. He swung away on his crutches ahead of Clary, doing his best to blink away the tears that sprung to his eyes. What's wrong with me, he thought angrily, what happened to my self control? It seemed that spending a week in the company of a deeply attentive Jace who picked up on his tiredness straight away, who delighted in indulging his every whim to the fond despair of his sister, and who was just there made the reality that they would never have what he so deeply craved so much more excruciating.
They stopped at the base of the staircase which led to the greenhouse. "He's up there." Alec smiled though it didn't fully reach his eyes and Clary was torn between trying to say something that would make him feel better or charging up the stairs to call Jace down knowing that he could make it all better.
"Who's up where?" A voice piped up and Alec almost fell over in shock as Jace poked his head around the side of the staircase. The golden haired boy instantly registered his mistake and grabbed Alec, steadying him and preventing him from falling. "Sorry-" he began and then frowned as some unknown sense was telling him that something was wrong. "Alec, are you okay?" He asked worriedly.
Alec pasted on a smile. "I'm not going to die from falling over in shock." He joked.
Jace didn't even seem to realise that Clary was there. "Don't try to fool me Alec. I know you better than anyone else so spill."
"There's nothing to talk about Jace." Alec said quietly, slipping out from Jace's grip without letting any of his inner pain show on his face. "Why don't you and Clary go and talk in the library and I'll bring you up some drinks in a while?"
Jace didn't even have a chance to say anything back as Alec swung away and he started as if to go after his friend but then Alec's words registered and he realised Clary was standing next to him. "Little sister." He greeted, worry over Alec still present in his words but he made an effort to put it at the back of his mind until he could deal with it later.
Spending a week in Alec's presence made Jace realise for the first time that there was obviously something major bothering Alec. He could kick himself to the moon and back for not realising sooner that there was something wrong. Since when had he ignored his parabatai, snubbed his best friend and disregarded him completely? Jace felt pain in his heart and a large amount of guilt when he'd sat beside Alec's bed and seen him waking up with utter shock on his face at seeing him there. It hurt Jace to know that Alec hadn't been expecting Jace to be so concerned over him, that he didn't realise he was Jace's entire world and more. His confused expression would have been amusing if it hadn't been coupled with joyful happiness to see Jace there. And that was wrong on so many levels. Alec shouldn't have to be uncertain over whether Jace would be waiting for him to wake up when he'd almost died, he shouldn't have been so rarely ecstatic to have Jace with him at all times and assisting him whenever he needed help. He shouldn't have been in any doubt over whether Jace cared for him or not. But he had been and still was if his actions were any indication.
I've done something wrong, Jace had thought in horror to himself the first time Alec woke up still in a drug induced stupor and smiled happily when he registered that Jace was sitting faithfully by his bedside. "Didn't know you cared." He'd said sleepily but his serious tone betrayed that he had been honest in revealing that he actually wasn't sure he was important enough to Jace. Jace had frozen in dismay. "Of course I care." He'd babbled out, seizing Alec's hand, slim and pale, more suited to piano playing than fighting and pressed it desperately to his cheek. "Didn't know," Alec repeated as he slid back into sleep, "but I'm glad you do."
Jace had remained at his side since then, stubbornly refusing to move and always with a pale hand gripped in his own, trying to will his strength and thoughts onto the other boy. With nothing else to do, thinking occupied a majority of his time and Jace was repulsed to realise that for a long time, he had been taking advantage of Alec's blatant affection for him. He'd taken it for granted that Alec would always be protecting him in battle, would be there for him to unload his worries upon, would always be there for him to take his frustration out on him.
And never once had Alec complained. Never once had he struck back when Jace pushed him around. But by doing so it had taken its toll on him.
Lying there surrounded by his sheets, Jace finally took notice of the dark shadows beneath Alec's eyes that indicated a long period of restlessness. There was a faint frown line on his forehead where there had been none before (but how long had it been since Jace had really looked?). And he looked decidedly too skinny to be healthy.
They were parabatai. And Jace had failed Alec. If he'd been distressed when faced with the choice between Valentine and Clary, it was nothing to the way he felt now. He wanted to apologise to Alec. Wanted to shower him with affection and assurances that Jace cared for him, for his near death experience had finally rammed home to Jace that he could lose Alec at any time. Any time they went to do battle Alec could have died and Jace didn't want to live in a world without him. Where there was no bright blue eyes to flash his way, no one to joke and laugh and tease with. Where he couldn't show Alec how much he was loved.
Jace stilled at that thought. Love? He'd thought he'd loved Clary romantically but that had died away the more he got to know her and realised it was just intrigue. He'd thought he'd loved Isabelle once when he'd just hit puberty and realised how beautiful she was. But romantic love for Alec was something he'd never considered before. And so he'd sat there, praying for Alec to wake up so Jace could finally show him how much he treasured the other boy. He wouldn't mess up his second chance, he vowed to himself and refused to even consider that that chance wouldn't be given.
He wanted Alec to be happy again, like they had been a few years ago before Jace had become selfish and began to stop caring about him. But Alec had never stopped caring about Jace and now that he'd finally realised that, Jace would rather cut out his own heart than let himself or anyone else hurt Alec once again.
But now as he stood with Clary watching Alec's retreating back, Jace wanted to kick himself for his cowardice. When Alec had awoken Jace had all but tackled him into the bedding while being careful with his injuries. "I'm so glad you're okay." He'd whispered into Alec's ear before hugging him again but had been unable to find the courage to say anything else.
For the next few days, Jace had occupied himself with being with Alec, not that it was at all hard to do. He'd fetched him food and water when he'd wanted it. Played chess and video games with him to keep themselves from getting bored. Had carried him to bed and tucked him in or curled up beside him on the couch with a blanket thrown over them when Alec had been worn out. And in all that time the words 'I'm in love with you' had always been on the tip of his tongue but had never manifested itself until Alec had begun to withdraw from him again.
And Jace knew in that instant of clarity that he would give anything not to have that again. Kissing Clary's cheek hurriedly he muttered a brief "I'll talk to you later" before striding decisively after Alec, determined that this time he'd make things right.